By Kathy Callori
Executive Director, Straight Spouse Network

Please, if you have not given - or pledged.. think about doing so by MIDNIGHT, DECEMBER 31 and let us ring in the New year with a even better match!! I would love to come close to the goal of $50,000 in Donations for this campaign.

Donations can be by Check made out to SSN and mailed to PO Box 507, Mahwah, NJ 07430 (any check dated by Dec 31, 2008 will count).

You can also donate by going on line to www.straightspouse.org and hitting the GIVE DIRECT BUTTON on the left of the screen and following directions. Our site is quite secure.

You can also make a pledge by contacting me directly.

Happy New Year to All and Thanks for all you do for SSN

During the holiday season, we often have time to read and reflect - or we make time to do this.  Here are a few selections which are of interest to straight spouses and those who wish to offer support to us and our families.  Whether your are looking for information, affirmation,  or coping strategies in your reading material,  you likely will find it among this assortment of books currently sold at Amazon.com

The Other Side of the Closet - by Amity Buxton. This groundbreaking book was published in 1994 and based on over 1000 accounts.   It presents a variety of scenarios for heterosexuals of both genders, and is very much in depth about the ongoing family challenges and reactions.  A must have for anyone going through this experience, or seeking to understand the experience of a loved one in a mixed orientation marriage. 

When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual (Glbt Family Studies) by Carol Grever and Deborah Bowman.  Just published this year, this manual by the author of My Husband is Gay: A Woman’s Survival Guide offers therapeutic self help techniques along with true stories illustrating a variety of situations and responses.  It offers helpful self realization that the damage heterosexual women feel is not permanent, and hope for the continuing future. 

 My Ex is Having Sex With Rex by Jennifer Lee.  An honest and refreshingly candid account of the struggles within a mixed orientation marriage, subsequent divorce, and the author’s experiences with dating and moving forward.  A very easy and enjoyable read.

 On the Up and Up: A Survival Guide for Women Living with Men on the Down Low by Brenda Stone Browder and Karen Hunter Brenda Stone Browder is probably best known as the ex wife of J.L. King, author of On The Down Low:  A Journey into the Lives of Straight Black Men Who Sleep with Men.  This book, published in 2005, tells her story of her marriage, her discovery of her husband’s homosexual behavior, and her journey toward recovery, forgiveness, and healing.  She offers an important perspective for any discussion of issues related to “The Down Low”.  Since completing a tour of speaking engagements with her ex husband entitled “A Conversation of Reconciliation” she has developed a series of seminars for women entitled “You are Not Alone: Women’s Empowerment - Mind, Body, and Spirit”

 A more recent book about the Down Low is Straight Up Truth About the Down Low by Joy Marie.  This is a well written personal account of personal experiences,  written with the intent of making women aware of the sexual practices of men in the down low lifestyle, how to recognize the problem, and how to avoid placing themselves at risk for HIV and other diseases.  The Straight Up Truth website includes some interesting comments by other women who have shared this experience. 

The stress of a new separation, divorce, or discovery of a spouse’s homosexual activity presents new challenges during the holidays. What had previously been a joyous but hectic time is now uncertain, and awkward. Questions such as “where do the children spend the holiday”, “should I invite my spouse to dinner”, and “what, if anything, should we tell the extended family” present new dilemmas. With extended family, it gets tricky, because you might have only told SOME relatives why you are separating - or you may have told your children and not your relatives, or told your relatives and not your children. The secrets and reactions to disclosure tend to keep people on edge.When straight spouses have not disclosed the reason for a separation or a divorce, extended family might take this opportunity to encourage you to “work things out”. Some may actually blame the straight spouse for not “trying hard enough”. Some may display open hostility toward the gay spouse in front of the children.

It’s helpful to figure out who you wish to disclose to before the holiday event. At the family gathering, you will know who is there to offer support for you should the situation turn awkward with those well meaning relatives who do not know the total reason for the separation or divorce, or those who have definite opinions about what should happen now.

Holiday celebrations should be planned with the children’s needs and experiences in mind. It’s inevitable during a post separation period that when there are family gatherings someone will be left out for the first time, or somehow things will feel different. Try to plan times during the holiday season for the children that include them spending time with both parents, whether together or separate. Above all, realize that this is a time to be flexible and work out new traditions for yourself and your family.

Within the Straight Spouse Network, there are opportunities to meet people who have found different solutions, and offer real suggestions for celebrating the holidays. For example, one straight woman had a court decision that split Christmas day in two. She was furious that she was unable to visit with extended family and take her children on that day. Her gay ex husband did very little to celebrate the holiday, but did make an effort. She started new traditions on Christmas Eve, which over time evolved into a very special time for her and her children. Christmas morning the children woke up at whichever home they preferred to go to that year, and by late morning were with their father. Visits with extended family were done on Thanksgiving or New Years on a flexible basis. Changing the focus to Christmas Eve was not always easy, as the family was involved with their church, and some years they had to accommodate two services with their dinner and Christmas traditions. Christmas day, the children got to spend time with their father, invent new traditions, and visit with their father’s friends who were supportive of them, but did not like their mother.

Flexibility is key to keeping the family functional. As time went on, her teenage son decided that no one could tell him how to spend his Christmas. He resolved the matter by volunteering at a local shelter with his friends from church on Christmas day. It sent a clear signal to mom and dad that time with his friends on Christmas day doing something that mattered to him was just as important as “whose turn it was” to have the kids spend the day with them.

The father actually pursued the matter in court, claiming the wife was encouraging rebellion, and playing tricks with the court appointed schedule. The judge ruled in favor of the 15 year old boy’s right to volunteer with his church group to spend Christmas day volunteering in the kitchen at the homeless shelter.

Holidays and family occasions are the times when we really examine the effect on us and our families of all the secrets we have lived, all the truths we have denied, and all the deceptions that have been practiced. These times are stressful, but they also offer us the grace to resolve issues of disclosure and continuing family traditions, or establishing new ones

By Cathy Wos

This summer I read two books that dealt with straight spouse plot lines. As time goes on and the situation of the straight spouse becomes more prominent, I think you will see an increase in exposure. For now, I will take what I can get.
 
The first book was The Beach House by Jane Green. The book tells the story of many different relationships against the backdrop of Nantucket. You won’t gain any incredible insight, but it is refreshing to see a mixed-orientation marriage as subject matter. Both characters are likeable and neither is cast as the “bad guy” in the relationship. However, I would have liked to see Bee’s character fleshed out more.
 
The second book was The Story of A Marriage by Andrew Sean Greer. The book  received many favorable reviews and Oprah picked it as one of her summer reads. In fact, Harpo has optioned it and it should be made into a movie soon. The book tells the story of a seemingly perfect marriage between Pearlie and Holland Cook, until the sudden appearance of a former boss and lover. The story is told poignantly from the point of view of Pearlie. I won’t go into much more, since there are many surprises I don’t want to
spoil. However, it is worth pointing out that Andrew Sean Greer is a gay man who eloquently portrays the pain and confusion of a straight spouse.

     By Amity Buxton

It’s time to go back to the beginning, I think, to clarify why straight spouses need to be heard in the current conversations about social justice swirling around us. It is not because they are overlooked, which they are. Rather, straight spouses want desperately to share their wide lens on what happens to their families when their husbands or wives come out. Every family member — they, their gay or lesbian partners, and their children — is hurt by antigay sentiments and action, such as constitutional amendments and laws that limit legal marriage to that of a man and women.

Up to two million gay men and lesbians in the United States have followed the traditional idea that marriage is limited to a man and a woman and have entered a presumably heterosexual marriage usually without the straight spouse’s knowledge of their sexual orientation and often without the gay or lesbian spouse’s acknowledgment or realization. They marry because they truly love their fiancés and want to raise a family and also to meet societal expectations. Their faith communities, families, and society in general expect that marriage will occur in almost everyone’s life and that it would, of course, be with someone of the opposite gender. While many gay men and lesbians now do not feel a need to follow the traditional pattern, a number still do. So, don’t stop reading

Once they marry a straight person, most lesbians and gay men struggle to suppress or deny their same-sex attraction and become totally involved in the marriage and parenthood. However neither prayer nor practice changes their sexual orientation. For most, their internal struggle escalates, often reaching severe depression, until something happens to change the pattern. The children finish school and leave home, or they meet someone socially or at work, or the Internet invites them to explore and — poof! — their same-sex attractions are ignited or they unexpectedly fall in love. When they disclose (or are discovered), that they are really gay or lesbian, their straight wives or husbands are devastated, their children confused. Though some couples manage to stay married, because of their long history, love and close friendship, the good of the family, or the difficulty of separating, most divorce - and their children lose a two-parent home.

I lived that experience, watching my gay husband suffer without knowing why until he came out. As I then met and studied straight spouses across the country, I saw that they, like their gay and lesbian mates, were stigmatized, too, and so were their children. I saw, too, that their issues and those of their families were ignored and not understood, as they tried to protect their gay spouses and children from rejection in their churches or synagogues, jobs, schools or communities. That’s why I founded the Straight Spouse Network in 1991 to provide confidential personal support for straight men and women who faced this unforeseen family crisis for which they were not prepared.

Given these scenarios that repeat themselves across the country, the rationale for legalizing one man-one woman marriage as the only marriage form and a way to bring stability to the community is sabotaged by the reality of the family crises experienced by mixed-orientation couples. Neither spouse entering those marriages has high odds of fulfilling his or her hope of creating a lasting relationship and family. No children born to them can be sure their two parents will stay together.

Revealing the devastating impact on families of couples married under the one-man/one-woman societal imperative is the reason why straight spouses want their voices heard by proponents of laws designed to exclude gay and lesbian couples from marrying. Avoiding the perpetuation of this kind of harm to families is reason enough to pass laws that enable gay men and lesbians, no less than other adults, to marry any person to whom they wish to commit their lives and love, regardless of gender. Only then can the hopes of all spouses and families in the United States have the greatest possible chance of being fulfilled.

Mark Foley resurfaced in the news this week, after a two year absence.  He’s the congressman from Florida who resigned after a scandal involving sexually provocative emails and instant messages to congressional aids who were underage.  His appearance seems particularly ill timed, coming after an election in which Republicans were defeated soundly in an overwhelming demand for change.  Strategically, this is not a good time for poliitical conservatives to remind the public of bad memories. 

 Nevertheless, there was Foley, pleading for the public to understand that he is not a pedophile since pedophiles only molest children and the pages were teens.  Technically, that is true.  He is not a pedophile.  He is a pederast.  And he is not married.  He has escorted and socialized with attractive wealthy female supporters, attempting to create the public image of a ladies man, but it appears no women took him seriously beyond friendship.  There is no straight wife to slide down his muddy trail. 

Yet his story attracts interest among straight spouses for one reason - the continued and impassioned denial of what truly happened can seem familiar to some women who have been married to homosexual men leading a double life.  Yes, Foley admits sending the emails and messages - but he calls it a mistake, a momentary lapse of judgement.  In truth, the lapse was not momentary, it went on for over a year.  The young men involved were not children, but they were underage.  Sophisticated and willing perhaps, but underage.  Many straight wives who discover such activity in their marriages often find that their husbands belittle it, dismiss it as not being such a big deal, a little indiscretion.  When they insist it actually IS a big deal, some husbands display a contemptuous and belittling attitude.  It is as though they cannot accept the truth of the situation, and the mirror of reality that the wife holds must be shattered.  Or they evade responsibility while pretending to take responsibility.

No major corporation would tolerate the use of its electronic media to engage in sexual conversations between a senior executive and a subordinate.  The United States Government is certainly larger than most corporations, yet somehow Foley had the expectation that he could use electronic media to engage in sexual banter with interns who were not yet 18 years old.  Foley has lived his life as a poorly kept secret - and the lies he has had to tell himself become such a part of his makeup, that he is genuinely surprised when he must actually face what he was doing, and what he became.  In truth, Foley was molested as a teen by his parish priest - and as an adult was seeking intimacy and sexual fulfillment the only way he knew how - by being the adult who took advantage of young people on the sly.  Rather than being an openly gay healthy adult, his sex life appears to have been continually hidden among others who also had something to hide. 

It may be that Foley is a convenient target of liberal media because of his conservative political views.  What is also of note is that the mainstream media seems unwilling to buy into the pretzel logic of victimhood, and the dismissal of such transgressions as momentary and trivial.  With no wife to deflect some of the unwelcome negative attention, all the focus is on Foley - and the story is not a comfortable write off of the past, but a distinctly uneasy repudiation of any claim that Foley’s actions are just minor transgressions that are in any way understandable, normal, or justified.

For straight spouses, nothing has changed.

The fighting, the arguing, the strident self righteous proclamations about the definition of family continue.  The lawsuits, the publicity, the grandstanding continues.  The defense of marriage as a union between men and women only goes on and on - with no acknowledgement of what our marriages are or were, and no interest in finding out.  No interest in acknowledging our families and the dilemmas we face in reconciling the practice of our faith with our knowledge of this unique experience, no interest in affirming the directions in which our families can move forward, healing, building bridges with each other. 

The definition of family is now once again defended.  Apparently those of us who are or were in mixed orientation marriages, those of us who are children of mixed orientation marriages, are not part of “family”.  Those of us who are members of the large religious groups that funded opposition now have to wonder just whose family are we a part of, if not the family of the faiths that sustain us, that we practice sincerely, despite efforts to render us irrelevant and invisible.

Our children will still go to school and listen to the jokes and taunts of their peers about who is queer and who isn’t, and they will be afraid that their friends will find out about mom or dad.  They will be afraid to laugh or not to laugh.  They will keep a low profile, keep their feelings and their conflicts hidden.  Apparently this is not as worthy of defense as restricting marriage is.  We will continue to cope with our own issues of coming out of someone else’s closet - perhaps in silence, perhaps being criticized for “outing” the ex when we are honest, or for not “supporting” our spouse, perhaps in the isolation of self doubt.  Apparently this is not as worthy of outreach as defense of the status quo is. 

A very eloquent commentary was posted by Keith Olbermann of MSNBC’s Countdown program.  It is one of the few editorial pieces that comments on those of us in mixed orientation marriages and asks “How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the “sanctity” of marriage rather than render the term meaningless?”

 Nothing has changed.  Nothing.

Straight spouses are entitled to know if their husband or wife is being unfaithful to them with a same sex partner.  It also is helpful for them to know if a gay husband or lesbian wife is unsure of their sexuality.  Many straight spouses blame themselves for any sexual dysfunction in a marriage.  It can be a relief to know that no matter how fat, thin, bald, attentive, or attractive they are, no matter what kind of surgery they have had or physical changes, no matter how many babies, no matter how perfect or imperfect - the reason that the the spark isn’t there is because their husband or wife prefers to have sex with someone of their same gender. 

So how do you tell your husband or wife that you are gay, or at least not completely heterosexual?  How do you tell them that you aren’t sure but you think so?

Honestly.  And with kindness, compassion, and all the love you can.

This is not a conversation to have on Valentines Day, your wedding anniversary, someone’s birthday, a major holiday, or any day that gets commemorated annually or is a special celebration.  Choosing to have this conversation on those days, because that is when you have time to be together, will ruin the celebration or commemoration of those days for your spouse for years to come. It will always coincide with the anniversary of when they learned the painful truth.  But there are plenty of other days to have this conversation, and the sooner the better. 

Some GLBT people think it is kinder to disclose their sexual realization in small doses.  It really isn’t.  Your husband or wife deserves to know the real truth about who you really are.  This isn’t the time to list their many faults, or go over what they could have done differently to make the marriage better.  This is about you telling them who you really are.

If you’re not sure, say so.

If you are a man who has had an affair or is seeing someone, or you have had anonymous sex in a park or public restroom, please say so.  Even if you are being so careful so you just know that no one will get HIV from you.  Your wife is entitled to know.  Despite assurances of nothing to worry about because you were careful, a straight wife will likely get tested - for her own health, safety, and satisfaction about her own health and future. And she’ll probably be very angry that she is in a position of needing to be tested, particularly if she has been faithful to you. 

A straight husband or wife is entitled to know that you are GLBT because they are a person in their own right who needs to make decisions about how they will live their lives in the light of the truth about their marriage to you.  Some may tell you what they want to do right away, others may just be stunned and emotional, and totally blown away by the information.  But they need to know.  Honesty is the best, and healthiest, policy for you both.  And kindness, courtesy, sympathy, listening, and understanding go a long way.  Maybe not right away, but they do help to smooth later conflicts.

Coming out in a mixed orientation marriage is a bit different than coming out as an individual.  There is a partnership, a family, and obligations.  These don’t go away just because you realize that you are homosexual.  Your coming out is a family affair when you are married - and your spouse may not be as ready to come out as you are.  Your husband or wife may want to be more open about it, and not remain the keeper of someone else’s secret.  Regardless of the outcome, straight spouses deserve to know.  When you are honest, you can then work out through counseling what the ground rules are for you and the family being out of the closet, or remaining discreet depending on what is best for all of you. 

Remember, even if you are realizing your true sexuality later in life, you have had your whole life to figure this out about yourself.  Your spouse has had maybe only a few minutes, a few months, a few years.  It will take time to sort it all out, process the grief, anger, and for some the shame and self doubt, before they come to an acceptance and are ready to move forward.  For many people, it can take years to work through all of this.  There are no easy answers, no quick fixes. 

When you come out to your husband or wife, please tell them that there is support for them through the Straight Spouse Network.  Tell your therapist about our resources for counselors of mixed orientation couples.  And most important, tell the honest truth about yourself.

In the United States, today is Election Day.  If you have not done so already, please take the time today to vote. 

We won’t tell you how to vote.  That is for you to decide. But please, exercise your right to vote. 

Your vote is your own.  You don’t have to tell anyone how you voted if you don’t want to.  Or you can tell everyone how you voted and why.  You don’t have to explain your vote to anyone. Just vote.  It is your right. 

This election has been said to be the most important one of a lifetime.  We have clear choices, and an unprecedented turnout is expected.  Participate in what may be one of the most significant events of the early 21^st century.  Vote in the presidential election of 2008. 

If they give you an “I voted” sticker, wear it proudly.  If you have time and opportunity, stop by Starbucks and/or Krispy Kreme for some election day freebies.  Be proud.  Be American.  Be a voter.

As Election Day is upon us in the United States, close attention is being paid to efforts to outlaw gay marriage in three states.  The most contentious and well funded debate is in California, where the matter is to be voted on in Proposition 8.  The other two states, Arizona and Florida, have proposals on their ballots to amend state constitutions, clearly stating that marriage is only legal between men and women. 

Straight spouses come from many different walks of life, political visions, religions, nations and cultures.  As the preeminent source of support for heterosexual men and women who have discovered that their spouse is gay, the Straight Spouse Network opposes attempts to make gay marriage illegal through constitutional amendments.  These efforts require great funding, debate, pressure, and tend to polarize communities.  These efforts do nothing to serve or protect our families.  They do nothing to make our children safe from threats and taunts at school.  They do nothing to dedicate the tremendous resources of faith organizations toward recovery, support, and healing for straight spouses. 

Straight spouses of gay people are family too.  Our children are family too.  So defending families seems to ring hollow when ours are not included in the well funded efforts to strengthen families.  This is true not only of the right wing, but the left wing as well.  Depending on location, straight spouses often perceive themselves as being indirectly excluded from groups that support gay people and their families, largely by being ignored and unacknowledged. 

How is a straight spouse supposed to reconcile lifelong and unshakeable faith in a religious tradition, when the governing body of that religion is spending tons of money to pass or fail Prop 8, but spends no money, time, or attention on the crisis of faith for the straight spouse?  How does a straight spouse move forward within that faith community when no one will acknowledge their perspective, their reality, their solutions to family communications? Telling the straight spouse that gay rights will make the problem go away, or prayer will change their gay spouse, is not truly addressing the straight spouse’s complex and ongoing need for acknowledgement and tolerance of their process.

Not all mixed orientation marriages would be avoided with legalized gay marriage, but if the option of marrying were available to gay couples, it would be much more difficult to justify marrying someone of the opposite sex and carrying on deception.