Some straight spouses experience a desire to avoid all things gay.  We may have not been bothered by this before, but now we change the channel when programs featuring lgbt performers or characters are on television. We wonder if the clerk in the store is gay.  We wonder if our neighbor’s son is closeted, and if they know. We wonder if we’re the only one on board who is annoyed by the flamingly funny flight attendant who has passengers laughing through a flight.  We avoid gay friends - or our relationship changed with them.  Somehow we want all things, and all people, who are lgbt to disappear from our personal lives.

Some straight spouses do exactly the opposite.  We find a path to healing by getting involved in advocacy for gay rights.  We  cultivate friendships with LGBT people. We read books about the lgbt experience, about coming out, about sexuality.  For some of us, understanding who the gay spouse is and why they have behaved as they did is a big part of our own moving forward.

Both approaches are correct.  Some people need the space away from LGBT life and culture to focus on who they are, what they want, and what their new direction is.  Some people need to connect with gay people, if only to assure themselves that they can still relate to them as friends, or to learn more about the experience.  This is a reassurance that we did not cause our husbands or wives to be gay, and that gay people who are completely out of the closet do not behave as our spouses did.

One common frustration of straight spouses is that while we struggle to understand the gay experience or avoid it, few people  within our general society or the LGBT part of it are attempting to understand us with the same zeal.  While the Straight Spouse Network does support LBGT advocacy with two position papers concerning gay marriage and reparative therapies, our prime focus is on support of straight spouses and advocacy for our own needs.  Sadly, we are forgotten by those supporting our former spouses in their new life, and are often ignored or marginalized by those who assist families in crisis.

Our hope is that someday, the experiences of straight spouses will be just as commonly featured in the mainstream media as the experiences of gays, the debate over gay marriage, or the sensationalism of stories of closeted public figures being “caught”.  In order to achieve the visibility necessary to reach all who desire our help, the Straight Spouse Network will need the financial and personal support of many people.

We’re here to help. Will you return the favor?

It’s Fathers Day.  What better gift for a straight dad….or any dad…than a day with the kids?

For some fathers, this day is about barbecues, or doing what they want to do.  For many it is about celebrating with their children, and the activity is secondary.  We also honor grandfathers, step fathers, surrogate fathers, and men who fill in the gaps in many children’s lives.

For so many of the straight spouses who are fathers, celebrating Father’s Day comes with a sense of pride in the accomplishment of remaining a family man in the face of great difficulty.  When your wife realizes that she is a lesbian, the honesty can be a tremendous blow to a man’s sense of identity and authority in a family.  Dishonesty can be far worse.

As we mentioned earlier, many men in the Straight Spouse Network have supported one another in remaining involved with their families - and have provided a lifeline for other men and women alike.

So today, we salute the straight dads of the Straight Spouse Network, and all that they do for their own children and so many of us.  May your day be enjoyable, happy, and full of good surprises!

A big question for straight spouses is “how will having a gay parent affect our children?” For answers to this question, we suggest you take a look at what the experts say. The best experts are the adult children of gay parents.

You can find their perspectives in several places on the web. Abigail Garner’s website Families Like Mine is usually a good place to start. She has written a book,  Families Like Mine which describes growing up with a heterosexual mother and a gay father. She’s also written an excellent piece for Newsweek on her experiences.

Abigail hosts Oversampled, a collection of blogs written by adult children of gay parents.  Their perspectives are diverse, and their lives take many different directions.

A very comprehensive resource for different perspectives of adult children of gay, lesbian, and mixed orientation marriages can be found at Queerspawn.org. The name Queerspawn is a tongue in cheek term used by some adult children of gays and lesbians to define their unique experiences with the homophobia and misunderstanding that children of gay and lesbian parents encounter.

A common thread for many of the perspectives of adult children in “families like ours” is that family itself becomes redefined or expanded to include non traditional structures. Family can include mom and dad, siblings, step siblings,  parents’ current and former lovers and their children, or close friends. Another common experience is fear of letting their peers know more about their families because of the threat of being harrassed, misunderstood, or targeted for bullying.

For children of mixed orientation marriages, the primary concern growing up is the continuation of family after divorce. Issues related to their parents sexuality are secondary for many. As they get older, having a gay parent affects their world because they sometimes find themselves not being accepted by straight friends. Some live in the shadow of assumptions made about them based on their parent being gay.

As straight spouses, we know that there are children who do not enjoy a close relationship with their gay parent, for many of the same reasons that some children don’t connect with one parent in a heterosexual divorce - the parent’s behavior is not family friendly, or they cannot be depended upon to routinely honor visitation agreements or support orders. Sometimes there is conflict with the gay step parent, and a child will decide as a teen to not go to the gay parent’s house for that reason. The voices of adult children of lesbians and gays currently available reflect the perspective of people who were raised to have close relationships with both the gay and straight members of their respective families.

Our families encounter step parenting issues that generally are not addressed by many counselors, or by gay friendly organizations. It is possible for our children to love both their parents, and not their gay and straight step parents. It is possible for our children to experience the same difficulties that all children of divorce experience, but feel as though they cannot share these issues with counselors or friends due to a parent being gay.

Some of the young adults blogging on oversampled or featured in the Queerspawn diaries refer to themselves as being “culturally queer” even if they are themselves heterosexual. Having a gay parent, they become part of the family that the gay parent builds, which can include partners and friends. Family may not always be the people our children are related to, but the people who relate to them in the same way a family raises and supports children.

Our children of mixed orientation marriages will develop their own perspective as time goes on - and for children of mixed orientation marriages atany age, the primary focus is on what happens to their family and their relationship with their parents.

With Father’s Day coming up on June 21, we thought it would be a nice idea to take this week to thank the straight dads who come to our Straight Spouse Network meetings for all that they do for their own children and other people’s children as well.

Some of our straight dads are the residential custodial parent.  Others  have joint custody with their lesbian ex wives, either joint residential or joint legal custody.  And still others remain married to their lesbian wives, largely to continue to family connection.

A Straight Spouse Network survey last year revealed that approximate 3 out of every 10 people who participate in our meetings and online support are men.  There’s a lot of attention in the media to women when their husbands come out.  There’s a lot of recent media attention to late in life lesbians - women who come out as lesbians after many years of marriage and family.  But there is very little attention paid to the needs of men who are straight spouses.

For men who are divorced, the adjustment of no longer being in the family home every day is huge.  Yet many find ways to be connected to their children beyond the midweek and weekend visitation.  You’ll find many of our straight spouse dads involved in their children’s schools, coaching for local sports teams, making time to remain involved with their kids.

Sometimes the communication with their ex wives is easy, sometimes difficult.  Sometimes there is conflict with their ex wife’s new partner, which opens up emotional wounds.  We live in a world where when most guys tell their friends that their wife has sex with a girlfriend, their friends are likely to tell them that is just SOOOO HOT.  Well, it isn’t.  It’s just like having to communicate with your children’s stepfather - only the “other man” is a woman, and you are not supposed to show anger or resistance, or react the way you would to a fellow man. A lot of men keep their anger so much under control that they don’t explode - they implode.  For some men, it can feel like there are now two women pushing them away from their children.

When support is being given for gay parenting, it is helpful to remember that many children of gay parents have a straight parent as well - a straight parent who may have been a stabilizing influence for the children during a time of tremendous emotional conflict within the marriage.

We know there are fathers who bail out on family involvement, who just contribute the minimum amount of time and support, who cannot be relied upon.  But we also know that within our Straight Spouse Network, there are straight fathers who are true “stand up guys”.  When our local face to face groups have family events, some of the men bring their children, who connect with other children of mixed orientation marriages and divorces.  We know that the men of the Straight Spouse Network give tremendous support to one another, and sometimes find that they can plan for family activities with other divorced dads in the network.  The support that they give to one another, to everyone’s children, and to the straight women whose world has been turned upside down by a gay husband is phenomenal.

The families in our “rainbow” include heterosexual men who are true family men.  Our children are lucky to know these wonderful, strong men who are steadfast, constant, and responsible fathers in the face of unspeakable pain and self doubt.

There are many different stories of straight spouses, closeted LGBT husbands and wives coming out, and how families cope. Most of the time, we come to some peaceful resolution of conflicts, and re build our family relationships. At our Straight Spouse Network face to face meetings, people often tell their stories.  For all the people who speak of the anger and pain of an LGBT spouse “coming out”, there are those who experience their husbands or wives continuing to deny being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transsexual. Over time, some closeted homosexual spouses come to accept this part of themselves. It’s a very difficult process for gay people and one which takes time for some.

There are some people who just never will utter the words “Honey I’m gay”. Instead, they tell their straight spouses “You’re crazy”, “You’re making this up” “You’re trying to make me look bad in a divorce”, or “You are ruining this family and harming our children”. They may go so far as to accuse the straight spouse who discovers their homosexuality of being evil, or abusive. When discovered they might acknowledge an affair but explain it away. Everyone does it, everyone’s a little gay, what, you didn’t know?  You did not meet their needs. No, they’re not gay. You are crazy,stupid, homophobic, deluded, hateful, jealous. They continue this denial, and discrediting of the straight ex who knows the truth long after the divorce is over, year after year. Sometimes they encourage the children or other family members and friends to participate in the ridicule.

We’re not talking about deliberately outing your spouse maliciously, to “get back” at them or their relatives. We’re talking about the honest acknowledgement of homosexuality in a marriage, in a family, in a confidential setting such as a counselor’s office. Such acknowledgement needs to be made in order for the couple or family to move forward, regardless of deciding to stay married or get divorced.

For the straight spouse, this continued and rock embedded denial just compounds the agony. You cope with the devastating discovery about your marriage, and face ridicule, threats, recrimination if you even mention the truth. If you are getting divorced and have children, you may face a complicated court battle since the illusion that nothing is wrong with the spouse who denies being gay must be maintained at all costs. In abusive relationships, a straight spouse’s discovery of homosexual pornography or activity further fuels the necessity of a deeply closeted person to discredit, isolate, and ultimately silence them in order to preserve the secret. Let’spretend that all is just as it “should” be, because that’s how it is.

When recovering from the power of an abusive individual, many people find it helps to visualize that person as a cartoon character. If visualizing a cartoon character is your coping strategy for dealing with an abusive closeted homosexual husband or wife who insists that YOU will pay for even thinking such a thing, let alone mentioning it, we have a pretty good cartoon character for you.

The effect that long term closeted denial by a homosexual spouse has on the straight husband or wife is sort of like the effect the Evil Monkey has on Chris in the cartoon “Family Guy”. Chris Griffin is a little old to fear make believe monsters in the closet, but whenever he mentions that there’s an evil monkey in his closet, everyone ignores him - except the monkey, who jumps out and points an accusing finger at him. Everyone ignores the monkey too. This menacing pointing is a lot like diverting the focus in couples counseling to faults of the straight spouse, or entire families deciding that the straight spouse is just totally wack for having discovered and disclosed the truth.

The monkey never actually DOES anything. He just points and looks scary, and everyone pretends he isn’t really there and that the terrified Chris never actually said anything. Sound familiar? It isn’t to everyone, but to those straight spouses who cope daily with abusiveness and continued denial, it is very familiar. With this type of continued denial, the secret must be kept from the closeted individual themselves, at all costs. It’s a distraction - if the family is chaotic enough, maybe the unacceptable sexuality won’t be easily noticed, but everyone else’s faults will be scrutinized.

Just as no one should force a homosexual to remain closeted, no one should force straight spouses and children to remain in someone else’s closet, enduring blame, shame, and isolation to preserve a destructive illusion.

We know that those facing continued abuse have much to fear. Even when we have reason to be very fearful, humor does help. If your gay husband or wife is in the minority of those who will never accept the truth about themselves and continues to physically or legally threaten you as you move forward, we hope we’ve given you some support today with an image that might make you chuckle with recognition.

We want to thank David Perry and Comcast Hometown Channel for the wonderful interview he did with Amity Buxton which appeared recently on the program “10 percent”. They discuss gay marriage, and the straight spouse experience.  Amity recounts her moving experience of her first marriage, and the state of closeted denial which her husband maintained.  This led to the founding of the Straight Spouse Network, because there was no support at the time for straight spouses.  It’s an interesting interview, and will give you some perspective on where we come from.

Since those early days, the Straight Spouse Network has developed internationally, while still functioning on a shoestring.  We reach diverse groups of people, with different experiences and solutions for coping, healing, and moving forward.  We use networking and building bridges to reach straight spouses, and offering peer support where none existed before

We’ve said it before - we’ll say it again - we are so grateful to Amity for telling our story, even in those days when there seemed to be no one willing to listen.

It’s a compelling interview.  You should watch it!

We want to send an appreciative note with some real cyber roses to  Marie Osmond. Her recent interview concerning her lesbian daughter touched a lot of hearts here at the Straight Spouse Network. Some of us who have gay and lesbian spouses also find we have a gay or lesbian child.  Marie’s response that she loves her daughter and is true to her Mormon faith struck some resonance with many of the people in our network.

The experience of having a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered spouse or other family member crosses cultures, countries, religions, languages, and all social boundaries.  When this experience happens to a famous family known for conservative values, the typical mainstream media reaction invites an “ah ha!  gotcha!”  response from the general public.  Witness the media reaction to Senator Larry Craig’s adult children and their awkward but sincere defense of him, in which followup stories reported on their divorces and failures. Some years back, there was the celebrated feud over gay rights between Candace Gingrich and her brother Newt, the Speaker of the House of Representatives at the time. Our guess is that the Gingriches are not the only brother and sister to ever fight publicly!

There was the outing of Eagle Forum Founder Phyllis Schlafly’s son in 1992 by a now defunct gay activist publication, and the ensuing outcry. Later, Vice President Dick Cheney just continued to publicly accept and love his daughter Mary, who became a mother with her lesbian partner in 2007.

News flash, world.  Gay people happen.  Everywhere.

The fact is that gay people happen in all families.  Perhaps if their families were all as accepting as the Osmonds, Cheneys, and Mrs. Schlafly show to the cynics, there would be more gay and lesbians living honest lives and fewer straight spouses coping with deceit, shame, doubt, and despair.  Families are all different, with unique relationships and strategies for communicating and coping.  The judgement of a harsh world on individual family values and beliefs does not help any of us.

Marie’s words have also indirectly provided encouragement for some straight spouses who are Mormon, and who struggle to reconcile what has happened to their families with the continued profession of their faith.

We like real people too, Marie.  All the people mentioned above are real.  Thank you for reminding a polarized, cynical and sometimes sneering world of just how real we all are. So, no paper roses for you, because as you say, those are imitation - you get the real cyber roses from us for the sweetness in your heart!

The Straight Spouse Network sends a big shout out of thanks to entertainer Carmel Quinn and the Knights of Columbus #8982, in residence at St. John’s, Leonia, NJ.   Carmel’s show is a unique program of music and wit. She’s a singer, comedienne, and storyteller who regales her fortunate audiences with songs, stories, and very funny jokes. Her concerts are always enjoyable, and very popular.

Carmel’s May 17 2009 concert raised money for various Knights of Columbus supported charities, including St. John’s Church and School and the Elks Camp Moore. The Straight Spouse Network was not among the advertised charities, but we received a portion of the proceeds from this very entertaining afternoon performance.

The Straight Spouse Network is very appreciative of this donation, and of support from the community. Many thanks to Carmel & Knights of Columbus #8982 for helping us continue to support straight spouses.

And many thanks for a good time, too!

Many times family and friends don’t know what to say to the straight spouse when the gay husband or wife either discloses their true sexuality or is discovered and denies the obvious.  In the former situation, family and friends of the couple might not want to appear “hateful” toward LGBT people, or they might share profound anger and have no problem expressing it. In the latter situation, they may not want to accept the truth, and aid in the denial.

Very often, people mean to help - but say the wrong thing or are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they back off, leaving the straight spouse feeling further isolated.  So, we’ve compiled this handy dandy list of what to say - and what NOT to say:

Lets start with the negative, because it is the most familiar to many straight spouses.  Here’s what NOT to say:

1.  Oh, we all knew (or suspected).  What, you didn’t know?  How could you miss this? Oh come on.  You had to know.
2.  Are you sure?  How do you know?  When did you find out?
3.  You’ve been married this long - think of the children.  Can’t you just live together like brother and sister?
4.  I know just the (counselor, clergy, doctor, best divorce lawyer in the state) who can fix this. You just leave it to me.
5.  (for straight women mostly) Ya want me to kill him?
6.  (for straight men only) - Hey you’re a lucky guy, that is SO hot.
7.  You’re not SERIOUSLY letting the children stay with him/her, are you?
8.   Just get over it. Stop wallowing.
9.   Well HE says he’s not gay, and he ought to know, so you’re just making this up to get a divorce.
10.  EVERYBODY falls somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale.  Someone who SAYS they are totally straight like you say you are is… well… unusual. (usually accompanied by a wise wink and all knowing nod from a poorly trained counseling professional.)

The above reinforce isolation, fear, guilt, shame, doubt, dependency, co-dependency.

Here is what to say in support of the straight spouse:
1.  I’m sorry.
2.  What can I do to help?
3.  What do you need?
4.  If you haven’t been tested yet, please take care of that for your own peace of mind. (and if they stay in the marriage, encourage them to continue to be tested regularly.)
5.   Do you have a counselor for yourself?
6.  What do YOU want? (many straight spouses can’t answer that one right away)
7.  There’s a support group called The Straight Spouse Network.  You should get in touch with them if you haven’t already.
8.  This is not your fault.
9.  I’m here for you.
10. It’s difficult, but I have faith that you will get through this and be stronger and happier than you are now.  And again, please let me know what I can do to help.

The above reinforce connectedness to the family/friends, freedom from shame, a directedness toward healing and life in the truth, honesty, and positive direction.

It’s important for family, friends, and counseling professionals to know that working through the anger, doubt and consistent negative messages of the marriage takes time for the straight spouse, sometimes years.  This isn’t just a situation where you can make nice once and expect it to be ok.  Straight spouses often need to connect with those who are helpful and supportive on a regular basis.  That is why support from family and friends, and connecting with the confidential peer to peer support of the Straight Spouse Network is so important.

We do heal - it just takes time.  Gay spouses have been wrestling with the questions of their orientation for their entire lives - we deal with it all at once and it can be overwhelming.  Allowing time to heal and continuing to offer support, friendship, and connection is very important for family and friends who want to help.

The Straight Spouse Network’s own Amity Buxton recently wrote an article about the film Outrage, and the effect of public outing of closeted homosexuals in public life on families. The article, published in The Advocate, has received much notice and commentary.

Amity states that while the straight spouses are a side story in the film, our experience is just as devastating as that of openly gay people who are hurt by the actions of closeted politicians. “Friends, family members, and professionals, including therapists and clergy, do not understand their unique issues’, says Amity. “As a result, many go back into their spouses’ closet to cope alone. Some seek help and find the sole support system available to them in the Straight Spouse Network. Even so, they are isolated locally, coping with complex concerns by themselves. Isolated, they remain invisible, their voices unheard, while their husbands find not only support to heal but also venues in which to express their truth.”

Amity Buxton has saved quite a few lives - first by founding the Straight Spouse Network, and second by continuing to speak to diverse audiences about us and our experiences. Because of Amity, it is not so easy to ignore straight spouses, or the support we need and deserve.

Thanks, Amity!!!