There’s an old saying “Denial ain’t just a river.” How well many of us know this!  For some straight spouses, it can feel like we have been swimming upstream trying to get an admission of truth from our current or former LGBT spouses.  We know what we know, and yet when we ask “are you gay?” we are told an emphatic NO.  For many of us, the lies hurt worse than the truth.

Many of us ask “are you gay?” and are told no, of course not.  Sometimes a challenge follows the denial.  How could we ask that?  What on earth would make us think that? (“Oh I dunno, gay porn on the computer,texts on the cell phone, close friendships that exclude the spouse, not to mention that weird phone message on the voice mail from a complete stranger and pictures of someone’s penis in the sock drawer…) Perhaps there are now too many ways to evade answering the question “are you gay?” when a straight spouse asks it in frustration.  After all, many counselors will look at a distraught straight spouse in couples counseling who outlines all the reasons they think their husband or wife may be gay and tell them that none of this makes them actually gay, so why do YOU think so?

Perhaps the best way to question a closeted gay spouse in denial is to ask more specific questions, yucky though it may be.  “Are you having sex with other men/women?  Are you having sex with (name)?  Did you meet those people from Craigslist for sex?  What do you find attractive about this type of porn?”  Even with such pointed questioning, some spouses in denial will still continue to evade answering or accuse us of being delusional, or making something out of nothing. After all, some have convinced themselves that oral sex isn’t real sex, or having sex with someone of the same sex isn’t cheating on a heterosexual spouse, or that they are not really LGBT, they just fell in love with the person.

Some of us will never hear the truth – and many people around us will never want to hear the truth.  Homosexuality is still a very uncomfortable subject with many people – including those who are actually homosexual and dont want to be!  Sometimes gay and lesbian spouses in denial resort to proclaiming us to be crazy – and often many family members and friends will believe them. Its easier for some people to believe that we are crazy than that they are gay and in denial.

One of the most wonderful things about the Straight Spouse Network is that we are peer to peer and confidential. One of the things we affirm for each other is this: You know what you know.  We don’t demand “proof”.  We don’t tell you that you aren’t an expert on sexuality so you don’t really know.  You DO know. You are an expert on YOUR life and YOUR situation. And it is safe to share your questions, confidences, and observations with us.  Chances are, someone in our group has had a similar experience.  We wont tell you that you are going crazy.  Instead, we might have some ideas to help you keep from going crazy!

During times that media focuses attention on high profile cases, we often find that we are contacted by straight spouses who recognize the similarities in their own lives.  If you believe you are the straight spouse or significant other of a gay person in denial, we welcome you to contact us and get free, confidential support for yourself in a safe atmosphere.  You need it – and you deserve it.

The holidays are here.

What used to be a time of celebrating family and friends with time honored tradition is now a physical and emotional obstacle course.  Whose house?  Who will be there?  What about the children, especially when the court says one thing and the family says another?

Maybe you plan on spending holiday time with your gay ex, but the rest of the family doesn’t approve now that they know the secret.  Maybe you wanted to accept your former in laws’ invitation but then you find out they invited the new boyfriend you haven’t met yet – and you better make nice for the sake of the children. Besides, grandma will be so disappointed if you don’t come.  Maybe your lesbian ex has planned the perfect holiday trip with your children, without even consulting you, effectively cancelling the simple but important celebrations you planned to share with them. And you realize – your role is no longer that of a family member but of a spoiler.  The truth of your life is an unwelcome part of the script, so it becomes necessary to rewrite the family story, casting you as the one who ruins all the fun.

In the middle of all the drama, you are angry at missing out on all the celebration and festivity going on around you.  So many straight spouses feel as if we have been cast aside, thrown away, discarded – and the holidays remind us of this because we no longer fit the celebrations or expectations of our families and friends.  Or you might be included but the expectations are clear – don’t make anyone else uncomfortable.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your loved ones in a holiday season that follows disclosure, discovery, or divorce is to go forward.  Recognize that this is a transition.  Spend the time with people who support you.  And you’ll find that being open to new traditions is a great pathway to healing for yourself and your family.

Don’t be afraid to be clear about what you need and want.  And don’t be shy about setting boundaries concerning topics or behaviors that are insensitive to you.

If you are separated or divorced and the holiday coincides with your time with the children, it’s ok to set limits about joining traditional gatherings that now make you uncomfortable.  Make your own plans as benefits you and your children.  All the wonderful presents from the in laws who now despise you and show it will still be there, or they can be presented in advance or later.  Its still special to the kids.  And if you don’t have the kids this holiday and find yourself alone – again make new traditions.  Find new people.  Do something for you that you have always wanted to do.  And be sure to set aside a time to have a special celebration with your children before or after they are to be with the other parent.

It’s still a holiday, it’s still special, and it can still be wonderful.  Set realistic expectations, acknowledge how you feel, and plan some enjoyment and down time for yourself.  YOU are worth celebrating!

When we first discover that our husbands are gay or that our wives are in love with another woman, many of us struggle with our own conflicting feelings. We feel anger, hurt, confusion. Yet many of us continue to love our gay spouses while grieving the loss of the marriage – or what we thought the marriage meant.

We have so many feeling hitting us all at once – and its important to realize, especially at the beginning, that we need time to work it all through. Our gay spouses are going though a lot – but they have had their entire lives to realize they are gay and come to terms with it.

We cope with all of our feelings, our empathy for them, our anger, our confusion about what the future may hold all at once. And yet, when we reach for understanding, we are often told that we must understand what the gay person is going through, tough as it is.

After a while, many straight spouses wonder why no one feels that they must understand us.

The simple answer is this: they can’t. Also, there is no positive popular warm vibe about understanding the straight spouse. There is a lot of popular feeling now about understanding gay people and celebrating their rights. But what happens in our marriages is quite different. Many people try to understand by blaming the deception on society and the closet. Regardless of the cause, we still crave the affirmation, patience, and understanding that is likely to not be forthcoming, especially over the time it takes us to recover.

This is why the Straight Spouse Network exists. We understand the experience of learning that your spouse is gay or lesbian. We affirm one another, and share our experiences. It helps to know that you are not alone, and that you can confide in others with respect and confidentiality.

In the beginning, we often cannot see that there can be any positive outcome.  Given time, and the ongoing support of each other, we rebuild our lives and relationships, and go forward in truth. Its not a truth that is very pleasant or convenient at times, its not a truth that others might have us live. But, it’s ours!

A safe space. That’s what the Straight Spouse Network offers to the men and women who contact us. A safe space where we can vent, ask questions, make friends, get answers. The peer to peer support we offer on a daily basis is vital to those who have discovered that their husband or wife is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. Its also unique.

Ours is an extremely diverse community. We are global. We are male and female. We are old and young. Most of us divorce, many don’t. Some of us have never been married to our significant others who emerge from the closet of denial. Some of us have children, some don’t. We listen to each other, learn from each other, and make new friends with each other.

In all of the places where straight spouses connect through SSN, there is one quality that makes us a safe and secure place to talk about our lives. That quality is confidentiality.

Yes its true. We meet for gatherings at fun places. We meet face to face in some locations, going out to dinner or for social activity. We meet online in affiliated listservs, and connect privately on the internet. But we do observe confidentiality.

What happens at an SSN group stays at an SSN group. When someone crosses the line usually by accident, they usually hear about it very quickly. Its pretty amazing that a large group of straight spouses recently shared a weekend gathering in Florida – over a hundred of us – and pictures abounded – but everyone is mindful of confidentiality. The pictures are shared privately – and recipients are reminded to not post them publicly or tag them. People come to gatherings and face to face meetings knowing that it is a safe place to meet with others in similar circumstances, and that they are free to be themselves without fear that anything they say or do could turn up on the internet or reach the ears of a separated spouse or family member. Many of us are in situations where we would lose family support and possibly expose ourselves to recriminations if our spouses or family members knew that those monthly “dinner parties” or the memorial day barbeque over an hour away or the vacation trip was really a chance to connect with other straight spouses.

Confidentiality includes respect of one another, and respect of our spouses and family privacy, no matter how angry we might be. Coming out is not just a process that affects gay people – it affects their families as well. Our purpose is to support the straight spouse in a safe and open way – and that includes respecting the privacy of their spouse and family as well.

Sharing our stories with each other often leads to making new friends, and moving forward in ways we had never anticipated. Some of us refer to those friendships as “familee”. We have family – and we have the “familee” of former strangers who know all too well about having an LGBT spouse or former spouse. We may not all be friendly with each other, in fact, we may not all like each other at times, just like in any family or group. What’s special about each of us is that we respect privacy while encouraging straight spouses to emerge safely from whatever closet they are shut up inside of. We don’t tell tales. We keep it in the familee!

By Cindy Vanderpool

There is no doubt in my mind 9/11 clearly represents both sides of the proverbial coin, yin and yang, death and birth, fear and love, chaos and calm. It is remembered as the day our beautiful country woke up and a new level of consciousness was achieved in the name of humanity. We all lost loved ones that day – fellow souls in this human experiment. Make no mistake, your tears are genuine though you may not fully comprehend the load.

Where were you? These stories serve to heal the hurt deep inside; to find the common thread of our experiences; to join us in energy and synchronicity. As a 24 year federal employee of our great nation I could recount my whereabouts with sadness and anxiety yet my real story begins and ends with where I wasn’t.

I wasn’t safe in the arms of my spouse. TGO worked just south of the Pentagon whilst I was merely minutes north in DC. Ironically, it was this day I realized we were continents apart. When he reappeared later that evening with no explanation, no willingness to account for his absence, I wanted desperately my own groundhog day, to un-see what I saw playing before me, a hole to jump into; somewhere to just go and disappear.

Fortunate for me my stubbornness kicked in; the totality of my life experiences served me in a single moment. Although I felt very alone and afraid, I look back on this day 10 years ago and am pleased and elated that for the first time in my life I called upon my own strength and power. It would be two days later on 9/13 that I asked that all important question “Are you gay?” and trust me when I say the earth moved as I stood shaking in my boots when those words slipped from my mouth.

My lesson from 9/11 is that good trumps evil, light shines after the darkness, love rules over fear, calm sprouts from chaos and the universe always offers us an opportunity for birth when a death occurs to balance energy and emotion. We just have to know where to look – inside.

My thoughts are with you all today as you remember…….my prayers are with those of you who lost a spouse, child, sibling, relative, neighbor, friend, co-worker……..and my wish is that we all continue to experience love in abundance.

Where I wasn't......9/11 Remembered

There is no doubt in my mind 9/11 clearly represents both sides of the
proverbial coin, yin and yang, death and birth, fear and love, chaos and calm.
It is remembered as the day our beautiful country woke up and a new level of
consciousness was achieved in the name of humanity.  We all lost loved ones
that day - fellow souls in this human experiment.  Make no mistake, your tears
are genuine though you may not fully comprehend the load.  

Where were you?  These stories serve to heal the hurt deep inside; to find the
common thread of our experiences; to join us in energy and synchronicity. As a
24 year federal employee of our great nation I could recount my whereabouts
with sadness and anxiety yet my real story begins and ends with where I wasn’t.   

I wasn’t safe in the arms of my spouse.  TGO worked just south of the Pentagon
whilst I was merely minutes north in DC.  Ironically, it was this day I
realized we were continents apart.  When he reappeared later that evening with
no explanation, no willingness to account for his absence, I wanted
desperately my own groundhog day, to un-see what I saw playing before me, a
hole to jump into; somewhere to just go and disappear.  

Fortunate for me my stubbornness kicked in; the totality of my life
experiences served me in a single moment.  Although I felt very alone and
afraid, I look back on this day 10 years ago and am pleased and elated that
for the first time in my life I called upon my own strength and power.  It
would be two days later on 9/13 that I asked that all important question “Are
you gay?” and trust me when I say the earth moved as I stood shaking in my
boots when those words slipped from my mouth.  

My lesson from 9/11 is that good trumps evil, light shines after the darkness,
love rules over fear, calm sprouts from chaos and the universe always offers
us an opportunity for birth when a death occurs to balance energy and emotion.
 We just have to know where to look - inside.  

My thoughts are with you all today as you remember.......my prayers are with
those of you who lost a spouse, child, sibling, relative, neighbor, friend,
co-worker........and my wish is that we all continue to experience love in
abundance.

By Diana Robertson

If you were in the woods and got shot with an arrow would you pick up a bow and shoot a second arrow into yourself? Probably not.

But too often when I get shot by an emotional arrow I do, indeed, shoot myself with a second arrow.

Here is how it happens:  My husband comes out of the closet and says he wants a divorce. (First arrow) I tell myself that I am unlovable. (Second arrow) I should have seen this coming. (Yet another arrow) I’m stupid, ugly, undesirable, naïve, and now my life has been wasted. (Entire quiver of arrows)

As stupid as it seems to imagine physically shooting ourselves with a second arrow after being hit by a first one, one would think that we would realize how wrong it is to shoot ourselves with additional emotional arrows. But we all do it. And we often inflict much more damage to ourselves than was caused by the initial emotional arrow.

This pattern happens in other situations outside the world of the straight spouse experience, too.                                         

First Arrow Someone else is selected for a job.                 Second Arrow “I’m a loser.”

First Arrow My child gets a bad grade at school.               Second Arrow “I’m a terrible parent.”

First Arrow My neighbor is mean to me.                            Second Arrow “I must be doing something  to deserve it.”

Isn’t it bad enough that we got shot once? And who taught us that it makes sense to add injury to injury? “Well look at that! I just got shot!”  *sigh* “Hand me my bow, I’ve gotta shoot another arrow into myself.” Senseless as it may be, we do it way too often.

The straight spouse experience has given me many opportunities for target practice.

When my gay ex husband was reveling in his new found freedom and honesty, I was telling myself that living with me must have been really crappy for him to be that happy to get away from me. When I began to dabble in the online dating scene, and experienced being told “You aren’t the right one for me,” I added the arrow of “I am too fat—I will always be alone.” Now that my ex is in a committed relationship with another man I tell myself “Look, a lying, cheating narcissist can find love. I must really be terrible.”

Step away from the arrows! Stop the madness! Just deal with the first arrow, gently remove it, put on a bandage, and go buy some Kevlar protective clothing. I am doing a lot better, now, stopping myself from inflicting Second Arrows on myself. I sometimes have even been known to murmur to myself, “Put down the arrow, one wound is plenty.” I’m becoming almost Zen-like in my ability to observe an initial arrow and then move on with my happy life.

Someone else gets the job?     If I was not the best choice, I would not have been happy in that job.

A neighbor is mean to me?     That says a lot about him and nothing about me.

No follow up phone call after a first date?     Next!

First Arrow:

Gay ex husband (who always refused to go on vacations) is going on frequent vacations now with his boyfriend.

First Aid:

I rejoice that he will not be with me when I go to Florida in October!

The Straight Spouse Network invites the perspectives of various individuals who wish to share their unique experiences. We wish to thank Diana for sharing this observation.

On September 30, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT), the law which compels military personnel to not reveal their homosexuality will be gone. President Barack Obama certified its repeal on July 22. The time for military bases and communities to prepare for this change is growing short.  What does the repeal of DADT mean for the straight spouses of closeted LGBT soldiers?

It means freedom from fear.  It means that now we can proceed with counseling, HIV testing, consulting an attorney about separation or divorce, without worrying that if our privacy is compromised in any way, someone will out our military spouse and deprive our families of income, health care, and benefits.  It means that we can stop hiding.

It may take a while for military chaplains and counselors to catch up with the dynamics of working with our families of mixed orientation marriages.  It’s an adjustment. The Straight Spouse Network is here as a resource for all counseling professionals who need to learn about our perspectives and experiences.

Changes will come to the social life of military families as LGBT partners and children of previously closeted soldiers become visible.  As this visibility becomes more acceptable, it is our hope that military personnel will not feel it is quite so important to marry a heterosexual to appear “normal”.  We hope that straight spouses who are currently isolated into silence and complicity by fear will be free to seek support for themselves, and free to be honest about their marriages and the effect on their families.

Already, straight spouses of military personnel contact the Straight Spouse Network for free and highly confidential peer to peer support.  We expect that there will be an increase in their numbers as gay spouses come out or are outed by others. We have had a 25% increase in the number of spouses who seek our help in just this year alone.  Clearly, as the times are changing, so is the demand for the information, support, and affirmation that we offer.

The Straight Spouse Network is a nonprofit volunteer organization.  We rely on donations from those whom we assist, and the people who love and support them.  If you are a professional who makes use of our resources, if we’ve helped you in the past, if we’ve helped someone you love, please consider making a donation.  You’ll receive our newsletter and be able to keep up with all the latest developments affecting mixed orientation families.  Best of all, you’ll help families like ours gain stability, understanding, and healing as we go forward.

Same sex marriage becomes law in New York on July 24.  Throughout the lengthy and contentious debate, the point that marriage itself will be changed if gays and lesbians can marry each other has been shouted back and forth.  Well, it will affect OUR marriages – and probably lessen the frequency of a gay or lesbian person marrying a heterosexual person just to have a married life and children.

No, gay marriage won’t eliminate all mixed orientation marriages like ours – there are still those people who are deeply closeted to themselves and don’t want to be gay who will attempt to “straighten up” by marrying a heterosexual.  We know the rest of that story, it is all over this site and this blog.

Here is what could change for the better – our divorces.

Now that gay people can marry each other in New York and several other states, it’s possible to actually marry the person they’ve fallen in love with outside of their marriages to us.  Rather than hanging on to the status quo at any cost, some gays and lesbians will choose to divorce the straight spouse in order to marry their partner.  No more pretending, sneaking around, having an “arrangement”.  For some gays and lesbians who are currently married to heterosexuals, divorce and remarriage will become much more desirable than living a double life.

A same sex marriage option also integrates gays and lesbians into the same expectations during divorce that straight people have.  In New York, adultery is not restricted to just the opposite sex, and is difficult to prove.  But in other states, adultery is defined as occurring between opposite sex relationships only.  Consequently, a man who cheats on his wife with another man cannot be charged with adultery.  If it is necessary for any reason to prove fault, the wife has to find other grounds, even if the homosexual relationship is open and obvious.  States that approve same sex marriage will also have to examine grounds for divorce, to be certain that they allow for same sex adultery. Likewise, if a partner in a same sex marriage commits adultery with someone of the opposite sex, it should fall under the definition of adultery.

Often, straight spouses note how quickly gay spouses move forward with partners and new relationships; it can seem that as we’re still picking up the pieces, they’ve moved on to a whole new life, practically overnight.  In truth, gays and lesbians have had their entire lives to figure out their sexuality and what they want in a relationship – we have far less time to recover from the end of our marriages to them.  Perhaps now that same sex couples can marry in several states, including the large state of New York, our LGBT ex spouses will have the same set of instructions from the court about overnight visitors and child visitation.  Instead of denying the obvious, and pretending that this is just a friend, the best interests of the children in adapting to changes in their family will have to be honestly considered.  It isn’t homophobic or discriminatory to expect the same standard of not having a visitor sleep with the parent when children are present until the divorce is final and the new relationship is stable, as this is an expectation which is widely applied to heterosexual divorces.

Straight spouses are not a unified group when it comes to support of same sex marriage.  Socially, culturally, and politically, we are all over the map.  But perhaps with the legalization of same sex marriages, which are themselves open to legal divorce, the circumstances of our divorces and families will not be treated as something exceptional or hidden, but as a normal process in the steps toward resolution and healing.

It often surprises people to learn that 30 percent of the people who contact the Straight Spouse Network are men. That’s right, men are straight spouses too. When a man learns that his wife is a lesbian or bisexual, the experience is painful, and unique compared with any other unexpected revelation about one’s spouse.

When the average man finds his wife is attracted to another man, he might have an urge to go punch that man in the face, or at least show some anger. But when his wife is sexually attracted to women, there’s no one to punch out – unless he wants to hit a girl and be considered abusive and violent. In fact , many men try to keep the marriage together. They fear the loss of their family, of their home , and a number try hard to make the marriage work.  Many want to be supportive of wives who are questioning her sexuality. In some cases, their wives had sex with women before the marriage and told their husbands; and their husbands assumed that was behind them. A few men think having two women with whom to have sex might be fun. Some discover their wives already started a lesbian life that does not include them — causing great pain. Meanwhile, the declaration by many lesbian wives that the husband is their “best friend “is confusing, especially as the men’s efforts to keep the marriage going no longer work.

In a traumatic crisis like this, men have deep feelings and want to express them, especially when their own identity, integrity and belief system are shattered. Yet, they don’t have many places in which to share their grief, hurt and anger. If they dare tell someone, too often they are ridiculed by those who believe that having a lesbian wife must mean hot sex all the time, possibly spicing it up with a second woman. In truth, it’s not all that sexy for the guy, especially if he’s married to a lesbian. Instead, he experiences rejection, loneliness, and exclusion. Most husbands of lesbians feel a profound sense of failure as a husband or as a man. At the same time, many become increasingly concerned about their children’s welfare and try hard to become an even better father.

Some husbands hear about the Straight Spouse Network and dare ask for help and support in resolving their concerns. Here, in online or face-to-face groups, they find themselves connected to men and women who understand their experience and can sympathize and offer practical solutions. Each man forms friendships and gains new insight into himself and his experience. He’s no longer alone.

Having both straight men and women in the same face-to-face support group is beneficial . Heterosexual women married to gay men like having a straight man assure them that they do not have the faults cited by their their gay husbands. And women in the group often confirm for the husband of a lesbian that he’s been doing the best he can, its not that he’s unattractive – but that his wife is not and cannot be attracted to him, because she’s a lesbian. The mutual affirmation and confirmation is very supportive and much needed in a world where few straight spouses can openly discuss their feelings and perceptions.

Affecting the lack of outsiders’ understanding of straight husbands is the lack of research about their unique post-disclosure experience. To fill this gap, the founder of the Straight Spouse Network, Amity Pierce Buxton, is currently completing a research project based on self reports (2005-2010) of straight husbands, describing the challenges they faced when their wives came out as lesbian or bisexual and how they resolved them. There are also some men’s stories in her 1994 breakthrough book , “The Other Side of the Closet.”

Yes, there is life after the experience that many straight spouses call “The Gay Thing”. There is a happily ever after, and some straight spouses manage to find it together with each other.

Take a look at Hannah and Michael in Australia. In fact, if you live IN Australia, you can take a look at them on the show “Big” on Channel Nine every Wednesday.

Both Hannah and Michael contacted the Straight Spouse Network when their marriages to gay and lesbian spouses broke up. At that time, there were no face to face support groups in Australia, although there were several spouses throughout the country who had connected with us. Hannah and Michael connected online, and together started face to face support groups in Australia.

Of course along with the blooming of a healthy romance, family life, and new friendships came the realization that they had to do something healthy for themselves. Hannah was the first to have gastric sleeve surgery, and has lost a tremendous amount of weight. Michael took it a step further, changing his life on television. Yes, diet, exercise, surgery, and..marriage! Definitely something to live for.

Those of us who attended the Florida gathering last year were so honored to see them wed in a surprise civil ceremony on the beach. It was truly a gift to all of us to see that life, hope, and family do go on, along with regaining health. They later had the big wedding for family and friends in Australia.

Today, the Straight Spouse Network is alive and well in Australia, with face to face groups meeting throughout the country, and an annual gathering in a different state each year. Australian and international straight spouses have found that hidden group communications on Facebook have been a great way to keep in touch and support one another over a distance.

All of us have a tremendous gift in the hope, energy, and healing of these two tremendous people through love, companionship, and honesty.