By Carolyn

The never-ending question straight spouses get is “how could you not know?” That question seems obvious to straight people married/partnered with other straight people. And – from my perspective – it’s even more obvious the younger you are.

For my generation, especially those of us who were at the very cusp of the sexual revolution, it wasn’t clear. For me, it wasn’t clear for decades. A gay male friend of mine (whom of course I dated in high school) said his now-ex wife asked the same question in joint counseling. Their counselor replied simply: “Because X didn’t want you to know.”

If you were very naïve sexually, and very young, you didn’t know what to expect. You didn’t know what was “normal” and what wasn’t. And – if you were insecure about your very physical being – it was very easy to think it was YOU that was the “problem.” YOU weren’t sexy enough, skilled enough, didn’t turn him/her on enough.

Hindsight is so clear. What I’ve come to call “retroactive humiliation” still haunts me.

The fact that he used to sign his notes to me in college with a fish symbol (as in cold fish)

The fact that he never ever liked deep kissing

The fact that he ran to my parent’s guest bathroom and vomited right after he asked me to marry him.

The fact that he demurred about touching my breasts the first time we made love (of course, not until after we were engaged, six months before we married)

The fact that he got roaring drunk on our wedding night.

The fact that I cried myself to sleep for the first year after we were married thinking “is that all there is?” It wasn’t like what I had read about in books and magazines, what I’d seen in the movies.

The fact that he rushed to wash himself immediately after intimacy.

The fact that we never cuddled on the couch; almost never spooned.

I could list one hundred examples. It doesn’t make a difference. If you don’t know, you simply don’t know.

For me, the opposite facts were that we were intellectually compatible, liked the same restaurants, and movies, and travel, got along really well for years. But but but…. yes, hindsight is so clear. Going to an elegant resort for our 30th anniversary and he didn’t touch me? It was because he had high blood pressure, was on medication, I was too fat, etc.

Some people think there’s an ironclad list you can check off – if ten out of twenty things are present then he/she is LGBT. I don’t believe that. I believe that – while there are great similarities – each person’s story is unique.

I also believe one has to trust one’s gut.  One’s gut tells the truth. I didn’t, for far far too long.

But when the facts were irrefutable, I found the Straight Spouse Network (www.straightspouse.org). And it saved my sanity. I wasn’t alone! This had happened to thousands and thousands of other people, and there were peers out there who had my back, who made me KNOW it wasn’t ME.

Yes, hindsight is so clear. And help is right there.

You can read all about the legal decision in California, upholding gay marriage, and overturning the referendum against it. There are plenty of articles about how gay people are affected, how married people are affected, how churches and clergy are affected, how society is affected, how the institution of marriage is affected.

There’s very little written or spoken about how we straight spouses and straight partners are affected.

It would be naive to argue that all of our marriages would have never occurred if gay marriage were legal. Some might not have occurred. However, for some of us, the prospect and reality of gay marriage engenders a hope that there will be fewer reasons going forward for a gay person to seek intimacy and family connection by marrying a straight person.

These realities haven’t come about in our lives BECAUSE of gay marriage. They’re already there, consequences of our “one man-one woman marriages” which were also “one gay-one straight marriages”.

The most important direct impact gay marriage has on us is in the moving forward phase, after our separations and divorces. Many of us who have children have long had to deal with step parenting issues that arise with our gay former spouse’s new partner. Now, with a legal designation of marriage in some areas, we can move forward with the same set of laws and expectations in place as any other step family. For many of our children, the shock of having a gay parent is really secondary to the shock of divorce, because divorce has more of a direct impact on their lives.

Gay marriage means if our children are dependents of the gay parent, they are legal dependents of the gay step parent as well – which could open up employer sponsored health insurance to them if we ourselves are not able to provide coverage. For some of our families, the alternative for our children’s health insurance has been Medicaid, even though our ex’s long time gay partner has good insurance, but no legal standing as a married person with dependents.

It can also mean that a gay couple will use the legitimacy of marriage to bully the straight parent. This “I have a new husband/wife who will be a better mother/father than the one I’m replacing” school of divorced parenting happens in heterosexual divorces where litigation over children is used as a weapon of control. It can be expected a variation will continue with gay marriage too.

It can mean that claims by straight spouses of infidelity,  fraud or deceit in the marriage may be honored more than they are now, since the legal definition of marriage will include gays. It can mean that there will be fewer restrictions on straight ex spouses speaking about their ex being gay. After all, that is the truth we and our families live, and is not badmouthing when spoken honestly.

Sadly, the inevitable legal appeals will have another consequence for us – yet again, our lives will continue to be dismissed and ignored unless we can be used to further someone else’s agenda. Straight spouses are not a monolithic group. We don’t speak with one voice or with one experience. We do have a common need for support, affirmation, confirmation, and recognition of the process of our healing. Many of us support gay marriage, many of us oppose it. Some of us support it as a civil institution but would be uncomfortable with it in our churches. The fearful spectors of what gay marriage will bring are the realities that we now live with. Some of us have horrible family situations, some of us have made for a peaceable realm within our so called rainbow families, which actually are step families. No matter, we exemplify what there is to be afraid of, and so we are shoved aside, along with any recognition of our ongoing need for counseling, support, friendship, and normalcy.

Ongoing appeals of the California decision on Prop 8 also bear consequences for the Straight Spouse Network. Like it or not, as a non profit we are lumped into the category of LGBTQ charities, even though the people we serve are not LGBTQ. Within that narrow category, foundations that might give us grants to carry on our important and largely unnoticed work will have to choose their priorities. For many foundations who fund LGBTQ charities as a mission, the priority will be funding gay marriage litigation, not funding recovery programs for straight spouses.

Our reality continues, unchanged. For many of our families, the ability of our former husbands and wives to now marry their gay partners is a welcome relief. For others, it’s a nightmare – but a personal one, not a social one.

A while back, the board of the Straight Spouse Network took an official position on gay marraige.  You can read that position here.

You found the porn on the computer and were told “I don’t know how that got there”. You got the admission from your husband that he’s had sex with other men, but “that’s all done now”. But you just don’t know. He seems to have an answer for everything, and he’s so secretive about his schedule, his meetings, his cell phone. And you feel like maybe you are hurting his feelings, not trusting him, not believing him.  Let’s look at what is possible with technology, to put your mind at rest – or to confirm your suspicions.

Yes, it is possible to get a virus that infects your computer by downloading pornography without your knowledge. This has been a huge defense of pedophiles who are caught with illegal porn – and it has ruined the lives of innocent people. It is possible to get a virus attached to file sharing applications on social networking sites that will substitute pornographic images for the advertising that appears on non-pornographic websites. When you have a virus like this, you can wonder if the entire world has gone mad. If you find this happening, get thee to a geek as soon as possible, and expect to spend money to fix it. You can also contact anti virus software companies, such as Norton, and take advantage of their live support. They will connect to your computer remotely, and work with you to clean it up.

There’s a new kind of intruder, called “ransomware“. This started in the gaming industry, when hackers were able to freely access X rated computer games. The virus looks like you are installing a feature of the game, and then informs you that your private information that you just used for sign up will be publicly displayed on a website until you pay up. The games usually feature sexual activity that is linked to fetishes and is not socially acceptable in general – so the user pays.  It’s the same type of vicious attack that will lock up your windows files until you pay or wire money – exposing your account information.

However, most computer professionals will tell you, those pop ups and strange trojans don’t appear unless someone has already visited sites that feature this type of porn. If the family computer is infected, you need to have a professional identify the virus and its source, and help you get rid of it.

Now, what about the phone? As a straight wife, you probably had no idea, but here’s the truth – bathroom nookie and internet dating for gay men have a high tech boost with an app for smart phones called Grindr. It works by GPS – once the app is launched, the physically closest guys who also have the app appear first. Picture, profile, contact information. That means that when your husband’s flight is delayed, he can use this app to anonymously surf the crowd at the airport for a quick date. Same when he is bored at the little league game and wants to see if there are any other dads like him. It works on Iphone, Blackberry, and Wi-fi with iPod touch and iPad.

It’s not uncommon for married couples to share one anothers’ cell phones. If your husband’s smartphone is under more lock and key than the President’s Blackberry, and yet the bill is paid from your household budget, you have reason to have a healthy suspicion that he is not telling you the truth.

You can, and should, set boundaries. Tell your husband to use his own computer, and his own internet service, and that he may no longer access the family computer, printer, scanner, or fax machine. You and your family have a right to be safe in cyberspace. Also, if he uses a laptop, he is not to look at it when family is present. Everyone knows what it means when he quickly closes it up. It is painful to a wife to know that she is not the love of her husbands life, but the mommy figure who catches him being a bad boy. This does nothing for a marriage, and it erodes a woman’s sense of self. None of this should be going on in your presence, or on any computer network used by other family members.

If the porn keeps appearing, and you know your husband no longer has access to the computer, take it back to your expert, and consider that your teens may be visiting inappropriate sites. That’s a whole new set of boundaries; and a purchase of new anti virus software, and possibly spyware.

Some years back, there was a wonderful book about the misadventures a seemingly happily married woman had when she discovered her husband was gay. Pretzel Logic, by Lisa Rogak, described the convoluted twists of reasoning and rationalization we all experience in our marriages, tryng to understand and resolve our issues of marriage to a gay person.

The term Pretzel Logic describes a twisted reasoning that always brings us back to the same unresolved place, where we are the only loose end if we do not subscribe to the apparent logic before us. The end result is that we ourselves become twisted, and have a much more difficult time with our own recovery.

We encounter pretzel logic in discussions with our spouses, our family members, our friends (current and former) our clergy, and unfortunately, our counselors.

Here are some examples of pretzel logic – and a possible argument for each scenario:

1. “It’s just the same as if I cheated on you with someone of the opposite sex. You should forgive me.” or “I didn’t cheat on you, it was just oral sex with a man, not intercourse with a woman.” No, it is not just the same. And yes, it is infidelity. It is extramarital sex.
2. “If she’s happy, then the marriage will be ok, and I’ll be happy.” Unless you are ready for some non traditional arrangements from the beginning, are YOU happy with a wife who must have sex with anyone else in order to be happy?
3. “I’m not gay, I just like having sex with men (or women, if a lesbian wife is talking)”. Again, is having sexual activity of any kind outside of marriage what you bargained for? Would that be an acceptable answer for heterosexual infidelity?
4. “I’ve been honest with you, and your attitude is the reason this marriage is ending. You’re not willing to work on our relationship.” When did this honesty start? If it started recently, then no, your reaction to the deception is NOT the reason the marriage is ending. If you knew from the beginning that there was a history of same sex attraction in your spouse, you may not have realized how this would interfere with your marital intimacy.Gay spouses have had their entires lives to figure out that they are gay. You have been dealing with this reality for far less time.
5. “I’ve changed. I’ll never do it again. You’re not being supportive.” Even if it were possible to change sexual orientation, there will always be a question of honesty and trust. When the support is there for “preserving the marriage” and “changing”, there is usually little to no support for the straight spouse as a human being. How will you cope with the lavender elephant in the room for the rest of your married life?
6. Me being gay is not the only problem, look at you. You’re (pick one) a. fat b. insensitive c. not available d. narrow minded e. homophobic. Lots of people are fat and they stay happily married. It’s more difficult to embrace a new lifestyle than it is to embrace love handles. If the ideas proposed include open marriage, having it both ways, celibacy for one or both partners, closed loop relationships, then this is a lot for a straight person who thought they were in a monogamous marriage to be suddenly open to. Anger, revulsion, shame, and horror at discovery or disclosure that a spouse is gay or lesbian have nothing to do with homophobia.
7. “You can’t tell anyone else. It’s wrong to out a gay person .” or “I’m out and proud and telling everyone we know, and if you don’t agree, you’re hateful and homophobic.” An individual’s sexuality is really no one else’s business except the people they have sex with. If a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered individual marries a heterosexual person, then it is the spouse’s business too. Coming out or staying in the closet affects the wife, husband, and children. The straight spouse is entitled to confide in family, friends, and anyone who will give them support for their healing, or for that matter, anyone they choose. They should also be respected if they prefer discretion among their family members and friends, or have concerns about children meeting a new partner while they are still coping with divorce.

New York National Guardsman Lt Dan Choi in Baghdad

Lt Dan Choi was discharged from the United States Army today for the crime of revealing that he is homosexual.

You may remember Lt. Choi, as we wrote about him earlier in this blog.  Members of our group had the pleasure of meeting him at an event in Rockland County, NY.  Choi is a graduate of West Point, and has been twice deployed to Iraq.  He is an Arabic linguist, with skills that are in high demand.

But he’s gay.  And he’s honest about it.  So he’s gone.  Honorably discharged for a reason that requires him to be dishonorable, and dishonest.

What does this mean for straight spouses and our families?  Plenty.

While Lt. Dan Choi and others who serve honorably are required to be discharged under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell if they disclose that they are homosexual,  there are plenty of straight spouses who are married to gay people who are still active in the military.  They are unable to seek help for themselves because they are afraid of outing their spouse, and losing the benefits active military and their dependents rely on.  They are afraid to get counseling, see a lawyer about divorce, or confide in a friend, for fear that someone will “tell” and their family will be financially ruined.

Some of those wives are in abusive relationships, and know about the homosexual activity their husbands are engaged in, both on base and while deployed.  They suffer in silence, afraid, isolated, cut off from the normal support systems of military families, because they are terrified that someone else will learn the secret.  The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy actually enables spousal abuse.

Gay people who have families with a partner cannot divulge that relationship.  If they are killed in action, it may be days before the partner knows.  The partner is not notified, because after all, there are no gay people allowed to serve in the military. The partner cannot legally marry them, even in states where gay people can be legally married, because that would be telling. The partner does not receive survivor benefits, and they and their children cannot take advantage of support systems for families of deployed soldiers.  After all, people who serve in the military are not gay, remember?

As the government sanctioned oppression of all spouses and partners of active duty soldiers who are gay but not supposed to be continues, we here at the Straight Spouse Network wish nothing but the best for Lt. Choi.  We are confident that he will continue to display the honor, valor, courage, and honesty he has shown in service to his country.  We also have reason to believe he will continue to practice the West Point Honor Code  “A cadet will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do” in all his future endeavors.

By Cathy Wos

This week I am so sad and so tired.

Tired of being a Dirty Little Secret.

What’s my secret and my crime? Falling in love and marrying a gay man.

I had plans – I had a future. I was supposed to be married, living in my dream home and raising my 2.5 children. But life got in the way of my plans.

And now I belong to the club no one wants to join.

For two years I kept my husband’s secret. I told THREE people he was gay. After we separated I waited six months before I told anyone at work.  I was scared and I was ashamed. I look back and I can’t even remember why. Was I protecting him? Was I afraid of what people thought? Was I shamed by my Church, which told me it was a sin to be divorced and for him to be gay? Probably all of those reasons and many, many more.

But then I found the Straight Spouse Network. And I found people who loved and accepted me for who I was: the quirky, sarcastic girl with the heart that was black on the inside. The girl whose only crime was falling in love with a gay man.

Two things changed a few years ago. I left my job and no longer had to worry that my work with the Straight Spouse Network might be a conflict of interest and I became Communications Director. It was then that I decided that I had to be fully out of the closet. My name was attached to the Straight Spouse Network and there aren’t a whole lot of Cathy Wos’s out there (besides my mother). I had to stop caring what people thought, so that I could be effective.

You know what my Dirty Little Secret is now?

I DO want to belong to this club. I am honored to be a part of this organization. I no longer think that loving a gay man was my sentence or my crime.

And my greatest hope is that with extra money from a big corporation, and all the extra exposure that goes along with it, no straight spouse will have have to feel ashamed or guilty or alone.

Because then this journey will be worth it.

During the month of July please vote for the Straight Spouse Network’s Pepsi Refresh Project:

http://www.refresheverything.com/straightspouse

This week I am so sad and so tired.

Tired of being a Dirty Little Secret.

What's my secret and my crime? Falling in love and marrying a gay man.

I had plans - I had a future. I was supposed to be married, living in my dream
home and raising my 2.5 children. But life got in the way of my plans.

And now I belong to the club no one wants to join.

For two years I kept my husband's secret. I told THREE people he was gay.
After we separated I waited six months before I told anyone at work. I was
scared and I was ashamed. I look back and I can't even remember why. Was I
protecting him? Was I afraid of what people thought? Was I shamed by my
Church, which told me it was a sin to be divorced and for him to be gay?
Probably all of those reasons and many, many more.

But then I found the Straight Spouse Network. And I found people who loved and
accepted me for who I was: the quirky, sarcastic girl with the heart that was
black on the inside. The girl whose only crime was falling in love with a gay man.

Two things changed a few years ago. I left my job and no longer had to worry
that my work with the Straight Spouse Network might be a conflict of interest
and I became Communications Director. It was then that I decided that I had to
be fully out of the closet. My name was attached to the Straight Spouse
Network and there aren't a whole lot of Cathy Wos's out there (besides my
mother). I had to stop caring what people thought, so that I could be effective.

You know what my Dirty Little Secret is now?

I DO want to belong to this club. I am honored to be a part of this
organization. I no longer think that loving a gay man was my sentence or my crime.

And my greatest hope is that with extra money from a big corporation, and all
the extra exposure that goes along with it, no straight spouse will have have
to feel ashamed or guilty or alone.

Because then this journey will be worth it.

During the month of July please vote for the Straight Spouse Network's Pepsi
Refresh Project:

http://www.refresheverything.com/straightspouse

During Pride celebrations last month, many LGBT people saw the presence of some straight spouses at those events. The focus of the Straight Spouse Network is not Pride, nor advocacy for gay rights, although many straight spouses are personally involved with those activities. The purpose of the Straight Spouse Network is support for current and former heterosexual spouses and partners of LGBT people. So that is why you will see us at some Pride events, giving out brochures, letting people know we exist, that there is safe confidential help for the straight partner. We are usually not there as “straight allies” like members of PFLAG and COLAGE, although many of the people we have helped are indeed “straight allies” – people who support the LGBT community.

It takes time, dedication, and outright bravery to do this.  It also takes money.

The Straight Spouse Network in in the running for two huge grants, and we need votes to get them.  We aren’t asking you for money, we are asking you for votes.  Vote for us on Pepsi Refresh, and vote for us on Chase Community Giving.

We are especially asking our “gay allies” – those people and organizations who have supported SSN in the past, with monetary or in kind donations, or volunteer support.  We seriously need the money to continue to support straight spouses, and encourage positive paths for all members of the Rainbow Family.  We straight spouses are an integral part of that family – and this is the one organization that supports us in recognition of that.  We need every friend and family member behind us.  These grants are awarded based on social networking.

Gotta tell ya, there is some stiff competition there.  Yep, those blind cats on Chase Community Giving sure are cute and cuddly.  More people want to help them than want to help us by voting.  More people have at least enough passion to push a few buttons on the behalf of distressed animals than have shown us the same interest – or acknowledgment that there is a need for help for us when we are distressed.

When we have looked into grant applications, we have been told “sorry.  LGBTQ is not our foundation’s focus”.  It doesn’t matter that we ourselves are not LGBTQ – we’re viewed by funders as being part of the LGBTQ family, so that is the reality.  When we apply to LGBTQ funders, we are often told that support is not a focus, since advocacy is the critical need, and meeting the challenges of well funded anti gay groups.  So, we must rely on ourselves, our friends, our families – and our gay allies.  In short, we must rely on all whom we have helped to help us now.

Find out how you can vote for us on Pepsi Refresh here.  Be sure to share with your friends and allies. You can vote once a day for this!

If you are on Facebook, find out how you can vote for us on Chase Community Giving until July 13 here.  You can even keep your vote private on this, and it won’t appear in your news settings.

In times like these, when so many of us cannot afford to give money, it still is important to know who our friends are.  Thank you for being a friend.  Thank you for voting for the Straight Spouse Network.

Independence Day in the United States is a family and community celebration of the nation’s freedom and independence.  It is also an occasion for many people to take stock of their personal freedom, their own independence, and measure how far they have come, and what they must do to continue on their own personal freedom trail.

For the straight spouse, that can mean a lot of things.  It can mean remembering the day of discovery or disclosure, and marking all the milestones that have happened in between the darkness of deception and the sometimes blinding light of truth.

We honor the day that we took the steps of freeing ourselves, whether we stay married or divorce.  We honor the day that open communication involved us too, asserting our own needs and perceptions.  We honor the day that we stopped keeping someone else’s secret, or the day we came to a workable agreement how that secret should be shared.  We honor the day we ceased to be disgraced by someone else’s behavior.  We honor the day we became more savvy about money, and started asking the right questions.

We honor our strength, our forbearance, our graces.  We honor those who helped us, listened to us, stayed up nights talking to us so we knew we were not alone.

The Straight Spouse Network has a type of independence day planned all month long.  We are in the running for two grants from large corporations, which will help us get the word out.  They’ll help us continue.

All we need from every single person we have ever helped, including gay spouses and family, is a vote.  Vote for us to win a Pepsi Refresh Grant of $25,000.  You can vote every day of the month of July for this.

Also, up until July 13, if you are on Facebook, you can vote for us to be among the top 200 charities for Chase Giving.  We’ll get a pile of money for that too.  That will free us from having to decide which of our many outreaches to scrap, free us to help more people.  The instructions for voting on Chase are here. You can keep your vote private on both sites if you and your family are not completely out of the closet yet.

We need the help of each and every one of you reading this.  Together we are strong.

Help the Straight Spouse Network win LOTS of money to continue our important work!  Chase Community Giving is currently holding a contest on Facebook. They will share $5 million to 200 charities and the winners are based on the number of votes from Facebook members. The top 200 charities will win at least TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!

Please go to:

http://apps.facebook.com/chasecommunitygiving/

or search for Chase Community Giving on Facebook.

Here’s how to get started:

Like
Join the movement and get involved.

Search
Find Straight Spouse Network

VOTE
Click on the green button on the right hand side that says “Vote Now”

Share With Friends
Spread the word to all your friends and family.

Some ways to increase the odds:

If you vote for 5 different charities, you can get a “Gift Vote” – this vote
is given to someone else and they can vote for the Straight Spouse Network.
You can only vote for the same charity twice, so don’t give your Gift Vote to
someone who can’t use it.

Post it to your Facebook page.

Let all your friends and family know. The Straight Spouse Network is not a
well-know charity, but friends and family will vote if you ask them.

Thank you for all of your help and support.

June is the season for “Dads and Grads”, and there are plenty of family celebrations going on.  This can be a very difficult time for families adjusting to life after a father or mother comes out as gay or lesbian, or is discovered but continues to deny.  In keeping with the season, and with some of the struggles straight spouses face at this time, we were happy to come across a commentary by Ben Stein on CBS.  The message quite simply is this: Be yourself, and do what makes you happy.  It’s advice to grads, facing uncertain economic times, and pressure to settle for a job, any job.

Many of us have gay spouses and ex spouses who have done just that.  They’ve been encouraged to come out, be their authentic selves, etc.  In doing so, some do not know how to deal with the effect on us.  And many of us have become so accustomed to accommodating everyone else, that we have forgotten what it is that makes us happy.  What are we doing when we are happiest in our lives?  Some of us have to really take a minute to remember.

During June,  we celebrate family events, such as Fathers Day, or weddings and graduations.  These can be painful for straight spouses at any stage, particularly those new to the transition.  At this time of year, Stein’s remarks ring true for many of us.  Gay people are not the only ones who need to be true to themselves.  We must be true to ourselves as well.

Most of us know that we did not turn our spouses gay.  What we grapple with in the aftermath is the idea that somehow we are inadequate.  Husbands of lesbians wonder at the accusations of not being sensitive, caring, responsive, wrapped up in their careers. Wives of gay men wonder about the contemptuous treatment many of them experience regarding their own bodies, their desire to be seen as attractive,and the lack of affirmation of their femininity once they produce the desired result: children.  Many men and women both are in recovery from sexual dysfunction which they believed they had some responsibility for, and are now in the process of rebuilding their own heterosexual expression and gender identity.

Many also grapple with the face of the reality in family situations.  Some straight spouses are uncomfortable with the degree that the gay spouse is out of the closet.  Still others chafe at decrees to keep it a secret, and abet the denial.  That denial can be a flat out “you’re crazy, what makes  you think I’m gay” to a more subtle “If I’m going to be with a woman sexually, it doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian” response of actress Cameron Diaz. To a husband of a lesbian, who is being told he is not enough, or his touch is not preferred, it is all the same experience, and should be acknowledged.  Abetting the denial can also mean that blame will fall on the straight spouse – who even though they have their faults, can never know if working it out would have helped .  They are the wrong gender for their closeted gay or lesbian spouse to be fulfilled with. You can fix everything, and your husband or wife is still not happy, because they’d rather be with someone of the same sex.

The ability to be truthful to ourselves, and about ourselves, is vital.  That means, get in touch with what you really like to do, and how you are best comfortable with whatever solutions are arrived at with your family and friends.  And give yourself time to recover, and permission to feel all the normal feelings that come with this experience and express them honestly.

We are more than a breeder, a beard, a prop, a possession, a sperm donor, or a paycheck.  We are real people who deserve to be our selves, and be who we are, not what someone else thinks we should be.  As Ben Stein sums it up, “That’s it.  Choose to live a life you want to live, not one that’s safe or what someone else thinks you should do.

Decide to live. ”

We wholeheartedly agree.