Playing catch-up

Posted on May 21, 2013 by Straight Spouse
By Kimberly Brooks
This memory, as with most memories that evoke strong emotion, is a visual, visceral snapshot. We are sitting on a bench along Lake Eola near his law office, watching swans glide across the water. I am wearing my pretty white Liz Claiborne dress. He is impeccably attired, as always, with the faint scent of Calvin Klein’s “Obsession” cologne. We have been separated for maybe two months, three at most.  He is once again indulging my endless need for contact and conversation, my latest attempt to relieve this incessant grief-ache that plagues me.

He is light years ahead of me on this road we’re going down. He got the map way before I even knew we needed one. New home, new love, new life. He makes a joke, the last word of which is “underSTAN?”.

Stan is his lover’s name.

He is not an unkind person by nature, this soon-to-be-ex-husband of mine. Rather, he is a prisoner just set free from a 30-year sentence. The guards came, with their clanking keys and heavy footsteps, and opened his cell door forever. And he left that prison with hesitant, uncertain steps at first, a newborn squinting in the sunlight of liberation, then began trotting, finally breaking into a full-bore sprint towards happiness. He has traveled so far and with such speed that I can barely see him anymore. And he clearly cannot see me. Because this joke, this light-hearted emphasis of his lover’s name, is profoundly unkind and breathtakingly insensitive.

But he has no idea of the pain just inflicted. He is free. He is finally able to live as he is. And he is happy. How that joke lands on me doesn’t even register. He has found the heart salve that I am so desperately trying to extract from him.

And on the peaceful noonday waters of Lake Eola, the swans, mated for life, glide away.

The Straight Spouse Network invites the perspectives of various individuals who wish to share their unique experiences. We wish to thank Kimberly for sharing this article. Visit her blog StraightForward.

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Carolyn Moos – We Are Proud of You

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Straight Spouse

Carolyn Moos, we thought you should know: Here at the Straight Spouse Network, we are proud of you.

You didn’t ask for attention now that the world is chattering about your broken engagement to Jason Collins in 2009.  You didn’t know your fiance was gay until he told you.  And he told you just before he told the whole world.  On the cover of Sports Illustrated, no less.  And then on every news and talk show in creation.

Now Oprah wants to talk to him.  And the President of the United States called to say he is so proud of him.

All that is fine.  But WE are proud of YOU.

We know it is for the best that Jason broke off the engagement with you.  We know it hurt, especially after 8 years. We know that he didn’t have to come out and tell the world he is gay.  We know that what he has done – coming out, admitting that he lived a lie – took some strength and integrity. It was so important for him to do that. So many of us have never had the passing dignity or consideration of being told by our spouses and significant others, even when we find out. The Straight Spouse Network is the primary support group for anyone who has had this experience.  We tend not to be the out and proud crowd, because we are busy recovering and putting our own lives back together.

We know that when a gay husband or lesbian wife or fiance comes out of the closet, there’s a lot of pressure for us to remain in the closet.  The script of the inspirational coming out story of struggle is somehow not so noble when there’s a character in that story who was deceived, and used – often for many years.  We know it is complicated.  We also know that our stories, our lives, make many people uncomfortable.  Who cares, some say.  You had to know, others say.  Other reactions from friends, acquaintances, family, public might be less kind.

You’ve had your share of that in the past few days.  You could have declined to give interviews, stayed out of the limelight.  But you are an important part of this story. And you told it like it is – and was – for you.

You told your story with grace, strength, dignity and poise.  Its not an easy thing to talk about.  But you did great!

We are not the President, we are not Oprah, we are not celebrities.  But we are heterosexual men and women who have lived in someone else’s closet.  Some of us have yet to emerge from those closets, into a world that is not always sympathetic or safe.

We are so very proud of you.

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I Thought It Was Forever

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Straight Spouse

We thought it was forever. Marriage, that is. Oh sure, there were ups and downs, bumps in the road, challenges. Every marriage has those.

We thought it was forever.

We also thought our spouses were heterosexual, or at least interested enough in the opposite sex to commit to a marriage with us.

And we know how that turned out.

Several long time volunteers with the Straight Spouse Network are appearing in a new documentary and telling the stories of how the discovery that their husband or wife was gay or lesbian impacted them, and for some, their whole family. I Thought It Was Forever will be released in the near future The candor expressed in the film is remarkable. Many of us do not feel safe discussing our marriages openly. Some of us are still in our spouse or partner’s closet.

This film will tell how some of us told the children; How some of us moved on; How some of us have found new purpose in helping others who make the same discovery about that spouse or partner they thought was going to be with them forever.

Take a look at the preview for this film.  All of these comments are so familiar to so many of us.

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How To Help Someone Get Help

Posted on March 9, 2013 by Straight Spouse

So, you’ve gotten a lot of support from people you’ve met in the Straight Spouse Network, in person, on the phone, online.  And you find out that you are not alone – and you start to be the go to person for friends who “know someone who has a problem just like you”.  Only maybe they are not in your area – or they have a different path – or they are just not ready to talk yet.  How do you help them?  Gee, is there a group, who can call this person…..

First, the best thing is to direct straight spouses and their supportive family members to the Straight Spouse Network website.  Here they will find shared experiences, a public forum to read, resources for more information and online support communities, and best of all, a connection to reach out for more help at the top of the home page.

When someone contacts us through the website, our triage team goes into action. There’s a response within 48 hours, often sooner.  The person is contacted by email or phone, whichever they prefer.  They can then find out more about local group meetings, or online connections.  They might ask to speak with someone who has remained married, someone who speaks their language.  Our team does their best to match up the person with the right contact or leader for confidential peer to peer support.

On the website, people who are straight spouses needing help and the people who want to help them will find links to online resources, and articles on this blog – and links to related groups and blogs.  Support and information are here, and you can take it at your own pace.  Our forum is public, but our face to face groups and individual calls are confidential.  Affiliated online communities must respect confidentiality and be supportive according to the guidelines established by the Straight Spouse Network.

We don’t tell people what to do, but we affirm their perceptions, decisions, struggles and triumphs.  We support building bridges to the gay community as they are literally family for many of us.  Our primary mission is to provide real support at an unreal time for the heterosexuals who discover that their spouse or significant other is lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, or questioning their sexuality.

We are in the process of creating a brand new up-to-date website, but our support will continue while we build a site that is even more user friendly.

Comments are disabled while our website is undergoing some updates. Please contact us through our website.

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People Like Us In The News

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Straight Spouse

Its been a busy month in the news for women who discovered they were married to gay men.  Take a look at our Facebook page this month, and you will find all sorts of stories.  Charlotte Rae, the house mother on Facts of Life, disclosed in her autobiography that she divorced her husband in 1975, after 25 years of marriage, because she learned he was gay.  Chinese courts are considering allowing women who are married to gay men to have their marriages annulled.  Cosmopolitan ran an article “I Married My Gay Best Friend“.  Huffpost Live featured Amity Buxton and others in an illuminating discussion about what happens when the gay husband leaves the marriage. And just this week, Judge Alex repeated a two part episode featuring a straight woman who had not known her husband was gay, even though they had been friends since adolescence.

Its very clear that the media is starting to notice the phenomenon of gay people marrying straight people, and all the different scenarios and outcomes.  There dont appear to be many mainstream media pieces about straight men who marry lesbians, but at least the topic is being recognized.  And its not just in the USA and Canada!  This phenomenon is truly global.

In the land down under, the Straight Spouse Network has an active network throughout Australia and New Zealand.  This is due in large part to the efforts of leaders Hannah and Michael, a married couple who were the straight spouses in their previous marriages.  At the beginning of January, they were featured prominently in Australia’s popular Take 5 Magazine.  It’s a nice look at how “happily ever after” can happen even in the midst of a devastating experience.  Its great to have two people who help so many others get some recognition!

The Straight Spouse Network is the only international support group for heterosexual people who are or were coupled with someone who is LGBT.  We are here for you whether you are married, divorced, never married, staying together, split apart, male, female, young, old, around the globe.  Check out the media in these links, and then share your story with us.  We are here to listen and understand.

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When Holidays Aren’t Happy

Posted on December 23, 2012 by Straight Spouse

The holidays are here.

What used to be a time of celebrating family and friends with time honored tradition is now a physical and emotional obstacle course.  Whose house?  Who will be there?  What about the children, especially when the court says one thing and the family says another?

Maybe you plan on spending holiday time with your gay ex, but the rest of the family doesn’t approve now that they know the secret.  Maybe you wanted to accept your former in laws’ invitation but then you find out they invited the new boyfriend you haven’t met yet – and you better make nice for the sake of the children. Besides, grandma will be so disappointed if you don’t come.  Maybe your lesbian ex has planned the perfect holiday trip with your children, without even consulting you, effectively cancelling the simple but important celebrations you planned to share with them. And you realize – your role is no longer that of a family member but of a spoiler.  The truth of your life is an unwelcome part of the script, so it becomes necessary to rewrite the family story, casting you as the one who ruins all the fun.

In the middle of all the drama, you are angry at missing out on all the celebration and festivity going on around you.  So many straight spouses feel as if we have been cast aside, thrown away, discarded – and the holidays remind us of this because we no longer fit the celebrations or expectations of our families and friends.  Or you might be included but the expectations are clear – don’t make anyone else uncomfortable.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your loved ones in a holiday season that follows disclosure, discovery, or divorce is to go forward.  Recognize that this is a transition.  Spend the time with people who support you.  And you’ll find that being open to new traditions is a great pathway to healing for yourself and your family.

Don’t be afraid to be clear about what you need and want.  And don’t be shy about setting boundaries concerning topics or behaviors that are insensitive to you.

If you are separated or divorced and the holiday coincides with your time with the children, it’s ok to set limits about joining traditional gatherings that now make you uncomfortable.  Make your own plans as benefits you and your children.  All the wonderful presents from the in laws who now despise you and show it will still be there, or they can be presented in advance or later.  Its still special to the kids.  And if you don’t have the kids this holiday and find yourself alone – again make new traditions.  Find new people.  Do something for you that you have always wanted to do.  And be sure to set aside a time to have a special celebration with your children before or after they are to be with the other parent.

It’s still a holiday, it’s still special, and it can still be wonderful.  Set realistic expectations, acknowledge how you feel, and plan some enjoyment and down time for yourself.  YOU are worth celebrating!

This is a reprint of an article from last year.  We thought it was a good idea to have some timely reminders about holiday celebrations.

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Who Is A Straight Spouse?

Posted on December 9, 2012 by Straight Spouse

Who is a straight spouse?

A heterosexual woman who is or was married to or intimate with a gay, bisexual, or transgendered man.

A heterosexual man who is or was married to or intimate with a lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered woman.

A heterosexual woman who is or was married to a man who denies being gay or bisexual, but she has reason to know that this is not true, or suspect that it is not true.  A heterosexual woman who is or was intimately involved with a man who denies being gay or bisexual, but she has reason to know that this is not true, or suspect that it is not true.

A heterosexual man who is or was married to a woman who denies that lesbian or bisexual activity means she’s not heterosexual, since her sexuality is fluid.  A heterosexual man who is or was intimately involved with a woman who denies being lesbian or bisexual, since her sexuality is fluid.

A heterosexual woman who knew her husband had sex with men, but married him or stayed married to him anyway.

A heterosexual man who knew his wife had sex with women, but married her or stayed married to her anyway.

A heterosexual woman who thought none of his previous encounters mattered or that things would change.

A heterosexual man who thought living with or being married to a woman who has sex with other women might be fun.

A heterosexual woman who had no clue that her boyfriend, fiance, husband or ex husband was having sex with other men, or was sexually attracted to other men.

A heterosexual man who had no clue that his girlfriend, fiance, wife or ex wife wanted to have sex with other women, or was sexually attracted to them.

Heterosexual men and women who divorced and then later learned that their ex husband or wife was gay or lesbian.

Heterosexual men and women who remain on good terms with their LGBT husbands and
wives, or ex husbands and wives.  Heterosexual men and women who develop friendships with the lovers and friends of their ex husbands and wives.

Heterosexual men and women who are angry, who stay that way for a long time, who refuse to have anything to do with the LGBT people who are now important to their ex husband or wife.

Heterosexual men and women of all faiths who are or were coupled with, or married or engaged to gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered people.  Or no faith. All nationalities, races, ages, ethnic groups.

That’s who straight spouses are.  Where will you find us? Pretty much everywhere.

The Straight Spouse Network is the preeminent support group for all those people who have experienced the reality of having an LGBT spouse or partner, and the fallout afterwards.  We get it.  We really do.  We support each other as we find our way on new paths.

Comments are disabled for the time being, while our website undergoes some updates.

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We’re Getting Noticed!

Posted on November 21, 2012 by Straight Spouse

We haven’t been posting in this blog for a while, as we’ve been undergoing some renovations on our site. But the cyberdust is clearing, so we are back! And we have been busy!

We are very proud to announce that Amity Buxton has published two recent articles for Huffington Post. Amity’s voice is one of the clearest statements of the straight spouse experience, because she focuses on the total experience of the spouse, the family, and on going forward. The path to our own healing and strength is not an easy one, and can be lonely at times. Thanks to Amity for sharing with a wider audience our perspectives and concerns, as well as our ongoing needs and those of our families.

The heterosexual spouses and ex spouses of LGBT people are not the enemies of LGBT people. We are family. All families have disagreements, different ideas. But they are family. This can be difficult to realize at first, but many of us do continue to have some familial relationship with our exes and some of us progress better with healthy distancing . There really isn’t a one size fits all checklist for describing or recognizing a gay spouse, or even for describing our own experiences and perspectives.

So we love it when someone is recognized for getting the word out about all our different experiences. And that includes a recent TV appearance by a straight spouse on the Judge Alex show. For many who saw the program, much of what the straight ex wife said rang very true. She was deceived, and recovered her costs for the wedding. Many who viewed the episode found it validating to hear someone else state what they have been feeling.

There is a whole new awareness of families like ours today, and we are happy to offer help, support, advice, and friendship to men and women who find that they have married or become sexually involved with an LGBT person. Real support at an unreal time is truly what we are about.

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Unseen Unheard

Posted on June 28, 2012 by Straight Spouse

The straight spouse experience has been told in compelling detail in the new book Unseen Unheard: the Journey of Straight Spouses by Amity Pierce Buxton and R. L. Pinely. Amity is the founder of the Straight Spouse Network, and the author of The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families.

The book is a compilation of different experiences of men and women who discovered that their husbands or wives were gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. These powerful and unique stories are told in personal remembrance by straight spouses, and chronicle the slow journey from the shock and paralysis of the initial discovery to the healing and affirmation of a new life of infinite possibilities.

Often the straight partner is overlooked in the coming out process, silenced, or disregarded. These stories reflect the devastating reality of recovering from shattered belief systems, betrayal, sexual issues, and secrecy that often accompanies the revelation that their wives are having an affair with another woman or their husbands are having sex with other men – or want to. While many LGBT people come out of the closet with affirmation and encouragement, their heterosexual spouses are rendered invisible and inaudible, working through their shattered lives alone.

Moving forward from the point of discovery or disclosure is a slow journey, but a profound one. The book recounts the insights gained, the new self discoveries, and affirms the courage and resiliency of inner strength that emerges for many.

Unseen-Unheard: The Journey of Straight Spouses is available from Creative House International Press, or on Kindle at Amazon.com


The straight spouse experience has been told in compelling detail in the new book “Unseen Unheard:  the Journey of Straight Spouses” by Amity Pierce Buxton and R. L. Pinely.  Amity is the founder of the Straight Spouse Netowrk, and the author of The Other Side of the Closet.

The book is a compilation of different experiences of men and women who discovered that their husbands or wives were gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender.  These powerful and unique stories are told in personal remembrance by straight spouses, and chronicle the slow journey from the shock and paralysis of the initial discovery to the healing and affirmation of a new life of infinite possibilities.

Often the straight partner is overlooked in the coming out process, silenced, or disregarded.  These stories reflect the devastating reality of recovering from shattered belief systems, betrayal, sexual issues, and secrecy that often accompanies the revelation that their wives are having an affair with another woman or their husbands are having sex with other men – or want to.  While many LGBT people come out of the closet with affirmation and encouragement, their heterosexual spouses are rendered invisible and inaudible, working through their shattered lives alone.

Moving forward from the point of discovery or disclosure is a slow journey, but a profound one.  The book recounts the insights gained, the new self discoveries, and affirms the courage and resiliency of inner strength that emerges for many.

Unseen-Unheard: the Journey of Straight Spouses is available from creativehousepress, or on kindle at Amazon.com

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Tyler Clementi and Us

Posted on May 23, 2012 by Straight Spouse

The verdict in New Brunswick NJ on the trial of Dharun Ravi is in.  Ravi was convicted of a hate crime after setting up a webcam to tape his roommate Tyler Clementi in a homosexual encounter.  He then tweeted the link so that others could watch.  Humiliated and hounded, Tyler killed himself two days later.

No one intervened on Tyler’s behalf in two days.  No one spoke up about the”joke”.

Ravi was sentenced to 30 days in jail, 300 hours community service, 3 years probation, and $10,000 in fines, plus court fees.  The media debate is now about whether that sentence was severe enough.  It’s not our job to comment on the fairness of the sentence.  Our job is to focus on the continuing effect of bullying of gays on straight spouses and our families, and the attitudes of acceptance surrounding it.

Judge Glenn Berman aptly noted that despite the leniency of the sentence, he has not observed any sign of regret or remorse from Ravi.  The prosecution will appeal the sentence.  Ravi is appealing the conviction. Meanwhile, we have noticed disturbing comments in the general online media. Some are calling for Ravi to be treated as a murderer, which he is not.  Some are blaming Tyler’s family for his suicide – the old “if only they’d accepted him his life would be perfect and he’d have had no problems” mantra. Still others believe that Ravi really did nothing wrong.

The truth is that for many young adults, any discussion of sex with their parents is difficult.  It’s not that the parents are bad or narrow minded or abusive or intolerant – it’s just that it’s really difficult to tell your parents your business!  Straight teens don’t come out to their parents; gay teens have an additional step to take when talking to their parents openly about their sexual activity.  It’s a process that takes time in many families.

The truth is that Tyler was bullied.  The truth is that dorm life in freshman year can be a very difficult adjustment.  The truth is that his roommate was not happy about living with someone who was actively gay.  The truth is that his roommate deliberately set up the webcam, the broadcast, the tweet.  The truth is that his roommate intended to shame and humiliate him.

The truth is that if there were resources available to Tyler, he likely was unaware of them.  The truth is that other students knew.  No one did anything about stopping the sharing of the video.  No one did anything to warn or help Tyler.

No one can blame a young college freshman for being irritated at a roommate who has sex in the room, especially if being around gay sex is new, especially if it involves someone who is not a student.  But roommates have had these conflicts for years, and not resolved them through bullying, shame, public humiliation.

It’s time for college residence life counselors to recognize two things: one, that gay students or those perceived as gay still are targets for harassment, bullying, shaming; and two, that some students may have a difficult time living with a sexually active gay or lesbian student for reasons other than “hate”.

Those issues have to be owned.  It has to be safe in a college dorm to be gay, or to not want to be close to gay sexual activity in your personal living space.

There must be honest and open ways to resolve these incompatibilities without forcing someone to be bullied, or to be politically correct but very unhappy and uncomfortable.  College residence life must be safe for all.

The alternative is uncomfortable silence, pretending this was just Tyler’s fault, pretending that Ravi is a hateful murderer or pretending that its OK to assume he did nothing wrong, he just got caught.

Gays and lesbians are part of a family.  Hopefully, as more families and straight spouses speak out about our lives, bullying someone for being gay will become socially unacceptable – because the gay person could be our brother, sister, son, daughter, parent.  But first, it will have to be safe for families to speak out.  And in a college dorm, admitting you have a gay sibling or parent could be difficult, and open you up to more harassment.

This is the world we live in.  Let’s change it through honesty and compassion.

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