By Carolyn

The never-ending question straight spouses get is “how could you not know?” That question seems obvious to straight people married/partnered with other straight people. And – from my perspective – it’s even more obvious the younger you are.

For my generation, especially those of us who were at the very cusp of the sexual revolution, it wasn’t clear. For me, it wasn’t clear for decades. A gay male friend of mine (whom of course I dated in high school) said his now-ex wife asked the same question in joint counseling. Their counselor replied simply: “Because X didn’t want you to know.”

If you were very naïve sexually, and very young, you didn’t know what to expect. You didn’t know what was “normal” and what wasn’t. And – if you were insecure about your very physical being – it was very easy to think it was YOU that was the “problem.” YOU weren’t sexy enough, skilled enough, didn’t turn him/her on enough.

Hindsight is so clear. What I’ve come to call “retroactive humiliation” still haunts me.

The fact that he used to sign his notes to me in college with a fish symbol (as in cold fish)

The fact that he never ever liked deep kissing

The fact that he ran to my parent’s guest bathroom and vomited right after he asked me to marry him.

The fact that he demurred about touching my breasts the first time we made love (of course, not until after we were engaged, six months before we married)

The fact that he got roaring drunk on our wedding night.

The fact that I cried myself to sleep for the first year after we were married thinking “is that all there is?” It wasn’t like what I had read about in books and magazines, what I’d seen in the movies.

The fact that he rushed to wash himself immediately after intimacy.

The fact that we never cuddled on the couch; almost never spooned.

I could list one hundred examples. It doesn’t make a difference. If you don’t know, you simply don’t know.

For me, the opposite facts were that we were intellectually compatible, liked the same restaurants, and movies, and travel, got along really well for years. But but but…. yes, hindsight is so clear. Going to an elegant resort for our 30th anniversary and he didn’t touch me? It was because he had high blood pressure, was on medication, I was too fat, etc.

Some people think there’s an ironclad list you can check off – if ten out of twenty things are present then he/she is LGBT. I don’t believe that. I believe that – while there are great similarities – each person’s story is unique.

I also believe one has to trust one’s gut.  One’s gut tells the truth. I didn’t, for far far too long.

But when the facts were irrefutable, I found the Straight Spouse Network (www.straightspouse.org). And it saved my sanity. I wasn’t alone! This had happened to thousands and thousands of other people, and there were peers out there who had my back, who made me KNOW it wasn’t ME.

Yes, hindsight is so clear. And help is right there.

You can read all about the legal decision in California, upholding gay marriage, and overturning the referendum against it. There are plenty of articles about how gay people are affected, how married people are affected, how churches and clergy are affected, how society is affected, how the institution of marriage is affected.

There’s very little written or spoken about how we straight spouses and straight partners are affected.

It would be naive to argue that all of our marriages would have never occurred if gay marriage were legal. Some might not have occurred. However, for some of us, the prospect and reality of gay marriage engenders a hope that there will be fewer reasons going forward for a gay person to seek intimacy and family connection by marrying a straight person.

These realities haven’t come about in our lives BECAUSE of gay marriage. They’re already there, consequences of our “one man-one woman marriages” which were also “one gay-one straight marriages”.

The most important direct impact gay marriage has on us is in the moving forward phase, after our separations and divorces. Many of us who have children have long had to deal with step parenting issues that arise with our gay former spouse’s new partner. Now, with a legal designation of marriage in some areas, we can move forward with the same set of laws and expectations in place as any other step family. For many of our children, the shock of having a gay parent is really secondary to the shock of divorce, because divorce has more of a direct impact on their lives.

Gay marriage means if our children are dependents of the gay parent, they are legal dependents of the gay step parent as well – which could open up employer sponsored health insurance to them if we ourselves are not able to provide coverage. For some of our families, the alternative for our children’s health insurance has been Medicaid, even though our ex’s long time gay partner has good insurance, but no legal standing as a married person with dependents.

It can also mean that a gay couple will use the legitimacy of marriage to bully the straight parent. This “I have a new husband/wife who will be a better mother/father than the one I’m replacing” school of divorced parenting happens in heterosexual divorces where litigation over children is used as a weapon of control. It can be expected a variation will continue with gay marriage too.

It can mean that claims by straight spouses of infidelity,  fraud or deceit in the marriage may be honored more than they are now, since the legal definition of marriage will include gays. It can mean that there will be fewer restrictions on straight ex spouses speaking about their ex being gay. After all, that is the truth we and our families live, and is not badmouthing when spoken honestly.

Sadly, the inevitable legal appeals will have another consequence for us – yet again, our lives will continue to be dismissed and ignored unless we can be used to further someone else’s agenda. Straight spouses are not a monolithic group. We don’t speak with one voice or with one experience. We do have a common need for support, affirmation, confirmation, and recognition of the process of our healing. Many of us support gay marriage, many of us oppose it. Some of us support it as a civil institution but would be uncomfortable with it in our churches. The fearful spectors of what gay marriage will bring are the realities that we now live with. Some of us have horrible family situations, some of us have made for a peaceable realm within our so called rainbow families, which actually are step families. No matter, we exemplify what there is to be afraid of, and so we are shoved aside, along with any recognition of our ongoing need for counseling, support, friendship, and normalcy.

Ongoing appeals of the California decision on Prop 8 also bear consequences for the Straight Spouse Network. Like it or not, as a non profit we are lumped into the category of LGBTQ charities, even though the people we serve are not LGBTQ. Within that narrow category, foundations that might give us grants to carry on our important and largely unnoticed work will have to choose their priorities. For many foundations who fund LGBTQ charities as a mission, the priority will be funding gay marriage litigation, not funding recovery programs for straight spouses.

Our reality continues, unchanged. For many of our families, the ability of our former husbands and wives to now marry their gay partners is a welcome relief. For others, it’s a nightmare – but a personal one, not a social one.

A while back, the board of the Straight Spouse Network took an official position on gay marraige.  You can read that position here.

You found the porn on the computer and were told “I don’t know how that got there”. You got the admission from your husband that he’s had sex with other men, but “that’s all done now”. But you just don’t know. He seems to have an answer for everything, and he’s so secretive about his schedule, his meetings, his cell phone. And you feel like maybe you are hurting his feelings, not trusting him, not believing him.  Let’s look at what is possible with technology, to put your mind at rest – or to confirm your suspicions.

Yes, it is possible to get a virus that infects your computer by downloading pornography without your knowledge. This has been a huge defense of pedophiles who are caught with illegal porn – and it has ruined the lives of innocent people. It is possible to get a virus attached to file sharing applications on social networking sites that will substitute pornographic images for the advertising that appears on non-pornographic websites. When you have a virus like this, you can wonder if the entire world has gone mad. If you find this happening, get thee to a geek as soon as possible, and expect to spend money to fix it. You can also contact anti virus software companies, such as Norton, and take advantage of their live support. They will connect to your computer remotely, and work with you to clean it up.

There’s a new kind of intruder, called “ransomware“. This started in the gaming industry, when hackers were able to freely access X rated computer games. The virus looks like you are installing a feature of the game, and then informs you that your private information that you just used for sign up will be publicly displayed on a website until you pay up. The games usually feature sexual activity that is linked to fetishes and is not socially acceptable in general – so the user pays.  It’s the same type of vicious attack that will lock up your windows files until you pay or wire money – exposing your account information.

However, most computer professionals will tell you, those pop ups and strange trojans don’t appear unless someone has already visited sites that feature this type of porn. If the family computer is infected, you need to have a professional identify the virus and its source, and help you get rid of it.

Now, what about the phone? As a straight wife, you probably had no idea, but here’s the truth – bathroom nookie and internet dating for gay men have a high tech boost with an app for smart phones called Grindr. It works by GPS – once the app is launched, the physically closest guys who also have the app appear first. Picture, profile, contact information. That means that when your husband’s flight is delayed, he can use this app to anonymously surf the crowd at the airport for a quick date. Same when he is bored at the little league game and wants to see if there are any other dads like him. It works on Iphone, Blackberry, and Wi-fi with iPod touch and iPad.

It’s not uncommon for married couples to share one anothers’ cell phones. If your husband’s smartphone is under more lock and key than the President’s Blackberry, and yet the bill is paid from your household budget, you have reason to have a healthy suspicion that he is not telling you the truth.

You can, and should, set boundaries. Tell your husband to use his own computer, and his own internet service, and that he may no longer access the family computer, printer, scanner, or fax machine. You and your family have a right to be safe in cyberspace. Also, if he uses a laptop, he is not to look at it when family is present. Everyone knows what it means when he quickly closes it up. It is painful to a wife to know that she is not the love of her husbands life, but the mommy figure who catches him being a bad boy. This does nothing for a marriage, and it erodes a woman’s sense of self. None of this should be going on in your presence, or on any computer network used by other family members.

If the porn keeps appearing, and you know your husband no longer has access to the computer, take it back to your expert, and consider that your teens may be visiting inappropriate sites. That’s a whole new set of boundaries; and a purchase of new anti virus software, and possibly spyware.

Some years back, there was a wonderful book about the misadventures a seemingly happily married woman had when she discovered her husband was gay. Pretzel Logic, by Lisa Rogak, described the convoluted twists of reasoning and rationalization we all experience in our marriages, tryng to understand and resolve our issues of marriage to a gay person.

The term Pretzel Logic describes a twisted reasoning that always brings us back to the same unresolved place, where we are the only loose end if we do not subscribe to the apparent logic before us. The end result is that we ourselves become twisted, and have a much more difficult time with our own recovery.

We encounter pretzel logic in discussions with our spouses, our family members, our friends (current and former) our clergy, and unfortunately, our counselors.

Here are some examples of pretzel logic – and a possible argument for each scenario:

1. “It’s just the same as if I cheated on you with someone of the opposite sex. You should forgive me.” or “I didn’t cheat on you, it was just oral sex with a man, not intercourse with a woman.” No, it is not just the same. And yes, it is infidelity. It is extramarital sex.
2. “If she’s happy, then the marriage will be ok, and I’ll be happy.” Unless you are ready for some non traditional arrangements from the beginning, are YOU happy with a wife who must have sex with anyone else in order to be happy?
3. “I’m not gay, I just like having sex with men (or women, if a lesbian wife is talking)”. Again, is having sexual activity of any kind outside of marriage what you bargained for? Would that be an acceptable answer for heterosexual infidelity?
4. “I’ve been honest with you, and your attitude is the reason this marriage is ending. You’re not willing to work on our relationship.” When did this honesty start? If it started recently, then no, your reaction to the deception is NOT the reason the marriage is ending. If you knew from the beginning that there was a history of same sex attraction in your spouse, you may not have realized how this would interfere with your marital intimacy.Gay spouses have had their entires lives to figure out that they are gay. You have been dealing with this reality for far less time.
5. “I’ve changed. I’ll never do it again. You’re not being supportive.” Even if it were possible to change sexual orientation, there will always be a question of honesty and trust. When the support is there for “preserving the marriage” and “changing”, there is usually little to no support for the straight spouse as a human being. How will you cope with the lavender elephant in the room for the rest of your married life?
6. Me being gay is not the only problem, look at you. You’re (pick one) a. fat b. insensitive c. not available d. narrow minded e. homophobic. Lots of people are fat and they stay happily married. It’s more difficult to embrace a new lifestyle than it is to embrace love handles. If the ideas proposed include open marriage, having it both ways, celibacy for one or both partners, closed loop relationships, then this is a lot for a straight person who thought they were in a monogamous marriage to be suddenly open to. Anger, revulsion, shame, and horror at discovery or disclosure that a spouse is gay or lesbian have nothing to do with homophobia.
7. “You can’t tell anyone else. It’s wrong to out a gay person .” or “I’m out and proud and telling everyone we know, and if you don’t agree, you’re hateful and homophobic.” An individual’s sexuality is really no one else’s business except the people they have sex with. If a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered individual marries a heterosexual person, then it is the spouse’s business too. Coming out or staying in the closet affects the wife, husband, and children. The straight spouse is entitled to confide in family, friends, and anyone who will give them support for their healing, or for that matter, anyone they choose. They should also be respected if they prefer discretion among their family members and friends, or have concerns about children meeting a new partner while they are still coping with divorce.

New York National Guardsman Lt Dan Choi in Baghdad

Lt Dan Choi was discharged from the United States Army today for the crime of revealing that he is homosexual.

You may remember Lt. Choi, as we wrote about him earlier in this blog.  Members of our group had the pleasure of meeting him at an event in Rockland County, NY.  Choi is a graduate of West Point, and has been twice deployed to Iraq.  He is an Arabic linguist, with skills that are in high demand.

But he’s gay.  And he’s honest about it.  So he’s gone.  Honorably discharged for a reason that requires him to be dishonorable, and dishonest.

What does this mean for straight spouses and our families?  Plenty.

While Lt. Dan Choi and others who serve honorably are required to be discharged under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell if they disclose that they are homosexual,  there are plenty of straight spouses who are married to gay people who are still active in the military.  They are unable to seek help for themselves because they are afraid of outing their spouse, and losing the benefits active military and their dependents rely on.  They are afraid to get counseling, see a lawyer about divorce, or confide in a friend, for fear that someone will “tell” and their family will be financially ruined.

Some of those wives are in abusive relationships, and know about the homosexual activity their husbands are engaged in, both on base and while deployed.  They suffer in silence, afraid, isolated, cut off from the normal support systems of military families, because they are terrified that someone else will learn the secret.  The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy actually enables spousal abuse.

Gay people who have families with a partner cannot divulge that relationship.  If they are killed in action, it may be days before the partner knows.  The partner is not notified, because after all, there are no gay people allowed to serve in the military. The partner cannot legally marry them, even in states where gay people can be legally married, because that would be telling. The partner does not receive survivor benefits, and they and their children cannot take advantage of support systems for families of deployed soldiers.  After all, people who serve in the military are not gay, remember?

As the government sanctioned oppression of all spouses and partners of active duty soldiers who are gay but not supposed to be continues, we here at the Straight Spouse Network wish nothing but the best for Lt. Choi.  We are confident that he will continue to display the honor, valor, courage, and honesty he has shown in service to his country.  We also have reason to believe he will continue to practice the West Point Honor Code  “A cadet will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do” in all his future endeavors.

June is the season for “Dads and Grads”, and there are plenty of family celebrations going on.  This can be a very difficult time for families adjusting to life after a father or mother comes out as gay or lesbian, or is discovered but continues to deny.  In keeping with the season, and with some of the struggles straight spouses face at this time, we were happy to come across a commentary by Ben Stein on CBS.  The message quite simply is this: Be yourself, and do what makes you happy.  It’s advice to grads, facing uncertain economic times, and pressure to settle for a job, any job.

Many of us have gay spouses and ex spouses who have done just that.  They’ve been encouraged to come out, be their authentic selves, etc.  In doing so, some do not know how to deal with the effect on us.  And many of us have become so accustomed to accommodating everyone else, that we have forgotten what it is that makes us happy.  What are we doing when we are happiest in our lives?  Some of us have to really take a minute to remember.

During June,  we celebrate family events, such as Fathers Day, or weddings and graduations.  These can be painful for straight spouses at any stage, particularly those new to the transition.  At this time of year, Stein’s remarks ring true for many of us.  Gay people are not the only ones who need to be true to themselves.  We must be true to ourselves as well.

Most of us know that we did not turn our spouses gay.  What we grapple with in the aftermath is the idea that somehow we are inadequate.  Husbands of lesbians wonder at the accusations of not being sensitive, caring, responsive, wrapped up in their careers. Wives of gay men wonder about the contemptuous treatment many of them experience regarding their own bodies, their desire to be seen as attractive,and the lack of affirmation of their femininity once they produce the desired result: children.  Many men and women both are in recovery from sexual dysfunction which they believed they had some responsibility for, and are now in the process of rebuilding their own heterosexual expression and gender identity.

Many also grapple with the face of the reality in family situations.  Some straight spouses are uncomfortable with the degree that the gay spouse is out of the closet.  Still others chafe at decrees to keep it a secret, and abet the denial.  That denial can be a flat out “you’re crazy, what makes  you think I’m gay” to a more subtle “If I’m going to be with a woman sexually, it doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian” response of actress Cameron Diaz. To a husband of a lesbian, who is being told he is not enough, or his touch is not preferred, it is all the same experience, and should be acknowledged.  Abetting the denial can also mean that blame will fall on the straight spouse – who even though they have their faults, can never know if working it out would have helped .  They are the wrong gender for their closeted gay or lesbian spouse to be fulfilled with. You can fix everything, and your husband or wife is still not happy, because they’d rather be with someone of the same sex.

The ability to be truthful to ourselves, and about ourselves, is vital.  That means, get in touch with what you really like to do, and how you are best comfortable with whatever solutions are arrived at with your family and friends.  And give yourself time to recover, and permission to feel all the normal feelings that come with this experience and express them honestly.

We are more than a breeder, a beard, a prop, a possession, a sperm donor, or a paycheck.  We are real people who deserve to be our selves, and be who we are, not what someone else thinks we should be.  As Ben Stein sums it up, “That’s it.  Choose to live a life you want to live, not one that’s safe or what someone else thinks you should do.

Decide to live. ”

We wholeheartedly agree.

Much has been made in the news lately of George Alan Rekers’  trip in which he employed a young male prostitute from a gay website to be his companion.  Rekers, the founder of the Family Research Council with Dr. James Dobson gave back trouble and difficulty lifting luggage as the reason for hiring a companion.  We’re not going to join the pile on of blogs attacking alleged clergy hypocrisy, sneering at Rekers’ powerful and effective campaigns against Prop 8 in California and inclusion of gays and lesbians in family society while personally engaging the services of a whore.  It could be that he knew nothing of the young man’s background.  It could be that he did not hire him off the website.  It could be that this is a set up.

However, as straight spouses, we have heard this reasoning before.  Here are some real live responses from real live closeted gay husbands reported by straight wives:

“I don’t know how that picture got there.  Yahoo must be putting things on our computer.”

“Now how can you believe I would do something like that?  Don’t you have any faith in me? You’re not  a good Christian wife to have no faith in your husband.”

“Yes of course I am spending thousands of dollars a month on the cell phone and sending money to that poor fellow because I am TRYING TO HELP HIM!”

” You don’t know very much about men, do you?  We all look at porn.  Men, women, who cares.  What is the big deal?  WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU???”

“I would NEVER expose you to HIV, you don’t have to worry about that!” (translation – I’ve got this under control, it’s not going to happen to me)

“I’m not a gay man.  I’m just tempted to have sex with men”

Yes, it could all be a set up.  But so many of us have been set up by husbands and wives who have a “same sex attraction”, who compartmentalize their experience, and who find ways to blame us for the failure of marriage, family life, and family finances.  All while posing as solid  members, in churches and synagogues that do nothing to minister to straight spouses of openly gay people, or acknowledge that the closeted behavior of denial eviscerates a spouse sexually, spiritually, and emotionally.

Many of our congregations do not minister to us, and in many places, faith communities provide scant comfort when our perspective is not focused on whatever the agenda of that particular denomination is.  This is true in the liberal, “affirming” and “inclusive” congregations, as well as in conservative, fundamentalist and evangelical ones.  Clergy are not trained in how to manage the ongoing crisis of a mixed orientation marriage or divorce.  Often the issue is hidden behind treatment for sex addiction, porn addiction, or ex gay ministries that do little to address the spouse’s experience and challenges.

Many straight spouses, whose faith sustains them, find that they must leave their home congregation and look elsewhere for the affirmation and spiritual growth that this crisis demands.

So yes, Reverend Rekers could have been set up by someone wanting to discredit his politics.  But for any straight spouse of a gay or lesbian living comfortably in a stained glass closet, please know that the Straight Spouse Network is here for you.  We are confidential, non sectarian, and we won’t tell you what to do.  We will listen.

There are plenty of religious organizations that advocate for the rights of gays and lesbians.  There are plenty of religious organizations that advocate for the exclusivity of male female marriages.  There are plenty of political offshoots of faith groups on both sides of Prop 8.

There are no ministries to straight spouses.  Clergy who wish to support us have scant resources.  For those faith communities who are interested in reaching out to straight spouses, the Straight Spouse Network can be an invaluable resource of information and perspective about this devastating experience.

By Kathy C.
Executive Director

Three members of the Westchester and Mahwah Face to Face  groups  went into New York City last week on Friday night and built some bridges between SSN and the LGBT Gay Fathers Group.  We had been asked to come in and give our  perspective on the whole issue of our spouses coming out.

There were about 30 dads ranging from 30′s – 60′s there – all of whom were or are still married. All but one was out to their spouses for any number of weeks, years.  We went around the room and everyone introduced themselves, let us know first names, where they were from and how many children and ages of them.  Kids ranges were from 4 – in 30′s.

They were the nicest group of men, very respectful of us and very much listening to what we  had to say. We told our stories (in about 5 min each) so we could then open to a question, answer period.  They had very good questions and most were quite concerned about their spouse- her feelings, anger, hurt she was feeling when they came out. Some had questions on how and when to tell children – some had spouses who felt they should not tell children – interesting one was the dad with a 19 uear old daughter whose spouse didn’t think they should tell her.  We disagreed with that and explained better they tell her and she not find out from elsewhere (and explained she probably knew).

These dads were most supportive of each other. One asked “will we ever be able to be friends again”.  We all felt that yes, they could co-parent and be friends but first they had to iron out the issues on the table for them at the moment (which  is settling financials, child custody, schooling, etc  for  their divorce).

They asked if we would come again since we didn’t get to talk about the effect on children very much. We had to leave at 10 pm when the center closed and stood outside another half hour speaking to some of them.

We assured them we would go in again anytime they wanted us to return.
We learned a lot from them as they did from us.

We have a lot of sympathy this week for Marie Osmond and her family, in the aftermath of the suicide death of her son, Michael Bryan.  Recent speculation that Marie’s son was a closeted gay man in agony has been fueled by Roseann Barr’s vicious blog entry.  The internet is abuzz with criticism of the Osmond family and that poor unloved gay son, the Mormon church’s anti gay stance, and accusations that the Osmonds must be hypocrites if they draw strength and faith from their church.

This really doesn’t have much to do with straight spouses – but it’s about family, and how families are judged.  We straight spouses sure know a lot about that.  We are so often judged by people who never have experienced having a spouse reveal that they are gay. People who just know that this would never happen to them.  People who know what they would do if they were us.  People who know just what we oughtta do.

We know all about the judgments of folks who think it’s no biggie to find out your spouse is gay,
Or who think you ought to just join up with the fight for gay rights,
Or who think that your children should never be allowed near those people,
Or who think that you had to have known, what, you stupid or something,
Or who think that having a lesbian wife is so hot you lucky man.

Constantly, straight spouses are judged by people who actually KNOW NOTHING.

A time of loss and profound grief has been publicly responded to with unwarranted personal attacks on Marie, her family, and their religion, all in the name of gay rights.  There’s a powerful amount of judgment going on, and any denial of these so called “truths” is met with cynicism and hateful sneers. Many straight spouses know EXACTLY how this feels, including the ones who are Mormon, or former Mormons.

Here are some facts:
1. There are no news reports that Marie’s son was gay.  His closest friend denies that he was.
2.  Gay or straight, he’s dead. He suffered from depression, addictions, and was estranged from his father.  Gay or straight, that’s enough to send any young adult out the window.
3. Marie has given public support to her daughter who is openly lesbian.
4.  Marie has stated that she supports gay marriage.
5.  Marie is taking steps to move forward with her life.

The death of a child is one of the most profound losses any parent can experience. The entire process is flooded for many parents with doubts, what ifs, should haves.  The know it alls who are poised to tell a mother that if only she’d left her church her son would have been “accepted” and not committed suicide, are a mindless, thoughtless, cruel rabble of bitter, twisted hatemongers.

When Marie’s daughter Jessica came out, this blog gave Marie a bouquet of “cyber roses” for her public support.  We do not get to choose being parents of gay men and women, or husbands and wives of people who have a latent realization that they are gay,lesbian, bisexual, or transsexual.  It happens in our families.  All our families. How we deal with it is what matters.

It’s very hard to deal with your grief at the death of your child when people you don’t know are blasting you for hating gay people all over the internet.  Especially when you’ve said you don’t!

So Marie, from us to you – here’s another bouquet.  With our heartfelt sympathy for your grief and loss.

By Carol Grever

I need your help.  As straight spouses, you and I have a foundation of mutual understanding because we’ve walked similar paths.  Challenges of mixed-orientation families seem insurmountable at times, calling for outside help.  We need a supportive listener to relieve the isolation of the closet, to stave off despair and offer hope for resolution of this confusing predicament.  Sooner or later, most straight spouses seek counseling from a professional clinical psychologist, licensed social worker, or pastor.  Often this counseling brings a turning point toward deep healing.  Occasionally, it seems to do more harm than good.  What makes the difference?

I’m researching counseling techniques for a forthcoming handbook for therapists who work with gay-straight couples and their families.  Specifically, I need real-life stories–your good and bad experiences with counseling.  What worked for you?  What really helped?  What made you want to run from that office and never return?  What made you furious?  What comforted you, challenged you, helped you set a fresh, positive course?  What related advice would you offer other straight spouses and their families regarding counseling?

Will you disclose your experience for others’ benefit?  Your story would be used anonymously as convincing demonstration of best practices and those that are disastrous.  Any information that you offer will be treated with utmost care, your identity never revealed.  By sharing your experience, you can be instrumental in sensitizing new therapists to the nuances of this delicate dilemma.

If you’re willing to help with this project, send me an email at carolgrever@gmail.com .  Please detail what happened, how you felt about the counseling events at the time and later, and the eventual outcome of the experience.  If you visited more than one counselor, compare their different methods and your response to them.

I’ll be deeply grateful for any information you offer, and I promise to treat it with absolute integrity.  Well-trained, sensitive, knowledgeable counselors are essential to straight spouses and their families striving to understand their present reality and reconfigure their future.  Your shared experience will help to educate more of those effective therapists.  Thank you!

Carol Grever, Author
Blog:  http://www.straightspouseconnection.com
Website:  http://www.carolgrever.com

Editor’s note:  We’ve often said in this blog that many counselors, therapists, and clergy have no tools to learn about the special needs of counseling straight spouses or both partners in mixed orientation marriages. We are happy to spread the word for Carol, and hope that her research will result in a better informed professional counseling community where we are concerned.  If you are willing to participate in her research, please contact her directly, as this is not sponsored by the Straight Spouse Network.