By Carolyn

The never-ending question straight spouses get is “how could you not know?” That question seems obvious to straight people married/partnered with other straight people. And – from my perspective – it’s even more obvious the younger you are.

For my generation, especially those of us who were at the very cusp of the sexual revolution, it wasn’t clear. For me, it wasn’t clear for decades. A gay male friend of mine (whom of course I dated in high school) said his now-ex wife asked the same question in joint counseling. Their counselor replied simply: “Because X didn’t want you to know.”

If you were very naïve sexually, and very young, you didn’t know what to expect. You didn’t know what was “normal” and what wasn’t. And – if you were insecure about your very physical being – it was very easy to think it was YOU that was the “problem.” YOU weren’t sexy enough, skilled enough, didn’t turn him/her on enough.

Hindsight is so clear. What I’ve come to call “retroactive humiliation” still haunts me.

The fact that he used to sign his notes to me in college with a fish symbol (as in cold fish)

The fact that he never ever liked deep kissing

The fact that he ran to my parent’s guest bathroom and vomited right after he asked me to marry him.

The fact that he demurred about touching my breasts the first time we made love (of course, not until after we were engaged, six months before we married)

The fact that he got roaring drunk on our wedding night.

The fact that I cried myself to sleep for the first year after we were married thinking “is that all there is?” It wasn’t like what I had read about in books and magazines, what I’d seen in the movies.

The fact that he rushed to wash himself immediately after intimacy.

The fact that we never cuddled on the couch; almost never spooned.

I could list one hundred examples. It doesn’t make a difference. If you don’t know, you simply don’t know.

For me, the opposite facts were that we were intellectually compatible, liked the same restaurants, and movies, and travel, got along really well for years. But but but…. yes, hindsight is so clear. Going to an elegant resort for our 30th anniversary and he didn’t touch me? It was because he had high blood pressure, was on medication, I was too fat, etc.

Some people think there’s an ironclad list you can check off – if ten out of twenty things are present then he/she is LGBT. I don’t believe that. I believe that – while there are great similarities – each person’s story is unique.

I also believe one has to trust one’s gut.  One’s gut tells the truth. I didn’t, for far far too long.

But when the facts were irrefutable, I found the Straight Spouse Network (www.straightspouse.org). And it saved my sanity. I wasn’t alone! This had happened to thousands and thousands of other people, and there were peers out there who had my back, who made me KNOW it wasn’t ME.

Yes, hindsight is so clear. And help is right there.

Some years back, there was a wonderful book about the misadventures a seemingly happily married woman had when she discovered her husband was gay. Pretzel Logic, by Lisa Rogak, described the convoluted twists of reasoning and rationalization we all experience in our marriages, tryng to understand and resolve our issues of marriage to a gay person.

The term Pretzel Logic describes a twisted reasoning that always brings us back to the same unresolved place, where we are the only loose end if we do not subscribe to the apparent logic before us. The end result is that we ourselves become twisted, and have a much more difficult time with our own recovery.

We encounter pretzel logic in discussions with our spouses, our family members, our friends (current and former) our clergy, and unfortunately, our counselors.

Here are some examples of pretzel logic – and a possible argument for each scenario:

1. “It’s just the same as if I cheated on you with someone of the opposite sex. You should forgive me.” or “I didn’t cheat on you, it was just oral sex with a man, not intercourse with a woman.” No, it is not just the same. And yes, it is infidelity. It is extramarital sex.
2. “If she’s happy, then the marriage will be ok, and I’ll be happy.” Unless you are ready for some non traditional arrangements from the beginning, are YOU happy with a wife who must have sex with anyone else in order to be happy?
3. “I’m not gay, I just like having sex with men (or women, if a lesbian wife is talking)”. Again, is having sexual activity of any kind outside of marriage what you bargained for? Would that be an acceptable answer for heterosexual infidelity?
4. “I’ve been honest with you, and your attitude is the reason this marriage is ending. You’re not willing to work on our relationship.” When did this honesty start? If it started recently, then no, your reaction to the deception is NOT the reason the marriage is ending. If you knew from the beginning that there was a history of same sex attraction in your spouse, you may not have realized how this would interfere with your marital intimacy.Gay spouses have had their entires lives to figure out that they are gay. You have been dealing with this reality for far less time.
5. “I’ve changed. I’ll never do it again. You’re not being supportive.” Even if it were possible to change sexual orientation, there will always be a question of honesty and trust. When the support is there for “preserving the marriage” and “changing”, there is usually little to no support for the straight spouse as a human being. How will you cope with the lavender elephant in the room for the rest of your married life?
6. Me being gay is not the only problem, look at you. You’re (pick one) a. fat b. insensitive c. not available d. narrow minded e. homophobic. Lots of people are fat and they stay happily married. It’s more difficult to embrace a new lifestyle than it is to embrace love handles. If the ideas proposed include open marriage, having it both ways, celibacy for one or both partners, closed loop relationships, then this is a lot for a straight person who thought they were in a monogamous marriage to be suddenly open to. Anger, revulsion, shame, and horror at discovery or disclosure that a spouse is gay or lesbian have nothing to do with homophobia.
7. “You can’t tell anyone else. It’s wrong to out a gay person .” or “I’m out and proud and telling everyone we know, and if you don’t agree, you’re hateful and homophobic.” An individual’s sexuality is really no one else’s business except the people they have sex with. If a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered individual marries a heterosexual person, then it is the spouse’s business too. Coming out or staying in the closet affects the wife, husband, and children. The straight spouse is entitled to confide in family, friends, and anyone who will give them support for their healing, or for that matter, anyone they choose. They should also be respected if they prefer discretion among their family members and friends, or have concerns about children meeting a new partner while they are still coping with divorce.

By Cathy Wos

This week I am so sad and so tired.

Tired of being a Dirty Little Secret.

What’s my secret and my crime? Falling in love and marrying a gay man.

I had plans – I had a future. I was supposed to be married, living in my dream home and raising my 2.5 children. But life got in the way of my plans.

And now I belong to the club no one wants to join.

For two years I kept my husband’s secret. I told THREE people he was gay. After we separated I waited six months before I told anyone at work.  I was scared and I was ashamed. I look back and I can’t even remember why. Was I protecting him? Was I afraid of what people thought? Was I shamed by my Church, which told me it was a sin to be divorced and for him to be gay? Probably all of those reasons and many, many more.

But then I found the Straight Spouse Network. And I found people who loved and accepted me for who I was: the quirky, sarcastic girl with the heart that was black on the inside. The girl whose only crime was falling in love with a gay man.

Two things changed a few years ago. I left my job and no longer had to worry that my work with the Straight Spouse Network might be a conflict of interest and I became Communications Director. It was then that I decided that I had to be fully out of the closet. My name was attached to the Straight Spouse Network and there aren’t a whole lot of Cathy Wos’s out there (besides my mother). I had to stop caring what people thought, so that I could be effective.

You know what my Dirty Little Secret is now?

I DO want to belong to this club. I am honored to be a part of this organization. I no longer think that loving a gay man was my sentence or my crime.

And my greatest hope is that with extra money from a big corporation, and all the extra exposure that goes along with it, no straight spouse will have have to feel ashamed or guilty or alone.

Because then this journey will be worth it.

During the month of July please vote for the Straight Spouse Network’s Pepsi Refresh Project:

http://www.refresheverything.com/straightspouse

This week I am so sad and so tired.

Tired of being a Dirty Little Secret.

What's my secret and my crime? Falling in love and marrying a gay man.

I had plans - I had a future. I was supposed to be married, living in my dream
home and raising my 2.5 children. But life got in the way of my plans.

And now I belong to the club no one wants to join.

For two years I kept my husband's secret. I told THREE people he was gay.
After we separated I waited six months before I told anyone at work. I was
scared and I was ashamed. I look back and I can't even remember why. Was I
protecting him? Was I afraid of what people thought? Was I shamed by my
Church, which told me it was a sin to be divorced and for him to be gay?
Probably all of those reasons and many, many more.

But then I found the Straight Spouse Network. And I found people who loved and
accepted me for who I was: the quirky, sarcastic girl with the heart that was
black on the inside. The girl whose only crime was falling in love with a gay man.

Two things changed a few years ago. I left my job and no longer had to worry
that my work with the Straight Spouse Network might be a conflict of interest
and I became Communications Director. It was then that I decided that I had to
be fully out of the closet. My name was attached to the Straight Spouse
Network and there aren't a whole lot of Cathy Wos's out there (besides my
mother). I had to stop caring what people thought, so that I could be effective.

You know what my Dirty Little Secret is now?

I DO want to belong to this club. I am honored to be a part of this
organization. I no longer think that loving a gay man was my sentence or my crime.

And my greatest hope is that with extra money from a big corporation, and all
the extra exposure that goes along with it, no straight spouse will have have
to feel ashamed or guilty or alone.

Because then this journey will be worth it.

During the month of July please vote for the Straight Spouse Network's Pepsi
Refresh Project:

http://www.refresheverything.com/straightspouse

Independence Day in the United States is a family and community celebration of the nation’s freedom and independence.  It is also an occasion for many people to take stock of their personal freedom, their own independence, and measure how far they have come, and what they must do to continue on their own personal freedom trail.

For the straight spouse, that can mean a lot of things.  It can mean remembering the day of discovery or disclosure, and marking all the milestones that have happened in between the darkness of deception and the sometimes blinding light of truth.

We honor the day that we took the steps of freeing ourselves, whether we stay married or divorce.  We honor the day that open communication involved us too, asserting our own needs and perceptions.  We honor the day that we stopped keeping someone else’s secret, or the day we came to a workable agreement how that secret should be shared.  We honor the day we ceased to be disgraced by someone else’s behavior.  We honor the day we became more savvy about money, and started asking the right questions.

We honor our strength, our forbearance, our graces.  We honor those who helped us, listened to us, stayed up nights talking to us so we knew we were not alone.

The Straight Spouse Network has a type of independence day planned all month long.  We are in the running for two grants from large corporations, which will help us get the word out.  They’ll help us continue.

All we need from every single person we have ever helped, including gay spouses and family, is a vote.  Vote for us to win a Pepsi Refresh Grant of $25,000.  You can vote every day of the month of July for this.

Also, up until July 13, if you are on Facebook, you can vote for us to be among the top 200 charities for Chase Giving.  We’ll get a pile of money for that too.  That will free us from having to decide which of our many outreaches to scrap, free us to help more people.  The instructions for voting on Chase are here. You can keep your vote private on both sites if you and your family are not completely out of the closet yet.

We need the help of each and every one of you reading this.  Together we are strong.

June is the season for “Dads and Grads”, and there are plenty of family celebrations going on.  This can be a very difficult time for families adjusting to life after a father or mother comes out as gay or lesbian, or is discovered but continues to deny.  In keeping with the season, and with some of the struggles straight spouses face at this time, we were happy to come across a commentary by Ben Stein on CBS.  The message quite simply is this: Be yourself, and do what makes you happy.  It’s advice to grads, facing uncertain economic times, and pressure to settle for a job, any job.

Many of us have gay spouses and ex spouses who have done just that.  They’ve been encouraged to come out, be their authentic selves, etc.  In doing so, some do not know how to deal with the effect on us.  And many of us have become so accustomed to accommodating everyone else, that we have forgotten what it is that makes us happy.  What are we doing when we are happiest in our lives?  Some of us have to really take a minute to remember.

During June,  we celebrate family events, such as Fathers Day, or weddings and graduations.  These can be painful for straight spouses at any stage, particularly those new to the transition.  At this time of year, Stein’s remarks ring true for many of us.  Gay people are not the only ones who need to be true to themselves.  We must be true to ourselves as well.

Most of us know that we did not turn our spouses gay.  What we grapple with in the aftermath is the idea that somehow we are inadequate.  Husbands of lesbians wonder at the accusations of not being sensitive, caring, responsive, wrapped up in their careers. Wives of gay men wonder about the contemptuous treatment many of them experience regarding their own bodies, their desire to be seen as attractive,and the lack of affirmation of their femininity once they produce the desired result: children.  Many men and women both are in recovery from sexual dysfunction which they believed they had some responsibility for, and are now in the process of rebuilding their own heterosexual expression and gender identity.

Many also grapple with the face of the reality in family situations.  Some straight spouses are uncomfortable with the degree that the gay spouse is out of the closet.  Still others chafe at decrees to keep it a secret, and abet the denial.  That denial can be a flat out “you’re crazy, what makes  you think I’m gay” to a more subtle “If I’m going to be with a woman sexually, it doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian” response of actress Cameron Diaz. To a husband of a lesbian, who is being told he is not enough, or his touch is not preferred, it is all the same experience, and should be acknowledged.  Abetting the denial can also mean that blame will fall on the straight spouse – who even though they have their faults, can never know if working it out would have helped .  They are the wrong gender for their closeted gay or lesbian spouse to be fulfilled with. You can fix everything, and your husband or wife is still not happy, because they’d rather be with someone of the same sex.

The ability to be truthful to ourselves, and about ourselves, is vital.  That means, get in touch with what you really like to do, and how you are best comfortable with whatever solutions are arrived at with your family and friends.  And give yourself time to recover, and permission to feel all the normal feelings that come with this experience and express them honestly.

We are more than a breeder, a beard, a prop, a possession, a sperm donor, or a paycheck.  We are real people who deserve to be our selves, and be who we are, not what someone else thinks we should be.  As Ben Stein sums it up, “That’s it.  Choose to live a life you want to live, not one that’s safe or what someone else thinks you should do.

Decide to live. ”

We wholeheartedly agree.

By Cathy Wos

Fran Drescher revealed to In Touch Weekly that her ex-husband is gay. One blogger claimed that her annoying voice drove him to homosexuality
I understand that this was the writer’s attempt at humor, but forgive me if it left me feeling chafed.

How many times have I heard something similar? I did X to make my husband gay or Y drove him to homosexuality. My snarky response has always been that I am so awesome I made my husband straight for 12 years.  How could I not know he was gay? My response: why shouldn’t I believe he was straight, since that was the way he portrayed himself to the entire world for his entire life?

Fran had this to say about her ex-husband: “I feel so blessed to have met each other and to still have a caring, loving relationship. Love is what we’re all about… We went through a lot together.”  It may seem to the public that this was just a blip on her radar, but it should also be pointed out that they were married for over two decades and she has probably had a decade to process  this.

I have been fortunate enough to maintain a loving friendship with my ex-husband. This would not have occurred if it weren’t for the integrity he showed pre and post-disclosure. Like Drescher, I am a proponent of  same-sex marriage and I gave away my ex at his commitment ceremony. But  it would be disingenuous of me to claim it didn’t hurt like hell at the time.  Without the loving support of the Straight Spouse Network, I may not have  reached this point.

Fran Drescher may be a comedienne, but in this instance I refuse to let her be a punch line.

We have a lot of sympathy this week for Marie Osmond and her family, in the aftermath of the suicide death of her son, Michael Bryan.  Recent speculation that Marie’s son was a closeted gay man in agony has been fueled by Roseann Barr’s vicious blog entry.  The internet is abuzz with criticism of the Osmond family and that poor unloved gay son, the Mormon church’s anti gay stance, and accusations that the Osmonds must be hypocrites if they draw strength and faith from their church.

This really doesn’t have much to do with straight spouses – but it’s about family, and how families are judged.  We straight spouses sure know a lot about that.  We are so often judged by people who never have experienced having a spouse reveal that they are gay. People who just know that this would never happen to them.  People who know what they would do if they were us.  People who know just what we oughtta do.

We know all about the judgments of folks who think it’s no biggie to find out your spouse is gay,
Or who think you ought to just join up with the fight for gay rights,
Or who think that your children should never be allowed near those people,
Or who think that you had to have known, what, you stupid or something,
Or who think that having a lesbian wife is so hot you lucky man.

Constantly, straight spouses are judged by people who actually KNOW NOTHING.

A time of loss and profound grief has been publicly responded to with unwarranted personal attacks on Marie, her family, and their religion, all in the name of gay rights.  There’s a powerful amount of judgment going on, and any denial of these so called “truths” is met with cynicism and hateful sneers. Many straight spouses know EXACTLY how this feels, including the ones who are Mormon, or former Mormons.

Here are some facts:
1. There are no news reports that Marie’s son was gay.  His closest friend denies that he was.
2.  Gay or straight, he’s dead. He suffered from depression, addictions, and was estranged from his father.  Gay or straight, that’s enough to send any young adult out the window.
3. Marie has given public support to her daughter who is openly lesbian.
4.  Marie has stated that she supports gay marriage.
5.  Marie is taking steps to move forward with her life.

The death of a child is one of the most profound losses any parent can experience. The entire process is flooded for many parents with doubts, what ifs, should haves.  The know it alls who are poised to tell a mother that if only she’d left her church her son would have been “accepted” and not committed suicide, are a mindless, thoughtless, cruel rabble of bitter, twisted hatemongers.

When Marie’s daughter Jessica came out, this blog gave Marie a bouquet of “cyber roses” for her public support.  We do not get to choose being parents of gay men and women, or husbands and wives of people who have a latent realization that they are gay,lesbian, bisexual, or transsexual.  It happens in our families.  All our families. How we deal with it is what matters.

It’s very hard to deal with your grief at the death of your child when people you don’t know are blasting you for hating gay people all over the internet.  Especially when you’ve said you don’t!

So Marie, from us to you – here’s another bouquet.  With our heartfelt sympathy for your grief and loss.

This isn’t another post about how the Straight Spouse Network needs money.  Well, we do need money.  But there is one thing we need even more: people who are willing to help other people.

If you’ve learned a few things on your journey about coping, communicating, facing reality, and moving forward after disclosure or discovering a spouse is gay, we invite you to help others who are just beginning to deal with this.  If the Straight Spouse Network has helped you, we need to to help others who now are facing the same dilemma of a husband or wife who is gay.

We need you to help no matter what your experience is: divorce, staying married, male, female, old, young.  We are directly contacted by between 35-40 (5 – 7 per day) people every week from around the world who need our help.  They contact us by filling out a web form or calling us directly.  Each one has a different story.  We have people in place who help them to find someone local to them, a face to face group, or a person who they can talk to in detail.  And that is where you come in.  We’re asking you to be the next voice they hear that says “I understand.  You are not alone” and really knows what they are saying. If you have gained some wisdom, self awareness, and strength through SSN, we are asking you to volunteer.

We aren’t asking you to start a face to face support group, although if you want to that would be great!  There are many areas where these just aren’t available.  Frequently, people connect in other ways – over the phone, email, or in one of our affiliated online support groups – and make plans then to actually meet if possible.  We’re asking you to . to possibly be a contact for those looking for support especially when we have no F2F groups in the area.  To do this go to our website at www.straightspouse.org.  Click to the “How You Can Help” button and scroll to be a contact/facilitator.  Fill in the application form and you will hear from us.    The organization is always here to help you to do this with training and support.

If you don’t think you can do this, we have other jobs for you.  We need help in our local groups with organizing events.  Here are some of the other skills or services we need:

Writing skills
Media skills
Professional printing for publications.
Legal experience
Public relations
Fundraising
Development skills

The Straight Spouse Network is only as effective as the people who are an active part of it.  We’re the peer to peer support group for people who didn’t know they had peers, and thought they were alone.  Share your strength, experience, and perspective.  To volunteer, go to our website, look for that How You Can Help button at the top right of the home page,  and follow the above instructions.

The new year for many straight spouses means changes: new opportunities, new routines, new family life. Not all the changes are happy ones. Some are profoundly disturbing. The key is to look at these changes in our lives as new opportunities to learn, grow, and heal.

As we go forward in the new year, many straight spouses will face challenges of divorce, child custody, and the adjustment of all family members, including children and other relatives. They’ll face tremendous difficulties while coping with their own grief, loss, and anger. Some will bear the brunt of the anger of children and relatives, or the doubts of family and friends about themselves. It is not an easy path. The support of straight spouses by their peers is critical at this time.

The Straight Spouse Network is full of people who really do get it. Whether you are separating, divorcing, or remaining married we get it. Whether your spouse came out to you or continues to live in denial of the obvious, we get it. The peer support that we give face to face, on line, and on the phone is invaluable to straight spouses who face this monumental upheaval in their lives. So often we feel as though we are the only people in the universe with this experience, and wonder if something is really wrong with us. This is often confirmed by well meaning friends and family, and even counselors who are ignorant of our issues.

In putting our best foot forward, we benefit from the company of people who acknowledge our feelings and observations, and are unafraid and unashamed to share with us. We also benefit from resources provided by the Straight Spouse Network which we can share with supportive friends and family, our spouses, and our counselors.

The new year is always about new beginnings, new paths. No straight spouse has to go forward alone.

By Elyse C.

I am a 51 year old woman about to be divorced. That, in and of itself, could be depressing. I hear a common lament from women in my age range that they feel like their lives are over and I can certainly sympathize, or, rather empathize with those women. Being in my 50’s and single are not my idea of a great time.  Statistically, I probably stand a greater chance of being struck by lightning than of getting remarried. Well, I don’t exactly know if that last statement is true. I don’t have actual numbers to back me up.

But wait a minute! What about me? What about using this divorce as a springboard for self-discovery and personal growth? Yes, the financial reality may be dismal, at least initially. But what an opportunity to start over! To grow, to learn, to change, to simplify, to eliminate the negativity from my life! OK, so maybe there are a few wrinkles, gray hairs, body parts that hurt, body parts that don’t want to work the same as they used to work—-but so what? Life can still be good—-heck, it can be better!

Don’t get me wrong:  I’m as nervous as hell about change in my life. I tend to give homage to the status quo. It is certainly easier not to change. To stay in the old, familiar patterns is comfortable. It’s less dangerous, less risky, etc. Nice and safe, just like I like it.

Well, like it or not, my husband came out of the closet, wants out so that he can start his life over and the sooner it happens for him, the better. I could fight it, dig in with both heels. Stall things or bring them to a screeching halt. Hang out for a few more years if I feel like it. But I don’t want to do that. The trouble is, I never saw myself as a divorced person. After 24+ years of marriage, one would think that things wouldn’t change dramatically. But life goes on, whether I agree with the premise or not.

I used to attend church faithfully every week, even several times a week. Lately, I haven’t been going anywhere to church. I intend to remedy that someday. Right now, I’m working on weekends, so it is next to impossible to get to a service. I have wrestled with faith issues since the gay thing entered my life more than 6 years ago. One thing I remember from my years of growing up in the church is a quote from Hebrews 1:11, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” This applies to my life in the here and now. I have such hope for the future. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know that all of it will be good. I certainly have hope that most of my life will be even better than it has been up until now.

I hope that most of you aren’t groaning and saying to yourselves, “She’s done gone and gotten all religious on us now!” I just have such hope for my future and the futures of all of us here, men and women alike. I can’t help but to focus on women in my age range, since they ARE my own kind. I feel like hope is central to all of our lives. If you are new to this, my message may not be something that you can digest or you may be annoyed with my perspective. That’s OK—we all find our own way, in our time, in the way that is right for us. The important thing is simply to open yourself to change, growth, progress, happiness (and perhaps, sadness), love, all the wonderful things that make us human.  I can hardly wait!

The Straight Spouse Network invites the perspectives of various individuals who wish to share their unique experiences. We thank Elyse C for being our Guest Blogger today and permitting us to print her article about her experience.