No matter what is done legally however; the str8 spouses, family and children remain as forgotten casualties of mixed-orientation marriage and divorce. I really wish there was a way to PROVE orientation so that we could absolutely prove that our spouses were intentionally fraudulent when they faked their way into heterosexual marriages. That would indeed open str8 spouses up to a whole new world of financial and therapeutic support. Coming out after heterosexual marriage is NOT an act of bravery. The str8 spouses and children should be the ones embraced and cared for by society. The fraudulent gay spouse should NOT be coddled as the brave one. They chose to lie. They chose to manipulate. They chose to lead a less-than genuine life, and they seem to be getting away with it.

Further, as gay people become married as a matter of course, it will cease to be unusual. Over time it is likely that society will come to see gay marriage as almost banal, the way that interracial marriages become less and less “shocking” to society at large with each passing generation. The repeal of anti-miscegenation laws was part of that shift from shocking to passe. Gay marriage would almost certainly follow the same generational drift.

Perhaps there is no such world where there are zero straight spouses. But a world where homosexuality is normal, without stigma, is likely a world where the straight spouse phenomenon becomes far less prevalent. Enshrining equality of marriage in our laws is an important step toward making that world a reality.

I have a cousin who whose story is so similar to mine that it is eery. However, one difference is that her gay husband is abusive – emotionally abusive. Her husband is active military. So, she suffers in silence and refuses to see a counselor. She states that she does not know for sure if her husband is gay, but suspects it. She has only told me about it, as she trusts me because I am in a similar situation. Other family members also feel that he may be gay. I feel badly for her, but she won’t leave him, at least not anytime soon, and is in a bit of denial. I am worried about her, as I know she has sexual relations with him, and I am pretty sure he is sleeping around men. I think she just doesn’t know what to do, which is common in mixed-orientation marriages, but even more difficult for her as both she and her husband’s survival depends her staying quiet.