Many straight spouses are concerned about what to tell their children.  WHAT to tell is just as important as HOW to tell it.  Generally this conversation goes better if a couple has it together with their children.  But when one spouse wants to keep it a secret and the other does not, then there are a few things to keep in mind: 

•  Make the conversation age appropriate. The conversation with a three year old is different from the conversation with a thirteen year old.   
• A three year old should know that Daddy and Mommy are still Daddy and Mommy – and that the gay significant other is Daddy or Mommy’s special friend.  If no significant other is part of the child’s life, then the mention of one is unnecessary unless they ask questions about what they may have heard. 
• A thirteen year old is going to figure out a lot more about what is going on.  Their questions need to be answered as honestly as possible.  They may endure teasing at school if their gay parent is fully out of the closet, and they will need support for dealing with this.  They will have their own reactions, their own feelings, and these need to be respected.   Teens are coping with their own issues of sexuality, identity, and rebellion.  These all are part of their reactions to divorce, separation, or discovery that a parent is homosexual. 
• Children are generally more concerned about what is happening to their home and family than about whether or not one of their parents is gay. 

 For more perspectives of children in mixed orientation marriages, we recommend the following resources:

Families Like Mine

http://www.colage.org

Kid’s Reading

Adult’s Reading

Kids of Queers

 The process of learning that our husbands are gay or our wives are lesbian is not an easy one.  Frequently while the gay spouse is coming out of the closet, the straight spouse finds they are pushed deeply into a very tight, cramped and dark little closet of anger, despair, grief, shame, and wildly conflicting emotions.  The process is one of discovery and/or disclosure, and sometimes denial. 

 Sometimes the gay/lesbian spouse “comes out” and discloses that they have a same sex attraction to another person or think they are gay.  Sometimes there is no disclosure, and the straight spouse discovers gay pornography, or activity on the computer leading to dating sites for gay men, or steamy text messages from their wife’s best friend.  When confronted with discovery, the gay spouse may incredibly deny the obvious.  

 Or when a gay/lesbian spouse discloses that they are not heterosexual, the denial may work the other way.  “We can fix it.  We can change you”. 

 Denial of the situation only exacerbates the problem.  Here are some classic examples of denial that straight spouses have heard from their husbands, wives, family members, clergy, and therapists:

 ”I’m not gay.  I just like having sex with men”.

“You don’t know very much about men, do you?  We’re ALL curious”

“I’m not gay/lesbian.  Maybe I’m bisexual.  After all, I’m married”

“I just look at gay porn to see if I’m as big as they are”

“I’m not gay, I just fell in love with the person”

“Don’t label me”

“Your husband is not gay.  He has a same sex attraction.  You will just have to get over your anger and understand the difference”

“I’m not gay, I’m exploring my sexuality”

“He’ll get over this gay thing when he gets treatment.”

“He’s not really gay, he has a sex addiction.  Once he’s cured of that he’ll be ok again”

 Discovery and disclosure are a difficult and confusing time for both partners in a mixed orientation marriage.  Denial only worsens the situation.  The straight spouse can often feel like they have been living someone else’s lie for many years, and may question everything they previously took for granted.  When denial is confirmed by counselors, clergy, and family members, the self esteem of the straight spouse is further eroded, driving them into a secret private world of hidden pain and social isolation. 

 Painful as it is, honesty is the best policy.  The straight spouse has the right to know and make adult decisions about staying in the marriage and going forward with the rest of their own life.

  By Amity Buxton

After gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender partners come out in a heterosexual relationship, they find many sources of support outside the relationship to help them stabilize and steer their lives through the confusion.  Support groups for them abound.  Meanwhile, however, their partners find little understanding either from the straight community who minimize their issues or the lgbt communities who more often celebrate the partner who came out.   For straight or non-trans partners, few outsiders — friends, families, associates in the workplace, neighborhood, or faith community, even professionals and clergy –  “get” their unique issues and the devastating effects the disclosure has had on their own identity, integrity, and belief system. 

 To fill this gap, the Straight Spouse Network was founded to provide the support and information needed to help them navigate the post-disclosure turbulent waters to a port that they determine will be best for them and the family.  Support comes from peers – those who alone understand the depth and nature of their devastation; information about their issues, constructive coping strategies, and stages toward positive resolution come from experience, observation, and research studies.

   By Amity Buxton

When a husband or wife in a heterosexual marriage comes out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, the coming out is not an individual event.  It is a family matter that impacts everyone in the household: straight spouse and children (and there are usually children involved).

  Coming out in a family occurs in waves. The first wave is the struggle of the lgbt spouse over months sometimes years until daring to disclose or becoming active enough in extramarital sex activities to be “found out.” The revelation begins the next wave, as the straight spouse has to work though the unexpected information and what it means for him or her, the marriage, and the family – and also lasting months and often years.  Finally, once the couple tell their children or the children find out, their dealing with the revelation becomes the third wave of coming out, as they try to come to terms with their parent’s new identity, effects on their parents’ relationship, and its implications for them. 

 These three overlapping waves, one after the other, stir up the lives of them all, each at a different stage of coping and all aware of the tidal force sweeping them toward an unknown future.

There was a recent discussion on the Str8s confidential email list about actor Brad Pitt making a donation to support gay marriage.  When a high profile person donates to support gay marriage, they are making a statement politically and personally. They are also publicly supporting a social issue which affects their friends, family, and in Hollywood, probably quite a few co workers.
 
The primary function of the Straight Spouse Network is not advocacy, it is support. Advocacy comes with that, but we are not generally a part of the out and proud crowd. SSN’s support is confidential. We do go to gay pride events and take booths to give out information, but we don’t generally march in parades and very few of us feel like dancing and shouting “my husband/wife came out and I am SOOO PROUD!!!” 

When high profile people publicly donate to SSN, the perception could be very different. We do have a few high profile supporters, but they remain anonymous and their support is confidential, just as our support is for straight spouses.  

Much like AA and other support groups, SSN is the type of group that needs to be supported by the people it supports. Other funders look to see that this is happening, sort of like a “pass the hat” approach at AA meetings. Then they feel comfortable donating to meet a specific goal, like maintaining a website, training leaders, etc.
  
Imagine if Brad Pitt or any other well known celebrity publicly supported us. Imagine the reaction. Here’s some of what he might hear:
“Always knew he was gay”
“His poor wife”
“His wife is hot and now we know why”
“They adopted those kids and now this???? ”
“But didn’t his wife just have a baby???? Then how could he be gay?”
“Right. Straight people need money. Gimme some.”
“He gave money to what??? Isn’t that an anti gay group?????”
 
We are not a political cause. (And we are definitely NOT anti gay.) We are a support group for straight spouses, people whose husbands are on the “down low”, people whose wives are “playing for the other team”. In the mainstream public eye, we are not as well defined as groups that advocate for a specific cause.
 
Perhaps someday we will find a celebrity who does for us what Late Late show host Craig Ferguson does for recovering alcoholics. He is a recovering alcoholic, and makes jokes about it, often in passing. He is very funny. Anyone who has any experience with alcoholism knows what he is talking about. Maybe someday there will be a straight spouse on TV who can share the humor we often share among ourselves, not as a focus of our lives, but as an experience that is part of the whole. 

Now imagine if Craig Ferguson announced that he was giving a lot of money to Alcoholics Anonymous. AA is supported largely by private donations, passing the hat, and is well known but confidential. Imagine the possible reaction. “What, he’s drinking again? Well after last night’s show, I am not surprised”. Publicly giving money to AA does not buy you the same credibility as publicly acknowledging that you are a recovering alcoholic, and crediting a twelve step program. Publicly giving money ties you to a group – and the positive and negative perceptions of it. The best public support of AA is among churches and community centers who donate a place for meetings.
 
If Craig or Brad or any other celebrity announced that he was supporting a specific rehab clinic, he’d be lauded and glorified – or criticized if that clinic later were found to be doing the wrong thing for patients. Just look at Oprah’s experience with that. When celebrities donate to a group, and do so publicly, their name is tied to the mission of the group or the effectiveness of the organization.
 
We are a very diverse group of people with no single thing tying us together other than a negative experience in our marriages. So the best strategy is for us to support SSN, and get our friends to. And as Craig says, if you have a problem, find a group of people who have similar experiences and talk to them.  If you are a straight person who discovered that your spouse is gay, lesbian, bi, or transgender, the folks you need to find are at SSN meetings and online support groups.
 
If you are a straight spouse and you work for a corporation that will match your donations of time or treasure for any 501 (c) (3) organization, or buy from a company that will donate to any charity as a thank you for your business, please let SSN know so we can add them to our prospects. Ditto if you have family or friends with a private charitable foundation who would be inclined to show their support for you by making a donation.
 
And if anyone knows Brad Pitt, send his contact info to our Executive Director, Kathy C….

Many straight spouses find Amity Buxton’s book The Other Side of the Closet, when they first begin their journey of discovery/disclosure. Amity is the founder of the Straight Spouse network. To hear a podcast of Amity’s discussion the process of the straight spouse’s experience, please visit John Selig’s interview with her on his site “Outspoken”

Amity discusses the phases of anger, grief, pain, and consequences of not having anyone to share the experience with as well as subsequent crises of identity and trust, and the problem of living someone else’s lie. She also discusses the one third of couples who divorce right away, the second third who try to stay married, and separate, and the final third who remain married for several years. Regardless of the eventual outcome, those couples deepen their relationship and create their own authenticity.

Amity also gives a history of the beginnings of the Straight Spouse Network.

A commentary by John Selig of his family’s personal experience also accompanies the podcast. To download the podcast, please click here

As of Labor Day, our “angel” will be matching one dollar for every two dollars donated up the  maximum of  $50,000.  IF Straight Spouse Network gets donations in over and above the $50,000 mark, then the “angel” will match dollar for dollar.

Please, reach into your pockets, purses, give up that starbucks for a week, throw the change in your pocket in a jar for a month and then give it to SSN but GIVE to enable SSN to be there for those newbies that continue to come along.

Your donations make it possible for us to continue to reach out to others who have discovered they are in a mixed orientation relationship, and help them to heal, build bridges, and move forward.  We do this through our web presence, and our face to face meeting groups.  We are unique in our support for those who feel they have no other place to go where someone will understand the experience of finding out their husband or wife is gay.

Just hit the GIVE DIRECT button (in the right sidebar) and GIVE.

Or write a check payable to SSN and mail it to PO BOX 507, Mahwah, NJ 07430.

Hugs str8 from my heart for your donation
Kathy Callori
Executive Director
Straight Spouse Network
201 825-7763

If you are a heterosexual who has discovered that your husband or wife is having an affair with a person of the same sex, or has an interest in same sex pornography or photographs or cross dresses, you are a straight spouse.

. You might hear that your husband or wife is not “gay” – they are just on the down low, or they have a fetish, or a “same sex attraction”. For most heterosexuals, all of these equal the same thing – they have discovered that their husband or wife prefers sexual activity with someone of the same sex. And this is when their world shifts on its axis.

Straight spouses often feel tremendous anger at having been deceived in this most fundamental way. They may find that their trust in others and in their own judgement erodes significantly. The behavior of the gay spouse, whether out of the closet or still secretive affects their family life, their children’s lives, their social life. And in therapy and counseling, focus is often on understanding the gay spouse, rather than giving attention to the process the straight spouse must go through in order to find healing for themselves. Many counselors and clergy get a handle on the initial crisis, but not on the ongoing process of healing and rebuilding a life for the straight spouse, which can take years depending on the relationship. Some couples remain married, some divorce but remain friends, and for others divorce is complicated, lengthy, expensive and involves a restraining order or two.

This blog is written by those who have experienced this painful deception, and who go forward along the various paths of our lives. Many people tell us that they know what they would do in our situation, but they really don’t know unless they have been there.

Comments and suggestions are welcome!

The Straight Spouse Network (SSN) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual spouses/partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples for constructively resolving coming-out problems. SSN also offers research-based information about spouse, couple, and family issues and resources to other family members, professionals, community organizations, and the public. SSN is the only support network of its kind in the world.

As outreach, the network offers information about spouse and family issues, mixed orientation marriages and spouse resources to professionals, community organizations and the media.

To find out about support groups or individual contacts near you, please visit this page to request information!

•    74 support groups in the US and 7 other countries
•    Spouse contacts for individual sharing in every state and 11 foreign countries
•    Nine online support groups, most with chats and webs attached
•    Strictly nonprofit
•    Funded by tax deductible donations