Telling the Children
Many straight spouses are concerned about what to tell their children. WHAT to tell is just as important as HOW to tell it. Generally this conversation goes better if a couple has it together with their children. But when one spouse wants to keep it a secret and the other does not, then there are a few things to keep in mind:
- Make the conversation age appropriate. The conversation with a three year old is different from the conversation with a thirteen year old.
- A three year old should know that Daddy and Mommy are still Daddy and Mommy – and that the gay significant other is Daddy or Mommy’s special friend. If no significant other is part of the child’s life, then the mention of one is unnecessary unless they ask questions about what they may have heard.
- A thirteen year old is going to figure out a lot more about what is going on. Their questions need to be answered as honestly as possible. They may endure teasing at school if their gay parent is fully out of the closet, and they will need support for dealing with this. They will have their own reactions, their own feelings, and these need to be respected. Teens are coping with their own issues of sexuality, identity, and rebellion. These all are part of their reactions to divorce, separation, or discovery that a parent is homosexual.
- Children are generally more concerned about what is happening to their home and family than about whether or not one of their parents is gay.
For more perspectives of children in mixed orientation marriages, we recommend the following resources:



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