The attention that is paid to straight spouses of closeted homosexuals is often scant, or only given in response to other problems surrounding the painful experience of discovering such deception. One of the problems that appears to be getting recognition currently is the prevalence of AIDS among African American women between the ages of 25 and 34.  AIDS is the number one killer of women in this group.  

One problem is that health care providers ask women if they have had sex with a man who has used IV drugs or who has had sex with other men.  Women can only answer this in the affirmative if they actually know what their partner or husband has been doing.  So, if a woman is married to a man who is leading a double life, her health is at risk because she is faithful and trusting.  Being faithful in a monogamous marriage is generally not considered risky behavior.  But if the woman’s husband and his family and friends are lying to her, she is at great risk.  Because women assume that their husband is being faithful, they don’t ask a husband to wear a condom when having marital relations.  Their husband’s deception can kill them. 

This problem has received special attention among African Americans, and has drawn some scrutiny for the lifestyle choice known as “the downlow” or “DL”.  Men on the DL have sex with other men, are married or in relationships with women, but do not consider themselves to be gay.  They usually hide the homosexual relationship from their wife or girlfriend, as do their friends and partners.  When asked if they are “in the closet” they often respond that gay men are closeted, but they’re not gay. 

The effect on wives of men on the downlow was recently discussed by Amity Buxton and the Straight Spouse Network’s Spouses of Color Coordinator, Sharon, in an interview with Dr. Nathaniel Wilson of the Atlanta Center for Family Wellness.   You can listen to this conversation here. 

Whether on the “downlow” or “in the closet”, the experience for heterosexual women is a common one – anger and pain at being deceived and rejected as a woman, and exposure to a deadly disease with little or no regard for their well being.   There’s no simple way to determine if a husband is having sex with men, and the experiences are diverse and complex. 

People who find that their husband or wife is having a same sex relationship often feel that they cannot talk to family, friends, clergy, or counselors about their marriage.  They often encounter judgement, or avoidance.  The Straight Spouse Network is here to help foster these discussions, promote constructive healing, and give support to families in these difficult and increasingly dangerous situations.

Lets be blunt – in times like these, everyone needs money.  After all, gas costs money. 

 Websites cost money.  Publications cost money.  Training and resources for leaders costs money. 

 The Straight Spouse Network needs money.  Continuing to be the pre-eminent resource of  support of heterosexual spouses of glbt people, building bridges with organizations that support us and our families, and providing ongoing information for professionals who work with us costs money.  Although many of our families enjoy a decent income, in a time of crisis most people are not thinking about where to donate their excess cash.  That goes double when a time of personal crisis coincides with an international financial crisis.

 But we’re creative problem solvers, and we’ve come up with a few solutions for you to support the one organization that saves your sanity when you discover that your husband or wife is gay.  

1.  
   1. We have an angel watching over us, who will match donations received until Thanksgiving.  If you were planning to donate this year, now would be a good time, because your dollars will double.  We believe in angels, and they believe in us!!!
   2. Suntrust Bank has a promotion until October 31, and it is a doozy! Open a checking account with them by October 31, and then make a purchase using that account’s debit card by February 2009, and they will donate $100 to the charity of your choice.  WOW!!!  When you fill out the redemption form, specify Straight Spouse Network.  But hurry!!! The account has to be opened by October 31 or the donation turns into a pumpkin!!!  Suntrust also has an ongoing donation program tied to points for using their check or credit card.
   3. Speaking of banks, do you work for Bank of America?  Because if you do, they have a fabulous matching donation opportunity.  Like many companies, they match employee donations to qualified 501(c)(3) organizations.  They also make donations to non profits where their employees volunteer.  If an employee volunteers 50 hours of charitable time within a calendar year, Bank of America Charitable Foundation will donate $250 to the organization.  Volunteer opportunities within the Straight Spouse Network include helping with mailings, facilitating a face to face group, speaking as part of a panel to represent the straight spouse’s point of view, working a table when we have an exhibit at professional conferences or gay pride, or any specific project of ours that you volunteer your assistance.
   4. Check your employer’s policy on matching gifts.  Many large firms will match donations to specific causes as well as allowing you to donate through United Way.  You don’t HAVE to tell your boss what is going on in your life – just fill out the form for matching donations. 
   5. Now you can list items on Ebay and designate a portion of the sale to benefit the Straight Spouse Network.  Just in time for Christmas shopping/selling!  So if you are clearing out your house, or if you regularly sell merchandise on Ebay, you can designate a portion of your sale to benefit us.  We can also receive donations on Ebay through Paypal, and to sell some of our own in kind donations.  Look to see SSN’s own store on Ebay soon!
   6. Speaking of Christmas, we will again have a Christmas Card sale – complete with our own postage stamp!  You will soon be able to purchase postage stamps with our logo on the web (not at your post office).  You can use these stamps for mailing year round.  It is a great way for family and friends to show their support of you as well. 

 So you see, donating to us is easy, smart, fun, and there’s a thrill when you support us with someone else’s money!!!

The recent decisions by the Connecticut Supreme Court and the California Supreme Court to recognize same sex marriage has ignited the social controversy about what a marriage is, and if it can be applied to same sex couples. At first glance it appears that despite popular opinion to the contrary, the courts have held that the criteria for marriage can be met by a same sex couple, and that restricting gay couples to civil unions only is a lack of equality under the law.  But a recent poll conducted by Connecticut’s Hartford Courant shows that 53 percent of respondents agree with the court decision.  This is obviously as contentious an issue in Connecticut as it is in California. 

 Much of the backlash against these decisions, including California’s Proposition 8 and the proposed amendment to the Connecticut constitution, are rooted in the idea that the traditional institution of marriage must be defended. With all of the challenges to the traditional institution of marriage, it is difficult to see how the legal marriage of two men or two women to one other threatens traditional heterosexual marriage.  No church or synagogue is being told that they HAVE to marry gay couples.  They can choose to not perform these weddings, just as they choose to not perform some heterosexual weddings for various reasons.  Some straight ex spouses of gay people often wonder if gay marriage had been permitted at the time of their own weddings, would their own marriage  have ever taken place? 

 The Straight Spouse Network supports gay marriage, and is not shy about saying so. Gay marriage will not prevent all gay, bisexual, lesbian, or down low people from marrying heterosexual people who believe they are entering a traditional heterosexual marriage.  But it will provide an acceptable alternative for those who are ready to honestly marry a person of their own sex, and will make it socially less acceptable for those who wish to hide behind the appearance of a heterosexual marriage. 

 We would much prefer that those who wish to defend marriage would begin to acknowledge the existence of the straight spouses among them, and open their ears, their hearts, and their minds to the various perspectives of all who have experienced the painful deception of struggling to fit the mold of a heterosexual marriage when they are really in a mixed orientation marriage.

The annual conference of the National Association of Catholic Diocesan Lesbian and Gay Ministry in Long Beach, California, was attended by a mixture of clergy, LGBT people and their parents, and one straight spouse, formerly married to a gay man – Dr. Amity Buxton.  More than 160 people were present at the plenary session to hear Coadjutor Bishop Jaime Soto of Sacramento give the opening address on the topic of love.  As was reported in the press, 5 people walked out when it became apparent that the Bishop’s talk was not about love in general, but about sex.  Specifically, he stated that gay and lesbian people must remain chaste and sexual activity between them is sinful. By the end of the address, the audience erupted in anger.  Within minutes, however, a board member rushed to the stage and invited the Bishop to stay and listen to personal stories of individuals in the gathering.  One by one, nine volunteers walked to the front of the hall, and took the microphone to tell  their “lived experience”  directly to the Bishop as he sat in the front row. 

 All this has been reported in print elsewhere.  What has not been reported is that the lone one straight spouse in the audience was one of the speakers.  Amity summarizes her response:

 ”I recounted my husband’s decision to marry as a good Irish Catholic because it was the right thing to do and would make him happy, even though he had a gay lover unbeknownst to me at the time.  I told of his gradual depression and physical ailments that developed over twenty-five years, our divorce and annulment, and his eventual death alone. At the end, I stated strongly that this painful experience was why I will not stop working toward making sure that no one else has to go through what he, I, and our children had to suffer.”

 Amity later participated in focus groups and three other plenary sessions, informing everyone in each session of the invaluable resource that the Straight Spouse Network provides for straight spouses, current or former of LGBT people and the importance of having this for our families.   It was a revelation to most attendees that straight spouses have a support organization, much less need support. 

 At the final bilingual concelebrated Mass, Amity was gratified to hear the priest who delivered the homily validate the importance of straight spouses.   He said that one new thing he had learned at this conference was the existence and unique perspective of straight spouses and of the work that Amity had been doing to provide support for them for over 20 years. 

 What stands out from this report is in the last statement – the priest had only then learned of the existence of straight spouses.  With all the attention focused on California’s Proposition 8, defining marriage as only between a man and a woman, many churches are unaware of the existence of straight spouses.  If they were aware of us, a portion of the focus, energy and money allotted for the defense of marriage might be allotted for resources to help straight spouses and our families deal with profound moral and spiritual dilemmas.  Resources such as counseling, spiritual healing, renewal, focus on keeping us connected to the communities of faith rather than shunning us, ignoring us until we leave, or responding to our questions and concerns with lectures on that particular denomination’s teachings about our partner’s homosexuality, rather than providing pastoral ministry that addresses our needs.

 Pastoral response to us and our families is a challenge for many clergy of all faiths and political affiliations, especially when our existence is not acknowledged.  The Straight Spouse Network (SSN) is a resource for clergy to learn of our needs and perspectives.  We encourage all communities of faith to plan for appropriate and ongoing pastoral response to straight spouses and their families.  SSN can help them do so.

The first National Coming Out Day was developed nearly 20 years ago when, October 11th, 1987, half a million LGBT people marched on Washington and the voice of the straight spouse was silent.  Now, communities across the country  Oct 11th marks an important day in lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and intersex visibility.   Unlike 20 years ago the voice of the straight spouse need not be silent.   
 
Check your community for scheduled NCOD events and join in.  Why?  Your actions can make a difference.  You can educate others about the lives of a straight spouse when a married LGBT person comes out.  Dispel the myths and misconceptions that they can’t be gay, their married and have children.  Talk about the issues, write letters to the editor.  Let it be known that you and  millions of other Straight spouses are not asking for sympathy but we are asking for support to stand up and denounce those activities that cause so much pain to everyone involved.

We recently conducted a survey of those who are connected to the Straight Spouse Network for support of all types.  The results are interesting; they tell who the straight spouses are, and where they are found. 

 Approximately 2 out of every 3 people who contact us for support is female.  That means 1/3 are male; straight men who are married to lesbians or bisexual women.  You hear very little in the mainstream media about the experiences of men, yet their numbers among straight spouses are significant. 

 More than half of us have had the experience of our spouses coming out to us.  At least 30% have discovered a spouse’s homosexual activity prior to or in place of coming out.  Others have been outed by another person, or had varying experiences of finding out. 84% of the respondents to the survey have children. 

 The average length of marriage among survey respondents is well over 20 years!   Some secrets last a long time. Our ages at discovery/disclosure range from 25 to 79.  Our respondents are throughout the entire United States and five other countries.  Participants in our online support groups anecdotally report an even wider geographic base. 

 Approximately 68% of us have a Bachelors Degree or above.  Nearly 8% have a doctorate.  20% have an Associates Degree or Technical School Diploma. Clearly we are not stupid people. 

 In response to a question about remaining married, 55% of the respondents have already divorced or separated, and another 13% plan to divorce or separate.  8% don’t know what they will do.  The remainder plan to stay in the marriage. 

 For any academic who desires to research mixed orientation couples, the demographics and preliminary statistics are quite compelling.

The Straight Spouse Network is truly OUT there. 

 Recently we issued this press release about National Coming Out Day.  We believe it is important for straight spouses to be visible on this day, a reminder to all of the effect on spouses and families when a glbt person marries a straight person in order to hide the truth about themselves from themselves.  We support coming out, because it is honest, and the best way for a family to resolve their problems. 

 Well, we are global.  We have been featured in many blogs, and in major publications throughout the world.  Some of the news outlets that have carried our story include Marketwatch, Streetinsider, Boston.com, AOL and Yahoo.  We’ve given people something to talk about – and listen to!

 For many of us, the experience of discovery or disclosure is too new to feel like celebrating a spouse’s coming out.  Events that celebrate gay pride can often be painful reminders. But for those who are a few years into the process of healing, supporting honesty and authenticity for all people is important.  It means that fewer people will share our experience.

The phenomenon known as the “down low” has received some well deserved attention in recent weeks.  Television spots and articles are highlighting the publication of Joy Marie’s book The Straight-Up Truth About the Down-Low: Women Share Their Stories of Betrayal, Pain and Survival. This book is a supportive resource for women whose husbands and partners are having sex on the down low- acting as heterosexuals by day but having sex with men at night.  It is a very personal and thorough discussion of a painful experience that is not spoken of too often.  On her website, readers share their stories.  They are sadly familiar to anyone who has networked with a support group.

 Recently, Joy appeared on Fox’s The Mike and Juliet Morning Show with Lisa Durden – director of the movie “PROJECT WOW: Men On The Down Low“, Dr Monica Sweeney, the assistant commissioner of the  bureau of HIV prevention and control, and Terrance Dean,  author of Hiding in Hip Hop.  A video clip of the program can be seen here in two parts.

 Something that all straight spouses can identify with is the emphasis on deception which Joy brought to the program.  When Terrence Dean was describing his experiences with men as being loving, Joy made sure that the entire truth of what sex on the down low often means.  She said “Stop with the loving, having protected sex – you guys are having sex in restrooms, public rest rooms, in parks, mall rest rooms, and then you come home to your “loving wife”.”  Terrence correctly responded that individuals are responsible for their own behavior – and then he told Joy that women should take responsibility for safe sex as well.   “I should use a condom in my marriage?  No, YOU should not deceive and betray innocent, unsuspecting women”, Joy responded to applause.  The other experts on the program said that a woman should have sex with a condom in marriage – because contrary to the story Terrance was telling, down low men do not use condoms when having sex with other men, so as to not face the reality that they are “gay”. 

 The program concluded with the introduction of LaJoyce Brookshire, bestselling author Soul Food and now her personal story, Faith Under Fire, who told of being married to a man on the downlow who is now dead from AIDS.  She did not know when she married him that his first wife had died of AIDS as well.   She too recounted a description familiar to many straight wives,  of marriage to a homophobic, verbally abusive, deeply disturbed man.  LaJoyce said to always ask questions, which she did not ask her husband, about his previous experience. 

 The conversation about the down low as it pertains to women is mostly about AIDS which is the number 1 killer of African American women between the ages of 25 and 34.  The down low certainly contributes to this statistic.  What is often NOT discussed is the emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, and social toll on the heterosexual woman as well as the risk for AIDS. 

 We give a great big shout out to Joy and LaJoyce for telling their stories and encouraging  others to share theirs.

Clay Aiken’s announcement last week that he is gay certainly came as no surprise to many people.  Clay made the announcement to put rumors to rest after the August 8  birth of his son, Parker Foster Aiken.  Parkers mom is Clay’s best friend, producer Jaymes Foster.  The two met while Clay was on American Idol, and will raise their son together.

 Congratulations to Clay and Jaymes on the birth of their son.  Parker certainly was wanted, planned for, and conceived in friendship.  The two are not lovers, but they are best friends.  They wanted a child, and conceived their son through artificial insemination. 

 This might not be the way some people believe a family should bring a baby into the world, but Clay wanted to be a father, and did so without deceiving a woman about who he is.  The two are committed to being parents for little Parker, and deepening their friendship. 

 While it is not surprising that Clay is gay, he did the right thing to announce it.  Many people assume that if someone is a father then he can’t be gay, or that gay people don’t make good parents.  Clay did himself and his family a favor by coming out, putting rumors to rest.  He gave people something to talk about – by doing the talking himself!!!

Reaching Out – Healing – Building Bridges

October is National Coming Out Month.  Many events will be organized in local communities to celebrate gay pride, to celebrate coming out, living authentic lives.  Some events will focus on legal issues, such as gay marriage, proposition 8 in California.  Some events will be shared by straight supporters, such as PFLAG, COLAGE, and local health organizations.  Some supporters will include straight spouses. 

 Generally Straight Spouse Network’s presence at gay pride events is not one of celebration, but one of support and information.  Local contacts participate in order to help gay people and families know that the confidential resource for straight spouse support is present and available. We also encourage gay spouses to come out to their families, and do so in a compassionate and honest way. 

 Public focus on gay pride can sometimes open up some emotional wounds for the straight spouse.  A gay spouse may be feeling the exhilaration that accompanies the initial step out of the closet, and the straight spouse is still in shock, or dealing with the death of a marriage, or anger at what sometimes is a lifetime of deception.  It’s sort of like burying a loved one and then hosting a dance party at the funeral.   There’s a party going on in the midst of profound grief and loss.  For others, support of the causes related to gay rights can be a part of their own healing.   

 We encourage people who are having sex with members of their own gender while married to a person of the opposite gender to come out to their spouses and families.  So often the denial is about the “gay” label.  But the truth is, if you are having sex outside your marriage, your husband or wife deserves to know the whole truth.