By Kathy Callori
Executive Director, Straight Spouse Network

Please, if you have not given – or pledged.. think about doing so by MIDNIGHT, DECEMBER 31 and let us ring in the New year with a even better match!! I would love to come close to the goal of $50,000 in Donations for this campaign.

Donations can be by Check made out to SSN and mailed to PO Box 507, Mahwah, NJ 07430 (any check dated by Dec 31, 2008 will count).

You can also donate by going on line to www.straightspouse.org and hitting the “DONATE ONLINE” BUTTON on the left of the screen and following directions. Our site is quite secure.

You can also make a pledge by contacting me directly.

Happy New Year to All and Thanks for all you do for SSN

During the holiday season, we often have time to read and reflect – or we make time to do this.  Here are a few selections which are of interest to straight spouses and those who wish to offer support to us and our families.  Whether your are looking for information, affirmation,  or coping strategies in your reading material,  you likely will find it among this assortment of books currently sold at Amazon.com

The Other Side of the Closet – by Amity Buxton. This groundbreaking book was published in 1994 and based on over 1000 accounts.   It presents a variety of scenarios for heterosexuals of both genders, and is very much in depth about the ongoing family challenges and reactions.  A must have for anyone going through this experience, or seeking to understand the experience of a loved one in a mixed orientation marriage. 

When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual (Glbt Family Studies) by Carol Grever and Deborah Bowman.  Just published this year, this manual by the author of My Husband is Gay: A Woman’s Survival Guide offers therapeutic self help techniques along with true stories illustrating a variety of situations and responses.  It offers helpful self realization that the damage heterosexual women feel is not permanent, and hope for the continuing future. 

 My Ex is Having Sex With Rex by Jennifer Lee.  An honest and refreshingly candid account of the struggles within a mixed orientation marriage, subsequent divorce, and the author’s experiences with dating and moving forward.  A very easy and enjoyable read.

 On the Up and Up: A Survival Guide for Women Living with Men on the Down Low by Brenda Stone Browder and Karen Hunter Brenda Stone Browder is probably best known as the ex wife of J.L. King, author of On The Down Low:  A Journey into the Lives of Straight Black Men Who Sleep with Men.  This book, published in 2005, tells her story of her marriage, her discovery of her husband’s homosexual behavior, and her journey toward recovery, forgiveness, and healing.  She offers an important perspective for any discussion of issues related to “The Down Low”.  Since completing a tour of speaking engagements with her ex husband entitled “A Conversation of Reconciliation” she has developed a series of seminars for women entitled “You are Not Alone: Women’s Empowerment – Mind, Body, and Spirit”

 A more recent book about the Down Low is Straight Up Truth About the Down Low by Joy Marie.  This is a well written personal account of personal experiences,  written with the intent of making women aware of the sexual practices of men in the down low lifestyle, how to recognize the problem, and how to avoid placing themselves at risk for HIV and other diseases.  The Straight Up Truth website includes some interesting comments by other women who have shared this experience. 

The stress of a new separation, divorce, or discovery of a spouse’s homosexual activity presents new challenges during the holidays. What had previously been a joyous but hectic time is now uncertain, and awkward. Questions such as “where do the children spend the holiday”, “should I invite my spouse to dinner”, and “what, if anything, should we tell the extended family” present new dilemmas. With extended family, it gets tricky, because you might have only told SOME relatives why you are separating – or you may have told your children and not your relatives, or told your relatives and not your children. The secrets and reactions to disclosure tend to keep people on edge.When straight spouses have not disclosed the reason for a separation or a divorce, extended family might take this opportunity to encourage you to “work things out”. Some may actually blame the straight spouse for not “trying hard enough”. Some may display open hostility toward the gay spouse in front of the children.

It’s helpful to figure out who you wish to disclose to before the holiday event. At the family gathering, you will know who is there to offer support for you should the situation turn awkward with those well meaning relatives who do not know the total reason for the separation or divorce, or those who have definite opinions about what should happen now.

Holiday celebrations should be planned with the children’s needs and experiences in mind. It’s inevitable during a post separation period that when there are family gatherings someone will be left out for the first time, or somehow things will feel different. Try to plan times during the holiday season for the children that include them spending time with both parents, whether together or separate. Above all, realize that this is a time to be flexible and work out new traditions for yourself and your family.

Within the Straight Spouse Network, there are opportunities to meet people who have found different solutions, and offer real suggestions for celebrating the holidays. For example, one straight woman had a court decision that split Christmas day in two. She was furious that she was unable to visit with extended family and take her children on that day. Her gay ex husband did very little to celebrate the holiday, but did make an effort. She started new traditions on Christmas Eve, which over time evolved into a very special time for her and her children. Christmas morning the children woke up at whichever home they preferred to go to that year, and by late morning were with their father. Visits with extended family were done on Thanksgiving or New Years on a flexible basis. Changing the focus to Christmas Eve was not always easy, as the family was involved with their church, and some years they had to accommodate two services with their dinner and Christmas traditions. Christmas day, the children got to spend time with their father, invent new traditions, and visit with their father’s friends who were supportive of them, but did not like their mother.

Flexibility is key to keeping the family functional. As time went on, her teenage son decided that no one could tell him how to spend his Christmas. He resolved the matter by volunteering at a local shelter with his friends from church on Christmas day. It sent a clear signal to mom and dad that time with his friends on Christmas day doing something that mattered to him was just as important as “whose turn it was” to have the kids spend the day with them.

The father actually pursued the matter in court, claiming the wife was encouraging rebellion, and playing tricks with the court appointed schedule. The judge ruled in favor of the 15 year old boy’s right to volunteer with his church group to spend Christmas day volunteering in the kitchen at the homeless shelter.

Holidays and family occasions are the times when we really examine the effect on us and our families of all the secrets we have lived, all the truths we have denied, and all the deceptions that have been practiced. These times are stressful, but they also offer us the grace to resolve issues of disclosure and continuing family traditions, or establishing new ones

By Cathy Wos

This summer I read two books that dealt with straight spouse plot lines. As time goes on and the situation of the straight spouse becomes more prominent, I think you will see an increase in exposure. For now, I will take what I can get.
 
The first book was The Beach House by Jane Green. The book tells the story of many different relationships against the backdrop of Nantucket. You won’t gain any incredible insight, but it is refreshing to see a mixed-orientation marriage as subject matter. Both characters are likeable and neither is cast as the “bad guy” in the relationship. However, I would have liked to see Bee’s character fleshed out more.
 
The second book was The Story of A Marriage by Andrew Sean Greer. The book  received many favorable reviews and Oprah picked it as one of her summer reads. In fact, Harpo has optioned it and it should be made into a movie soon. The book tells the story of a seemingly perfect marriage between Pearlie and Holland Cook, until the sudden appearance of a former boss and lover. The story is told poignantly from the point of view of Pearlie. I won’t go into much more, since there are many surprises I don’t want to
spoil. However, it is worth pointing out that Andrew Sean Greer is a gay man who eloquently portrays the pain and confusion of a straight spouse.