We’re famous! At least in Washington DC!

Many thanks to Carolyn Sega Lowengart for all her efforts on behalf of straight spouses, and for her appearance on the local ABC affiliate. Carolyn was interviewed for a followup to the local airing of Ted Haggard on Oprah.

You can see her appearance here.

Whenever the issue of having a gay spouse hits the news with a high profile scandal, Straight Spouse Network gets inquiries – on the website, on the phone. It’s so important that Straight Spouses know that they are not alone, and do not have to go through this experience alone.

Many thanks to Carolyn for the countless volunteer hours she puts in to help us get the word out, and the support she gives to others. Most importantly, many thanks to her for telling others to “trust your gut” and not be afraid to ask questions until you learn the total truth.

There are people in this organization who have literally saved lives – and she is one of them.

Thursday evening at 8:00 pm EST, HBO will premiere The Trials of Ted Haggard. This documentary by Alexandra Pelosi traces the two year trail of the Haggard family since Ted Haggard, formerly the pastor of one of the fastest growing evangelical congregations in the USA, president of the National Association of Evangelicals,  and outspoken opponent of gay rights, was very publicly outed by a gay male prostitute for having gay sex and using methamphetimines.  At present, Haggard is defrocked, does not have a pulpit, and sells life insurance in partnership with his wife Gayle.

The Haggards are also making the rounds of promotional appearances.  They have been written up in People Magazine, and are scheduled to appear on Oprah. Haggard’s former congregation, the New Life Church,  has released more details on the sex scandal that previously were kept private.

Yes, this is painful for us str8s to watch.  But for those of us who are far enough along in our own healing, it is worthwhile for us to tune in, and consider what will be shown of Gayle Haggard’s experience and perspective.

Like a minority of straight spouses, Gayle has chosen to remain married. Many of us know what a difficult choice this is, and how support for the straight spouse often is lacking for those who stay married.  It will be interesting to see how this is handled in the documentary – our hope is that this will not be another portrayal of a straight spouse who is stupid, dependent, or deluded, but an honest examination into the purpose, motivation, and experience behind Gayle’s own responses.

Ted Haggard has gone through some secular counseling, and we expect that there will be much focus on that.  It is important to understand the phenomenon of a man who can compartmentalize himself to lead such a completely double life as this one did – and what the aftermath is for him and his family.

Shortly after the scandal broke, Ted went through some reparative therapy and declared himself “cured” a bit too quickly to be believable by most people.   Many straight spouses have experienced further shattering of their lives through therapies designed to change a homosexual, repair homosexuality, etc.  In face to face support groups around the world, straight spouses often tell the tale of a homosexual spouse who developed aversion to contact, became seriously depressed, or developed a life that totally revolved around the “ex gay” ministry – to the exclusion of spouse and family, who were expected to partner in prayer.  With the total emphasis being on changing the orientation and not redirecting behavior toward choices that benefit the entire family, lives are often shattered further by these misguided attempts to change orientation.  For this reason the straight spouse network has taken a position opposing reparative therapies and ex gay ministries.

A major emphasis of the HBO film is on forgiveness and judgement – not only by family and church, but by the liberal individuals such as the film maker who pride themselves on tolerance.  Pelosi notes that the family has been subject to hostility from all sides, including secular organizations that normally are responsive toward gay people and their families.

As a support network for straight spouses, we offer support, listening, peer to peer interaction for straight husbands and wives in all sorts of marriages, from all sorts of backgrounds, who make all sorts of choices.  We are here for straight spouses in complete confidentiality wherever you are in your life, in your marriage, divorce, or what stage of grief, reconciliation, forgiveness, or just coping.  Our support comes in face to face groups, private one to one telephone conversations, or online resources.

Many of us won’t be able to watch this program – it is just too painful.  Clearly, many people will watch for the sensationalism and freak show trash TV content.  The straight spouses who can watch this program will be looking on support of one of the millions of others just like us, who have endured the incredible deception in marriage of a homosexual spouse leading a double life.

With the upcoming inauguration of Barack Obama as President of the United States, there is a lot of recent attention to this video which features incoming press secretary Robert Gibbs answering a question about overturning the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy with a simple answer.

Yes.

Sure sounds like Yes we can. And now it is more likely Yes we will.

Fox News calls this a possible re-igniting of the culture wars.  Gay rights groups justifiably proclaim relief for GLBT members in the service from having to remain closeted in order to honorably serve their country.

Whether we like the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell or not, one thing is certainly clear.  No one is talking about what will happen to the straight husbands and wives of gay military members who out themselves or who are outed by others.  So let’s talk about that here.

If all the media attention is going to be on culture wars – homophobia, military benefits to gay partners, gay rights – then the straight spouses will still be caught in the crossfire of that culture war, and likely no one will want to even notice. All of us know that the healing from discovery or disclosure can take years.

Are family services within all branches of the military currently equipped to deal with the counseling and adjustments that will be necessary for spouses and children?  Are on and off base military communities ready to support and accept the straight spouses and children, keep the children free from harassment, continue social relationships with the straight spouse where appropriate?  Is the expectation that the family crisis will be handled just like any other family crisis of a divorced member of the armed forces?  What about the minority of us who do not divorce, remaining openly married to someone who is openly gay?  It doesn’t happen a lot, but it does happen – and often for some good reasons.

In many respects, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is a huge relief for us and our families.  We don’t have to hide anymore in someone else’s closet.  And if in anger or despair we force our gay spouse out of the closet, we no longer have to worry about losing the generous benefits that a career in the military awards families of those who serve.  It frees us from the fear, and from the lies that we live because of the fear.

The repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell will mean major changes for some military families – changes in their relationships, marriages, lifestyles, networks, and support systems.  And for that reason, the Straight Spouse Network is here to help.  We are the preeminent support group for heterosexual men and women who are the current or former spouses or significant others of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered people.  We have resources available for counselors, and face to face and online support groups internationally.  One of the most important things we do is affirm the experiences of one another – and accept the various solutions, decisions, and approaches each of us makes on the journey toward healing.

We are here to help any straight spouse of a gay member of the military.  We are here to help and advise the counselors on base and off who serve them.  We are here to help clergy in military communities cope with the complicated questions and issues that mixed orientation marriages have.

Some of us are veterans of more than just the culture wars.

We have sometimes been referred to in writings of the gay community as “collateral damage” – meaning that we’re the innocent bystanders who got hurt as a result of the culture wars.  We are so much more than that.  We are family.

We are here to help any straight spouse, any family and any institution that is affected by discoveries or disclosures of previously closeted military members.  We are here to help you cope, go forward, gain strength, and survive this painful journey.  We can do that with you. We can support you through it.

Yes we can.  Yes we will.

If you’re an Ebayer, you can help SSN. 

 If you sell your things online, or have an online sales business on Ebay, you can designate a portion of each sale to go to SSN.  How can you do this?  It’s easy. 

 If you would like to donate a portion of each sale you make on Ebay to the Straight Spouse Network, sign up for Ebay Givingworks and follow the instructions.  You will find SSN in the search menu when you elect to give a portion of your sale to charity. 

 If enough Ebayers get together to support SSN, we might be able to launch a Spotlight on a Cause page.  This not only generates support for SSN, but increases our visibility, and lets people know we are out there to support straight spouses.  How would that be – letting people know they are not alone! 

 When you buy stuff on Ebay, look for the icon that shows a non profit listing.  Then look to see if it is the Straight Spouse Network. 

 We’ll be happy to give a boost to those Ebay sellers who designate the Straight Spouse Network as a recipient for their donations.  Let us know by commenting here, and link to your auction.  Please, only list auctions that directly designate the Straight Spouse Network as the recipient of your donation.   

Many straight spouses struggle with separating from the marital relationship once discovery or disclosure has been made. They may decide to stay in the marriage for some very good reasons – children, finances, or feelings for their spouse – but find that disclosure and coming out may mean that they now are living in the land of TMI.  Too Much Information about their gay husband or lesbian wife, and their involvement in homosexual relationships.

Most of us divorce, but many remain connected after divorce because of family or children. There can be a sense of relief among gay spouses and family – phew, we don’t have to hide this anymore. And suddenly the straight spouse knows more than they need to or want to. Their knowledge then becomes a part of their life – a part that has nothing to do with them.

Heterosexual spouses of gays and lesbians find that they need to practice “distancing” just as straight couples who have separated do. This can be very difficult if you are still living in the same house, due to the need to remain legally married or conceal homosexual orientation.

The following is a classic among those who have found support in various Straight Spouse Network settings. The author is unknown, and we credit the Str8s list with posting it repeatedly:

DISTANCING - 10 Steps Toward Distancing

Distancing is especially important in an emotional relationship gone wrong.
1) Stop asking new personal things of your partner about him/herself. 2) Don’t give out personal things about yourself to them.
3) Don’t bend over backward to celebrate any occasions that involve them.
4) Don’t bend over backward to help them more than is necessary.
5) Don’t help them if they or someone else can.
6) Avoid discussions that involve their lives, re: old topics.
7) Start to develop new activities that don’t involve them.
8)Try to make new friends, acquaintances, anything.
9) Make small changes in your life: rearrange furniture, change decorations,try new soaps, ride your bike in a different route, eat at a different restaurant, eat different foods, cook them a different way, shop at different stores, rearrange the landscaping, change some of your habits,change the style of clothing you wear, etc.
10) If they ask favors of you, tell them you want time to think about it.

It’s not uncommon in the course of a mixed orientation marriage for an individual with a same sex attraction to deny being gay.  Gay means swishy.  Gay means women with butch haircuts and mannish clothing.  Gay means attitude.  Gay means being “in the life”. 

 So honey, I’m only a little bit gay and you should put up with it or make me stop.  Or you should understand and get educated about just what gay means since you obviously don’t know anything.  Or, I wasn’t interested in the same sex until I met this wonderful person who makes me feel wonderful -  something I never got from you!!! And guess what?  Just because I look at erotic pictures of the same gender as me, just because I have sex with men doesn’t mean I am gay.” 

 The fact is that human sexuality is a varied and subtle spectrum.  Some people certainly do not fit the “labels”.  But when it comes to a relationship going forward, all the straight spouse’s understanding of all the dynamics of same sex attraction will not matter one bit unless the straight person’s needs, perceptions, feelings and desires are given equal time and attention.  

 Honey you KNOW I have sex with my lesbian lover.  So why are you so upset to see she  left her stuff here, or you passed her car on the way home?  Why are you so angry when she calls during our dinner, our family time, our vacation time, and whats the problem with me talking to her.  After all, I go into another room, away from you.  It’s not like you don’t know!  At least I’m honest about it! 

 Imagine a heterosexual wife telling her heterosexual husband these things about her need for the other man.  Imagine a heterosexual man telling his heterosexual wife these things about his need for a mistress.  For the straight spouse, the experience is similar – but also very different.  Because the same sex aspect of the extramarital relationship makes others uncomfortable, the straight spouse or partner cannot express their anger, their frustration, their disgust.  If they set limits, they are sometimes accused of being abusive, intolerant, homophobic, crazy.  If their husband or wife is completely denying any homosexual activity to the rest of the world, they must endure well meaning people “explaining” to them what is “really” going on. 

 Despite the daunting challenge, there are couples who remain in mixed orientation marriages.  This requires a great deal of communication and mutual respect.  Most couples separate, many remain on friendly terms, others do not.  How the straight partner is treated, respected, acknowledged within the relationship and within therapy has great impact on the future of any ongoing relationship. 

 The Straight Spouse Network has a small library of articles for therapists, marriage counselors, and individuals seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed orientation marriages.  If you would like to know more about these resources, please contact us.  We are the pre eminent support source for straight spouses in all sorts of relationships.  Perhaps the most valuable thing about what we offer to heterosexual husbands and wives in mixed orientation marriages is affirmation and a safe place to discuss what is happening to them in their life. 

Happy New Year!

As 2009 starts, many of us are facing difficult circumstances – not only in our relationships, but in other parts of our lives as well.  Job loss, health issues, money troubles are all made worse by the recession we are experiencing right now. In any economy, being a straight spouse is not an easy task, and many families are facing additional pressures now.

It’s important in this new year to take time for ourselves – to realize what is important to us, and about us – and recognize that our needs, perceptions, feelings and experiences are just as important as those of the people around us.

If you are making New Years resolutions, make the ones that you personally can keep and which benefit you. Losing weight is great, if you are doing it for your own reasons, not to be more attractive to someone else. Make small changes to suit yourself,do some things that you enjoy and have been unable to do because spouse or family aren’t interested. Develop new activities that benefit you with health, friends, exercise, recognition, enjoyment, or skills. Let go of the responsibility for another person’s choices, and the burden this causes. Remember the popular saying, “To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future”

To paraphrase our newly elected president, Barack Obama: Yes. You can.

Happy New Year! Celebrate you!