The experiences of women married to closeted gay men are finally coming to light more and more.  On television, in books, on the internet, the subject of “how come she didn’t know”, “how can you tell”, and “marriage to a down low man” are no longer taboo.  What never seems to be discussed in the general media is the blame game that wives of closeted gay husbands endure.

Many have been told by their gay husbands that problems in the sex life are because they got fat, had children, have physical problems, aren’t adventurous enough, are boring, are frigid, or just plain uptight.  For many women, recovering from marriage to a closeted homosexual husband means healing their own injured sexuality.

Some recent books offer fresh perspective on these experiences.  The Other Side of the Closet by Amity Buxton is of course, a classic – but since Amity first published this book, others have also come forward to tell their stories.  A few recent ones are listed below:

You’re What?! Survival Strategies for Straight Spouses by Heather Cram

When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual by Carol Grever

On the Up and Up: A Survival Guide for Women Living with Men on the Down Low by Brenda Stone Browder (page 79-80 talks about Brenda being put in positions that made her uncomfortable, and belittling her objections or observations)

When the promotions for Oprah this week showed that she was interviewing a lesbian, many straight spouses probably said “what again”?  Programs about sexuality are nothing new for Oprah.  Her program this week “Living without Labels” featured a woman who had been married, had daughters, and had a late in life realization that she is gay.  In fact, her daughters told her she was a lesbian, noting how she looked at women. Several other women and a sex therapist were interviewed. The article in O, The Oprah Magazine “She’s So Fine” was a point of reference for the discussion.

What was unusual about this program was that the daughters gave an extended interview about what the effect was on them and the family.  Now grown women, they appear to still be very emotional when talking about it.  They spoke of their anger when their mom finally came out, and of their anguish over the divorce.  They spoke of the pain in the entire family.  But they came to see that their mom was happier.

It was a good, informative program.  Many of the women featured on the show said things that are all too familiar to straight husbands who come to the Straight Spouse Network for support.  “I’m not a lesbian, I fell in love with the person”.  The only husband of a lesbian featured on Oprah within recent memory has himself been gay.  The absence of the straight husband’s perspective on any of the programs about fluid sexuality and married people is quite noticeable, as is the lack of mentioning the Straight Spouse Network as a resource of support for families, including straight husbands.

Oprah appeared surprised that not everyone who has a sexual attraction to the same sex “always knew they were gay”.  Perhaps if she spoke to the men and women who are part of the Straight Spouse Network, she would be surprised to learn that few of us are surprised by anything that was on the program.

For some men, it may come as a surprise that it still hurts to hear the same things that were said over and over in their marriages now touted as a celebrated aspect of female sexuality.

Life events have a funny way of bringing back the initial feelings of disclosure or discovery for the straight spouse.

We think we’ve sorted it all out, and then we are invited to a family baptism, wedding, graduation. Or our children graduate, or get married. Or our children are invited to participate in an extended family gathering – and sometimes we are invited, sometimes not. Special occasions often pose special dilemmas for straight spouses.

Going forward after any separation or divorce can mean stepping through minefields of family disasters just waiting to happen. With us, the questions of the closet often come into play. Who is your gay ex out to, and who doesn’t know, and why? How has the extended family reacted to your divorce? Do they blame you for your ex spouse’s actions or choices? Do they simply not believe that the ex is gay? How has the whole coming out process been handled?

Sometimes there are those occasions where you will be present for the children, along with the gay ex and possibly a new partner. Following the wishes of your children seems to be the best recourse for these, along with keeping a healthy, but polite, distance from your ex. Pose for the pictures, but sit with those companions you feel most comfortable with. If there’s drama, try your best to be a spectator, not a participant. That can be difficult if your ex is abusive, and still manipulates people and situations to cause you public anguish for their own entertainment. But if you are generally cordial, remain so – and remember that a healthy distance protects you from receiving “too much information”, minimizes any conflict, and helps to focus the occasion on your children.

In some areas, the Straight Spouse Network has face to face (F2F) meetings set up on a regular basis. These can be just two individuals meeting for coffee, or an entire group meeting in a private home or public meeting area (such as a church or community center). What happens at our face to face meetings?

First of all, our meeting are private and confidential. Facilitators explain at the beginning that what is said in the room, stays in the room.

Next, people share their diverse experiences of being a straight spouse. Some have just found out, some are still angry after all these years, some are still married. Some have questions about children, coming out, moving on, starting over. We share – and we listen. Most important – WE GET IT.

In areas where face to face meetings are not set up, it is still possible to speak or email someone directly. Some people prefer to speak one on one with a peer who has a similiar experience. Contact the Straight Spouse Networkfor more information on how you can receive direct and personal peer support that is helpful for you.

Ever have the feeling that your therapist just doesn’t get it?  For many straight spouses, that’s a common issue. In both private and couples therapy, straight spouses often feel like their stages of grief and resolution are denied or misunderstood – and being in a position of doubting their own perceptions, they need the affirmation from a good therapist that their feelings and observations are valid.

Therapy for mixed orientation couples and for straight spouses is an emerging specialty.  It’s important when looking for a therapist to find one who is tuned into your issues, not a preconceived idea of whether or not your marriage should continue or end.

If you think your therapist is not a good fit,  ask them if they have read The Other Side of the Closet by Amity Buxton, or if they are familiar with the emotional stages she has described of anger, grief, and recovery.  A good therapist for a straight spouse understands the need for confirmation, affirmation, and reality checking – and is skilled at dealing with the profound grief and anger we experience as we move forward on this journey.

We’re just cookin’ up a storm here at the Straight Spouse Network.

Good home cookin, Str8 From The Kitchen.

In fact, that’s the title of the cook book we are publishing. With over 200 mouth watering recipes, you never need to buy another cook book. This one has got it all.

If you’ve ever attended a Straight Spouse Network gathering, you know that there are some awesome cooks among us – and a serious love of good food.  Somehow, cooking for friends, good times, sharing recipes is a soul satisfying event.

And mighty tasty, too.

But this isn’t an ordinary cookbook, it’s unique to us, and the recipes in our families.   So that’s why you will find a recipe for Spotted Dick, and directions in a chili recipe to let it simmer while you catch up on reading the str8s list. You’ll also learn why the best fruit cake ever appears in the beverage section.

If you ever wondered what to do with chocolate, you will certainly find out here. LOTS of chocolate. Because as far as we’re concerned, chocolate is a food group.

This is a great cook book to have for yourself, and to give to your friends and family. We are accepting orders now. The cost is only $15, including shipping. You can place your order by donating here, and in the comments tell us that you are ordering the cookbook and where you would like it sent.

Go ahead, buy the cook book. Taste the good times we’re making.. Just in time for Easter and Mother’s Day!