NBC News recently reported that the accused “Craigslist Killer” Phillip Markoff was looking for men as well as women online. He seems to have answered an ad on Craigslist in the “Male for T” (male for transsexual) category. Markoff’s fiance, Megan McAllister, released a statement that Markoff is innocent until proven guilty, and and the person portrayed in the media is not the person she knows. This has unleashed a storm of commentary in the blogosphere that she is deluded, ignorant, shouldn’t talk to the media, wants to marry a doctor no matter what.

All straight spouses know the pain that a heterosexual fiance of a closeted homesexual or transsexual feels when discovery or disclosure occurs. Shock, disbelief, a denial that any of it will matter, are all common reactions and are familiar to us. Unfortunately so is the derision that is now greeting McAllister’s statement that her fiance was set up.

Megan will need time to undergo the process of dealing with this shock – the trial will likely give her time for this. And depending on the outcome of the trial, she will have some decisions to make not only about the wedding, but about her own life. Denial, anger, depression, self doubt are all a part of this painful journey – but we get through it and we survive.

The Straight Spouse Network is not just support for spouses – we offer support for the fiances and unmarried heterosexual partners of closeted LGBT people. All support is confidential – no leaks to the media, no gossip behind someone’s back.

One of the unfortunate ways that we discover our spouses are “hiding something” from us is to find the trails they leave behind them on the internet. Some of us actually meet the people they are meeting, without knowing what is going on. Hooking up for anonymous sex is dangerous, whether it is on the internet or in a public restroom. And sometimes, closeted husbands do not have a whole lot of sense about the type of person they are meeting ,  or exposing their wives and family’s information to. People who lead a double life convince themselves that they’ve got it under control – and that is why they can be so convincing of others, and have such blatant disregard for the health and safety of spouses, fiances, and sometimes their own children.

No one should judge Megan for standing up for her fiance, for believing the best about him. It’s very difficult for a young woman to learn that her fiance wants to have sex with men; it’s very difficult to learn that her fiance is accused of murder. For Megan, it is a double whammy – and she deserves respect for her faithfulness and time to cope with what reality will unfold. We hope that those who love her will join with us and encourage her to take care of herself.

Spring brings a number of holidays and family occasions – and these can be conflicted for couples who are in the process of separating. For some couples, the absence of a formal separation agreement regarding custody of children and holidays means that they are being cooperative and friendly – and for some couples this is true. But for others, it is fuel to a confusing process.

Easter brought with it traditions that for many families are no longer the same. For example, attending the church Easter egg hunt when one spouse no longer attends, or the town Easter party happens on the non custodial parents weekend. Or one side of the family has a traditional gathering at one grandma’s house – and when the parent who is now the former in law is not welcome or is grudgingly welcomed, the conflict can ruin the holiday for children.

May and June bring on family celebrations, and painful reminders that at graduations, weddings, sports banquets, etc the whole family is somewhat fragmented or strained. Then there’s Mothers day and Fathers day. Most custodial agreements specify that children are with their mother on Mothers Day and their Father on Fathers day. Even something that seems an obvious no brainer can be conflicted if the family tradition has “always” been to be with a particular grandparent – and now the mother or father is seen as breaking up a family celebration in order to create their own new traditions with their children.

Then there are the family celebrations and events that appear to be deliberately crafted to cut out the other parent. For example, one parent puts together a lavish birthday party for the child, without consulting the other parent, or schedules it for a time when the other parent is supposed to have the weekend. If the other parent objects, they appear to be the ogre who is taking away a lavish gift – although the gift is not offered at any other time to accomodate the child’s entire family experience. One of the more famous examples of this occurred during the McGreevey divorce in NJ.

Or, one parent or their extended family will arrange for a lavish celebration, trip, or reward event at a time which causes the other parent loss and grief – could be on the other parent’s birthday, on a grandparent’s birthday, during a grandparents last days, or on the birthday or special event in the life of an “uncooperative” sibling. This again makes one parent seem to be bitter, vicious, demanding – especially when the news of it is brought home by the child, and no adult has ever reached out to discuss the details. When these disruptions happen repeatedly, it can feel as though one parent is being denied the opportunity to celebrate and build a family unit.

These situations are not confined to mixed orientation marriage breakups by any means. When they do occur with mixed orientation couples, the straight spouse can feel not only a sense of double loss as described, but also a sense of being deliberately erased. You were part of the childs conception and birth, but who needs you, your birthday is unimportant. Events in your side of the family are unimportant because you’re not “supportive” enough of the gay experience. Even mothers day or fathers day don’t belong to you, because someone else has decided that its not an important day for you, and their supporters want to show tolerance for diverse family situations. Or, the family continues to wish to live in the closet – and the straight spouse who lives the truth is a painful reminder that the double life is actually true, so the straight spouse is excluded or ignored, and their influence on the children is actively minimized, even if they are the primary custodian.

Holidays and special occasions are meant to be times to celebrate the families we have – not necessarily the families we want to have. Honoring mothers, fathers, and special events in the lives of children are part of the continuation of family, long after the ink is dry on the separation agreement.

AP Photo/Eric Jamison

…but the recent flap over Miss California’s response to Perez Hilton’s question about gay marriage at the Miss USA pageant shows something about the contentious dialogue America is having on this question.

Perez Hilton, one of the judges, asked Miss California Carrie Prejean if other states should follow the example of Vermont in recognizing gay marriage. Prejean’s response was confusing, to say the least.

She said that everyone was entitled to choose one or the other, but in her country, in her family, she felt that marriage should be between a man and a woman.

It’s certainly not confusing to say that you believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman. Miss California’s position on that is clear. But since when is California in a different country from Vermont? And if people have a right to choose, what was Prop 8 about?

It’s not a question where an honest answer is going to please everyone.

Perez Hilton then went and posted a video rant on his blog. Rather dramatic, angry, and ugly. He later apologized for calling Prejean a “dumb bitch”. But the damage is done – there is now speculation that Prejean lost the title of Miss USA because her position displeased the judges.

The question now is – did Prejean lose the title because she gave a politically incorrect answer, or because she gave a confusing one? Or were there other factors?

More important for straight spouses and mixed orientation families – will the discussion of gay marriage become so poisonous and polarizing (even more than it already has) that our children will be further marginalized, pressured, and harrassed for having a gay parent?

There’s a storm brewing, and the Stepford folks are bringing us the weather report.

Recently in response to current developments in courts and legislatures across the USA, The National Organization for Marriage posted a video, warning of a scary, dark cloud storm – mainly the gist of it is that if gay marriage becomes law, their lives will be affected. You can see the video here.

According to the New York Times columnist Frank Rich, this “national” organization is only a few wealthy individuals who have the ability – and the choice – to spend a reported 1.5 million dollars on this ridiculous propaganda, even in this economy when so many families are hungry and homeless. The objective of the propaganda appears to be convincing mainstream Americans that gay marriage somehow threatens all marriages. Well, if you want your life disrupted, try being straight and waking up to discover your spouse is gay – leaves you for a same sex relationship – and then your family cannot move forward as other step families do after divorce because in addition to the gay couple not being permitted to marry, you are your children are shunned, bullied and silenced for building a relationship with the gay parent and gay step parent .

There has been a flood of responses, in comments on the video, on blogs, and on comedy shows, such as The Colbert Report. Here’s a straight spouse response to the plaintive whining:

1. “The clouds are dark and the winds are strong, and I am afraid.”

You’re afraid??? What about us??? The clouds of this type of storm usually are dark (brown) and the winds that affect the families of mixed orientation marriages and divorces are tough enough storms to weather without yet another well funded initiative to marginalize and exclude our families.

2. They want to bring the issue into my life. My freedom will be taken away.

When a homosexual marries one of us heterosexuals in the attempt to live a “normal” family life, the issue IS our lives – and often the freedom of straight spouses to seek support for staying married or separating, depending on what is best for them and their family. And since gay people are already a part of many families, it IS already a part of your life, not just a fringe segment of the population you can dismiss and cast aside.

3. I’m a doctor who must choose between my faith and my job.

Hmmm. Does this mean that gay people should not have access to reproductive health services, confidential testing for STDs, and the right to make health care decisions for a partner? Or does it mean that its ok to just keep on pretending that they’re straight, and continue to expose unwitting straight spouses to sexually transmitted diseases because the marriage is not monogamous? What part of the Hippocratic oath do you not understand? Or is that the Hypocritic Oath?

4. The church group “punished by the government” was leasing a public accomodation. This comment on the video insinuates that churches will somehow be forced to perform same sex marriages. This is false.  All it means is that religious organizations that rent halls, social spaces, or property to outside groups will need to be specific in their contracts and speak to their lawyers about not practicing discrimination in public accomodations.

5. I’m a Massachussetts parent, “helplessly watching” as public schools teach my son that gay marriage is ok.

If you are helplessly watching your son get a public education, you are a very weak parent. Real parents get involved in education. Sometimes this means private school or home school. Or are you afraid that gay and lesbian homeschool parents might actually have something to teach you? Oh, that’s right, you’re helpless. What a burden for your children.

The rest of the video proports that advocates for same sex marriage are not content for same sex couples to be “living as they wish”. Well, there’s a reason for that. Same sex couples who wish to marry are NOT living as they wish. They are living as YOU wish. And apparently, if they DO live as they wish, you believe it will change the way straight people live, and normal heterosexuals will have “no choice”.

Did someone say “no choice”? Welcome to our world.

If same sex couples can marry, perhaps some will have less reason  to marry a straight person, and live a lie.  If you think you will have “no choice” if gay people can honestly marry, we’d like to welcome you to the world we inhabit today – where many of us straight spouses find ourselves coping with divorce, or maintaining closeted secrets in a world where it is still not safe for our current or former spouses to be gay, or for our children to have a gay parent.  And we have absolutely no choice in the matter!!!

NOM claims to be a “rainbow” group of people from every creed and color “coming together in love”.   Where is the love, when you exclude the experiences of millions of straight husbands and wives of closeted gay people, and our children?  We invite you to taste the real rainbow, and show our families some love – and tolerance for our honesty.

Other videos from this organization feature “confused children” sorting out stories such as “Anna and Eve”.  Here’s how your children can become unconfused: why don’t you let them play with OUR children of mixed orientation marriages who have adapted to having a gay parent and gay step parent, and a straight parent and straight step parent. Our kids are remarkable at being able to cut through the confusion of many adults, and of most children – except of course when they are being bullied or shunned.  Oh, wait, that’s right, you can’t let your children play with our children. Something about loving the sinner and hating the sin.

The only storm we’re aware of is the smelly one released by NOM, which seems to have fanned back in their general direction. Straight spouses and our families refuse to drown in the foul waters of the storm of misinformation, lies, and intolerance. Perhaps the wealthy individuals who comprise NOM would prefer that we not live among them, working out our family issues, building bridges, and showing love and tolerance for all our family members, gay and straight.

Gay marriage is making news across the USA again, as laws are changed in various states, and new initiatives are occurring. This week, the news about gay marriage came from New York and Iowa. Governor David Patterson announced his support for making gay marriage legal in New York State. Last week, the Iowa supreme court ruled in favor of allowing marriage for same sex couples. Also, in Vermont, the legislature overrode the governor’s veto of a bill allowing gay marriage. Currently six states, (New Jersey, Maryland, Minnesota, Illinois, New York and Washington) have same sex marriage bills on their legislative calendar this year.

The Straight Spouse Network supports the legal right of any adult to form a marital union, including a same sex marriage. We oppose constitutional amendments that codify marriage as legal only if it is between a man and a woman.  This is because we have first hand witnessed the harmful effects on some of us and our families when our gay ex spouses wish to go forward in same sex marital unions, but are denied the opportunity by law.

Not all straight spouses who receive our support agree with this position – and that’s ok, because we are here to support all straight spouses. But as an organization, we support the legalization of same sex marriages. Perhaps if gay people are allowed to marry each other, some of them will not attempt to fit the mold of a heterosexual marriage and marry a straight person instead.

The Straight Spouse Network was recently spotlighted on the Logo channel, and now appears on 365 Gay Video. This specific piece, narrated by Chagmion Antoine concerns mixed orientation couples, and the Straight Spouse Network’s Executive Director, Kathy Callori, was featured.

The piece highlighted a mixed orientation couple who have continued their marriage over a period of many years, and also mentioned that the Straight Spouse Network provides support for many straight spouses, including the former wife of NJ governor James McGreevey.  Obviously, the McGreeveys are no longer married.

This brings up a good opportunity to show that we are there to support all straight spouses, no matter what their reaction, or situation.  Most mixed orientation marriages end in divorce, but some continue with deep and abiding mutual love.  While they are the exception, they do happen, and straight spouses need support.

Mixed orientation marriages that end in divorce are not all acrimonius.  Some couples manage to remain good friends, and part of one another’s families.  But there are also those marriages that do not have the “love in the best way they can” aspect that long term mixed orientation marriages do, and cannot be expected to continue just because it is possible for some couples, or because divorce is taboo.

Caution:  Rough road ahead.

Ted and Gayle Haggard made news again last week- this time they were interviewed on the daytime show “Divorce Court” by Cleveland Heights judge Lynn Toler.  It’s an interview worth watching for any straight spouse, no matter how you feel about the Haggards.  Divorce Court has featured mixed orientation marriages in the past, and will have another one on this week.

Judge Toler does her best to not let Ted Haggard slip around some very tough questions.  She does not let him for one minute minimize the effect of his actions on his wife and family.  And she flat out states that if Haggard were to ever resume ministry, she certainly would not be trusting her children to him.

She’s also not easy on Gayle Haggard, asking how she couldn’t have known something was wrong – and if Gayle had problems with being intimate with Ted after the disclosure.  Gayle’s answer is “I had to process through this and not lose what we have”.  Well, many of us certainly understand that feeling, particularly those straight spouses who are reluctant to divorce.

What’s particularly familiar to many straight spouses is that Ted says he wasn’t “born gay” – he became homosexual as a result of sexual abuse as a teen.  This appears to be important with him.  Many of us find evidence of same sex activity with our spouses, hear the same denials of homosexuality, or the assertion that it’s just about one particular person.

What’s also familiar to straight spouses is Gayle’s discussion of the “process”.  Many of us who have been in long term marriages only to discover similiarly spectacular infidelity look for ways to maintain the relationship while moving forward, healing our own severely damaged sense of trust. Ted was the pastor of the largest Christian congregation in the USA, and had repeated sex with a male prostitute, took methamphetemines, and a church member alleges to have been propositioned by Ted.  She says she needed to understand what was going on with him.  Many of us have also felt the same way.

It’s difficult for the general public to understand the spouses need to understand what the gay spouse is experiencing – but for many of us, that’s part of the process of making sense of the whole experience, unless we immediately decide that our marriages have been based on a lie and distance ourselves from it.  It’s also tempting to want to tell the story of being “forgiven and fixed” – the reason is always “to help others” but for many people the reason is also to affirm what they need to believe right now.

Once the truth comes out, staying married to a prominent closeted homosexual who has so many remaining issues is a long long road full of many choices, turns, and barriers.  There is no quick path to healing and forgiveness – it is something that we work through for years as we develop our healthy selves and make choices about our lives.  Gayle Haggard is really just starting down that path – and she deserves not only the honest questions, but the respect and support that all straight spouses deserve.

It’s a long, hard road – and there is no express lane.

At our Straight Spouse Network face to face meetings, on confidential telephone conversations, or in our private online chats, straight spouses come together to give one another support, and learn from each other’s experiences.  We “network” – and that is why we are called “The Straight Spouse Network”.

We are a very diverse group – male and female, young and old, married and divorced, from all different cultures and races around the world.  The beauty of our network is that within a few days, someone new to the experience of discovering that their husband or wife has a same sex attraction can connect with someone else who knows just what you are talking about.

What you WON’T hear at a Straight Spouse Network meeting is “How could you not have known?” or “Are you sure”? or “well OF COURSE you will divorce – or hang in there and stay married – or tell your children – or NOT tell your children….”  We won’t tell you how to fix your spouse or your marriage.  We WILL ask you “What do YOU want?  What do YOU need?”

We don’t tell you what to do.  We listen.  We share our experiences.  And we learn from each other how to resolve our family issues, heal, and move forward.  There is no one answer, and there is no easy solution.  But we are here to help one another.

Real support.  Not just lip service.  Real support.  At an unreal time in our lives – like no other.

Miracles do happen.

Several years ago, a group of straight spouses had been meeting face to face and on line, and got together for food, fun, and fellowship at a home in Massachussetts. They shared stories, a few laughs, and a few recipes. And an idea came about – why not a Straight Spouse Network cookbook, to save these great recipes and share some good things.

After quite a bit more collaboration, involving straight spouses from around the world, that cookbook is a reality – and selling very well. Str8 From the Kitchen is a compilation of over 200 recipes, and some are quite unusual. If you are looking for a good cookbook with recipes for feeding a crowd, hearty soups and stews, tangy salads and appetizers, and of course, decadent desserts, then this is the cookbook for you.

You can also just feel the good times coming from this book, and the wonderful experiences and friendships that have been shared.

You’ll find out how to make enchiladas, albondigas, and ban bao. Make your own granola, wassail, salsa, and saffron sauce. Ever wonder what to do with salmon? Find recipes here.

Learn why fruitcake is a beverage among some straight spouses!

To order, go to our website and click on the “Donate Online” Button at the top left hand corner. Enter your name and address, and the notation that the donation is for the cookbook. The cost inside the USA is $15, including shipping. For international orders, please contact us for shipping rates.