We want to thank David Perry and Comcast Hometown Channel for the wonderful interview he did with Amity Buxton which appeared recently on the program “10 percent”. They discuss gay marriage, and the straight spouse experience.  Amity recounts her moving experience of her first marriage, and the state of closeted denial which her husband maintained.  This led to the founding of the Straight Spouse Network, because there was no support at the time for straight spouses.  It’s an interesting interview, and will give you some perspective on where we come from.

Since those early days, the Straight Spouse Network has developed internationally, while still functioning on a shoestring.  We reach diverse groups of people, with different experiences and solutions for coping, healing, and moving forward.  We use networking and building bridges to reach straight spouses, and offering peer support where none existed before

We’ve said it before – we’ll say it again – we are so grateful to Amity for telling our story, even in those days when there seemed to be no one willing to listen.

It’s a compelling interview.  You should watch it!

We want to send an appreciative note with some real cyber roses to  Marie Osmond. Her recent interview concerning her lesbian daughter touched a lot of hearts here at the Straight Spouse Network. Some of us who have gay and lesbian spouses also find we have a gay or lesbian child.  Marie’s response that she loves her daughter and is true to her Mormon faith struck some resonance with many of the people in our network.

The experience of having a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered spouse or other family member crosses cultures, countries, religions, languages, and all social boundaries.  When this experience happens to a famous family known for conservative values, the typical mainstream media reaction invites an “ah ha!  gotcha!” response from the general public.  Witness the media reaction to Senator Larry Craig’s adult children and their awkward but sincere defense of him, in which followup stories reported on their divorces and failures. Some years back, there was the celebrated feud over gay rights between Candace Gingrich and her brother Newt, the Speaker of the House of Representatives at the time. Our guess is that the Gingriches are not the only brother and sister to ever fight publicly!

There was the outing of Eagle Forum Founder Phyllis Schlafly’s son in 1992 by a now defunct gay activist publication, and the ensuing outcry. Later, Vice President Dick Cheney just continued to publicly accept and love his daughter Mary, who became a mother with her lesbian partner in 2007.

News flash, world.  Gay people happen.  Everywhere.

The fact is that gay people happen in all families.  Perhaps if their families were all as accepting as the Osmonds, Cheneys, and Mrs. Schlafly show to the cynics, there would be more gay and lesbians living honest lives and fewer straight spouses coping with deceit, shame, doubt, and despair.  Families are all different, with unique relationships and strategies for communicating and coping.  The judgement of a harsh world on individual family values and beliefs does not help any of us.

Marie’s words have also indirectly provided encouragement for some straight spouses who are Mormon, and who struggle to reconcile what has happened to their families with the continued profession of their faith.

We like real people too, Marie.  All the people mentioned above are real.  Thank you for reminding a polarized, cynical and sometimes sneering world of just how real we all are. So, no paper roses for you, because as you say, those are imitation – you get the real cyber roses from us for the sweetness in your heart!

The Straight Spouse Network sends a big shout out of thanks to entertainer Carmel Quinn and the Knights of Columbus #8982, in residence at St. John’s, Leonia, NJ.   Carmel’s show is a unique program of music and wit. She’s a singer, comedienne, and storyteller who regales her fortunate audiences with songs, stories, and very funny jokes. Her concerts are always enjoyable, and very popular.

Carmel’s May 17 2009 concert raised money for various Knights of Columbus supported charities, including St. John’s Church and School and the Elks Camp Moore. The Straight Spouse Network was not among the advertised charities, but we received a portion of the proceeds from this very entertaining afternoon performance.

The Straight Spouse Network is very appreciative of this donation, and of support from the community. Many thanks to Carmel & Knights of Columbus #8982 for helping us continue to support straight spouses.

And many thanks for a good time, too!

Many times family and friends don’t know what to say to the straight spouse when the gay husband or wife either discloses their true sexuality or is discovered and denies the obvious.  In the former situation, family and friends of the couple might not want to appear “hateful” toward LGBT people, or they might share profound anger and have no problem expressing it. In the latter situation, they may not want to accept the truth, and aid in the denial.

Very often, people mean to help – but say the wrong thing or are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they back off, leaving the straight spouse feeling further isolated.  So, we’ve compiled this handy dandy list of what to say – and what NOT to say:

Lets start with the negative, because it is the most familiar to many straight spouses.  Here’s what NOT to say:

1.  Oh, we all knew (or suspected).  What, you didn’t know?  How could you miss this? Oh come on.  You had to know.
2.  Are you sure?  How do you know?  When did you find out?
3.  You’ve been married this long – think of the children.  Can’t you just live together like brother and sister?
4.  I know just the (counselor, clergy, doctor, best divorce lawyer in the state) who can fix this. You just leave it to me.
5.  (for straight women mostly) Ya want me to kill him?
6.  (for straight men only) – Hey you’re a lucky guy, that is SO hot.
7.  You’re not SERIOUSLY letting the children stay with him/her, are you?
8.   Just get over it. Stop wallowing.
9.   Well HE says he’s not gay, and he ought to know, so you’re just making this up to get a divorce.
10.  EVERYBODY falls somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale.  Someone who SAYS they are totally straight like you say you are is… well… unusual. (usually accompanied by a wise wink and all knowing nod from a poorly trained counseling professional.)

The above reinforce isolation, fear, guilt, shame, doubt, dependency, co-dependency.

Here is what to say in support of the straight spouse:
1.  I’m sorry.
2.  What can I do to help?
3.  What do you need?
4.  If you haven’t been tested yet, please take care of that for your own peace of mind. (and if they stay in the marriage, encourage them to continue to be tested regularly.)
5.   Do you have a counselor for yourself?
6.  What do YOU want? (many straight spouses can’t answer that one right away)
7.  There’s a support group called The Straight Spouse Network.  You should get in touch with them if you haven’t already.
8.  This is not your fault.
9.  I’m here for you.
10. It’s difficult, but I have faith that you will get through this and be stronger and happier than you are now.  And again, please let me know what I can do to help.

The above reinforce connectedness to the family/friends, freedom from shame, a directedness toward healing and life in the truth, honesty, and positive direction.

It’s important for family, friends, and counseling professionals to know that working through the anger, doubt and consistent negative messages of the marriage takes time for the straight spouse, sometimes years.  This isn’t just a situation where you can make nice once and expect it to be ok.  Straight spouses often need to connect with those who are helpful and supportive on a regular basis.  That is why support from family and friends, and connecting with the confidential peer to peer support of the Straight Spouse Network is so important.

We do heal – it just takes time.  Gay spouses have been wrestling with the questions of their orientation for their entire lives – we deal with it all at once and it can be overwhelming.  Allowing time to heal and continuing to offer support, friendship, and connection is very important for family and friends who want to help.

The Straight Spouse Network’s own Amity Buxton recently wrote an article about the film Outrage, and the effect of public outing of closeted homosexuals in public life on families. The article, published in The Advocate, has received much notice and commentary.

Amity states that while the straight spouses are a side story in the film, our experience is just as devastating as that of openly gay people who are hurt by the actions of closeted politicians. “Friends, family members, and professionals, including therapists and clergy, do not understand their unique issues’, says Amity. “As a result, many go back into their spouses’ closet to cope alone. Some seek help and find the sole support system available to them in the Straight Spouse Network. Even so, they are isolated locally, coping with complex concerns by themselves. Isolated, they remain invisible, their voices unheard, while their husbands find not only support to heal but also venues in which to express their truth.”

Amity Buxton has saved quite a few lives – first by founding the Straight Spouse Network, and second by continuing to speak to diverse audiences about us and our experiences. Because of Amity, it is not so easy to ignore straight spouses, or the support we need and deserve.

Thanks, Amity!!!

It’s been nearly 5 years since gay marriage was first legalized in Massachussetts. Since that time, four other states have followed and other states have laws under consideration. After five years, in Massachussetts, life goes on. Some of the social and legal changes in Massachussetts include the exit of a Roman Catholic agency from the adoption process. But gay couples have the right to file their income tax at the lower married rate, and make medical decisions and inherit each others property, without having to make special legal provisions.

Five years is long enough to have some marriages ending in divorce. For gay people from states other than Massachussetts who traveled there to be married, divorce may be difficult because their marriages are not recognized as legal in their own states.

The question of gay divorce is of interest to straight spouses, since many of us are divorced from gay people. And grounds for gay divorces will become interesting in those states where adultery requires “coitus” , or a heterosexual union. At present, some divorcing straight spouses have discovered that they cannot cite fault in some states due to infidelity, since the sexual act that has occurred is not “coitus” but rather a homosexual act.

While many of us divorce under no fault provisions, it does seem strange that adultery is only legally recognized in some states when it occurs between men and women, and not when a husband or wife has a sexual affair with someone of the same sex.

Perhaps when courts must consider grounds for divorce in homosexual marriages, such glaring inconsistencies in the law will be addressed.

Outrage is likely to provoke just that in some circles. The film which is featured at Tribeca Film Festival this week and opens in theaters nationwide today, is Kirby Dicks documentary about exposing closeted gay politicians who work against the interests of gays and lesbians.

The film features some of the more notorious examples of closeted homosexual politicians in recent years, including former NJ governor James McGreevey and Idaho Senator Larry Craig. Controversial blogger Mike Rogers is also prominently featured, as he has made it a focus of his blog to out political figures who are closeted and hypocritical. An interesting aspect of the film is the focus on congressional aides, and the overwhelming numbers of gay men among them.

The debate over whether or not it is appropriate to out any public figure will likely be further ignited by this film. Outrage does not actually out anyone, but features politicians who have previously been outed in print or online,  or actual disclosures by politicians such as McGreevey.   Most of the politicians featured either deny being gay or refuse to comment on privacy grounds.  It is important to realize that some of the people who are forcibly outed in media have spouses and children who are then vilified publicly as well. No matter what reaction they have, there will always be someone who finds fault with them.

The Straight Spouse Network offers support to spouses and partners of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people, and that support is confidential. We’re a safe place for spouses to express their feelings, fears, and confidences. Some of us have current and former husbands and wives who are “out” and open, Some of us have been married to people who remain in the closet, either out of personal choice or for financial or personal safety. For each family, the solution of “outing” is different, unique, and personal.

Infidelity is in the news lately, thanks to the upcoming publication of Elizabeth Edwards book “Resilience”. The book is about her reaction to the affair her husband, former presidential candidate John Edwards had with a campaign videographer. How couples reconcile after an affair, how to forgive a cheating spouse is now the featured discussion topic on major news shows, blogs, and forums.

None of the discussions about forgiveness and reconciliation mention same sex infidelity.

In some states, same sex infidelity is not considered grounds for divorce. Only an affair with a member of the opposite sex is considered to be a legal reason for fault in some areas. While many divorces proceed forward under no fault laws, for those that need to establish fault, hearing that same sex infidelity is not considered legally to be the same as heterosexual infidelity often perpetuates yet another lie that the straight spouse is forced to live with.

Straight spouses live with many of the same lies when confronting same sex infidelity as do those whose husbands or wives cheat with someone of the opposite sex. Like John Edwards, they may say “I only did it once” and “It won’t happen again”. In addition, the straight spouse copes with the following:

“If you loved me you’d understand I have to be me”
“If you were a better wife/husband I wouldn’t have ‘experimented’”
“I’m not gay, I just love that person”
“I’m not asking you to forgive me, because there is nothing to forgive. This is normal for me.”
“After all, you’re the only man/woman I’ve had sex with”.

Forgiveness is a long road when it comes to infidelity, and cannot be truly attained when the spouse is still enmeshed in lies, denial, and denigration.

Immediately post disclosure or discovery, many mixed orientation couples go through what is called the “honeymoon phase”. It’s not a honeymoon that anyone should want! The initial pain of confrontation is past, and the straight spouse has some decisions to make about what the future holds.

During the “honeymoon phase”, the gay spouse may be feeling guilty, or may want to end the marriage in a positive way. He or she might compensate by showing affection, appreciation, or complete cooperation in divorce proceedings.

Honeymoons do not last forever, and it is unrealistic to expect that they should.

What’s important during the phase immediately after disclosure or discovery is to maintain honest communication if possible and safe, and to seek support immediately. The “honeymoon phase” can be a time of conflicting emotions, expectations, and desires, and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed and confused. With a supportive network, you learn to give yourself time to sort it all out, and feel what you really truly feel about discovering your husband or wife has a same sex attraction.

The Straight Spouse Network is here to support all straight spouses of LGBT people, in all walks of life, and in all stages of marriage, divorce, separation, or reconciliation. You don’t have to be alone.