Honestly, we’re probably the only straight people on the web talking openly about this. But it concerns us, so we’re going to keep right on talking.

At some point after the discovery or disclosure that a spouse is homosexual, some straight spouses will be asked to consider the possiblity of continuing the marriage by agreeing to a “closed loop” relationship.

A WHAT????

A closed loop relationship means that the husband and wife stay married, and the gay spouse has sex with an LGBT partner as well as the spouse (no, not all together, not swinging!) All participants in a closed loop relationship are faithful to each other.

For the gay spouse, this is a way of having gay sex without the “cruising” and the deception. For the straight spouse, if this fits their idea of a marriage, this is a way to stay married. Sometimes the gay partner is also married.

You can find more information on closed loop relationships from a gay perspective here , and here. There are a number of support groups for gay people in these relationships, and some groups will also include the straight spouse.

For many straight spouses, the idea of opening up a marriage between two people to include a third person is unacceptable. For many, it just isn’t marriage if it involves a third person. Also, the request to engage in a closed loop relationship may come from the gay spouse on the heels of discovery or disclosure, when the straight person is still coping with many emotions and reactions. A straight spouse in this stage may not be ready to make a decision about the relationship.

Communication is key to maintaining a closed loop relationship. All participants must know about each other, and be comfortable talking with each other about what is working and what is not. The straight spouse might be willing to consider a closed loop relationship in general, but perhaps not with the choice their gay spouse has made in a same sex partner.

Gay people have had a while to adjust to the knowledge that they are gay, even when they come out late in life. The spouse has much less time to adjust to that reality. No one should ever present the possibility of a closed loop relationship to the straight spouse with the idea that they have to decide under pressure. The decision should be made among all the people involved. Trust, and a genuine love between the spouses is also very necessary.

There are some straight spouses in the Straight Spouse Network who have successfully participated in closed loop relationships over a long term – they are rare, but they do exist. The can confidentially advise any straight spouse considering this type of relationship as to what can be expected so that they can make their own decision without pressure.

Kathy Callori, Dan Choi, Carol Silverman

Shortly after the election, we commented on the possible repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. For all the hype and hysteria, no one is talking about military families who remain closeted, or who will be completely shocked and surprised if disclosure becomes an option for gay people in the United States Armed Forces.

Well, since no one is talking about us, we just have to speak up for ourselves. And that is why you will sometimes see representatives of the Straight Spouse Network at Gay Pride events. We reach out and build bridges to advocates in the gay community, making sure that they understand our perspective and our concerns.

At a recent Gay Pride Event in Rockland County, NY, our Executive Director, Kathy Callori and the facilitator of the Westchester County NY group, Carol Silverman, heard Lt. Dan Choi speak about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. You might remember Choi from Rachel Maddow’s interview when he was dismissed from the Army National Guard in May for admitting that he was gay on one of her earlier interviews. Choi is an infantry leader who served honorably in Iraq, and an Arabic linquist. He is also a West Point graduate.

About 12,500 soldiers have been dismissed for being gay as a result of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell since the policy was first in effect during the Clinton Administration. The letter Choi received stated “your actions negatively affected the good order” of the army national guard. The actions referred to are publicly stating that he is gay, not anything related to his service.

Choi contends that as a West Point graduate who fully practices the honor code, he is bound to tell the truth, and not lie.  While it could be argued that Choi didn’t HAVE to tell because his sex life is no one’s business, the fact is that he and other gays in the active military are compelled to lead a life denying their families and partners by omission that heterosexuals are not compelled to do. No one has ever told a heterosexual married officer to not disclose his sex life because his wife joined an officer’s wives club. No one has ever told a heterosexual member of the armed forces that attending events on base with spouse and family is acknowledging their sex life. There are many activities, networks,and benefits for military families that the children and partners of gay people serving in the military are excluded from because that would lead to disclosure and dismissal. Legal same sex spouses and partners of LGBT soldiers are not able to publicly acknowledge their relationship, and must remain invisible. Should a gay soldier be killed while deployed, the partner will not be notified, but must wait for an “official” family member to tell them. Same sex spouses and partners cannot go on base, shop in the commissary, or participate in base life. If they are raising the couple’s children, they cannot participate in family activities.

Gay people in the military have few choices – either disclose their homosexuality and face less than honorable dismissal as Choi has done, or hide their family and partner. Or, they can marry a heterosexual person, and perpetuate the deception on someone else. And that is where the Straight Spouse Network comes in.

What will happen to the heterosexual spouses of closeted LGBT soldiers once Dont Ask Don’t Tell is repealed? Will they be given support, counseling? How will these disclosures affect their lives?

The repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell will force the military to acknowledge that gay service members have families. We straight spouses are part of those families, usually unintentionally. When we discover a spouse’s homosexuality, we need counseling, medical help, support. But straight spouses of LGBT soldiers are also forced to hide, to remain closeted, during a traumatic time when they need to reach out for support and affirmation for their own issues. If they disclose that their spouse is gay, their spouse will be discharged, and their family will not receive benefits.

The Straight Spouse Network is here to support all straight spouses through the traumas of discovery, disclosure, and through the process of moving on in a positive direction. It is our hope that if the Obama administration proceeds with the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, that family counselors and friends of straight spouses will not hesitate to refer the heterosexual husbands and wives of newly outed gay service members to us for support.

In case you haven’t noticed, the Straight Spouse Network website has a new look.  Our website has been redesigned, making resources easier to find, and support much more accessible.

We’ve updated our lists of reading resources, and sorted them by category, so that you can find what you are looking for without going through a long list.  Selections from our most recent blog posts show on the home page, as does the most recent media about us.  And current updates are front and center, so that you stay informed about the latest research, support for us, and media recognition of the straight spouse perspective and experience.

Our FAQ page details some of the most common questions we have, or that our  families have, about every aspect of having an LGBT spouse that affects us. If you have questions about medical issues, separation, staying married, therapy – check out this resource first.

You’ll find tags for the FAQ and the Recommended Reading in the top banner – alongside what for most of us is the most important – Find Support!

In the future, you will be able to purchase items from our gift shop. We’ll have T-shirts, coffee mugs, and our FABULOUS cookbook, as well as quality donated and consigned items.

We really do offer “real support at an unreal time” – and that support just became easier to access!

We’ve talked about this before on this blog, but we’ll talk about it again. One of the most difficult things for any straight spouse or mixed orientation couple to face is the question of “what do we tell the children”?and teenage children, as they worry about peer pressure, acceptance, and harrassment.

For most families, children of all ages will likely be more immediately concerned with divorce and how it will impact their lives than they will with a parent being gay.  Having a homosexual parent is an issue for middle school

Younger children want to know they are loved, cared for, safe, and provided for. If you explain to them that Daddy is gay, or Mommy is a lesbian, they may not understand what you mean.  After all, young children do not understand what sex is.  Tell them in an age appropriate way having to do with what they personally will experience if you separate or your living arrangements change.

It’s important to remember that when gay people come out after years of being in the closet, they want to move quickly into their new life.  But when you are married and have a family, coming out involves more than yourself. It involves your family.  It can take a while for a straight spouse to recover from discovery or disclosure and a breakup.  Likewise, new relationships for children have to be considered carefully.  Don’t introduce your children to everyone you are involved with – wait until you know that a new partner is going to be a stable person in your life.  Don’t expect that everyone will meet your timeline in accepting the new situation. And please, choose your partner carefully and remember, all stepfamilies have difficulties at times.

Going forward with family, out of the closet, is important.  If a gay spouse is in denial, the straight spouse should not be afraid to make the decision to tell the children if appropriate and necessary.  The important thing for the straight spouse is to refrain from telling the children in anger, or to get revenge on the gay spouse.  Tell them calmly, possibly with a counselor or clergy person present for support.

It may not be necessary to tell young children right away. School age children and teens may already have an idea that a parent is gay, and be reluctant to discuss it.  When a straight spouse keeps the secret, it can appear to teenage children that they are lying as well.

Honesty is painful, but the best way for a family to proceed.  Just be sure that when you tell the children, do so in an age appropriate way.