Many straight spouses find shortly after discovery or disclosure that the resources for help and healing are few and far between.  Therapists often do not know how to recognize our issues, or affirm our self esteem or respect.  Many times, therapists, clergy, and counselors are fixed on the end result, and the homosexuality of our spouses.

For the minority among us who remain in love with our spouses and choose to stay married to them, this can prove to be difficult.  Support in marriage counseling tends often to reflect a bias – a focus on a desired end result of staying married or separating – or of the gay spouse “coming out” and being fully authentic.  But what happens when the love of the husband and wife for one another is also authentic?  And what happens to the need of the straight spouse to explore and respond to a zillion conflicting emotions?

This is where the peer support of the Straight Spouse Network is truly invaluable.  We are able to support one another in the diverse paths we take in our relationships, and give one another the benefit of our experience.

One of the gentlemen who has been active in our online and face to face support groups passes on this wisdom for those who wish to remain married:

“As a result of the totally unacceptable words and actions of their lesbian/bi-sexual/gay spouses after they came out, many str8 spouses have, or are in the process of, separating and/or divorcing. There are a minority of us who, as a result of having lesbian/bi-sexual/gay spouses who exhibited much better talk and behavior, are maintaining a mixed orientation marriage relationship.  There are more of us on the ssml and other mailing list support groups where both spouses can be members and post.

I also recommend that you read the book “The Other Side of The Closet” by Amity Pierce Buxton.  It can provide you with some insight as to feelings both you and your spouse are going through, and will go through. Each spouse  who comes to Straight Spouse Network should do what they feel is right for them without comparing what they are doing to what anyone else is doing. There is NO ONE RIGHT WAY applicable to all of us. Communicating with other str8 spouses is VERY beneficial.  Depending upon where you live there may be other str8s who meet periodically for face to face discussions or who live close enough to meet you.”

Now this is true expert advice – from someone who has been there, done that, and celebrated a lot of wedding anniversaries!

By Kevin Stevenson

I am a 45 year old straight guy, a very logical man, with a live and let live attitude and I have never been homophobic, having both gay and lesbian friends and relations (respectively).  Being straight and not in the least bit ‘confused’, I am not troubled by repressed feelings and the gay community doesn’t affect my life.

Until recently.

In March I could have killed someone.

Some two actually. I saw (what I took to be) a lesbian couple, hand in hand crossing the road as I approached at speed. I felt a great anger well up within me.  All it would have taken was a flick of the wrist, to mount the pavement, and to destroy three lives. Theirs and my own.

I was very close.

How did this transformation come about?  What had changed an open minded, non-judgemental character, and all round decent chap into a bigot?

Well, simply this.  My wife had come out.

Now, I’m not going to go into the whole phenomenon of women (and men) finding themselves in mid life. It happens. And thanks to the various LGBT support groups, national and local help lines and pride days etc, they are well served.  However, we, and by we I mean the straight spouses, are not.

I personally found it very hard to be angry with my wife, after all I still loved her, I was devastated, yet understood that this was not so much a choice for her, as fate.

But I was angry.  Angry at the loss of my marriage, our home, our plans, our future. In desperation I started looking at LGBT websites, looking for some clue, some hope, looking for the ‘get out of gay free card’.

Naturally I didn’t find it.  Instead I found endless support for her, celebration of her decision, and on one site, a lecture on how heterosexual propaganda had been suppressing her.  This simply fueled my rage.  My wife had been stolen by lesbians! My LIFE had been stolen by homosexuals!  I was under attack and had been all along!  How blind I had been!

I was doubled up in pain and my head spun. They were laughing at me. Worse!  They were disregarding me!  My marriage didn’t matter, my life didn’t matter, all they cared about was that they had added another to their ranks!!

As I grew more and more enraged, I knew that my attitude was wrong.  Illogical.  Stupid.  Hateful.  Spiteful.  Bigoted.  All the things that I am not.  I was becoming a monster.  I was going INSANE.

In desperation I reached out for help, PFLAG were kind, but couldn’t help.   Stonewall said that ‘there were no facilities for people in my position’, but they did suggest Relate.  Well, ultimately useful, but where was my help line?  Where was my support?  I couldn’t find it, and no one in the LGBT community seemed able to help.

What I really needed was someone, anyone, to tell me that I was going to be OK.  That the homophobia that I was feeling was a natural reaction, and more importantly, one that would pass.  I needed to speak to people who had been through this, even lesbians who had come out in mid life, to try to understand why, how.

I needed help.

But there was no one.  Ultimately, I have found support, through SSN. But my point is that when I reached out for help to the logical place, the gay community, it wasn’t there, the knowledge and the experience that I hoped for wasn’t forthcoming.

I was collateral damage.

If I had seen that lesbian couple on my way TO Relate, rather than on the way FROM Relate, they might have been collateral damage too.

Homophobia is wrong.  But this lack of support for us is a cause of homophobia.  The LGBT community needs to take responsibility for its fall out.  By giving support to straight spouses it would be protecting itself.

I don’t want anyone to suffer what I have gone through.  To suddenly become homophobic when previously you had been tolerant and even supportive, is a frightening and literally mind bending experience.

It has got better.  I can walk by the gay pub without wanting to smash its windows. I can talk to my gay friends as individuals.

I was not a bad man.  I was a man in a bad place.  I have not lost myself to this, as I feared that I would.  I’m not ‘right’ yet, but I’m assured that I will be.

But none of that assurance has come from where I looked for it.

Kevin.

Copyright K Stevenson 2009

The Straight Spouse Network invites the perspectives of various individuals who wish to share their unique experiences. We Thank Kevin for being our Guest Blogger today and permitting us to print his article.

Here at the Straight spouse Network, we were very interested in the recent affirmation by the American Psychological Association concerning the ill effects of reparative therapies.

We have long believed that reparative therapies do not actually change our spouses. While it is possible for bisexual people who wish to remain married to make decisions concerning their sexual behavior, in our experience changing actual orientation just does not happen. For some couples, reparative therapies and ex gay ministries just add a new layer of deceit, blame, and failure onto an already bad situation.

The problem with reparative therapies and groups proporting to “cure” homosexual impulses is that they focus on homosexuality itself, and not on the actual issues of mixed orientation marriages. Many times, the well being of the straight spouse is overlooked, in the assumption that all will be well once the gay spouse is “cured”. In reality, the damage to the straight spouses ability to trust, be honest, and continually build the marital relationship is ignored. Likewise for the gay or bisexual spouse, being “cured” does not automatically guarantee that the desire for the straight spouse will return.

Many of us have known for a long time that making someone “ungay” does not make all pathways straight. For many of us, it makes the path strewn with obstacles to the truth and distractions from the honest pursuit of a marital relationship.

Denial of a spouse’s homosexuality or bisexuality can take many pathways – from the religious “ex gay” movement to the “tolerant” idea that all people are a little gay and experimentation is normal. It is important to be honest with a spouse about sexual orientation, and it is important to be honest with each other about the state of the marriage. Many of us have lived in denial of the obvious about our husbands and wives for many years. The resulting self blame, self doubt, and isolation is very destructive to us.

When reparative therapies and ex gay ministries do not have the desired results for us of keeping the marriage whole, renewing the relationship, or changing the gay spouses orientation, we often experience a second occurrence of trauma. Feelings of failure, inadequacy, and isolation are common. It is important for the straight spouse to know that they do NOT have the power to change a husband or wife’s sexual orientation.

Tracy Lawanda

We’d like to thank Tracy Lawanda for her excellent interview of Amity Buxton on her blog Aword4U. The interview was featured on BlogtalkRadio.  Amity appears approximately 10 minutes into the show. This is a Christian show, and Tracy asked a lot of great questions of Amity. Much of the discussion centers around truth in marriage.

Amity tells the story of her own marriage, and also of the history of the straight spouse network. What is interesting in this interview is that they discuss a variety of situations, such as marriages that stay together, the number of men who seek support after learning their wives are lesbians, and how others can support the straight spouse. Some of the more difficult questions concern straight women who blame themselves for their husband’s homosexuality, and that homosexuals cannot change their orientation. Learning to figure out who you are, and what you value, and finding the support of those who have gone before you in this situation is vital to healing and moving forward. This discussion is very frank, and covers many of the questions that people have about how a straight person can wind up being married to a gay person in the first place.

The Straight Spouse Network is unique in that we support all straight spouses, male, female, young, old, married, divorced. We come from all walks of life, different religions, cultures, beliefs. Yet, we have this common bond of understanding the process, experience, and unique problems of being married to a gay person who is closeted, living on the down low, and the effect on us and our families.

Our thanks to Amity and to Tracy for spreading the word about the help and support we offer to all straight spouses.

Now we’re proud!  The Straight Spouse Network  (SSN) has been named the Best of Northeast in the 2009 Pride Choice Awards, sponsored by Great Nonprofits, Guidestar, and Queerty (www.greatnonprofits.org/pride). The contest asked people to submit reviews about nonprofits serving the LGBT community.  The network received 65 five-star reviews.

The Straight Spouse Network  (www.straightspouse.org) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual spouses/partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples for constructively resolving coming-out problems. The network also offers research-based information about spouse, couple, and family issues and resources to other family members, professionals, community organizations, and the public. The organization is the only support network of its kind in the world.

“It was through the Straight Spouse Network,” wrote one reviewer, “that I learned how to live again, how to face reality in the eye and stand tall. I was no longer alone. The men and women of the Straight Spouse Network understood the issues I was experiencing and with out being judgmental stood beside me and was my guide. They led by example and did not dwell on the negative. They didn’t take sides but instead helped me clarify the issues and understand that the sexuality of my wife was nothing I had any influence over. Over the years I have many times I have stood side by side with members of the GLBT community and marched and spoke for equality. Reaching Out – Healing – Building Bridges are not just words spoke by the Straight Spouse Network. They talk the talk and they walk the walk. The Straight Spouse Network is not just the Other Side of the Closet; they kick the door open, expose reality, and offer a helping hand so everyone can heal from this significant emotional event,”

Kathy Callori, Executive Director of the Straight Spouse Network, was thrilled by the announcement. “With the help of our many volunteers and part time paid staff, the Straight Spouse Network will continue to be there to help all those who reach out for support in their time of crisis.”