By T.T.S.

I grew up in an interesting household.  I had a mom, a dad, a dog and a cat.  Around age seven, a friend of my mother’s moved in with us.  By eleven, I had discovered that my mother was gay and that this friend was actually her lover.  I wasn’t oblivious; I could tell that my parents were unhappy with each other.  The constant fighting was a great indicator of this fact.

My father is not a perfect man.  He’s human.  I know that he didn’t always fulfill what my mother expected in a husband and provider.  But he is still my father, a truth which my step-mother did her best to make me feel bad about.   Every time I did something that she didn’t like, she’d point it out in this way:

“You’re just like your stupid f__king father!”

It didn’t matter what it was.  It could be anything from her belief that I had no common sense to a simple personality trait.  She’d say that she didn’t want me to hate my father and then could never stop herself from proclaiming how much she despised me for being like him in any way.  The worst thing was that my mother never stopped her.  Often she’d join in on this with moans belittling me for upsetting my step-mother by not just giving into whatever she said or demanded that I do.

Funny enough, I found myself analyzing this and even sympathizing with their feelings a little.  After all, my mother’s marriage to my father had kept her and her wife apart for a number of years.  My mother had been unwilling to just take off with me without seeing if she could get the marriage to work.  In the meantime though, she was sleeping with this woman inside our house.  I woke up many a night in search of my mother to discover that she was not in bed with my father, but in bed with this woman who was supposed to be my ‘aunt.’

Before my dad left, he and I had a loving, close relationship.  He always stayed up-to-date on what I was learning in school and would make up games to try to incorporate my developing interests and knowledge of the world.  We also did a lot of arts and crafts projects together.  I remember that when I was learning about the Native Americans in school, he went out with me to find sticks, leaves, bark, and other things and we made a miniature tee-pee together.

I don’t remember the exact day that my dad left.  I think I’ve permanently blocked it from my memory, but I do remember the days and years that followed were not easy.  My step-mother has always been abusive to the point that eventually I ended up distancing myself from her completely.  I think she underestimated the bond that I had with my father.  Yes, I could be pissed to hell with him, but when it comes down to it, he’s still my father.  Nothing can change that.

I guess in some ways the separation has made my relationship with my father stronger.  I have a more open, honest adult relationship with him than I do with my mother.  I feel free to disagree with him and him with me.  We’ve come to respect each others opinions of things and perhaps best of all is that he trusts me to be okay.  He gives me a certain level of freedom that I have never gotten from my mother or her partner.  He knows that I have a good head on my shoulders and that I will do just fine in the end.

My mother’s house is a world of lies.  She used to tell me to just ‘yes’ her wife to death to keep the peace.  I couldn’t do that.  I am a terrible liar and then also, because it just doesn’t sit right with me.  I don’t believe that that is the real way to get on with people in life.  I’m not saying that this happened overnight for me.  It took many years and a lot of outside support from my husband’s family and our friends in order for me to reach this point.

I didn’t learn to tell my parents when I was unhappy with things until the middle of college.  Both had very different outcomes.  My mother and her partner had had a horrible fight which of course always ended up including me and anyone else that had the misfortune to be around at the moment.  Desperate to find a sane parent to talk to, I called up my father.  He hadn’t bothered to tell me that he had decided to go on a vacation across the country.  I tore into that phone message saying everything that I had promised myself that I would never say.  Up until that moment my father had had no idea how miserable I was living with my mother, how I had run away to the dorms to escape, and how I felt like I could never count on him for anything.

To his credit, he stood up and did something about it.  We started discussing how things were going on at my mother’s house and while he couldn’t afford for me to come and live with him, he would support any decisions that I made.  I told him that I was going to dorm at college year round and that is what I ended up doing.  It wasn’t always easy, but I think I have come out the better for it both mentally and spiritually.  Since that phone conversation, I have been able to be honest with my father.  Whenever I have tried to do this with my mother, she runs back to the idea how her and her partner and I can still be a family if I would just learn to work around her.  This is code for ‘lie to keep the peace that we all are pretending exists in the first place.’  Thankfully, life’s experiences have set me against this way of thinking.

I know that these are extreme circumstances.  Not every step-mother or step-father is so abusive or stifling to their step-children.  Some are very loving parental figures.  My advice to anyone with a step-family set up, whether that be a gay or straight household, is not to forget that the children have come from two biological parents.  To paint either parent in a totally negative way is to tell the child that half of them is no good.  It hurts, plain and simple.  It hurts the child and it will only serve to damage that child’s relationship with whoever is throwing stones in the first place.

The Straight Spouse Network invites the perspectives of various individuals who wish to share their unique experiences. We thank T.T.S. for being our Guest Blogger today and permitting us to print her article about her experience.

The Straight Spouse Network had a bit of fame this week.  After quite a bit of time between interviews, the Associated Press published an article about Amity Buxton and other California Straight Spouses, and their opposition to Prop 8.  You can read the widely distributed article here.

Now we are very happy to have the attention!  Thanks to this article, there are now several hundred thousand more people who know two things they didn’t know before:

1 Straight people actually need help when they find they are married to a gay person.

2. Yes, there’s a support group for that.

Nevertheless, among many of our straight spouses, there is a discomfort with supporting gay marriage.  Our fifteen minutes of media fame might lead some to believe that we’ve organized to support gay marriage.  While many of us are supportive of marriage rights for gay people, quite a few of us are not, or are undecided about this.  Our main purpose is to support straight spouses, not gay marriage.  To that end, we support all straight spouses, regardless of their politics or position.  Our board has taken a position, stated here, that affirms the right of all adults to marry, whether they are same gender unions or not, and opposes codifying marriage as between men and women only.  The purpose of that position is to remove a source of deception and pain to many of us.  It is not a call to rally the troops and join the struggle.

Of course, our moment of recognition in the national media is not caused by recognition of issues that are of importance to us.  It is focused on those straight spouses who support gay marriage.  There’s a perceived irony in some of us supporting gay rights – but it is no more ironic than the fact that some of the Straight Spouse Network’s most generous donors are gay.

It may surprise people, but there are gay spouses who recognize that we are a part of the rainbow family, whether we want to be or not.  They know that the best hope of building a bridge and strengthening an ongoing family relationship between divorced couples with children is for the straight spouse to connect with other people in similiar situations, and move forward with our own lives.  So they support us, and many of us support their desire for legal marriage to each other. Many straight spouses view this as a bridge to be built within their own family.  Others want to totally separate from gay spouses and the people with whom they have sexual relationships.

It may also be a surprise that we are not a large “gay agenda” funded pro gay group with large donations and professional grant writers.  We are a peer to peer support network for straight people who are picking up the pieces of their own lives and that of their families after they discover their husband or wife is gay.  We operate on a shoestring and depend on volunteer support.  We depend on contributions from those whom we have helped in the past, in order to be visible to those who will need our help in the present and future.

It will be a great day when we get mainstream media attention focused on our own experiences and needs, and not just as a peripheral group to gay concerns.  We have so many questions that we face all at once with discovery and disclosure – questions that most people would need to face in a larger time frame, but we face it all at once.  What do we tell the kids?  What do we tell the family?  What if we or our children don’t get along with the new gay partner, or want our children to have nothing to do with a spouse’s gay sex partner(s)?  What if we have HIV? How do we adjust to all this, and cope with the stress of divorce, financial questions, and heal and move forward?  Where can we find a therapist or counselor who gets our need for affirmation as we drown in a sea of self doubt, isolation, and sometimes degradation?  How do we cope with the spouse who is having a same sex relationship, but insists that they are not gay?

Somehow the discussion of all matters affecting families like ours is never about us.  But as long as the Straight Spouse Network maintains some visibility,even around “popular” topics like gay marriage,  people who thought they were the only one facing a highly dysfunctional situation with a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered spouse will know that there is at least one safe place where someone will listen, understand, and help.  You’ll find us, and we’ll help you!

By Kevin Stevenson

“How would you feel..” she said, with a smile, “If I had an affair with a woman?”

And so my marriage ended.

Actually it ended with the next sentence, when she told me we would just be married friends, and she would be exclusive to her new lover.

It is hard to describe how a man feels when this happens. In my case there was very little deceit. Her new relationship didn’t begin until after this moment. It’s Adultery, pure and simple. On paper, she’s in love with, having sex with, and living with, another person. But it doesn’t feel like adultery. My instinct as a man, is to protect my mate from other men. Another woman doesn’t register on the radar. It doesn’t ‘fit’ in the mind. Perhaps this is why some family men find themselves looking after two lesbians instead of one wife.

I should have been angry, but instead I was confused. I was hurt, the pain was physical, but above all was this haze of disbelief. She did not ‘own’ gay at first, so I thought, maybe I can win her back. But I researched, and what I found made me despair.

Being gay is not a choice. Therefore I was not rejected for who I was, rather for what I was. There being no choice, there was no blame. Yet my relationship, my marriage, my family and my home was gone…but there was NO blame??? How?

I loved her and had spent years trying to make her happy, finally she was. I was jealous, and angry. Homosexuality had stolen my wife, and my life. But with no one to blame (and I still loved her) I became homophobic instead.

This is what I describe as core damage. This episode has changed the way I react mentally. Where before I was open minded and tolerant by nature, now it requires effort. Where before lesbian sex featured as part of my fantasy life, now I dare not even think about it, and whilst that may seem a small thing, it is not. It is a loss of mental innocence. I hate the fact that there are places in my own mind where I cannot go, places that I used to enjoy.

This was quickly followed by illogic. If I were a woman, I would be a lesbian. Belittled as a man I failed to see anything attractive in men. Therefore all women should be lesbians. I was asked if I felt that I wasn’t man enough for her. This was ridiculous! The fact is I wasn’t woman enough! I didn’t feel devalued as an individual, instead I felt devalued as a sex.

I felt sick. I felt despair.

And still, STILL, there was the Love. Because this didn’t FEEL like adultery, because she was radiating confusion which evoked concern from me, because I was trying to understand, because I could not focus my anger, I could not separate. I swung back and forth between needing to talk to her and needing to distance myself from her, and worse, she seemed to do the same.

The love lingers, and eats the soul. This is the worst truth of all.

Copyright K Stevenson 2009

The Straight Spouse Network invites the perspectives of various individuals who wish to share their unique experiences. We Thank Kevin for being our Guest Blogger today and permitting us to print his article.

Lately, it seems that you just cannot turn on the TV or go to any sort of public event without encountering previously unheard of rudeness and hostility. First, there were all those angry old folks shouting at Congressional representatives about health care.

And finally, there was the outburst of poor sportsmanship by Serena Williams.

But wait. There’s more.

Several message boards and online commentaries featured the idea that after all this time, we should “just get over” the events of 9/11. Yup. The single worst attack on American soil in history, we’re still at war as a result, but hey, its a new day, just get over it. Can you believe this?

And just last night, Kanye West grabbed the microphone away from a stunned Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards, saying that her competitor Beyonce should have won. Poor 19 year old Taylor stood there, at what should have been a moment of personal and professional joy, looking strangely reminiscent of Sissy Spacek in the movie “Carrie”.

Well, Taylor, Mr. President, members of congress, and Ms. Tennis Judge, welcome to our world.

Often when straight spouses try to tell the truth, we are interrupted, sidelined, silenced or mocked. Having people be intensely and unexpectedly rude to us is nothing new. Having our grief minimized and dismissed is also, sadly, somewhat common.

Sometimes the rudeness is from our gay spouse. Somehow, we’re not supposed to think that cruising gay websites, looking at gay pornography, or having sex with someone else of the same sex means someone is actually gay. No, they’re experimenting. They’re on the Down Low. Somehow, the fact that your wife is having sex with a woman is supposed to be HOT and you are supposed to be PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDING and compassionate when she wants to bring her girlfriend home with her – to your home. Laughing, snorting, sneering, leering – we’ve endured it all. Then there’s the rudeness in therapy and counseling. We hear everything from how we can work harder at the marriage, to enduring knowingly raised eyebrows and a broad hint that NOBODY is COMPLETELY straight. And lets not even get into the family members and former friends who ask “Are you SURE? How can you tell?” or who suggest that if you want him to be more of a man, try being more of a woman. You suddenly find a lot of people who think that after a year or so, you should just GET OVER IT, because after all, hey, yawn, gay happens. Your world stopped, theirs kept on turning, so deal with it.

When you come to a Straight Spouse Network face to face support group meeting, we won’t be rude to you. About the rudest thing that should happen is someone might be even angrier than you are and shout louder about it! We won’t tell you to tone it down, you might offend someone. Some of us might tell you that we remember feeling that way too! We might have to pull you off the ceiling and dust you off a bit, but we won’t tell you to tone it down. This is YOUR story. And we understand and share the pain.

We’ll listen. And we’ll help guide you through it, toward a healing path. Maybe we’ll make some new friends, build some bridges, gain some new perspective, new connections. We’ll help you realize that you are NOT alone. After all, when your husband is not home a lot, you find pics of naked man body parts on the computer, there are unexplained charges on the cell phone bill, and he’s suddenly obsessed with working out and removing body hair, we can fully understand how angry you become when counselors, friends, and family tell you well, gee, that doesn’t make him gay, ya know. When your wife is constantly in the company of another woman, calling her, texting her, not being intimate with you, and spending much of her free time at lesbian clubs because you just have to understand, she loves the poetry, well, yes, we understand how that feels too. We’re certainly not going to tell you that its so so hot. We won’t hurt you that way. We’ll help you grow strong in the face of that hurt.

As survivors of unimaginable rudeness and hostility, we have some suggestions for the people who have recently been sideswiped in public by bizarre displays of self centered rudeness.

Congress, keep it real, and get to the deal. Mr. President, keep it cool. Ms. Tennis Judge, let the Tennis Association deal with it, and perhaps Serena can take some etiquette lessons from John McEnroe. And Taylor, you just keep on singing and filming your videos. Maybe you should keep singing that song “Picture to Burn” that makes some straight spouses laugh, and other straight spouses cringe. You know, the one where you sing

So go and tell your friends
That I’m obsessive and crazy,
That’s fine
I’ll tell mine
You’re gay,
And by the way,
I hate that stupid old pickup truck,
You never let me drive…

Go ahead and keep singing that song. And dedicate it to Kanye. We promise, no one will believe you.

After all, who could imagine Kanye West driving a stupid old pickup truck?

By Cathy Wos

I am obsessed with the show Mad Men. The writing is superb, the actors are phenomenal and the wardrobe is stunning.

It’s the 1960′s, and while an interesting era to watch, certainly not one I want to live in. The world of a 1960′s housewife was stifling. She was to been seen and not heard. Her husband was the breadwinner and he made all the decisions. If the couple divorced, ostracism was certain. She dealt with her isolation through therapy, cocktails and pills, and not necessarily in that order.

In Mad Men, each character struggles with the role he or she plays in society. It is most apparent with Salvatore Romano: Madison Avenue Advertising Art Director and closeted homosexual. In pre-Stonewall society he has no choice but to remain in the closet and play the part of red-blooded hetero male. In Season 2, we are introduced to Kitty, his adoring wife. Sal has invited a co-worker to dinner and Kitty tries to hold her own in the conversation, only to be cut off.  This goes deeper than the usual friction between husband and wife. The viewers can see that Sal has a crush on him, but Kitty doesn’t. All she knows is that something in this marriage is missing and she doesn’t quite understand.

Approximately 2 million men and women have been in Kitty’s role: straight spouse. Mad Men may be set over 40 years ago, but that doesn’t mean the closet has completely opened. Each day more and more people seek support from the Straight Spouse Network. The difference now is that they have somewhere to turn. The difference now is they do not need to stay in their gay spouse’s closet.

As the season progresses, I hope the writers at Mad Men treat Kitty with respect and empathy. My biggest hope is that characters like Kitty continue to exist only on-screen and not in real life.

Marriage equality is not just a focus in the United States.  Gay marriage is legal in 5 states in the USA, with New Hampshire due to become the sixth state on January 1.  World wide, Gay marriage is legal in Canada, Belgium, Spain, South Africa, Norway, and Sweden. Civil partnerships are available in Andorra, Australia, Colombia, Croatia, the Czech Republic, Denmark, Finland,France, Germany, Hungary, Iceland, Israel, Luxembourg, New Zealand, Portugal, Slovenia, Switzerland, the United Kingdom, and Uruguay. Some parts of Argentina and Mexico allow same sex civil unions as well.

In Australia, the granting of legal status to civil union committment ceremonies is currently being debated, and members of the general public were invited to submit their statements in support or against to the Australian Federal Government’s Senate Enquiry.

Several members of the Straight Spouse Network responded eloquently.  Here are excerpts from some of their statements:

I was married to my wife for 13 years when she came out as a lesbian and left. On leaving she explained to me that she got married because that is what was expected of her and she wanted to lead a “normal” life….Some gay and lesbian people are getting married today; they are living a closeted life in a heterosexual marriage not being the person they were meant to be. This has severe consequences when it inevitably falls apart; I speak from personal experience as collateral damage of a marriage that was never meant to be.

I feel we need to allow all people regardless of their sexual orientation tofeel “normal” living the life they were born to live. Allowing same sex marriage is just another step in normalising homosexual life in society. Gay and lesbian people should be able to enjoy the same rights and responsibilities and privileges that people who identify as heterosexual enjoy. – Michael

I write as a friend and supporter for those whose lives have been adversely effected by spouses who, for whatever reason, decided to marry against their sexual preference.

In many cases, srt8 spouses are placed in the position of finding out after the marriage (sometimes decades after) about their spouse’s sexual orientation. There is an over arching belief amongst these str8 spouses that, had their community accepted homosexuality as ‘A’ norm, they may have been spared the years of pain and heartache that have been their lot.

My hope, whatever the outcome of this, or any other enquiry into the lives and rights of non-heterosexual people, that our society may reach the point where we are able to look at a person and see a person, not their sex, gender or sexual preference. If, in order for that to happen, we need to allow within our laws for non-heterosexual marriages, then I am in favour. – A. W.

The Straight Spouse Network’s position on same sex marriage is this: The Straight Spouse Network supports the legal right of any adult to form a marital union, with all its rights and responsibilities, with a chosen
partner of the same gender, rather than struggle to fit the mold of a heterosexual marriage in which everyone involved gets hurt. From the straight spouse’s perspective, codifying marriage as legal only if it is between a man and a woman, as has been proposed or passed in constitutional amendments across the country, serves to perpetuate hurtful consequences and pain for gay, lesbian, and bisexual spouses, straight spouses, and their children.
Board Approved: November 8, 2006
Reaffirmed: April 10, 2008