Things must be pretty quiet in Norwich. The police there appear to be excited by the distastefully mundane.

Pauline Howe, 67, is the wife of a Baptist minister living an apparently ordinary life in Norwich. When a gay pride parade was held locally, she showed up to participate in a counter demonstration. While handing out Christian leaflets, she claims she was subjected to verbal abuse by someone who whispered something nasty in her ear.

After the demonstration, she wrote a letter to the local council, expressing her displeasure that the demonstration had been allowed to happen at all. She alleged that homosexuals are Sodomites, contributed to the downfall of every empire, and that gay sex is a major cause of sexually transmitted diseases. Describing the march as a public display of indecency that was offensive to God, she wrote “It is shameful that this small but vociferous lobby should be allowed such a display unwarranted by the minimal number of homosexuals.”

OK, so she’s not going to be your gay husband or wife’s best friend. Or your gay child’s best friend. She’s probably not interested in being your best friend either. But does that make her guilty of a hate crime?

Mrs Howe received a written response from the council to her letter, informing her that ‘The content of your letter has been assessed as potentially being hate related because of the views you expressed towards people of a certain sexual orientation.

“Your details and details of the contents of your letter have been recorded as such and passed to the police.”

Sure enough, Mrs. Howe received a visit from the police. Her crime was that her letter had caused offense. Not surprisingly, Mrs Howe found the visit to be intimidating, frightening, and unwarranted.

Stonewall, the gay rights organization in the UK, has stated that the response is disproportionate.

NEWS FLASH: Being clueless is not illegal. Especially when you’re taken down for it by public servants who cannot even bring themselves to utter the words gay, lesbian, homosexual. A certain sexual orientation indeed. What a proper closet it is.

Things are definitely less quiet in Liverpool and Trafalgar Square, where two gay men were viciously attacked two weeks apart, after enduring verbal taunts. In Trafalgar Square, a 62 year old man was beaten to death after he responded to two girls who were screaming taunts at him. The girls and a 19 year old young man have been charged with manslaughter.

The Liverpool assault started when a mob of up to 20 boys descended upon a small group of homosexual men and women leaving a bar. 22 year old James Parkes, a policeman in training, announced he was with the police and ordered them to stop. Instead, he was set upon and given several skull fractures, a fractured eye socket, and a broken cheek bone. Two teens have been detained by police.

Did someone say “hate crime”?

Hmm. An elderly woman finds the going gets a bit verbally rough at the counter demonstration and expresses her indignation to her elected representatives.  OK, STRONGLY expresses her indignation, disgust, and loathing of the gay lifestyle.  Somehow that is supposed to be a hate crime, just like the young folks who hang out in the city street with nothing better to do than start a fight so they can call in a mob to finish it.

Perhaps the Norwich council needs to consider loaning their police force to Liverpool. The police might actually get training in how to respond to a real hate crime. And the council representatives might actually have to respond to people like Mrs. Howe all by themselves, and engage in actual conversation and dialogue.

Imagine a world where it is safe to express strong politically incorrect opinions in a civil manner without a visit from the police.

Imagine a world where it is safe to be openly gay and walk the streets without fear of death.

Imagine a world where people actually have better things to do than harass each other.

Well, it’s infidelity.  Lies, cheating, deception and all that. Just like in REGULAR divorces.  So just because your spouse has left you for someone of their same sex, you shouldn’t think you are any different from anyone else, right?

Wrong.

It is different.  Way different.  For the straight spouse, anyway.

When a man discovers his wife cheating on him with another man, he has a basic primal urge to beat up the intruder.  When the other man is a woman, he has that same urge. But oops!  Can’t hit a girl, you monster you.  Well, just be more understanding and deal with it.  Don’t express any anger, any hostility, any real feeling.  Ah, drinking again I see.  Well, just remember, if you’d been a better provider, lover, friend, housekeeper, father, etc, things would be different.

Now a man whose wife cheats on him with another man might own up to all the negatives in the last statement.  He might own his part in the breakup of the marriage eventually, because as all counselors always tell us (or so it seems) “it takes two, you have to own your own issues”.  But when a man’s wife has an affair with another woman he is left to wonder just what he could have changed about himself that would have mattered – because she’s gay and just not attracted to him really.

For those who think that having your wife involved with another woman is hot, consider this:  How hot is it for most straight men to be nagged in stereo, or whipped by two women – and not be able to strike back or express anger because everything about being a man is viewed in the negative?  How much of a turn on is that?  It may be a staple of the porn world, but in the real world, it is not much of a turn on at all.  How many straight women expect to come home to their husband after breaking up with the other man, and tell him the whole sobbing story about how they were dumped by the other man, or had a fight with him?  Not many, but this experience happens with some frequency to men who are married to emerging lesbians.

Now lets talk about straight women and their gay husbands’ infidelity, or in many cases, infidelities.  Along with straight women whose husbands are also straight, it certainly is possible that infidelity could happen because the guy married them for all the wrong reasons: money, position, appearances,baby making, mommy.  But then there are the problems of the marriage that go with being unloved or unappreciated or devalued.  She “lets herself go” and puts on weight.  He tells her she’s unattractive.  She’s a mess.  She doesn’t do anything right.  She’s depressed.

So they get divorced, they go to counseling for family issues.  Somehow, her issues are the problem.  The fact that he exposes her to AIDS, devalues her womanhood in subtle and not so subtle ways, and is on the “Down Low” or prefers anonymous bathroom nookie with a man he’s never met before to her love is supposed to be the same as if he cheated on her with a woman.  That means she’s not worth so much after all.  If he is cheating on her with a man who is the love of his life, that says to her that not only is her marriage over, but it was a total lie – and she is left to wonder if the problems with depression, unattractiveness, weight, housekeeping, etc are really her issues or if it was just a cover for him getting ready to discard her now that he’s done.

Yet, many gay husbands think that this means they are not cheating – after all, it’s not a relationship, or it’s not sex with a woman.

You never get a chance to work through what you could bring to the marriage to make it different, to possibly change the outcome if you choose to. No matter what you might do, your spouse is gay.  You don’t have the equipment, and they’ve probably found ways to tell you how inadequate you are before they admitted the real problem.

You never get to own your own issues, because in many of these marriages you own nothing but the lie from the start.

Counselors need to recognize in working with mixed orientation couples that talking about the issue of homosexuality in the marriage IS working on the marriage, and that the straight spouse has legitimate reasons for bringing up their feelings in regard to this.  Our need for affirmation at this time is often pretty keen, because so much of our own sexuality and personhood has been disaffirmed during the course of marriage.

By Elyse C.

I am a 51 year old woman about to be divorced. That, in and of itself, could be depressing. I hear a common lament from women in my age range that they feel like their lives are over and I can certainly sympathize, or, rather empathize with those women. Being in my 50’s and single are not my idea of a great time.  Statistically, I probably stand a greater chance of being struck by lightning than of getting remarried. Well, I don’t exactly know if that last statement is true. I don’t have actual numbers to back me up.

But wait a minute! What about me? What about using this divorce as a springboard for self-discovery and personal growth? Yes, the financial reality may be dismal, at least initially. But what an opportunity to start over! To grow, to learn, to change, to simplify, to eliminate the negativity from my life! OK, so maybe there are a few wrinkles, gray hairs, body parts that hurt, body parts that don’t want to work the same as they used to work—-but so what? Life can still be good—-heck, it can be better!

Don’t get me wrong:  I’m as nervous as hell about change in my life. I tend to give homage to the status quo. It is certainly easier not to change. To stay in the old, familiar patterns is comfortable. It’s less dangerous, less risky, etc. Nice and safe, just like I like it.

Well, like it or not, my husband came out of the closet, wants out so that he can start his life over and the sooner it happens for him, the better. I could fight it, dig in with both heels. Stall things or bring them to a screeching halt. Hang out for a few more years if I feel like it. But I don’t want to do that. The trouble is, I never saw myself as a divorced person. After 24+ years of marriage, one would think that things wouldn’t change dramatically. But life goes on, whether I agree with the premise or not.

I used to attend church faithfully every week, even several times a week. Lately, I haven’t been going anywhere to church. I intend to remedy that someday. Right now, I’m working on weekends, so it is next to impossible to get to a service. I have wrestled with faith issues since the gay thing entered my life more than 6 years ago. One thing I remember from my years of growing up in the church is a quote from Hebrews 1:11, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” This applies to my life in the here and now. I have such hope for the future. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know that all of it will be good. I certainly have hope that most of my life will be even better than it has been up until now.

I hope that most of you aren’t groaning and saying to yourselves, “She’s done gone and gotten all religious on us now!” I just have such hope for my future and the futures of all of us here, men and women alike. I can’t help but to focus on women in my age range, since they ARE my own kind. I feel like hope is central to all of our lives. If you are new to this, my message may not be something that you can digest or you may be annoyed with my perspective. That’s OK—we all find our own way, in our time, in the way that is right for us. The important thing is simply to open yourself to change, growth, progress, happiness (and perhaps, sadness), love, all the wonderful things that make us human.  I can hardly wait!

The Straight Spouse Network invites the perspectives of various individuals who wish to share their unique experiences. We thank Elyse C for being our Guest Blogger today and permitting us to print her article about her experience.

Today is National Coming Out Day.  For the straight spouses of closeted gay people, this has special meaning.

Closets stifle us and our families.  When we have to keep the secret of a gay spouse, and pretend to the world that all is well, that things are really just as they appear, it stifles us.  Some of us keep those secrets for personal reasons, others for professional reasons.  The secret has a cost to everyone who keeps it.

For the straight spouse whose husband or wife denies being gay while showing a sexual attraction to the same sex, the closet is particularly stifling – and dangerous.  Many straight spouses of such people have found that once we know the secret, either through discovery or disclosure, great efforts are directed at keeping us silent – or should we choose to emerge from the marital closet, making sure that what we say is unbelievable.

Outrage is being shown on HBO this month.  It’s an opportunity to catch a controversial film about closeted homosexual politicians who consistently vote or advocate laws and policies that are not in the best interests of homosexuals.  Such powerful policy makers not only slam the closet door on themselves and their families, they manage to crush others caught in the emergence from that same closet.

Outrage features a few minutes with Dina McGreevey, as well as her ex husband, Jim McGreevey, the former governor of New Jersey.  Their story of emerging publicly from the closet in 2004 is well documented, as is the tragedy of the public spectacle of their divorce.  For many of us, that divorce and the publicity surrounding it was a lesson in what happens to straight spouses when we depart from the script of the gay partner, and speak with our own voice. It has been reported in several blogs that McGreevey was unhappy with the inclusion of his ex wife’s perspective in the film. We hope that is untrue speculation.  For straight spouses, her testimony to her personal experience in this film confirms what many of us have also experienced.

Jim McGreevey is now out of office.  Can you imagine the agony of a straight spouse whose husband or wife is still holding public office, or an important leadership position in business, clergy, or social policy making – and the silence they must keep or else risk humiliation, denial, and devastation?  How many of those are there?  We suspect that for every Dina McGreevey who is recognized and speaks out, there are several others who are unknown and suffer anonymously and in silence.

Today, we encourage all gay people to come out to their families.  If you are married to a straight person, come out, honestly, compassionately. If you are a young person who is not out to your parents or siblings, share your secret if you feel it is safe to do so – you may find that although they grieve the loss of their expectations, they will still love you.  Remember, as you come out, there are support groups for you and for your family.  Tell your straight spouse about us.  Tell your parents about PFLAG.

Today, if you are a straight spouse married to someone who is deeply closeted, come out of isolation by contacting the Straight Spouse Network. Our services are free, and completely confidential.  Come out of that closet enough to know that you are not alone.

By Janet Mc

There.  I don’t know how much more plain I can make it.  The Straight Spouse Network needs money, badly.  The Straight Spouse Network cannot exist without money.

Our last appeal so far has netted a grand total of  $3000 .  We have approximately $10467.00, to our name.  Approximately $10,400 of that amount sits in a CD.  If no more donations came in other than the above, SSN has about 4 months of life left.  Think about a day without SSN… no a lifetime with no SSN which is where we could be headed. No website, no phone contact, no F2F groups and much more.

No one makes money off SSN.  The phone company and the web host support the lifeline we provide to people reaching out for support.  Phone companies and web hosts do not give away their services to anyone.  The last we checked, the post office does not give away postage. We mail brochures, respond to correspondence, send Amity Buxton’s articles on request.  Sometimes a donation comes back.  That’s very much appreciated.

Incidental costs for face to face meetings, sending a speaker to address a group, networking with non profit supports – that takes gas.  This year gas is around $2.40 a gallon.  This time last year it was around $4 a gallon.  When someone fills up a tank in order to accomplish something for SSN, the gas station does not say, “OH! there’s a deserving non profit!  Here’s your freebie.”

There are costs involved in BEING a non profit.  Accountants.  Lawyers on occasion.  An annual board meeting.  We minimize these costs as best we can, but there are still costs.  We have staff – all part time, all with specific duties, all very minimal.  This organization could not have done the mammoth outreach we have accomplished in the past two years without the regular availability of staff.  This blog and this website are primary among those results.  Staff are being told to cut their hours by 25%.  Most only work 5 to 10 paid hours a week.

People have written books about being a straight spouse, surviving, coping.  We see none of that money, unless the sale is made through our link on Amazon.com.  We are not paid for our brief appearances on television or other media, yet SSN is the first place that reporters contact when they want the perspective of a straight spouse.

Are there celebrity straight spouses?  Sure.  Are they speaking publicly on our behalf?  When they can, which is not much.  Many cannot afford to be identified continually with this problem, or have reached legal agreements with their ex’s that make it impossible for them to do so.  It is a fashionable thing in Hollywood right now to support gay marriage.  If a celebrity were to make a big announcement about supporting us, there would be quite a few questions asked, including “there’s a support group for that?  Uh, so, did he/she need that help?”

Do we apply for grants? Sure!  We’ve received a few. We can make several thousand dollars spread a long way.  Yup.  Grants of several thousand dollars.  Not tens of thousands of dollars.  Several thousand dollars.  Oh, we apply to foundations, and are always looking for new streams of funding. We are now at a point in our development where we have a track record to interest larger funders.

But we have a unique problem – because we are a unique group.  If we offered general support for divorces or troubled marriages, we’d fall under the human services/family services category.  It was with that idea in mind that I visited the Foundation Center Library two years ago in New York City.  I was a novice at fundraising, so I asked the librarian for tips on searching for what we needed.  I described our group.  When I got the usual confused “There’s a group for that?” stare, I mentioned that we were like Dina McGreevey. The librarian indicated that she knew EXACTLY what I was talking about, and that we had a whole category for groups like us.  “Jackpot”! I thought.

The whole category was LGBTQ.  “But”, I protested, “We’re not gay”.  She assured me that for funding, this was all related and we would fit here.

She was right. We do fit there.  That’s where we’ve had the most success, because we don’t have to battle for recognition of what we do.  But the interests of LGBTQ funders are focused on marriage, gay youth, medical care, retirement options for elderly gay couples who don’t fit the usual nursing home scenario.  In other words, LGBTQ funders focus on the unique needs of gay people!  But in the world of non profits, this is the category where we fit.

We have a few donors who consistently come through.  Some of them are gay.  None are outrageously wealthy.  We will continue to apply for funding from community sources, individual donors, matching funds, private foundations.  But in the meantime, we need help, and we need it from you – our constituents.  We know that many of you are facing dire financial problems.

With me, this is personal.  I am a staff member here at SSN – I perform about 5 hours a week of clerical tasks and I edit this blog.  I was divorced 10 years ago, and my divorce and custody proceedings lasted 4 years.  It ended at the appellate level, where my ex’s continued requests for an iron clad 50/50 custody agreement were denied, and we were free to be a typical divorced family – the kids lived with me, saw their father regularly on Wednesdays and alternate weekends, and could go with him whenever they wanted.  My legal expenses for divorce and defending my custody of our children cost around $75,000 over a four year period.  I am impoverished, living in a new area, working a full time job that does not pay enough. I was unemployed for a while, like many of you.   I have a lot of debt – in fact, I am drowning in debt.  I focused most of my energy and money for the last ten years on my children’s survival, and not on me.  Consequently, I now have health issues.

So, like many of you, I cannot just write a check.  But I support SSN in the following ways:

1.  I donate SOMETHING every year.
2.  Last year when my car died, I turned a lemon into lemonade.  I donated my car. SSN got about $200.  I was surprised they got that much.
3.  I am selling my life on Ebay right now.  SSN gets a portion of the sale through Missionfish.
4.  I am rewriting my will.  I don’t think there will be much, but SSN will get something.  If my children predecease me, SSN will get it all.  Not that there is much.
5. Many of you in my face to face group and online communities know that I recently have taken up running.  I am not very good at it, and all the races I have done so far have been sponsored by specific charities.  This is an expensive thing to do, and SSN cannot afford to sponsor a race.  But, when I am ready for a public race, where I can raise money for my own cause, you will find me putting up a donation site on Firsgtiving where my friends can donate to SSN in support of me.  If you are currently a marathon runner and would like to set up a donation site for SSN, I can assist you. You can make it private, so that only the people you choose will know.

Being gay is not a choice, and being in a mixed orientation marriage is not something that many of us straight spouses would have chosen if we had known before the wedding that our spouse was gay, or what that really meant.  WE DO HAVE CHOICES in how we deal with our current situation.  We can choose to support the only non profit organization that is a direct, free resource for all straight spouses in the world.  Or we can whine about how gay people, government, and social services ought to pay up, how things are not fair, and go down with a high priced pity party.  NO ONE WILL SUPPORT US IF WE DO NOT SUPPORT SSN OURSELVES. If you have received help from SSN, networked with other straight spouses over several months or even years, or gotten over the hump and are getting on with your life now, we need you to remember us with a donation.

So stop whining and put your money where your mouth is.  Put up or we will be shut up.

YOUR CHOICE.