“Well, I’m not surprised.  What, you mean you didn’t know?  Oh, of course we all knew.  Well, see, I figured you knew and it was none of my business.”

So here’s the question that goes with the above answer: “HOW COME YOU DIDN’T TELL ME I WAS MARRYING A GAY PERSON IF YOU ALREADY KNEW?????”

Several awful things happen to the straight spouse who hears this kind of unsupportive acknowledgement.  First, it is an implied accusation of stupidity.  Second, the straight spouse realizes that the dishonesty is on several levels.  The shattering of trust extends outside the marriage, to family, friends, and anyone who “all knew”.  And third, it implies that they are just not that important.  The secret, or the covered up “no, it is so wrong to out someone” is more important than their life, health, and well being.

If you know that someone you care about is going to marry someone you suspect or know is gay, please share your concerns with them.  Tell them about the Straight Spouse Network.  They might not believe you, they might be offended, but later on, they might well need your help and support.

If you know that someone is gay, lesbian, or bisexual, and about to marry a person of the opposite sex, have an honest conversation with them about the effects on the straight spouse.  Sometimes straight people think they know about a bisexual spouse’s past and that it is ok, or even “hot”.  However, they really are unprepared for the reality of marriage with someone who cannot be completely satisfied with a partner of the opposite gender, no matter how great the sex is.

If you counsel couples before marriage, PLEASE ask the question.  During the discussions you have about sexual fidelity and past relationships ask “have either one of you ever experienced a sexual attraction to someone of the same sex?”.  The more that this is expected to be discussed, the more we can be out in the open about our experiences.  Sadly, many couples get married with little or no premarital counseling.

Yes, tell the truth. Don’t participate in the cover of a double life which is destructive to both members of the couple. Don’t play the game of enabling deceit and self delusion. Speaking of games….ask yourself, in the words of the classic game show, To Tell the Truth: “Will the REAL friend of this couple please stand up?”

The new year for many straight spouses means changes: new opportunities, new routines, new family life. Not all the changes are happy ones. Some are profoundly disturbing. The key is to look at these changes in our lives as new opportunities to learn, grow, and heal.

As we go forward in the new year, many straight spouses will face challenges of divorce, child custody, and the adjustment of all family members, including children and other relatives. They’ll face tremendous difficulties while coping with their own grief, loss, and anger. Some will bear the brunt of the anger of children and relatives, or the doubts of family and friends about themselves. It is not an easy path. The support of straight spouses by their peers is critical at this time.

The Straight Spouse Network is full of people who really do get it. Whether you are separating, divorcing, or remaining married we get it. Whether your spouse came out to you or continues to live in denial of the obvious, we get it. The peer support that we give face to face, on line, and on the phone is invaluable to straight spouses who face this monumental upheaval in their lives. So often we feel as though we are the only people in the universe with this experience, and wonder if something is really wrong with us. This is often confirmed by well meaning friends and family, and even counselors who are ignorant of our issues.

In putting our best foot forward, we benefit from the company of people who acknowledge our feelings and observations, and are unafraid and unashamed to share with us. We also benefit from resources provided by the Straight Spouse Network which we can share with supportive friends and family, our spouses, and our counselors.

The new year is always about new beginnings, new paths. No straight spouse has to go forward alone.

Holidays are wonderful times for families to get together and renew relationships, celebrate traditions, and share the latest news.  For straight spouses undergoing the stresses of divorce, or the recent discovery that a spouse is gay, those same holidays can be awkward and painful.  It can hurt to see traditions discarded, or to be excluded from family gatherings, or be told that the spouse has to be excluded or included.

Some new dilemmas for straight spouses include basic things, like “whose house are we going to for dinner and who will be there” to “telling the kids mom is gay” before or after the holiday, to a lack of money to keep up all the traditions.  They can be as complicated as “will Daddy bring the boyfriend to Grandma’s this year” or taking the kids shopping to buy a present for Mom’s girlfriend.  A straight spouse might feel a rush of anger at seeing an expensive present that was lavished on a boyfriend or girlfriend, that was never considered for them, or seeing the gay couple take the trip of a lifetime that the spouse had thought would be a special second honeymoon.

Then there are always the friends and relatives who have their own opinions about things – and express them loudly.  That could mean saying negative things about the gay spouse in front of the children, or a tentative hint around the kitchen table that “you can still be married, just live together like brother and sister”.  It can be the brother in law who keeps asking “ya want me to fix his car?” or the cousin who just CANNOT believe that this is true, and YOU must be mistaken.  Add to this family stew a gay spouse who is worried that nothing will be the same “because I’m gay and nobody accepts that”,  and your happy holidays turn into an occasion of dread.

How about those friends who are determined to be fair and friendly and invite you both to a party?  You venture out, and find your spouse there with a date – and the group of friends is affirming “coming out” but ignoring how devastating this is to you.  Isn’t it funny how the rules for divorcing heterosexual couples don’t apply to us?

The best advice we have for the holidays is to view them as an opportunity for new traditions affirming you and your values. Accept that things will be different.  The first year it is a discovery process, finding what works and what doesn’t.  After that, it does get easier.

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries with friends and relatives, and establish what is appropriate and what is not.  Tell the brother in law to fix YOUR car since you need help.  Tell the cousin that believe it or not, it’s true and you’re not discussing it right now. Tell the person who wants you to stay married that you can’t.  It really is not possible to ignore a gay spouse’s sexual activity, no matter how discreet.  It is different.  And if you are staying together, you are making your own rules.  Just don’t totally alienate people who truly love you.  Remember, they are struggling to understand what has happened, and want to know how to help you.

Holidays can be a bridge that we cross from an old life to a new one.  Sometimes it is a painful bridge, but we do get there!  The important thing is to keep going.

OK, so by now you’ve heard the news. 62 year old actress Meredith Baxter has announced that after all this time, she now knows she is gay. She decided to go public with this before the National Enquirer beat her to it, and after Perez Hilton commented about her being seen with her lesbian lover in his blog (in the category “gay gay gay”). 

Well, better late than never. Honesty is the best policy.

In an interview on the Today Show with Matt Lauer, Baxter said “”I am  a lesbian and it was a later-in-life recognition. Some people would say, well, you’re living a lie and, you know, the truth is – not at all. This has only been for the past seven years.”

Huh?

She ‘s been dating her current girlfriend for FOUR YEARS. And yet, she didn’t know she was gay.

No, seriously, we believe that, because we straight spouses hear that kind of thing all the time.

“I’m only a little gay.” “Well, all people are a LITTLE gay you know,and you are weird and narrow minded if you don’t think so”.  “Im learning about myself”.  “I’m exploring my sexuality”.  Heck, some straight women have even had their husbands say “Honey, I admit it. I’m a pervert. I have sex with men. But I’m not gay. And I’m not sure I’m bi.”

So we think it is great that at long last, Meredith has the self awareness to recognize the truth about herself. But we don’t buy into the idea that she wasn’t living a lie. Even if she swings both ways, denying this about herself for so many years amounts to a lie, especially in the context of what she has said about her three marriages:

“I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships. I assumed I was a bad picker…I assumed there were problems with the people I chose. It never occurred to me to think, oh, [the problem is] me,” she said.

We’ve heard that too, and we’re glad Meredith actually said it. It’s refreshing. The usual pattern for many of us is to discover that our  spouse is gay, and then be blamed for all the problems in the marriage  ANYWAY, because it wouldn’t have worked ANYWAY.

No matter what a straight spouse does in a marriage, a gay spouse is seldom going to be fully satisfied, because we cannot be the people  they need to  love. They may love us, we may love them, but we just  don’t have the right physical and emotional makeup to satisfy what  they want and need. Those of us who remain married know that these  relationships require complete honesty and more than a little  communication, and give and take.

Baxter was married three times. Her first marriage in 1966 to Robert  Lewis Bush lasted five years.  Her second husband, actor David Birney is probably the best known of her exes:  They starred together in the 1972 situation comedy “Bridget Loves Bernie”, and both had successful film and television careers. She married him in 1974, and the marriage ended in 1989. She married her third husband, Michael Blodgett, in 1995 and they divorced in 2000. She has five children from the first two marriages, all adults now.

Perhaps those men have moved on with their lives, perhaps not.  For any man who is now facing a “late in life lesbian” experience with his wife, please know that there is a support group here at the Straight Spouse Network for you, and there are PLENTY of men who have experienced this seemingly new phenomenon, and who are experiencing it now. So many straight spouses find we have common experiences in our marriages, even if we are all very different people. All contact is confidential,whether on line, on the phone, or in a private face to face meeting.

Of course, Meredith will be applauded for coming out, and finally being  honest with herself and with her family. Few people will care about the effect of her closeted sexuality on her three marriages to three very different men. Here at the Straight Spouse Network, we care. We continue to care, whether the media is paying attention or not. We ACTUALLY GET IT – THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE – including the conclusions people draw about us, our  sexuality, and our alleged shortcomings. We support one another, whether the discovery/disclosure happened yesterday or 20 years ago. The mutual support is important to our own healing, and our ability to help straight  spouses of both sexes and all racial, religious, and cultural backgrounds recognize that they are not alone – far from it!

Meredith concluded her interview on the Today show by recognizing that “this is a political act” and by coming out, she’s the “lesbian you know”, and perhaps you won’t vote to take away rights from gay people. We only wish that the political dialogue included our voices as well, about the effect of living long term in marriages to gay people who are closeted, even to themselves.

Still, Meredith Baxter’s coming out is a positive step. Perhaps now, as Elyse Keaton might have said “the personal is political”.