Book Review:
Mennonite in a Little Black Dress: A Memoir of Going Home
by Rhoda Janzen

Rhoda Janzen’s candid, hilarious memoir proves that you can always go home,
even when home is to your Mennonite parents. What problem can’t be cured with
a little borscht?

Rhoda is dealt two blows in a week’s time. She is in a horrific car accident and her husband leaves her for a man he met on gay.com. She decides to go home and nurse her wounds and her broken heart.

She finds comfort in the Four F’s: Family, Faith, Food and Flatulence. If you are expecting a book of self-pity, this isn’t it. Janzen’s humor and optimism shine through, even as she begins to reveal the horrors she endured before her road to recovery. After years away from her Mennonite upbringing she sees the religion through adult eyes.  It is a world she no longer fits into after higher education (Mennonites frown upon that) and 15 years of marriage to an atheist, but one she has fond memories of as well. The reader grows to love this quirky family just as she does. Don’t we all have family members who say inappropriate things at the dinner table or fart in public or cook cabbage 15 different ways? Well maybe not, but every family has their idiosyncrasies.

Janzen is sarcastic and unapologetic. She’s one woman finding her own path
after tragedy strikes. And I laughed the whole way there.

Reviewed by Cathy Wos

Happy Valentine’s Day.

That may be a very difficult thing to hear for many straight spouses, some of whom are just learning that their husband or wife is gay.  For many, the feeling of loss is compounded by the romantic reminders all around them.  It confirms that you’re nobody’s valentine because the person you married would rather have sex with someone of the same sex, and not with you or anyone who is built like you. Valentines day can be a very painful and depressing day for anyone experiencing a breakup.  It seems to throw insult on top of injury for many straight spouses, who at one point in their lives may have believed in romance.

So the question is, how does a straight spouse survive Valentine’s day?  The answer: do something for yourself.

That sounds simple enough, but it really isn’t.  Many straight spouses have become so enmeshed in the drama, that they have neglected to nurture themselves, and enjoy the things they like.  So Valentine’s day is a day to do what is good for you – and figure that out.

It may be tempting to just enjoy chocolate, alcohol, or sweets in excess, but that isn’t really treating yourself well.  Instead, meet with friends and have dinner together.  Go to a movie that you like that your spouse would never have seen with you.  Do something that you enjoy that you stopped doing because your spouse objected or was just so sour on it that it wasn’t fun anymore.  That might include phoning a friend or family, renting a video, or attending a concert.

Think baths with your favorite bath oil.  Maybe shopping for new clothing, or something that your spouse never liked that you do like.  Go shopping at your favorite store for yourself.  Go fishing.  Go running. Watch a marathon of a show that you like and your spouse never did.

Love yourself.

You will have a new appreciation of the love of others, and a new self respect.

One thing you can do for yourself if you have not done so already is to contact the Straight Spouse Network to be connected to other people who truly understand this experience, and reach out to help each other heal.

At long last, President Obama is taking action on his campaign promise to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  On Tuesday, February 2 he and Joint Chiefs chairman Admiral Mike  Mullen will appear before Congress and reveal the plan they have for fully integrating homosexuals into the armed forces.  The president is expected to issue an executive order halting the dismissal of service members who are gay when they are outed by a third party.

What does this have to do with straight spouses?

It means that those of us who are married to closeted homosexuals serving in the armed forces no longer need to ignore our own needs for counseling, disclosure, or medical testing for fear of the secret being discovered.  For families of closeted service members, disclosure means losing valuable income and benefits.  It means that a straight spouse cannot be blamed for ruining their spouse’s career and the family finances if they get help for themselves.

Oh good.  After tomorrow, we can talk.  About ourselves.  About our families.
Is Congress listening?  Maybe, we’ll see.

The Straight Spouse Network is the pre-eminent support group in the entire world for heterosexual husbands,  wives, and ex spouses of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered people.  Like it or not, we are family.  We are a peer to peer support group that functions in complete confidentiality.  We also are a resource for counselors and therapists who work with families to resolve the issues that are presented when a closeted spouse comes out, or when a straight spouse discovers that their husband or wife has a same sex attraction.

In the days ahead, the straight spouses and families of closeted members of the military will be needing help to make the adjustment to life outside the closet.  The Straight Spouse Network is here to provide that direct assistance to them, and to be resource for those family services professionals who will be working with them.