After the initial shock of discovering that we are married to a lesbian or homosexual man, we straight spouses find ways to process what we now know, and what it means in our lives. We talk. we cry. We shout. We listen. We shut down. And eventually, we open up to friends, counselors, clergy.
What happens then often shocks us. The gay spouse gets what we crave – affirmation, confirmation. Its good they came out. They are so brave. This is so hard. You cannot blame them for being closeted. It’s so difficult. Society is so terrible. Are you sure? How do you know? Well, why do you think THAT means your spouse is gay?
Very few people ask how we are doing and what we need. Those who do will often not keep asking. We are supposed to just get over it, because other people are very uncomfortable with the reality of our lives. Often counselors focus on helping the gay spouse or helping us understand the gay spouse.
We need help. We need understanding. We need affirmation.
Some of us DO find solace in understanding the experience of our gay spouses. Some of us need to create healthy distance, privacy, renew our acquaintance with ourselves. Some of us have been told that our marriages would have ended anyway, because we’re at fault for something. Whether it is appearance, sexual prowess, sensitivity, housekeeping, we are told “it takes two” when a marriage breaks up. We seldom hear that we could be perfect – and our spouses would still be unhappy because we are the opposite sex.
Some of us need to hear that no matter how good we are, we could not change the outcome of our marriages. Some of us need to hear that we ARE good. Some of us need to hear that no matter what our failings, our spouses are gay and this is a huge challenge for any marriage. Acknowledging this difficulty does not make us “haters” or “delusional” or “uncooperative”.
Sometimes we are surrounded by people who tell us how we ought to feel, what ought to happen. We ought to stay married. We ought to divorce. We ought to go to this particular counselor or program that will save our marriage. We ought to attend the gay pride parade. We ought to tell our children. We ought to NEVER tell our children because that’s up to the gay spouse alone.
What we really ought to do is be honest. Some of us will need to tell our children, in an age appropriate way, about why our homes are changing, even if the gay spouse does not approve. Some of us will tell children together with the gay spouse. Some of us will want to tell the children together, and find the gay spouse does it alone – and when we feel left out, marginalized, overlooked, many counselors and well meaning friends will tell us that we should never have done that anyway, it doesnt matter. We know it does matter.
Some of us will stay married. Some will separate right away. Its a process, and for many couples it is not a quick one. Perhaps the least helpful thing is for a straight spouse to hear that they should just divorce now because that is what will happen anyway. It doesn’t always happen. People have to work these questions out in their own way, in their own time.
The Straight Spouse Network provides a safe place for the straight spouse to sort out their reactions, needs, wants, desires. We won’t tell you to save your marriage. We won’t tell you that you should just save yourself a lot of trouble and file for divorce. The Straight Spouse Network will support and affirm you as you find what it is that you want and need – whatever that is today. Because we are a peer group, many of us will also have similar experiences to share with you.
You are not alone. Your perspective, perceptions, experiences, and questions matter.
So happy I found your blog. Have been dating a man for two years, we’re both in our 50′s. I discovered through his emails and Craigslist contacts that he’s bee receiving oral sex from men for over 5 years. The sad thing is, is that we have had a very satisfying sex life a minimum of four times a week, very loving caring, no arguments etc. I’m just so confused. This oral sex seems to happen when he’s on the road traveling with his job, per the email transmissions, and the fact that he was stupid enough not to delete his sent mail with sexual conversations with these men. It appears that he just receives the real and does not reciprocate the other person. I just don’t get it, because he has that at home. Any where you can direct me for support old be grateful .
Deb,
Let me share what I know as someone who has been involved in such activity. I suspect there can be a number of reasons why he has been engaged in this activity. First, there is a certain “thrill” that accompanies being in a hotel away from home; there can be a “rush” associated with searching and finding a person who will come participate in this activity, a lmost like a high you can get from running or from a drug. It could be that this has been such a part of his traveling routine that it has simply become habit. Going online and finding a willing participant is so so easy. I can say with a great deal of assurance that it has nothing to do with your satisfying sexual relationship. These hotel encounters are new, different and some way exciting. They are part of a secret life that no one knows, or knew until you discovered it. I can’t say how he viewed this activity without being in his head. I know in my situation that (sadly) I viewed it as entertainment. The entire process from posting online or responding to a post, to exchanging emails to actually setting up the encounter to greeting the unknown person at the hotel room door can be viewed as entertainment, with a certain level of thrill and excitement. I suspect to may who read this it may seem so utterly disjusting and vile. The process and the activity itself can and does become addictive. I can also serve to affirm the person receiving the attention in some way that is difficult to understand. This type of activity has become so casual that after awhile people involved become numb to the realities of consequences. Some people incorporate role play, which can be another way to create a thrill or intensify the high.
I am not a therapist and have limited advice to give. I do hope what I have shared here will be helpful to the reader. I do suggest that you sit down and have a calm face to face discussion with him. Demand the truth and require him to own his actions. If you cannot continue in the relationship if he continues these activities, that should becoming a defining boundary for you. I think a lot will depend on how he responds to your knowledge of this revelation. If he takes ownership, is truly sorry and genuinely agrees to seeks help for what may infact be an addiction, then you have the chance of working through this. You will also need to establish a way for him to be accountable if he expects to restore your trust. If he has been involved in this activity for 5 years (or more possibly), then it will not be easy to stop. I suspect it has become addictive behavior. He may not see it this way initially, but speaking from experience, once he does, it may have a significant impact on how he chooses to curtail future activity. I wish you well and hope some of this helps. He needs skilled counseling. If you care about him let him know this and try to curb any anger so he sees he has the chance to heal himself of this unhealthy addictive behavior. Grace and peace.
I am just beginning to read the articles and comments posted here. I can affirm as a man who has struggled since age 13 with same sex attractions, that it is not all this simple. As a man now in my 50s, I grew up in a different era and hated being attracted to guys. I never wanted to be in a relationship with a guy, but still had to deal with the sexual attraction. I have been in a 24 year wonderful marriage to a wonderful and beautiful woman. For the most part is has been more than I could have hoped for, but it was not without issues. Issues that we both contributed during the years that had nothing to do with my sexual desires. I will say with a great deal of authority and experience, there are many reasons that a marriage can struggle and either survive or fail, when one person experiences same sex attractions. But the same sex attractions (what you generalize as being “gay”) is NOT in every case the reason for the problems or the reason for the failure. You cannot generalize. What causes a man to seek affirmation or acceptance outside of married, although always a wrong and poor choice, can be the same for a str8 man as it is for one attracted to men. For women to say there was nothing they could do to meet his needs can be a form of denial in many cases. Situations are always different. A man having an affair with another man, who wants to leave his wife and family for his male lover is one thing. A man who went online seeking admiration, affection and acceptance from another man in a similar situation as his, is quite another. This man acting out and then getting caught up in addictive behavior is yet another. And this same man who gets help for his addiction, heals and wants desperately to rejoin his family and reconcile is yet another example. Please please don’t generalize. Please agree to counseling with aperson trained in this area. If your husband is sincerely sorry for the hurt and pain he has caused you and his family, give him the opportunity to prove himself……agree to look at what you contributed to the marriage that caused him to seek affection and appreciation elsewhere…. whether with another man or a woman. I can attest to the fact that men want desperately to be appreciated. That is part of their make up; is is how we are wired. Take time to understand what is important to a man and what is important to a woman in a relationship. Just because he failed, made a poor choice and had sex with a man or men, don’t throw away what could possibly be a future that may be better than your past! There is hope. Agree to focus on the problems and do the hard work. If you do, I hope that you find it will be worth it in the end!! As you read all of the posts here, read them with an openness and an understanding that they are in many cases stemming from the pain and anger or this hurtful situation. Recognize that not every situation is the same. Your situation may have similarities, but it IS unique. Don’t let others influence how you decide to live the rest of your life. Take time and space, seek well grounded experienced counsel and move forward. You may be surprised with the outcome. I hope and pray that you are. Grace and peace.
Jay
I agree with what you say and would like nothing more then this to be our outcome but fear all the fighting and arguing about the attraction the emotional affair and how we each will cope is going to take the chance away! Our counselor isn’t very experienced in the area and my husband thinks when I suggest we switch it’s for my own selfish reasons. Things have become so hard we fight all the time. I don’t know what to do where to go or even say anymore. Thank you for sharing it does help.
Hi as a married bi man I too wanted to comment. Please I really do empathize with the pain that wives feel. I just sometimes wish I could articulate the struggle facing the men.
FYI I actually told my wife before we were married that I was bi. We have ALWAYS talked the struggles along the way. That was 18 years ago.
But Here’s what I struggle with… its not the orientation per se but the living it.
First off I find most of the gay culture and straight spouse culture of NO help to me. The majority absolutely refuse to accept the concept of Bi. They may for PC reasons but ultimately I am left with “you are in denial.” The irony of this is that I am probably the deepest thinker that any of my world knows. I have spent a life time facing hard facts and trying to brutally and honestly address them. I am not in denial… our world just does not believe that I exist.
Now in this, I struggle with (im trying to use descriptive language here) two voids. My wife fills the one void in a way that I could never ask for more. The other remains empty and to be honest screams out to me constantly. I have had a relationship with a man and have had that sense of having both voids filled. It was one of the few times that I truly felt whole.
People tell me all the time to just choose. My goodness I struggle with this. Seems everyone wants to know if I am 60% gay 40% straight etc. I finally just started saying that I was 100% bi. How does one choose? To me choosing feels like I am trading one void for the other? I have chosen (my wife) and have been living that, but still feeling that other void so glaringly empty. I just have this deep deep sense that if I was to choose to leave my marriage and be with a man that I would feel the other void in much the same way. Strangely I have often wondered how those that do not believe that orientation is a choice think I can choose to be straight or gay anyways?
My wife is the most beautiful woman (inside and out). She deserves so much more than all of this struggle that I bring to her table. Still I love her so much and would be devastated if she were to finally have enough. Sometimes I fear the other void… not because I fear anything there… (god my life would be so much easier if I could just be gay) but I fear the power of its emptiness and the way that it can hinder me seeing and risking what I have. Still it is so very there and its pull is so strong.
My advice to any reading this. PLEASE don’t discount the reality of bi. Yes there are many men that use the label bi to express their transitions to coming out as Gay but that does not negate its reality. Yes orientation is a very real struggle… but my wife and I have had to long ago learn that it was not allowed to become the whipping post and excuse for everything. My straight friends are all splitting up and we have realized that many of the struggles we face are very similar to the same issues that they face and has nothing to do with orientation. My wife and I have recently taken the time to purposely note and acknowledge all of the benefits of being married to a bi man (and yes there are a lot!)
There are so many that would simply tell you to divorce a man that has “same sex attractions.” Often this seems to be the answer, but I am not always sure that this is the solution. This whole conundrum is based on cultures that have forced people to hide from themselves, live secrets and maintain destructive lies. I maintain that in any relationship (gay, straight or bi) there will always be something that could potentially devastate relationships. Instead find your answers in understanding self and in true love for the best interests for the ones we love.
Do remember that the experiences of people walking through this are still so recent in the grand scheme of history and that culture is changing so very fast to catch up. I truly believe that a hundred years from now when society has grown more, that gays will marry gays and straights will marry bis and bis will marry gays. But it will all be done within a different framework of thought and in seeking more of what we truly desire from a relationship.
Rob,
What you are saying about being Bi, sounds exactly like my husband. I knew before we were married, and he said he would stop. And he did for awhile. Now 7 years into our marraige, he is engaging in sexual relationships with other men. I am curious how you and your wife have gone so long. Do you know how your wife frames it in her mind? Are you able to have a physical relationship with your wife or do you just want to fill that “wife void” for everyrhing else that comes with it? Any insight would be helpful. I am a stay at home mom with young children. My thoughts overtake me some days. Thanks in advance.
Rob
I appreciate your comments about being a married man who is Bi. Two weeks ago my husband of 13 years told me he was attracted to men and always had been and he is deeply in love and attracted to me. I have been struggling with how this could be true or even possible. Your descriptions of how you feel about your wife and your continued attraction to men have brought me hope that maybe this may not be the end of what has been a fabulous marriage.
sarah