“Well, I’m not surprised.  What, you mean you didn’t know?  Oh, of course we all knew.  Well, see, I figured you knew and it was none of my business.”

So here’s the question that goes with the above answer: “HOW COME YOU DIDN’T TELL ME I WAS MARRYING A GAY PERSON IF YOU ALREADY KNEW?????”

Several awful things happen to the straight spouse who hears this kind of unsupportive acknowledgement.  First, it is an implied accusation of stupidity.  Second, the straight spouse realizes that the dishonesty is on several levels.  The shattering of trust extends outside the marriage, to family, friends, and anyone who “all knew”.  And third, it implies that they are just not that important.  The secret, or the covered up “no, it is so wrong to out someone” is more important than their life, health, and well being.

If you know that someone you care about is going to marry someone you suspect or know is gay, please share your concerns with them.  Tell them about the Straight Spouse Network.  They might not believe you, they might be offended, but later on, they might well need your help and support.

If you know that someone is gay, lesbian, or bisexual, and about to marry a person of the opposite sex, have an honest conversation with them about the effects on the straight spouse.  Sometimes straight people think they know about a bisexual spouse’s past and that it is ok, or even “hot”.  However, they really are unprepared for the reality of marriage with someone who cannot be completely satisfied with a partner of the opposite gender, no matter how great the sex is.

If you counsel couples before marriage, PLEASE ask the question.  During the discussions you have about sexual fidelity and past relationships ask “have either one of you ever experienced a sexual attraction to someone of the same sex?”.  The more that this is expected to be discussed, the more we can be out in the open about our experiences.  Sadly, many couples get married with little or no premarital counseling.

Yes, tell the truth. Don’t participate in the cover of a double life which is destructive to both members of the couple. Don’t play the game of enabling deceit and self delusion. Speaking of games….ask yourself, in the words of the classic game show, To Tell the Truth: “Will the REAL friend of this couple please stand up?”