New York National Guardsman Lt Dan Choi in Baghdad
Lt Dan Choi was discharged from the United States Army today for the crime of revealing that he is homosexual.
You may remember Lt. Choi, as we wrote about him earlier in this blog. Members of our group had the pleasure of meeting him at an event in Rockland County, NY. Choi is a graduate of West Point, and has been twice deployed to Iraq. He is an Arabic linguist, with skills that are in high demand.
But he’s gay. And he’s honest about it. So he’s gone. Honorably discharged for a reason that requires him to be dishonorable, and dishonest.
What does this mean for straight spouses and our families? Plenty.
While Lt. Dan Choi and others who serve honorably are required to be discharged under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell if they disclose that they are homosexual, there are plenty of straight spouses who are married to gay people who are still active in the military. They are unable to seek help for themselves because they are afraid of outing their spouse, and losing the benefits active military and their dependents rely on. They are afraid to get counseling, see a lawyer about divorce, or confide in a friend, for fear that someone will “tell” and their family will be financially ruined.
Some of those wives are in abusive relationships, and know about the homosexual activity their husbands are engaged in, both on base and while deployed. They suffer in silence, afraid, isolated, cut off from the normal support systems of military families, because they are terrified that someone else will learn the secret. The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy actually enables spousal abuse.
Gay people who have families with a partner cannot divulge that relationship. If they are killed in action, it may be days before the partner knows. The partner is not notified, because after all, there are no gay people allowed to serve in the military. The partner cannot legally marry them, even in states where gay people can be legally married, because that would be telling. The partner does not receive survivor benefits, and they and their children cannot take advantage of support systems for families of deployed soldiers. After all, people who serve in the military are not gay, remember?
As the government sanctioned oppression of all spouses and partners of active duty soldiers who are gay but not supposed to be continues, we here at the Straight Spouse Network wish nothing but the best for Lt. Choi. We are confident that he will continue to display the honor, valor, courage, and honesty he has shown in service to his country. We also have reason to believe he will continue to practice the West Point Honor Code “A cadet will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do” in all his future endeavors.
I am all for repealing DADT.
I have a cousin who whose story is so similar to mine that it is eery. However, one difference is that her gay husband is abusive – emotionally abusive. Her husband is active military. So, she suffers in silence and refuses to see a counselor. She states that she does not know for sure if her husband is gay, but suspects it. She has only told me about it, as she trusts me because I am in a similar situation. Other family members also feel that he may be gay. I feel badly for her, but she won’t leave him, at least not anytime soon, and is in a bit of denial. I am worried about her, as I know she has sexual relations with him, and I am pretty sure he is sleeping around men. I think she just doesn’t know what to do, which is common in mixed-orientation marriages, but even more difficult for her as both she and her husband’s survival depends her staying quiet.
Thank you Nyckie. You are a very important source of support for her. There are many people who contact the Straight Spouse Network who aren’t quite sure, but it is a safe place to ask the questions that no one else will answer – or allow you to ask.
I ran across this quote today – how sad.
“The most important thing I’ve learned here is how to be a good actor.”
–Anonymous gay cadet at the United States Military Academy at West Point, as quoted by The New York Times