Straight spouses are entitled to know if their husband or wife is being unfaithful to them with a same sex partner. It also is helpful for them to know if a gay husband or lesbian wife is unsure of their sexuality. Many straight spouses blame themselves for any sexual dysfunction in a marriage. It can be a relief to know that no matter how fat, thin, bald, attentive, or attractive they are, no matter what kind of surgery they have had or physical changes, no matter how many babies, no matter how perfect or imperfect – the reason that the the spark isn’t there is because their husband or wife prefers to have sex with someone of their same gender.
So how do you tell your husband or wife that you are gay, or at least not completely heterosexual? How do you tell them that you aren’t sure but you think so?
Honestly. And with kindness, compassion, and all the love you can.
This is not a conversation to have on Valentines Day, your wedding anniversary, someone’s birthday, a major holiday, or any day that gets commemorated annually or is a special celebration. Choosing to have this conversation on those days, because that is when you have time to be together, will ruin the celebration or commemoration of those days for your spouse for years to come. It will always coincide with the anniversary of when they learned the painful truth. But there are plenty of other days to have this conversation, and the sooner the better.
Some GLBT people think it is kinder to disclose their sexual realization in small doses. It really isn’t. Your husband or wife deserves to know the real truth about who you really are. This isn’t the time to list their many faults, or go over what they could have done differently to make the marriage better. This is about you telling them who you really are.
If you’re not sure, say so.
If you are a man who has had an affair or is seeing someone, or you have had anonymous sex in a park or public restroom, please say so. Even if you are being so careful so you just know that no one will get HIV from you. Your wife is entitled to know. Despite assurances of nothing to worry about because you were careful, a straight wife will likely get tested – for her own health, safety, and satisfaction about her own health and future. And she’ll probably be very angry that she is in a position of needing to be tested, particularly if she has been faithful to you.
A straight husband or wife is entitled to know that you are GLBT because they are a person in their own right who needs to make decisions about how they will live their lives in the light of the truth about their marriage to you. Some may tell you what they want to do right away, others may just be stunned and emotional, and totally blown away by the information. But they need to know. Honesty is the best, and healthiest, policy for you both. And kindness, courtesy, sympathy, listening, and understanding go a long way. Maybe not right away, but they do help to smooth later conflicts.
Coming out in a mixed orientation marriage is a bit different than coming out as an individual. There is a partnership, a family, and obligations. These don’t go away just because you realize that you are homosexual. Your coming out is a family affair when you are married – and your spouse may not be as ready to come out as you are. Your husband or wife may want to be more open about it, and not remain the keeper of someone else’s secret. Regardless of the outcome, straight spouses deserve to know. When you are honest, you can then work out through counseling what the ground rules are for you and the family being out of the closet, or remaining discreet depending on what is best for all of you.
Remember, even if you are realizing your true sexuality later in life, you have had your whole life to figure this out about yourself. Your spouse has had maybe only a few minutes, a few months, a few years. It will take time to sort it all out, process the grief, anger, and for some the shame and self doubt, before they come to an acceptance and are ready to move forward. For many people, it can take years to work through all of this. There are no easy answers, no quick fixes.
When you come out to your husband or wife, please tell them that there is support for them through the Straight Spouse Network. Tell your therapist about our resources for counselors of mixed orientation couples. And most important, tell the honest truth about yourself.
Relationships are challenging even when you are on the both page sexually. It is so much more challenging when you differ on this fundamental and basic human drive. When I came out to my wife I have never cheated on her – I have still never been with a man during our relationship. However, the knowledge that I was sexually attracted to men seemed to be as big of an issue as me sleeping around.
However, today it is the honesty that keeps our relationship strong. I understand that most relationships don’t survive after this revelation. I can understand why it might be better to go in separate paths. But, it was not something that we wanted to do.
I cannot tell the future. I don’t know if we will continue to grow together. However, I believe that if ever we parted now it would be as friends who 100% care about the other’s future and happiness. I believe this was the result of honesty with my wife. I do not hide anything from her, and she it brutally honest about her feelings.
Several months ago I came out to my wife. She found emails and discovered I had been having an affair with another man. My wife and I had always been the best of friends, but for the few years leading up and during the affair we had grown very distant and I had had many personal tragedies which I felt like she ignored and was unwilling to help me.
My wife also knew I had had a boyfriend when I was in college and I never hide that fact about my sexuality. She had also experimented herself. Now I don”t doubt for a minute she is a heterosexual. She just isn’t repulsed by homosexuals. However this affair went on for over a year and in some degrees it was very intense. When my wife was close to finding out about it he dumped me for fear of his own wife finding out.
My wife and I have since made up and are very close friends again, but there is no trust there and much resentment. I have blantantly told her I am without a doubt gay. She has questioned me how gay am I. Well, I’m gay enough to love another man and figure out that I don’t have any hang ups about it anymore. Some fool asked me could I see myself sitting on the front porch when I’m 70 with another man. Right now I don’t even visualize myself on a front porch because I’m not that kind of person period. Nor do I see myself partying it up in the gay bar.
I guess what I’m looking for here is how do I make her understand she needs to move on with her life? Why would any woman want to be married to me? I have point blank asked this. WHY? I’ve read the blogs about recovering from an affair, but this is a double whammy. I also read on the affairs blogs it takes time. Yeah, it’s taken me 40 years to figure out I’m gay and I doubt another year or two will change that.
I have given my wife a very stable and loving home and we also have a young son. She was raised in a house where the father was gone most of the time because her mother is crazy. I do feel that she can’t accept this part of her life is ending. I don’t think anything will be the same and I personally feel that we could be better parents and friends living separate. God only knows I’m wanting feedback here.
Hopeless in NY
Thanks for commenting, and we hope you are not so hopeless. You can only be responsible for your own feelings and reactions. While being considerate of her, you cannot control how she will react. If you have been honest with her and supportive of her, that is a plus.
You might want to tell her to check out the resources we have on this site – it is up to her if she wants further support. You might want to check out some of them too. We have a forum where you might find some more direct and immediate feedback. http://www.straightspouse.org/forum.php
ok- I need some help from the men. Recently I discovered that my fiance’ is either bi-sexual or gay. I set up a date for him on CraigList in the Missed Connections section and he showed up to meet me in the men’s room. I also found him daily many many times a day- looking at the postings. I love this man. We have been together for 4 years. We have sex every day. His divorce cost him $300,000.00. He almost lost custody of his two boys due to the fact that his wife went into angry orbit with terrible court motions. She hurt my fiance’ so very much. He is a good, solid man. Lovely. Gracious. His wife tormented him as well as me to ad nauseum. Ridiculous anger.So………
I moved to NY to be with this wonderful human, left my hubby of 23 years, lost the respect of my two children who are in their own orbit of anger, closed my law practice… My three sisters refuse to speak to me since I left my husband. My fiance’ and I are hissed at within our NY small town community. We have both given up a lot to be together. I am very open about folks being who they want to be so my question to the men is this:
Why would a gentleman who has watched me give up so much and he in turn has given up so much to be with me not come out at this juncture? Why not simply remain in that marriage and do his own thing???How is it possible to lie to me so much about something at his very core? I would not be angry. Not one bit. He denies, even when he met me on the Missed Connections date and even when I checked his IP address with software to see where the CraigList responses were coming from to me as the fake posting.
Any advice???
cowgirlsquire, I think you should network with others to find the answers to your questions. Go to the top navigation bar on the website http://www.straightspouse.org, click on “find support” and click on “personal contact”. Fill in the form, and someone will be in touch with you by email to let you know where there might be a face to face support group in your area. Your information is confidential. Really, we take confidentiality very seriously. You will also find on the “Find support” dropdown menu some other links, such as our public forum, and private email groups.
None of us really know why gay men do not come out to their wives and partners. Sounds like your guy is living a double life, and has compartmentalized it all.
Focus on you and what you need.
And it is really ok to be angry about this. Don’t hold it in, you will only hurt yourself.
One thing I hope straight spouses will try to understand is that those of us who are gay spouses in this generation, we didn’t have the resources you see now, we didn’t have Ellen Degeneres and George Takei and Dan Savage to give us hope and courage. When we were growing up, the word “gay” was synonymous with “AIDS.”
So if we had even an inkling of who we were, we buried it, because we had to. Maybe in future, there will be no need for closets.
But in the meantime I am breaking my husband’s heart, my dearest friend, because I’ve finally understood what all those “little things” added up to. I *am* gay, and I want to tell you a little something now about how someone can be gay and not know.
Fear of girly dresses? Psh, that was from the molestation when I was 9. He had big hands, I was wearing a dress.
Fear of penises? Well, let’s just chalk that up to the molestation too. Also, they always looked out of place to me, like putting a Hello Kitty sticker in the middle of a Van Gogh.
Love of men’s clothing and fashion? I was a tomboy! It was easier! Men’s clothes are more comfortable, yadda yadda.
Disinterest in sex? Any number of medical conditions I’ve suffered over the years (and their corresponding libido-killing treatments) are to blame for that. Ooh, and let’s add fatigue. And too much homework. And mismatched schedules.
Crushes on women? Don’t we all have those? They said it was just a phase I’d get over. That it was about identification – you don’t WANT them, you want to BE them. And women’s bodies are lovely, no doubt about it. But I enjoyed looking at men, too. Sorta. I didn’t like them touching me, but I liked them as people.
Listening to feminist musicians? I am woman, hear me roar, you can totally be a straight feminist…
Cutting off my hair? My long, long hair? Again, medical issue – I was losing hair like crazy anyway – what’s wrong with cutting to the chase? Nevermind that even after the hairloss stopped, I kept it short. Boy-short.
I fell for a coworker, she got under my skin, I convinced myself it was because she was a narcissist that she commanded my attention, not that I was crushing on her.
But then I felt something stirring…for a female…and that was the glue that stuck all the pieces together, and I realised WHY it hurt so much to be straight…I talked to other straight women, even bi women, who said they didn’t feel the way I did. That their love for men was joyous, that it was primal and physical as well as emotional, that it didn’t make them feel inadequate. I realised that my love for women was as joyous as their love for men. Nature had spoken.
We are in the process of redefining our lives. He mourns the future loss. I mourn the past. I mourn the fact that he is such a loving person, who has been living a half-life for my sake, and I tell him – I will love him forever, be his best friend and biggest fan, but it’s a WIFE he needs, not a half-wife!
I don’t know how to help him, I can only stand by and watch him grieve, and try to care for us both. I feed him when he forgets to eat, I keep the house going as best I can, I make sure he gets chances to socialise and make new friends…what more can I do?
I haven’t been offically told that my husband is GB, as he stated he needed to speak to his therapist first and after he speaks to him, he will then tell me what his problems are. I have asked the appropriate questions and have had this discussion with him prior to being married, after being married, and even now, but he denied it. Now, he is not denying it, he just says that he needs to speak to his therapist before he discloses his depression issues. I feel hurt and betrayed, that being lied to no matter what your orientation is does not feel good.
How could anyone who is GBTG, keep that from their straight partners, why couldn’t you just be honest? At this moment I don’t know what I am feeling, I am newly married, and I am away from my spouse due to an immigration concern, so I am dealing with a lot of things that are making me feel crazy inside. I hate him for hiding this from me especially since I informed him of my distrust and fear of being with a down-low or gay man. I have always supported open communication. My husband informed me that he is dealing with something inside of him, and its not me. He stated that he felt that marrying me would help him focus more and fight the feelings inside of him (the feelings that I have assumed are feelings of bi-sexuality or being Gay).
At this time I am confused, I honestly feel like it is definitely over, but for some strange reason I don’t want it to be. I want him to say that he can work through this, and will try to remain in a monog. marriage and try to see at least if this is something that we can work through with counseling. I then think that he will always have those thoughts in the back of his mind, and as the years progress, it will be even harder to deal with. I have resentment now to BG men who destroy lives, and those that choose to lie and hide their true feelings and intentions.
ANY ADVICE..I’m struggling to deal with this.
Hi Confused,
Your feelings are very normal. His desire to sort it out with a therapist is understandable – but your needs for communication and affirmation are immediate. One session with a therapist will not resolve the need for communication with you. It sounds like the delay is eroding your confidence in the relationship further. If you are both committed to staying in the marriage you may want to seek counseling together.
Please explore the resources on this site, and dont be afraid to reach out for help and support. You are not alone.
Tobin, your comment was beautifully written. My favorite was: “penises always looked out of place to me, like a Hello Kitty sticker in the middle of a Van Gogh.” I’m straight and could never relate to women who describe their man’s “beautiful prick”; you’re the first I’ve ever met who expressed my feelings exactly! God bless you.
I agree. Tobin, your comment hit home. I have just told my husband that I am gay and am trying to direct him toward this site. I wish I had found this blog post earlier but I didn’t realize that I could find resources for myself here, and until I told my husband I didn’t think we needed this site… Little did I know. I also feel exactly like Pknows. Right now, my husband is telling me he would rather be celibate than lose me, yet I know that is not a realistic situation. It seems that it would be best to leave him now rather than continue to cause hurt over time, but he is holding on so tightly that I don’t know if I could even squeeze out, let alone if I should.
I think my wife is sexually attracted to other women. While cleaning I found her stash of dozens of men’s magazines. She hasn’t offered an explanation. She is only angry that I’ve been cleaning the spare room. She isn’t affectionate. Hasn’t been in years. She isn’t comfortable with me at all. She sleeps in her own room and has for years. She is fascinated/reads books about gay/lesbians and is a big fan of gay/lesbian entertainers. Our sex life has progressively reached zero with zero expectations. I am strong and I’ve kept myself is good shape and am have been told I am an attractive man. And I do want/need affection. I’ve told her this for years. No effect.
A few years ago while cleaning her bathroom I found a smaller stash. She played it off and I let it slide thinking little about it. I feel like I’ve been a fool. I’ve decided to bring it up to her today to see what she has to say for herself. I am a calm and forgiving person. She has nothing to fear. I hope she will be honest though I’d be surprised. Wish me luck.
Dear John,
I so feel for you. I was recently told by my boyfriend of 22 years that he is gay. I am 54, and a large woman, so it has devestated me. Another twist, I am married to someone else. My husband has basically been my brother, and my boyfriend like a husband. I am so freaked out. We have agreed to stay together platonically and monogamously (he has not had relations with a man), but I am stunned. I wish the best for you. I will probably get divorced from my husband/brother now, and will be totally alone. I hope you find love where and when you need it.