Straight spouses are entitled to know if their husband or wife is being unfaithful to them with a same sex partner.  It also is helpful for them to know if a gay husband or lesbian wife is unsure of their sexuality.  Many straight spouses blame themselves for any sexual dysfunction in a marriage.  It can be a relief to know that no matter how fat, thin, bald, attentive, or attractive they are, no matter what kind of surgery they have had or physical changes, no matter how many babies, no matter how perfect or imperfect – the reason that the the spark isn’t there is because their husband or wife prefers to have sex with someone of their same gender. 

So how do you tell your husband or wife that you are gay, or at least not completely heterosexual?  How do you tell them that you aren’t sure but you think so?

Honestly.  And with kindness, compassion, and all the love you can.

This is not a conversation to have on Valentines Day, your wedding anniversary, someone’s birthday, a major holiday, or any day that gets commemorated annually or is a special celebration.  Choosing to have this conversation on those days, because that is when you have time to be together, will ruin the celebration or commemoration of those days for your spouse for years to come. It will always coincide with the anniversary of when they learned the painful truth.  But there are plenty of other days to have this conversation, and the sooner the better. 

Some GLBT people think it is kinder to disclose their sexual realization in small doses.  It really isn’t.  Your husband or wife deserves to know the real truth about who you really are.  This isn’t the time to list their many faults, or go over what they could have done differently to make the marriage better.  This is about you telling them who you really are.

If you’re not sure, say so.

If you are a man who has had an affair or is seeing someone, or you have had anonymous sex in a park or public restroom, please say so.  Even if you are being so careful so you just know that no one will get HIV from you.  Your wife is entitled to know.  Despite assurances of nothing to worry about because you were careful, a straight wife will likely get tested – for her own health, safety, and satisfaction about her own health and future. And she’ll probably be very angry that she is in a position of needing to be tested, particularly if she has been faithful to you. 

A straight husband or wife is entitled to know that you are GLBT because they are a person in their own right who needs to make decisions about how they will live their lives in the light of the truth about their marriage to you.  Some may tell you what they want to do right away, others may just be stunned and emotional, and totally blown away by the information.  But they need to know.  Honesty is the best, and healthiest, policy for you both.  And kindness, courtesy, sympathy, listening, and understanding go a long way.  Maybe not right away, but they do help to smooth later conflicts.

Coming out in a mixed orientation marriage is a bit different than coming out as an individual.  There is a partnership, a family, and obligations.  These don’t go away just because you realize that you are homosexual.  Your coming out is a family affair when you are married – and your spouse may not be as ready to come out as you are.  Your husband or wife may want to be more open about it, and not remain the keeper of someone else’s secret.  Regardless of the outcome, straight spouses deserve to know.  When you are honest, you can then work out through counseling what the ground rules are for you and the family being out of the closet, or remaining discreet depending on what is best for all of you. 

Remember, even if you are realizing your true sexuality later in life, you have had your whole life to figure this out about yourself.  Your spouse has had maybe only a few minutes, a few months, a few years.  It will take time to sort it all out, process the grief, anger, and for some the shame and self doubt, before they come to an acceptance and are ready to move forward.  For many people, it can take years to work through all of this.  There are no easy answers, no quick fixes. 

When you come out to your husband or wife, please tell them that there is support for them through the Straight Spouse Network.  Tell your therapist about our resources for counselors of mixed orientation couples.  And most important, tell the honest truth about yourself.

The attention that is paid to straight spouses of closeted homosexuals is often scant, or only given in response to other problems surrounding the painful experience of discovering such deception. One of the problems that appears to be getting recognition currently is the prevalence of AIDS among African American women between the ages of 25 and 34.  AIDS is the number one killer of women in this group.  

One problem is that health care providers ask women if they have had sex with a man who has used IV drugs or who has had sex with other men.  Women can only answer this in the affirmative if they actually know what their partner or husband has been doing.  So, if a woman is married to a man who is leading a double life, her health is at risk because she is faithful and trusting.  Being faithful in a monogamous marriage is generally not considered risky behavior.  But if the woman’s husband and his family and friends are lying to her, she is at great risk.  Because women assume that their husband is being faithful, they don’t ask a husband to wear a condom when having marital relations.  Their husband’s deception can kill them. 

This problem has received special attention among African Americans, and has drawn some scrutiny for the lifestyle choice known as “the downlow” or “DL”.  Men on the DL have sex with other men, are married or in relationships with women, but do not consider themselves to be gay.  They usually hide the homosexual relationship from their wife or girlfriend, as do their friends and partners.  When asked if they are “in the closet” they often respond that gay men are closeted, but they’re not gay. 

The effect on wives of men on the downlow was recently discussed by Amity Buxton and the Straight Spouse Network’s Spouses of Color Coordinator, Sharon, in an interview with Dr. Nathaniel Wilson of the Atlanta Center for Family Wellness.   You can listen to this conversation here. 

Whether on the “downlow” or “in the closet”, the experience for heterosexual women is a common one – anger and pain at being deceived and rejected as a woman, and exposure to a deadly disease with little or no regard for their well being.   There’s no simple way to determine if a husband is having sex with men, and the experiences are diverse and complex. 

People who find that their husband or wife is having a same sex relationship often feel that they cannot talk to family, friends, clergy, or counselors about their marriage.  They often encounter judgement, or avoidance.  The Straight Spouse Network is here to help foster these discussions, promote constructive healing, and give support to families in these difficult and increasingly dangerous situations.

The phenomenon known as the “down low” has received some well deserved attention in recent weeks.  Television spots and articles are highlighting the publication of Joy Marie’s book The Straight-Up Truth About the Down-Low: Women Share Their Stories of Betrayal, Pain and Survival. This book is a supportive resource for women whose husbands and partners are having sex on the down low- acting as heterosexuals by day but having sex with men at night.  It is a very personal and thorough discussion of a painful experience that is not spoken of too often.  On her website, readers share their stories.  They are sadly familiar to anyone who has networked with a support group.

 Recently, Joy appeared on Fox’s The Mike and Juliet Morning Show with Lisa Durden – director of the movie “PROJECT WOW: Men On The Down Low“, Dr Monica Sweeney, the assistant commissioner of the  bureau of HIV prevention and control, and Terrance Dean,  author of Hiding in Hip Hop.  A video clip of the program can be seen here in two parts.

 Something that all straight spouses can identify with is the emphasis on deception which Joy brought to the program.  When Terrence Dean was describing his experiences with men as being loving, Joy made sure that the entire truth of what sex on the down low often means.  She said “Stop with the loving, having protected sex – you guys are having sex in restrooms, public rest rooms, in parks, mall rest rooms, and then you come home to your “loving wife”.”  Terrence correctly responded that individuals are responsible for their own behavior – and then he told Joy that women should take responsibility for safe sex as well.   “I should use a condom in my marriage?  No, YOU should not deceive and betray innocent, unsuspecting women”, Joy responded to applause.  The other experts on the program said that a woman should have sex with a condom in marriage – because contrary to the story Terrance was telling, down low men do not use condoms when having sex with other men, so as to not face the reality that they are “gay”. 

 The program concluded with the introduction of LaJoyce Brookshire, bestselling author Soul Food and now her personal story, Faith Under Fire, who told of being married to a man on the downlow who is now dead from AIDS.  She did not know when she married him that his first wife had died of AIDS as well.   She too recounted a description familiar to many straight wives,  of marriage to a homophobic, verbally abusive, deeply disturbed man.  LaJoyce said to always ask questions, which she did not ask her husband, about his previous experience. 

 The conversation about the down low as it pertains to women is mostly about AIDS which is the number 1 killer of African American women between the ages of 25 and 34.  The down low certainly contributes to this statistic.  What is often NOT discussed is the emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, and social toll on the heterosexual woman as well as the risk for AIDS. 

 We give a great big shout out to Joy and LaJoyce for telling their stories and encouraging  others to share theirs.