Tracy Lawanda

We’d like to thank Tracy Lawanda for her excellent interview of Amity Buxton on her blog Aword4U. The interview was featured on BlogtalkRadio.  Amity appears approximately 10 minutes into the show. This is a Christian show, and Tracy asked a lot of great questions of Amity. Much of the discussion centers around truth in marriage.

Amity tells the story of her own marriage, and also of the history of the straight spouse network. What is interesting in this interview is that they discuss a variety of situations, such as marriages that stay together, the number of men who seek support after learning their wives are lesbians, and how others can support the straight spouse. Some of the more difficult questions concern straight women who blame themselves for their husband’s homosexuality, and that homosexuals cannot change their orientation. Learning to figure out who you are, and what you value, and finding the support of those who have gone before you in this situation is vital to healing and moving forward. This discussion is very frank, and covers many of the questions that people have about how a straight person can wind up being married to a gay person in the first place.

The Straight Spouse Network is unique in that we support all straight spouses, male, female, young, old, married, divorced. We come from all walks of life, different religions, cultures, beliefs. Yet, we have this common bond of understanding the process, experience, and unique problems of being married to a gay person who is closeted, living on the down low, and the effect on us and our families.

Our thanks to Amity and to Tracy for spreading the word about the help and support we offer to all straight spouses.

During the holiday season, we often have time to read and reflect – or we make time to do this.  Here are a few selections which are of interest to straight spouses and those who wish to offer support to us and our families.  Whether your are looking for information, affirmation,  or coping strategies in your reading material,  you likely will find it among this assortment of books currently sold at Amazon.com

The Other Side of the Closet – by Amity Buxton. This groundbreaking book was published in 1994 and based on over 1000 accounts.   It presents a variety of scenarios for heterosexuals of both genders, and is very much in depth about the ongoing family challenges and reactions.  A must have for anyone going through this experience, or seeking to understand the experience of a loved one in a mixed orientation marriage. 

When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual (Glbt Family Studies) by Carol Grever and Deborah Bowman.  Just published this year, this manual by the author of My Husband is Gay: A Woman’s Survival Guide offers therapeutic self help techniques along with true stories illustrating a variety of situations and responses.  It offers helpful self realization that the damage heterosexual women feel is not permanent, and hope for the continuing future. 

 My Ex is Having Sex With Rex by Jennifer Lee.  An honest and refreshingly candid account of the struggles within a mixed orientation marriage, subsequent divorce, and the author’s experiences with dating and moving forward.  A very easy and enjoyable read.

 On the Up and Up: A Survival Guide for Women Living with Men on the Down Low by Brenda Stone Browder and Karen Hunter Brenda Stone Browder is probably best known as the ex wife of J.L. King, author of On The Down Low:  A Journey into the Lives of Straight Black Men Who Sleep with Men.  This book, published in 2005, tells her story of her marriage, her discovery of her husband’s homosexual behavior, and her journey toward recovery, forgiveness, and healing.  She offers an important perspective for any discussion of issues related to “The Down Low”.  Since completing a tour of speaking engagements with her ex husband entitled “A Conversation of Reconciliation” she has developed a series of seminars for women entitled “You are Not Alone: Women’s Empowerment – Mind, Body, and Spirit”

 A more recent book about the Down Low is Straight Up Truth About the Down Low by Joy Marie.  This is a well written personal account of personal experiences,  written with the intent of making women aware of the sexual practices of men in the down low lifestyle, how to recognize the problem, and how to avoid placing themselves at risk for HIV and other diseases.  The Straight Up Truth website includes some interesting comments by other women who have shared this experience. 

     By Amity Buxton

It’s time to go back to the beginning, I think, to clarify why straight spouses need to be heard in the current conversations about social justice swirling around us. It is not because they are overlooked, which they are. Rather, straight spouses want desperately to share their wide lens on what happens to their families when their husbands or wives come out. Every family member — they, their gay or lesbian partners, and their children — is hurt by antigay sentiments and action, such as constitutional amendments and laws that limit legal marriage to that of a man and women.

Up to two million gay men and lesbians in the United States have followed the traditional idea that marriage is limited to a man and a woman and have entered a presumably heterosexual marriage usually without the straight spouse’s knowledge of their sexual orientation and often without the gay or lesbian spouse’s acknowledgment or realization. They marry because they truly love their fiancés and want to raise a family and also to meet societal expectations. Their faith communities, families, and society in general expect that marriage will occur in almost everyone’s life and that it would, of course, be with someone of the opposite gender. While many gay men and lesbians now do not feel a need to follow the traditional pattern, a number still do. So, don’t stop reading

Once they marry a straight person, most lesbians and gay men struggle to suppress or deny their same-sex attraction and become totally involved in the marriage and parenthood. However neither prayer nor practice changes their sexual orientation. For most, their internal struggle escalates, often reaching severe depression, until something happens to change the pattern. The children finish school and leave home, or they meet someone socially or at work, or the Internet invites them to explore and — poof! — their same-sex attractions are ignited or they unexpectedly fall in love. When they disclose (or are discovered), that they are really gay or lesbian, their straight wives or husbands are devastated, their children confused. Though some couples manage to stay married, because of their long history, love and close friendship, the good of the family, or the difficulty of separating, most divorce – and their children lose a two-parent home.

I lived that experience, watching my gay husband suffer without knowing why until he came out. As I then met and studied straight spouses across the country, I saw that they, like their gay and lesbian mates, were stigmatized, too, and so were their children. I saw, too, that their issues and those of their families were ignored and not understood, as they tried to protect their gay spouses and children from rejection in their churches or synagogues, jobs, schools or communities. That’s why I founded the Straight Spouse Network in 1991 to provide confidential personal support for straight men and women who faced this unforeseen family crisis for which they were not prepared.

Given these scenarios that repeat themselves across the country, the rationale for legalizing one man-one woman marriage as the only marriage form and a way to bring stability to the community is sabotaged by the reality of the family crises experienced by mixed-orientation couples. Neither spouse entering those marriages has high odds of fulfilling his or her hope of creating a lasting relationship and family. No children born to them can be sure their two parents will stay together.

Revealing the devastating impact on families of couples married under the one-man/one-woman societal imperative is the reason why straight spouses want their voices heard by proponents of laws designed to exclude gay and lesbian couples from marrying. Avoiding the perpetuation of this kind of harm to families is reason enough to pass laws that enable gay men and lesbians, no less than other adults, to marry any person to whom they wish to commit their lives and love, regardless of gender. Only then can the hopes of all spouses and families in the United States have the greatest possible chance of being fulfilled.

The annual conference of the National Association of Catholic Diocesan Lesbian and Gay Ministry in Long Beach, California, was attended by a mixture of clergy, LGBT people and their parents, and one straight spouse, formerly married to a gay man – Dr. Amity Buxton.  More than 160 people were present at the plenary session to hear Coadjutor Bishop Jaime Soto of Sacramento give the opening address on the topic of love.  As was reported in the press, 5 people walked out when it became apparent that the Bishop’s talk was not about love in general, but about sex.  Specifically, he stated that gay and lesbian people must remain chaste and sexual activity between them is sinful. By the end of the address, the audience erupted in anger.  Within minutes, however, a board member rushed to the stage and invited the Bishop to stay and listen to personal stories of individuals in the gathering.  One by one, nine volunteers walked to the front of the hall, and took the microphone to tell  their “lived experience”  directly to the Bishop as he sat in the front row. 

 All this has been reported in print elsewhere.  What has not been reported is that the lone one straight spouse in the audience was one of the speakers.  Amity summarizes her response:

 ”I recounted my husband’s decision to marry as a good Irish Catholic because it was the right thing to do and would make him happy, even though he had a gay lover unbeknownst to me at the time.  I told of his gradual depression and physical ailments that developed over twenty-five years, our divorce and annulment, and his eventual death alone. At the end, I stated strongly that this painful experience was why I will not stop working toward making sure that no one else has to go through what he, I, and our children had to suffer.”

 Amity later participated in focus groups and three other plenary sessions, informing everyone in each session of the invaluable resource that the Straight Spouse Network provides for straight spouses, current or former of LGBT people and the importance of having this for our families.   It was a revelation to most attendees that straight spouses have a support organization, much less need support. 

 At the final bilingual concelebrated Mass, Amity was gratified to hear the priest who delivered the homily validate the importance of straight spouses.   He said that one new thing he had learned at this conference was the existence and unique perspective of straight spouses and of the work that Amity had been doing to provide support for them for over 20 years. 

 What stands out from this report is in the last statement – the priest had only then learned of the existence of straight spouses.  With all the attention focused on California’s Proposition 8, defining marriage as only between a man and a woman, many churches are unaware of the existence of straight spouses.  If they were aware of us, a portion of the focus, energy and money allotted for the defense of marriage might be allotted for resources to help straight spouses and our families deal with profound moral and spiritual dilemmas.  Resources such as counseling, spiritual healing, renewal, focus on keeping us connected to the communities of faith rather than shunning us, ignoring us until we leave, or responding to our questions and concerns with lectures on that particular denomination’s teachings about our partner’s homosexuality, rather than providing pastoral ministry that addresses our needs.

 Pastoral response to us and our families is a challenge for many clergy of all faiths and political affiliations, especially when our existence is not acknowledged.  The Straight Spouse Network (SSN) is a resource for clergy to learn of our needs and perspectives.  We encourage all communities of faith to plan for appropriate and ongoing pastoral response to straight spouses and their families.  SSN can help them do so.

Many straight spouses find Amity Buxton’s book The Other Side of the Closet, when they first begin their journey of discovery/disclosure. Amity is the founder of the Straight Spouse network. To hear a podcast of Amity’s discussion the process of the straight spouse’s experience, please visit John Selig’s interview with her on his site “Outspoken”

Amity discusses the phases of anger, grief, pain, and consequences of not having anyone to share the experience with as well as subsequent crises of identity and trust, and the problem of living someone else’s lie. She also discusses the one third of couples who divorce right away, the second third who try to stay married, and separate, and the final third who remain married for several years. Regardless of the eventual outcome, those couples deepen their relationship and create their own authenticity.

Amity also gives a history of the beginnings of the Straight Spouse Network.

A commentary by John Selig of his family’s personal experience also accompanies the podcast. To download the podcast, please click here