With the upcoming inauguration of Barack Obama as President of the United States, there is a lot of recent attention to this video which features incoming press secretary Robert Gibbs answering a question about overturning the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy with a simple answer.

Yes.

Sure sounds like Yes we can. And now it is more likely Yes we will.

Fox News calls this a possible re-igniting of the culture wars.  Gay rights groups justifiably proclaim relief for GLBT members in the service from having to remain closeted in order to honorably serve their country.

Whether we like the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell or not, one thing is certainly clear.  No one is talking about what will happen to the straight husbands and wives of gay military members who out themselves or who are outed by others.  So let’s talk about that here.

If all the media attention is going to be on culture wars – homophobia, military benefits to gay partners, gay rights – then the straight spouses will still be caught in the crossfire of that culture war, and likely no one will want to even notice. All of us know that the healing from discovery or disclosure can take years.

Are family services within all branches of the military currently equipped to deal with the counseling and adjustments that will be necessary for spouses and children?  Are on and off base military communities ready to support and accept the straight spouses and children, keep the children free from harassment, continue social relationships with the straight spouse where appropriate?  Is the expectation that the family crisis will be handled just like any other family crisis of a divorced member of the armed forces?  What about the minority of us who do not divorce, remaining openly married to someone who is openly gay?  It doesn’t happen a lot, but it does happen – and often for some good reasons.

In many respects, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is a huge relief for us and our families.  We don’t have to hide anymore in someone else’s closet.  And if in anger or despair we force our gay spouse out of the closet, we no longer have to worry about losing the generous benefits that a career in the military awards families of those who serve.  It frees us from the fear, and from the lies that we live because of the fear.

The repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell will mean major changes for some military families – changes in their relationships, marriages, lifestyles, networks, and support systems.  And for that reason, the Straight Spouse Network is here to help.  We are the preeminent support group for heterosexual men and women who are the current or former spouses or significant others of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered people.  We have resources available for counselors, and face to face and online support groups internationally.  One of the most important things we do is affirm the experiences of one another – and accept the various solutions, decisions, and approaches each of us makes on the journey toward healing.

We are here to help any straight spouse of a gay member of the military.  We are here to help and advise the counselors on base and off who serve them.  We are here to help clergy in military communities cope with the complicated questions and issues that mixed orientation marriages have.

Some of us are veterans of more than just the culture wars.

We have sometimes been referred to in writings of the gay community as “collateral damage” – meaning that we’re the innocent bystanders who got hurt as a result of the culture wars.  We are so much more than that.  We are family.

We are here to help any straight spouse, any family and any institution that is affected by discoveries or disclosures of previously closeted military members.  We are here to help you cope, go forward, gain strength, and survive this painful journey.  We can do that with you. We can support you through it.

Yes we can.  Yes we will.

Happy New Year!

As 2009 starts, many of us are facing difficult circumstances – not only in our relationships, but in other parts of our lives as well.  Job loss, health issues, money troubles are all made worse by the recession we are experiencing right now. In any economy, being a straight spouse is not an easy task, and many families are facing additional pressures now.

It’s important in this new year to take time for ourselves – to realize what is important to us, and about us – and recognize that our needs, perceptions, feelings and experiences are just as important as those of the people around us.

If you are making New Years resolutions, make the ones that you personally can keep and which benefit you. Losing weight is great, if you are doing it for your own reasons, not to be more attractive to someone else. Make small changes to suit yourself,do some things that you enjoy and have been unable to do because spouse or family aren’t interested. Develop new activities that benefit you with health, friends, exercise, recognition, enjoyment, or skills. Let go of the responsibility for another person’s choices, and the burden this causes. Remember the popular saying, “To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future”

To paraphrase our newly elected president, Barack Obama: Yes. You can.

Happy New Year! Celebrate you!

In the United States, today is Election Day.  If you have not done so already, please take the time today to vote. 

We won’t tell you how to vote.  That is for you to decide. But please, exercise your right to vote. 

Your vote is your own.  You don’t have to tell anyone how you voted if you don’t want to.  Or you can tell everyone how you voted and why.  You don’t have to explain your vote to anyone. Just vote.  It is your right. 

This election has been said to be the most important one of a lifetime.  We have clear choices, and an unprecedented turnout is expected.  Participate in what may be one of the most significant events of the early 21^st century.  Vote in the presidential election of 2008. 

If they give you an “I voted” sticker, wear it proudly.  If you have time and opportunity, stop by Starbucks and/or Krispy Kreme for some election day freebies.  Be proud.  Be American.  Be a voter.