When the promotions for Oprah this week showed that she was interviewing a lesbian, many straight spouses probably said “what again”?  Programs about sexuality are nothing new for Oprah.  Her program this week “Living without Labels” featured a woman who had been married, had daughters, and had a late in life realization that she is gay.  In fact, her daughters told her she was a lesbian, noting how she looked at women. Several other women and a sex therapist were interviewed. The article in O, The Oprah Magazine “She’s So Fine” was a point of reference for the discussion.

What was unusual about this program was that the daughters gave an extended interview about what the effect was on them and the family.  Now grown women, they appear to still be very emotional when talking about it.  They spoke of their anger when their mom finally came out, and of their anguish over the divorce.  They spoke of the pain in the entire family.  But they came to see that their mom was happier.

It was a good, informative program.  Many of the women featured on the show said things that are all too familiar to straight husbands who come to the Straight Spouse Network for support.  “I’m not a lesbian, I fell in love with the person”.  The only husband of a lesbian featured on Oprah within recent memory has himself been gay.  The absence of the straight husband’s perspective on any of the programs about fluid sexuality and married people is quite noticeable, as is the lack of mentioning the Straight Spouse Network as a resource of support for families, including straight husbands.

Oprah appeared surprised that not everyone who has a sexual attraction to the same sex “always knew they were gay”.  Perhaps if she spoke to the men and women who are part of the Straight Spouse Network, she would be surprised to learn that few of us are surprised by anything that was on the program.

For some men, it may come as a surprise that it still hurts to hear the same things that were said over and over in their marriages now touted as a celebrated aspect of female sexuality.

The stress of a new separation, divorce, or discovery of a spouse’s homosexual activity presents new challenges during the holidays. What had previously been a joyous but hectic time is now uncertain, and awkward. Questions such as “where do the children spend the holiday”, “should I invite my spouse to dinner”, and “what, if anything, should we tell the extended family” present new dilemmas. With extended family, it gets tricky, because you might have only told SOME relatives why you are separating – or you may have told your children and not your relatives, or told your relatives and not your children. The secrets and reactions to disclosure tend to keep people on edge.When straight spouses have not disclosed the reason for a separation or a divorce, extended family might take this opportunity to encourage you to “work things out”. Some may actually blame the straight spouse for not “trying hard enough”. Some may display open hostility toward the gay spouse in front of the children.

It’s helpful to figure out who you wish to disclose to before the holiday event. At the family gathering, you will know who is there to offer support for you should the situation turn awkward with those well meaning relatives who do not know the total reason for the separation or divorce, or those who have definite opinions about what should happen now.

Holiday celebrations should be planned with the children’s needs and experiences in mind. It’s inevitable during a post separation period that when there are family gatherings someone will be left out for the first time, or somehow things will feel different. Try to plan times during the holiday season for the children that include them spending time with both parents, whether together or separate. Above all, realize that this is a time to be flexible and work out new traditions for yourself and your family.

Within the Straight Spouse Network, there are opportunities to meet people who have found different solutions, and offer real suggestions for celebrating the holidays. For example, one straight woman had a court decision that split Christmas day in two. She was furious that she was unable to visit with extended family and take her children on that day. Her gay ex husband did very little to celebrate the holiday, but did make an effort. She started new traditions on Christmas Eve, which over time evolved into a very special time for her and her children. Christmas morning the children woke up at whichever home they preferred to go to that year, and by late morning were with their father. Visits with extended family were done on Thanksgiving or New Years on a flexible basis. Changing the focus to Christmas Eve was not always easy, as the family was involved with their church, and some years they had to accommodate two services with their dinner and Christmas traditions. Christmas day, the children got to spend time with their father, invent new traditions, and visit with their father’s friends who were supportive of them, but did not like their mother.

Flexibility is key to keeping the family functional. As time went on, her teenage son decided that no one could tell him how to spend his Christmas. He resolved the matter by volunteering at a local shelter with his friends from church on Christmas day. It sent a clear signal to mom and dad that time with his friends on Christmas day doing something that mattered to him was just as important as “whose turn it was” to have the kids spend the day with them.

The father actually pursued the matter in court, claiming the wife was encouraging rebellion, and playing tricks with the court appointed schedule. The judge ruled in favor of the 15 year old boy’s right to volunteer with his church group to spend Christmas day volunteering in the kitchen at the homeless shelter.

Holidays and family occasions are the times when we really examine the effect on us and our families of all the secrets we have lived, all the truths we have denied, and all the deceptions that have been practiced. These times are stressful, but they also offer us the grace to resolve issues of disclosure and continuing family traditions, or establishing new ones

Many straight spouses are concerned about what to tell their children.  WHAT to tell is just as important as HOW to tell it.  Generally this conversation goes better if a couple has it together with their children.  But when one spouse wants to keep it a secret and the other does not, then there are a few things to keep in mind: 

•  Make the conversation age appropriate. The conversation with a three year old is different from the conversation with a thirteen year old.   
• A three year old should know that Daddy and Mommy are still Daddy and Mommy – and that the gay significant other is Daddy or Mommy’s special friend.  If no significant other is part of the child’s life, then the mention of one is unnecessary unless they ask questions about what they may have heard. 
• A thirteen year old is going to figure out a lot more about what is going on.  Their questions need to be answered as honestly as possible.  They may endure teasing at school if their gay parent is fully out of the closet, and they will need support for dealing with this.  They will have their own reactions, their own feelings, and these need to be respected.   Teens are coping with their own issues of sexuality, identity, and rebellion.  These all are part of their reactions to divorce, separation, or discovery that a parent is homosexual. 
• Children are generally more concerned about what is happening to their home and family than about whether or not one of their parents is gay. 

 For more perspectives of children in mixed orientation marriages, we recommend the following resources:

Families Like Mine

http://www.colage.org

Kid’s Reading

Adult’s Reading

Kids of Queers