Holidays are wonderful times for families to get together and renew relationships, celebrate traditions, and share the latest news.  For straight spouses undergoing the stresses of divorce, or the recent discovery that a spouse is gay, those same holidays can be awkward and painful.  It can hurt to see traditions discarded, or to be excluded from family gatherings, or be told that the spouse has to be excluded or included.

Some new dilemmas for straight spouses include basic things, like “whose house are we going to for dinner and who will be there” to “telling the kids mom is gay” before or after the holiday, to a lack of money to keep up all the traditions.  They can be as complicated as “will Daddy bring the boyfriend to Grandma’s this year” or taking the kids shopping to buy a present for Mom’s girlfriend.  A straight spouse might feel a rush of anger at seeing an expensive present that was lavished on a boyfriend or girlfriend, that was never considered for them, or seeing the gay couple take the trip of a lifetime that the spouse had thought would be a special second honeymoon.

Then there are always the friends and relatives who have their own opinions about things – and express them loudly.  That could mean saying negative things about the gay spouse in front of the children, or a tentative hint around the kitchen table that “you can still be married, just live together like brother and sister”.  It can be the brother in law who keeps asking “ya want me to fix his car?” or the cousin who just CANNOT believe that this is true, and YOU must be mistaken.  Add to this family stew a gay spouse who is worried that nothing will be the same “because I’m gay and nobody accepts that”,  and your happy holidays turn into an occasion of dread.

How about those friends who are determined to be fair and friendly and invite you both to a party?  You venture out, and find your spouse there with a date – and the group of friends is affirming “coming out” but ignoring how devastating this is to you.  Isn’t it funny how the rules for divorcing heterosexual couples don’t apply to us?

The best advice we have for the holidays is to view them as an opportunity for new traditions affirming you and your values. Accept that things will be different.  The first year it is a discovery process, finding what works and what doesn’t.  After that, it does get easier.

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries with friends and relatives, and establish what is appropriate and what is not.  Tell the brother in law to fix YOUR car since you need help.  Tell the cousin that believe it or not, it’s true and you’re not discussing it right now. Tell the person who wants you to stay married that you can’t.  It really is not possible to ignore a gay spouse’s sexual activity, no matter how discreet.  It is different.  And if you are staying together, you are making your own rules.  Just don’t totally alienate people who truly love you.  Remember, they are struggling to understand what has happened, and want to know how to help you.

Holidays can be a bridge that we cross from an old life to a new one.  Sometimes it is a painful bridge, but we do get there!  The important thing is to keep going.

The Straight Spouse Network is once again on Santa’s nice list.  And for the fourth year in a row, Santa Claus is giving our supporters a chance to give a really nice gift to loved ones – or a great Christmas souvenir for yourself! After all, if you support us – you’re on our good list too!

Santa will personally autograph a picture, and you can have a brief personalized note.  Children love to hear things from Santa like “Thanks for the cookies and milk” or “I hear you’ve been working hard in school” or “Hope you like the bike!”  Best of all, orders received by December 7 will be postmarked “North Pole, Alaska”.  After that, Santa will be asking his helpers to send the pictures from New Jersey.

We’re very grateful to Santa for his ongoing support of the Straight Spouse Network.  The pictures are $10, and additional photos sent to the same address are only $5.  It’s a great fundraiser for us, and a fun way to celebrate Christmas with our loved ones.

The stress of a new separation, divorce, or discovery of a spouse’s homosexual activity presents new challenges during the holidays. What had previously been a joyous but hectic time is now uncertain, and awkward. Questions such as “where do the children spend the holiday”, “should I invite my spouse to dinner”, and “what, if anything, should we tell the extended family” present new dilemmas. With extended family, it gets tricky, because you might have only told SOME relatives why you are separating – or you may have told your children and not your relatives, or told your relatives and not your children. The secrets and reactions to disclosure tend to keep people on edge.When straight spouses have not disclosed the reason for a separation or a divorce, extended family might take this opportunity to encourage you to “work things out”. Some may actually blame the straight spouse for not “trying hard enough”. Some may display open hostility toward the gay spouse in front of the children.

It’s helpful to figure out who you wish to disclose to before the holiday event. At the family gathering, you will know who is there to offer support for you should the situation turn awkward with those well meaning relatives who do not know the total reason for the separation or divorce, or those who have definite opinions about what should happen now.

Holiday celebrations should be planned with the children’s needs and experiences in mind. It’s inevitable during a post separation period that when there are family gatherings someone will be left out for the first time, or somehow things will feel different. Try to plan times during the holiday season for the children that include them spending time with both parents, whether together or separate. Above all, realize that this is a time to be flexible and work out new traditions for yourself and your family.

Within the Straight Spouse Network, there are opportunities to meet people who have found different solutions, and offer real suggestions for celebrating the holidays. For example, one straight woman had a court decision that split Christmas day in two. She was furious that she was unable to visit with extended family and take her children on that day. Her gay ex husband did very little to celebrate the holiday, but did make an effort. She started new traditions on Christmas Eve, which over time evolved into a very special time for her and her children. Christmas morning the children woke up at whichever home they preferred to go to that year, and by late morning were with their father. Visits with extended family were done on Thanksgiving or New Years on a flexible basis. Changing the focus to Christmas Eve was not always easy, as the family was involved with their church, and some years they had to accommodate two services with their dinner and Christmas traditions. Christmas day, the children got to spend time with their father, invent new traditions, and visit with their father’s friends who were supportive of them, but did not like their mother.

Flexibility is key to keeping the family functional. As time went on, her teenage son decided that no one could tell him how to spend his Christmas. He resolved the matter by volunteering at a local shelter with his friends from church on Christmas day. It sent a clear signal to mom and dad that time with his friends on Christmas day doing something that mattered to him was just as important as “whose turn it was” to have the kids spend the day with them.

The father actually pursued the matter in court, claiming the wife was encouraging rebellion, and playing tricks with the court appointed schedule. The judge ruled in favor of the 15 year old boy’s right to volunteer with his church group to spend Christmas day volunteering in the kitchen at the homeless shelter.

Holidays and family occasions are the times when we really examine the effect on us and our families of all the secrets we have lived, all the truths we have denied, and all the deceptions that have been practiced. These times are stressful, but they also offer us the grace to resolve issues of disclosure and continuing family traditions, or establishing new ones