Mark Foley resurfaced in the news this week, after a two year absence.  He’s the congressman from Florida who resigned after a scandal involving sexually provocative emails and instant messages to congressional aids who were underage.  His appearance seems particularly ill timed, coming after an election in which Republicans were defeated soundly in an overwhelming demand for change.  Strategically, this is not a good time for poliitical conservatives to remind the public of bad memories. 

 Nevertheless, there was Foley, pleading for the public to understand that he is not a pedophile since pedophiles only molest children and the pages were teens.  Technically, that is true.  He is not a pedophile.  He is a pederast.  And he is not married.  He has escorted and socialized with attractive wealthy female supporters, attempting to create the public image of a ladies man, but it appears no women took him seriously beyond friendship.  There is no straight wife to slide down his muddy trail. 

Yet his story attracts interest among straight spouses for one reason – the continued and impassioned denial of what truly happened can seem familiar to some women who have been married to homosexual men leading a double life.  Yes, Foley admits sending the emails and messages – but he calls it a mistake, a momentary lapse of judgement.  In truth, the lapse was not momentary, it went on for over a year.  The young men involved were not children, but they were underage.  Sophisticated and willing perhaps, but underage.  Many straight wives who discover such activity in their marriages often find that their husbands belittle it, dismiss it as not being such a big deal, a little indiscretion.  When they insist it actually IS a big deal, some husbands display a contemptuous and belittling attitude.  It is as though they cannot accept the truth of the situation, and the mirror of reality that the wife holds must be shattered.  Or they evade responsibility while pretending to take responsibility.

No major corporation would tolerate the use of its electronic media to engage in sexual conversations between a senior executive and a subordinate.  The United States Government is certainly larger than most corporations, yet somehow Foley had the expectation that he could use electronic media to engage in sexual banter with interns who were not yet 18 years old.  Foley has lived his life as a poorly kept secret – and the lies he has had to tell himself become such a part of his makeup, that he is genuinely surprised when he must actually face what he was doing, and what he became.  In truth, Foley was molested as a teen by his parish priest – and as an adult was seeking intimacy and sexual fulfillment the only way he knew how – by being the adult who took advantage of young people on the sly.  Rather than being an openly gay healthy adult, his sex life appears to have been continually hidden among others who also had something to hide. 

It may be that Foley is a convenient target of liberal media because of his conservative political views.  What is also of note is that the mainstream media seems unwilling to buy into the pretzel logic of victimhood, and the dismissal of such transgressions as momentary and trivial.  With no wife to deflect some of the unwelcome negative attention, all the focus is on Foley – and the story is not a comfortable write off of the past, but a distinctly uneasy repudiation of any claim that Foley’s actions are just minor transgressions that are in any way understandable, normal, or justified.

If you are a heterosexual who has discovered that your husband or wife is having an affair with a person of the same sex, or has an interest in same sex pornography or photographs or cross dresses, you are a straight spouse.

. You might hear that your husband or wife is not “gay” – they are just on the down low, or they have a fetish, or a “same sex attraction”. For most heterosexuals, all of these equal the same thing – they have discovered that their husband or wife prefers sexual activity with someone of the same sex. And this is when their world shifts on its axis.

Straight spouses often feel tremendous anger at having been deceived in this most fundamental way. They may find that their trust in others and in their own judgement erodes significantly. The behavior of the gay spouse, whether out of the closet or still secretive affects their family life, their children’s lives, their social life. And in therapy and counseling, focus is often on understanding the gay spouse, rather than giving attention to the process the straight spouse must go through in order to find healing for themselves. Many counselors and clergy get a handle on the initial crisis, but not on the ongoing process of healing and rebuilding a life for the straight spouse, which can take years depending on the relationship. Some couples remain married, some divorce but remain friends, and for others divorce is complicated, lengthy, expensive and involves a restraining order or two.

This blog is written by those who have experienced this painful deception, and who go forward along the various paths of our lives. Many people tell us that they know what they would do in our situation, but they really don’t know unless they have been there.

Comments and suggestions are welcome!