OK, so by now you’ve heard the news. 62 year old actress Meredith Baxter has announced that after all this time, she now knows she is gay. She decided to go public with this before the National Enquirer beat her to it, and after Perez Hilton commented about her being seen with her lesbian lover in his blog (in the category “gay gay gay”). 

Well, better late than never. Honesty is the best policy.

In an interview on the Today Show with Matt Lauer, Baxter said “”I am  a lesbian and it was a later-in-life recognition. Some people would say, well, you’re living a lie and, you know, the truth is – not at all. This has only been for the past seven years.”

Huh?

She ‘s been dating her current girlfriend for FOUR YEARS. And yet, she didn’t know she was gay.

No, seriously, we believe that, because we straight spouses hear that kind of thing all the time.

“I’m only a little gay.” “Well, all people are a LITTLE gay you know,and you are weird and narrow minded if you don’t think so”.  “Im learning about myself”.  “I’m exploring my sexuality”.  Heck, some straight women have even had their husbands say “Honey, I admit it. I’m a pervert. I have sex with men. But I’m not gay. And I’m not sure I’m bi.”

So we think it is great that at long last, Meredith has the self awareness to recognize the truth about herself. But we don’t buy into the idea that she wasn’t living a lie. Even if she swings both ways, denying this about herself for so many years amounts to a lie, especially in the context of what she has said about her three marriages:

“I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships. I assumed I was a bad picker…I assumed there were problems with the people I chose. It never occurred to me to think, oh, [the problem is] me,” she said.

We’ve heard that too, and we’re glad Meredith actually said it. It’s refreshing. The usual pattern for many of us is to discover that our  spouse is gay, and then be blamed for all the problems in the marriage  ANYWAY, because it wouldn’t have worked ANYWAY.

No matter what a straight spouse does in a marriage, a gay spouse is seldom going to be fully satisfied, because we cannot be the people  they need to  love. They may love us, we may love them, but we just  don’t have the right physical and emotional makeup to satisfy what  they want and need. Those of us who remain married know that these  relationships require complete honesty and more than a little  communication, and give and take.

Baxter was married three times. Her first marriage in 1966 to Robert  Lewis Bush lasted five years.  Her second husband, actor David Birney is probably the best known of her exes:  They starred together in the 1972 situation comedy “Bridget Loves Bernie”, and both had successful film and television careers. She married him in 1974, and the marriage ended in 1989. She married her third husband, Michael Blodgett, in 1995 and they divorced in 2000. She has five children from the first two marriages, all adults now.

Perhaps those men have moved on with their lives, perhaps not.  For any man who is now facing a “late in life lesbian” experience with his wife, please know that there is a support group here at the Straight Spouse Network for you, and there are PLENTY of men who have experienced this seemingly new phenomenon, and who are experiencing it now. So many straight spouses find we have common experiences in our marriages, even if we are all very different people. All contact is confidential,whether on line, on the phone, or in a private face to face meeting.

Of course, Meredith will be applauded for coming out, and finally being  honest with herself and with her family. Few people will care about the effect of her closeted sexuality on her three marriages to three very different men. Here at the Straight Spouse Network, we care. We continue to care, whether the media is paying attention or not. We ACTUALLY GET IT – THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE – including the conclusions people draw about us, our  sexuality, and our alleged shortcomings. We support one another, whether the discovery/disclosure happened yesterday or 20 years ago. The mutual support is important to our own healing, and our ability to help straight  spouses of both sexes and all racial, religious, and cultural backgrounds recognize that they are not alone – far from it!

Meredith concluded her interview on the Today show by recognizing that “this is a political act” and by coming out, she’s the “lesbian you know”, and perhaps you won’t vote to take away rights from gay people. We only wish that the political dialogue included our voices as well, about the effect of living long term in marriages to gay people who are closeted, even to themselves.

Still, Meredith Baxter’s coming out is a positive step. Perhaps now, as Elyse Keaton might have said “the personal is political”.

Straight spouses are entitled to know if their husband or wife is being unfaithful to them with a same sex partner.  It also is helpful for them to know if a gay husband or lesbian wife is unsure of their sexuality.  Many straight spouses blame themselves for any sexual dysfunction in a marriage.  It can be a relief to know that no matter how fat, thin, bald, attentive, or attractive they are, no matter what kind of surgery they have had or physical changes, no matter how many babies, no matter how perfect or imperfect – the reason that the the spark isn’t there is because their husband or wife prefers to have sex with someone of their same gender. 

So how do you tell your husband or wife that you are gay, or at least not completely heterosexual?  How do you tell them that you aren’t sure but you think so?

Honestly.  And with kindness, compassion, and all the love you can.

This is not a conversation to have on Valentines Day, your wedding anniversary, someone’s birthday, a major holiday, or any day that gets commemorated annually or is a special celebration.  Choosing to have this conversation on those days, because that is when you have time to be together, will ruin the celebration or commemoration of those days for your spouse for years to come. It will always coincide with the anniversary of when they learned the painful truth.  But there are plenty of other days to have this conversation, and the sooner the better. 

Some GLBT people think it is kinder to disclose their sexual realization in small doses.  It really isn’t.  Your husband or wife deserves to know the real truth about who you really are.  This isn’t the time to list their many faults, or go over what they could have done differently to make the marriage better.  This is about you telling them who you really are.

If you’re not sure, say so.

If you are a man who has had an affair or is seeing someone, or you have had anonymous sex in a park or public restroom, please say so.  Even if you are being so careful so you just know that no one will get HIV from you.  Your wife is entitled to know.  Despite assurances of nothing to worry about because you were careful, a straight wife will likely get tested – for her own health, safety, and satisfaction about her own health and future. And she’ll probably be very angry that she is in a position of needing to be tested, particularly if she has been faithful to you. 

A straight husband or wife is entitled to know that you are GLBT because they are a person in their own right who needs to make decisions about how they will live their lives in the light of the truth about their marriage to you.  Some may tell you what they want to do right away, others may just be stunned and emotional, and totally blown away by the information.  But they need to know.  Honesty is the best, and healthiest, policy for you both.  And kindness, courtesy, sympathy, listening, and understanding go a long way.  Maybe not right away, but they do help to smooth later conflicts.

Coming out in a mixed orientation marriage is a bit different than coming out as an individual.  There is a partnership, a family, and obligations.  These don’t go away just because you realize that you are homosexual.  Your coming out is a family affair when you are married – and your spouse may not be as ready to come out as you are.  Your husband or wife may want to be more open about it, and not remain the keeper of someone else’s secret.  Regardless of the outcome, straight spouses deserve to know.  When you are honest, you can then work out through counseling what the ground rules are for you and the family being out of the closet, or remaining discreet depending on what is best for all of you. 

Remember, even if you are realizing your true sexuality later in life, you have had your whole life to figure this out about yourself.  Your spouse has had maybe only a few minutes, a few months, a few years.  It will take time to sort it all out, process the grief, anger, and for some the shame and self doubt, before they come to an acceptance and are ready to move forward.  For many people, it can take years to work through all of this.  There are no easy answers, no quick fixes. 

When you come out to your husband or wife, please tell them that there is support for them through the Straight Spouse Network.  Tell your therapist about our resources for counselors of mixed orientation couples.  And most important, tell the honest truth about yourself.

The first National Coming Out Day was developed nearly 20 years ago when, October 11th, 1987, half a million LGBT people marched on Washington and the voice of the straight spouse was silent.  Now, communities across the country  Oct 11th marks an important day in lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and intersex visibility.   Unlike 20 years ago the voice of the straight spouse need not be silent.   
 
Check your community for scheduled NCOD events and join in.  Why?  Your actions can make a difference.  You can educate others about the lives of a straight spouse when a married LGBT person comes out.  Dispel the myths and misconceptions that they can’t be gay, their married and have children.  Talk about the issues, write letters to the editor.  Let it be known that you and  millions of other Straight spouses are not asking for sympathy but we are asking for support to stand up and denounce those activities that cause so much pain to everyone involved.

The Straight Spouse Network is truly OUT there. 

 Recently we issued this press release about National Coming Out Day.  We believe it is important for straight spouses to be visible on this day, a reminder to all of the effect on spouses and families when a glbt person marries a straight person in order to hide the truth about themselves from themselves.  We support coming out, because it is honest, and the best way for a family to resolve their problems. 

 Well, we are global.  We have been featured in many blogs, and in major publications throughout the world.  Some of the news outlets that have carried our story include Marketwatch, Streetinsider, Boston.com, AOL and Yahoo.  We’ve given people something to talk about – and listen to!

 For many of us, the experience of discovery or disclosure is too new to feel like celebrating a spouse’s coming out.  Events that celebrate gay pride can often be painful reminders. But for those who are a few years into the process of healing, supporting honesty and authenticity for all people is important.  It means that fewer people will share our experience.

Clay Aiken’s announcement last week that he is gay certainly came as no surprise to many people.  Clay made the announcement to put rumors to rest after the August 8  birth of his son, Parker Foster Aiken.  Parkers mom is Clay’s best friend, producer Jaymes Foster.  The two met while Clay was on American Idol, and will raise their son together.

 Congratulations to Clay and Jaymes on the birth of their son.  Parker certainly was wanted, planned for, and conceived in friendship.  The two are not lovers, but they are best friends.  They wanted a child, and conceived their son through artificial insemination. 

 This might not be the way some people believe a family should bring a baby into the world, but Clay wanted to be a father, and did so without deceiving a woman about who he is.  The two are committed to being parents for little Parker, and deepening their friendship. 

 While it is not surprising that Clay is gay, he did the right thing to announce it.  Many people assume that if someone is a father then he can’t be gay, or that gay people don’t make good parents.  Clay did himself and his family a favor by coming out, putting rumors to rest.  He gave people something to talk about – by doing the talking himself!!!

Many straight spouses are concerned about what to tell their children.  WHAT to tell is just as important as HOW to tell it.  Generally this conversation goes better if a couple has it together with their children.  But when one spouse wants to keep it a secret and the other does not, then there are a few things to keep in mind: 

•  Make the conversation age appropriate. The conversation with a three year old is different from the conversation with a thirteen year old.   
• A three year old should know that Daddy and Mommy are still Daddy and Mommy – and that the gay significant other is Daddy or Mommy’s special friend.  If no significant other is part of the child’s life, then the mention of one is unnecessary unless they ask questions about what they may have heard. 
• A thirteen year old is going to figure out a lot more about what is going on.  Their questions need to be answered as honestly as possible.  They may endure teasing at school if their gay parent is fully out of the closet, and they will need support for dealing with this.  They will have their own reactions, their own feelings, and these need to be respected.   Teens are coping with their own issues of sexuality, identity, and rebellion.  These all are part of their reactions to divorce, separation, or discovery that a parent is homosexual. 
• Children are generally more concerned about what is happening to their home and family than about whether or not one of their parents is gay. 

 For more perspectives of children in mixed orientation marriages, we recommend the following resources:

Families Like Mine

http://www.colage.org

Kid’s Reading

Adult’s Reading

Kids of Queers

 The process of learning that our husbands are gay or our wives are lesbian is not an easy one.  Frequently while the gay spouse is coming out of the closet, the straight spouse finds they are pushed deeply into a very tight, cramped and dark little closet of anger, despair, grief, shame, and wildly conflicting emotions.  The process is one of discovery and/or disclosure, and sometimes denial. 

 Sometimes the gay/lesbian spouse “comes out” and discloses that they have a same sex attraction to another person or think they are gay.  Sometimes there is no disclosure, and the straight spouse discovers gay pornography, or activity on the computer leading to dating sites for gay men, or steamy text messages from their wife’s best friend.  When confronted with discovery, the gay spouse may incredibly deny the obvious.  

 Or when a gay/lesbian spouse discloses that they are not heterosexual, the denial may work the other way.  “We can fix it.  We can change you”. 

 Denial of the situation only exacerbates the problem.  Here are some classic examples of denial that straight spouses have heard from their husbands, wives, family members, clergy, and therapists:

 ”I’m not gay.  I just like having sex with men”.

“You don’t know very much about men, do you?  We’re ALL curious”

“I’m not gay/lesbian.  Maybe I’m bisexual.  After all, I’m married”

“I just look at gay porn to see if I’m as big as they are”

“I’m not gay, I just fell in love with the person”

“Don’t label me”

“Your husband is not gay.  He has a same sex attraction.  You will just have to get over your anger and understand the difference”

“I’m not gay, I’m exploring my sexuality”

“He’ll get over this gay thing when he gets treatment.”

“He’s not really gay, he has a sex addiction.  Once he’s cured of that he’ll be ok again”

 Discovery and disclosure are a difficult and confusing time for both partners in a mixed orientation marriage.  Denial only worsens the situation.  The straight spouse can often feel like they have been living someone else’s lie for many years, and may question everything they previously took for granted.  When denial is confirmed by counselors, clergy, and family members, the self esteem of the straight spouse is further eroded, driving them into a secret private world of hidden pain and social isolation. 

 Painful as it is, honesty is the best policy.  The straight spouse has the right to know and make adult decisions about staying in the marriage and going forward with the rest of their own life.

   By Amity Buxton

When a husband or wife in a heterosexual marriage comes out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, the coming out is not an individual event.  It is a family matter that impacts everyone in the household: straight spouse and children (and there are usually children involved).

  Coming out in a family occurs in waves. The first wave is the struggle of the lgbt spouse over months sometimes years until daring to disclose or becoming active enough in extramarital sex activities to be “found out.” The revelation begins the next wave, as the straight spouse has to work though the unexpected information and what it means for him or her, the marriage, and the family – and also lasting months and often years.  Finally, once the couple tell their children or the children find out, their dealing with the revelation becomes the third wave of coming out, as they try to come to terms with their parent’s new identity, effects on their parents’ relationship, and its implications for them. 

 These three overlapping waves, one after the other, stir up the lives of them all, each at a different stage of coping and all aware of the tidal force sweeping them toward an unknown future.