By Carol Grever

I need your help.  As straight spouses, you and I have a foundation of mutual understanding because we’ve walked similar paths.  Challenges of mixed-orientation families seem insurmountable at times, calling for outside help.  We need a supportive listener to relieve the isolation of the closet, to stave off despair and offer hope for resolution of this confusing predicament.  Sooner or later, most straight spouses seek counseling from a professional clinical psychologist, licensed social worker, or pastor.  Often this counseling brings a turning point toward deep healing.  Occasionally, it seems to do more harm than good.  What makes the difference?

I’m researching counseling techniques for a forthcoming handbook for therapists who work with gay-straight couples and their families.  Specifically, I need real-life stories–your good and bad experiences with counseling.  What worked for you?  What really helped?  What made you want to run from that office and never return?  What made you furious?  What comforted you, challenged you, helped you set a fresh, positive course?  What related advice would you offer other straight spouses and their families regarding counseling?

Will you disclose your experience for others’ benefit?  Your story would be used anonymously as convincing demonstration of best practices and those that are disastrous.  Any information that you offer will be treated with utmost care, your identity never revealed.  By sharing your experience, you can be instrumental in sensitizing new therapists to the nuances of this delicate dilemma.

If you’re willing to help with this project, send me an email at carolgrever@gmail.com .  Please detail what happened, how you felt about the counseling events at the time and later, and the eventual outcome of the experience.  If you visited more than one counselor, compare their different methods and your response to them.

I’ll be deeply grateful for any information you offer, and I promise to treat it with absolute integrity.  Well-trained, sensitive, knowledgeable counselors are essential to straight spouses and their families striving to understand their present reality and reconfigure their future.  Your shared experience will help to educate more of those effective therapists.  Thank you!

Carol Grever, Author
Blog:  http://www.straightspouseconnection.com
Website:  http://www.carolgrever.com

Editor’s note:  We’ve often said in this blog that many counselors, therapists, and clergy have no tools to learn about the special needs of counseling straight spouses or both partners in mixed orientation marriages. We are happy to spread the word for Carol, and hope that her research will result in a better informed professional counseling community where we are concerned.  If you are willing to participate in her research, please contact her directly, as this is not sponsored by the Straight Spouse Network.

Straight spouses are a diverse group.  The one thing we can all count on having in common is that we have been married to a gay person.  Sometimes we have our experiences in common, sometimes not.  This is also true of our paths to recovery and healing.

Some straight spouses experience a desire to avoid all things gay.  We may have not been bothered by this before, but now we change the channel when programs featuring lgbt performers or characters are on television. We wonder if the clerk in the store is gay.  We wonder if our neighbor’s son is closeted, and if they know. We wonder if we’re the only one on board who is annoyed by the flamingly funny flight attendant who has passengers laughing through a flight.  We avoid gay friends – or our relationship changed with them.  Somehow we want all things, and all people, who are lgbt to disappear from our personal lives.

Some straight spouses do exactly the opposite.  We find a path to healing by getting involved in advocacy for gay rights.  We  cultivate friendships with LGBT people. We read books about the lgbt experience, about coming out, about sexuality.  For some of us, understanding who the gay spouse is and why they have behaved as they did is a big part of our own moving forward.

Both approaches are correct.  Some people need the space away from LGBT life and culture to focus on who they are, what they want, and what their new direction is.  Some people need to connect with gay people, if only to assure themselves that they can still relate to them as friends, or to learn more about the experience.  This is a reassurance that we did not cause our husbands or wives to be gay, and that gay people who are completely out of the closet do not behave as our spouses did.

One common frustration of straight spouses is that while we struggle to understand the gay experience or avoid it, few people  within our general society or the LGBT part of it are attempting to understand us with the same zeal.  While the Straight Spouse Network does support LBGT advocacy with two position papers concerning gay marriage and reparative therapies, our prime focus is on support of straight spouses and advocacy for our own needs.  Sadly, we are forgotten by those supporting our former spouses in their new life, and are often ignored or marginalized by those who assist families in crisis.

Our own needs include a greater awareness among counseling and healthcare professionals of our perspectives, experiences, and the sheer number of straight spouses in society.  Our own needs include recognition of our existence by the general public, and awareness of our need for help and ongoing support.  Our own needs include more research on the topics of mixed orientation marriages and the straight spouse experience, across gender, culture, age, and nationality.  Our own needs include defusing the homophobia that is targeted at us and our children through no fault of our own.

Our hope is that someday, the experiences of straight spouses will be just as commonly featured in the mainstream media as the experiences of gays, the debate over gay marriage, or the sensationalism of stories of closeted public figures being “caught”.  In order to achieve the visibility necessary to reach all who desire our help, the Straight Spouse Network will need the financial and personal support of many people.

We’re here to help. Will you return the favor?

Many times family and friends don’t know what to say to the straight spouse when the gay husband or wife either discloses their true sexuality or is discovered and denies the obvious.  In the former situation, family and friends of the couple might not want to appear “hateful” toward LGBT people, or they might share profound anger and have no problem expressing it. In the latter situation, they may not want to accept the truth, and aid in the denial.

Very often, people mean to help – but say the wrong thing or are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they back off, leaving the straight spouse feeling further isolated.  So, we’ve compiled this handy dandy list of what to say – and what NOT to say:

Lets start with the negative, because it is the most familiar to many straight spouses.  Here’s what NOT to say:

1.  Oh, we all knew (or suspected).  What, you didn’t know?  How could you miss this? Oh come on.  You had to know.
2.  Are you sure?  How do you know?  When did you find out?
3.  You’ve been married this long – think of the children.  Can’t you just live together like brother and sister?
4.  I know just the (counselor, clergy, doctor, best divorce lawyer in the state) who can fix this. You just leave it to me.
5.  (for straight women mostly) Ya want me to kill him?
6.  (for straight men only) – Hey you’re a lucky guy, that is SO hot.
7.  You’re not SERIOUSLY letting the children stay with him/her, are you?
8.   Just get over it. Stop wallowing.
9.   Well HE says he’s not gay, and he ought to know, so you’re just making this up to get a divorce.
10.  EVERYBODY falls somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale.  Someone who SAYS they are totally straight like you say you are is… well… unusual. (usually accompanied by a wise wink and all knowing nod from a poorly trained counseling professional.)

The above reinforce isolation, fear, guilt, shame, doubt, dependency, co-dependency.

Here is what to say in support of the straight spouse:
1.  I’m sorry.
2.  What can I do to help?
3.  What do you need?
4.  If you haven’t been tested yet, please take care of that for your own peace of mind. (and if they stay in the marriage, encourage them to continue to be tested regularly.)
5.   Do you have a counselor for yourself?
6.  What do YOU want? (many straight spouses can’t answer that one right away)
7.  There’s a support group called The Straight Spouse Network.  You should get in touch with them if you haven’t already.
8.  This is not your fault.
9.  I’m here for you.
10. It’s difficult, but I have faith that you will get through this and be stronger and happier than you are now.  And again, please let me know what I can do to help.

The above reinforce connectedness to the family/friends, freedom from shame, a directedness toward healing and life in the truth, honesty, and positive direction.

It’s important for family, friends, and counseling professionals to know that working through the anger, doubt and consistent negative messages of the marriage takes time for the straight spouse, sometimes years.  This isn’t just a situation where you can make nice once and expect it to be ok.  Straight spouses often need to connect with those who are helpful and supportive on a regular basis.  That is why support from family and friends, and connecting with the confidential peer to peer support of the Straight Spouse Network is so important.

We do heal – it just takes time.  Gay spouses have been wrestling with the questions of their orientation for their entire lives – we deal with it all at once and it can be overwhelming.  Allowing time to heal and continuing to offer support, friendship, and connection is very important for family and friends who want to help.

Many straight spouses find Amity Buxton’s book The Other Side of the Closet, when they first begin their journey of discovery/disclosure. Amity is the founder of the Straight Spouse network. To hear a podcast of Amity’s discussion the process of the straight spouse’s experience, please visit John Selig’s interview with her on his site “Outspoken”

Amity discusses the phases of anger, grief, pain, and consequences of not having anyone to share the experience with as well as subsequent crises of identity and trust, and the problem of living someone else’s lie. She also discusses the one third of couples who divorce right away, the second third who try to stay married, and separate, and the final third who remain married for several years. Regardless of the eventual outcome, those couples deepen their relationship and create their own authenticity.

Amity also gives a history of the beginnings of the Straight Spouse Network.

A commentary by John Selig of his family’s personal experience also accompanies the podcast. To download the podcast, please click here

If you are a heterosexual who has discovered that your husband or wife is having an affair with a person of the same sex, or has an interest in same sex pornography or photographs or cross dresses, you are a straight spouse.

. You might hear that your husband or wife is not “gay” – they are just on the down low, or they have a fetish, or a “same sex attraction”. For most heterosexuals, all of these equal the same thing – they have discovered that their husband or wife prefers sexual activity with someone of the same sex. And this is when their world shifts on its axis.

Straight spouses often feel tremendous anger at having been deceived in this most fundamental way. They may find that their trust in others and in their own judgement erodes significantly. The behavior of the gay spouse, whether out of the closet or still secretive affects their family life, their children’s lives, their social life. And in therapy and counseling, focus is often on understanding the gay spouse, rather than giving attention to the process the straight spouse must go through in order to find healing for themselves. Many counselors and clergy get a handle on the initial crisis, but not on the ongoing process of healing and rebuilding a life for the straight spouse, which can take years depending on the relationship. Some couples remain married, some divorce but remain friends, and for others divorce is complicated, lengthy, expensive and involves a restraining order or two.

This blog is written by those who have experienced this painful deception, and who go forward along the various paths of our lives. Many people tell us that they know what they would do in our situation, but they really don’t know unless they have been there.

Comments and suggestions are welcome!