For straight spouses, nothing has changed.

The fighting, the arguing, the strident self righteous proclamations about the definition of family continue.  The lawsuits, the publicity, the grandstanding continues.  The defense of marriage as a union between men and women only goes on and on – with no acknowledgement of what our marriages are or were, and no interest in finding out.  No interest in acknowledging our families and the dilemmas we face in reconciling the practice of our faith with our knowledge of this unique experience, no interest in affirming the directions in which our families can move forward, healing, building bridges with each other. 

The definition of family is now once again defended.  Apparently those of us who are or were in mixed orientation marriages, those of us who are children of mixed orientation marriages, are not part of “family”.  Those of us who are members of the large religious groups that funded opposition now have to wonder just whose family are we a part of, if not the family of the faiths that sustain us, that we practice sincerely, despite efforts to render us irrelevant and invisible.

Our children will still go to school and listen to the jokes and taunts of their peers about who is queer and who isn’t, and they will be afraid that their friends will find out about mom or dad.  They will be afraid to laugh or not to laugh.  They will keep a low profile, keep their feelings and their conflicts hidden.  Apparently this is not as worthy of defense as restricting marriage is.  We will continue to cope with our own issues of coming out of someone else’s closet – perhaps in silence, perhaps being criticized for “outing” the ex when we are honest, or for not “supporting” our spouse, perhaps in the isolation of self doubt.  Apparently this is not as worthy of outreach as defense of the status quo is. 

A very eloquent commentary was posted by Keith Olbermann of MSNBC’s Countdown program.  It is one of the few editorial pieces that comments on those of us in mixed orientation marriages and asks “How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the “sanctity” of marriage rather than render the term meaningless?”

 Nothing has changed.  Nothing.

As Election Day is upon us in the United States, close attention is being paid to efforts to outlaw gay marriage in three states.  The most contentious and well funded debate is in California, where the matter is to be voted on in Proposition 8.  The other two states, Arizona and Florida, have proposals on their ballots to amend state constitutions, clearly stating that marriage is only legal between men and women. 

Straight spouses come from many different walks of life, political visions, religions, nations and cultures.  As the preeminent source of support for heterosexual men and women who have discovered that their spouse is gay, the Straight Spouse Network opposes attempts to make gay marriage illegal through constitutional amendments.  These efforts require great funding, debate, pressure, and tend to polarize communities.  These efforts do nothing to serve or protect our families.  They do nothing to make our children safe from threats and taunts at school.  They do nothing to dedicate the tremendous resources of faith organizations toward recovery, support, and healing for straight spouses. 

Straight spouses of gay people are family too.  Our children are family too.  So defending families seems to ring hollow when ours are not included in the well funded efforts to strengthen families.  This is true not only of the right wing, but the left wing as well.  Depending on location, straight spouses often perceive themselves as being indirectly excluded from groups that support gay people and their families, largely by being ignored and unacknowledged. 

How is a straight spouse supposed to reconcile lifelong and unshakeable faith in a religious tradition, when the governing body of that religion is spending tons of money to pass or fail Prop 8, but spends no money, time, or attention on the crisis of faith for the straight spouse?  How does a straight spouse move forward within that faith community when no one will acknowledge their perspective, their reality, their solutions to family communications? Telling the straight spouse that gay rights will make the problem go away, or prayer will change their gay spouse, is not truly addressing the straight spouse’s complex and ongoing need for acknowledgement and tolerance of their process.

Not all mixed orientation marriages would be avoided with legalized gay marriage, but if the option of marrying were available to gay couples, it would be much more difficult to justify marrying someone of the opposite sex and carrying on deception.

The recent decisions by the Connecticut Supreme Court and the California Supreme Court to recognize same sex marriage has ignited the social controversy about what a marriage is, and if it can be applied to same sex couples. At first glance it appears that despite popular opinion to the contrary, the courts have held that the criteria for marriage can be met by a same sex couple, and that restricting gay couples to civil unions only is a lack of equality under the law.  But a recent poll conducted by Connecticut’s Hartford Courant shows that 53 percent of respondents agree with the court decision.  This is obviously as contentious an issue in Connecticut as it is in California. 

 Much of the backlash against these decisions, including California’s Proposition 8 and the proposed amendment to the Connecticut constitution, are rooted in the idea that the traditional institution of marriage must be defended. With all of the challenges to the traditional institution of marriage, it is difficult to see how the legal marriage of two men or two women to one other threatens traditional heterosexual marriage.  No church or synagogue is being told that they HAVE to marry gay couples.  They can choose to not perform these weddings, just as they choose to not perform some heterosexual weddings for various reasons.  Some straight ex spouses of gay people often wonder if gay marriage had been permitted at the time of their own weddings, would their own marriage  have ever taken place? 

 The Straight Spouse Network supports gay marriage, and is not shy about saying so. Gay marriage will not prevent all gay, bisexual, lesbian, or down low people from marrying heterosexual people who believe they are entering a traditional heterosexual marriage.  But it will provide an acceptable alternative for those who are ready to honestly marry a person of their own sex, and will make it socially less acceptable for those who wish to hide behind the appearance of a heterosexual marriage. 

 We would much prefer that those who wish to defend marriage would begin to acknowledge the existence of the straight spouses among them, and open their ears, their hearts, and their minds to the various perspectives of all who have experienced the painful deception of struggling to fit the mold of a heterosexual marriage when they are really in a mixed orientation marriage.