Holidays are wonderful times for families to get together and renew relationships, celebrate traditions, and share the latest news.  For straight spouses undergoing the stresses of divorce, or the recent discovery that a spouse is gay, those same holidays can be awkward and painful.  It can hurt to see traditions discarded, or to be excluded from family gatherings, or be told that the spouse has to be excluded or included.

Some new dilemmas for straight spouses include basic things, like “whose house are we going to for dinner and who will be there” to “telling the kids mom is gay” before or after the holiday, to a lack of money to keep up all the traditions.  They can be as complicated as “will Daddy bring the boyfriend to Grandma’s this year” or taking the kids shopping to buy a present for Mom’s girlfriend.  A straight spouse might feel a rush of anger at seeing an expensive present that was lavished on a boyfriend or girlfriend, that was never considered for them, or seeing the gay couple take the trip of a lifetime that the spouse had thought would be a special second honeymoon.

Then there are always the friends and relatives who have their own opinions about things – and express them loudly.  That could mean saying negative things about the gay spouse in front of the children, or a tentative hint around the kitchen table that “you can still be married, just live together like brother and sister”.  It can be the brother in law who keeps asking “ya want me to fix his car?” or the cousin who just CANNOT believe that this is true, and YOU must be mistaken.  Add to this family stew a gay spouse who is worried that nothing will be the same “because I’m gay and nobody accepts that”,  and your happy holidays turn into an occasion of dread.

How about those friends who are determined to be fair and friendly and invite you both to a party?  You venture out, and find your spouse there with a date – and the group of friends is affirming “coming out” but ignoring how devastating this is to you.  Isn’t it funny how the rules for divorcing heterosexual couples don’t apply to us?

The best advice we have for the holidays is to view them as an opportunity for new traditions affirming you and your values. Accept that things will be different.  The first year it is a discovery process, finding what works and what doesn’t.  After that, it does get easier.

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries with friends and relatives, and establish what is appropriate and what is not.  Tell the brother in law to fix YOUR car since you need help.  Tell the cousin that believe it or not, it’s true and you’re not discussing it right now. Tell the person who wants you to stay married that you can’t.  It really is not possible to ignore a gay spouse’s sexual activity, no matter how discreet.  It is different.  And if you are staying together, you are making your own rules.  Just don’t totally alienate people who truly love you.  Remember, they are struggling to understand what has happened, and want to know how to help you.

Holidays can be a bridge that we cross from an old life to a new one.  Sometimes it is a painful bridge, but we do get there!  The important thing is to keep going.

On a recent episode of Law and Order, Detectives Lupo and Bernard are protecting a witness who has had what she describes as a “down low” lesbian affair with a murder victim. The program shows them hiding in a hotel, passing the time. The witness decides she likes Lupo, and asks Bernard “Does he have a girlfriend?” Detective Bernard’s response is to look at her wide eyed and say “YOU had a girlfriend”. The witness looks surprised, but they cannot continue the conversation because they are interrupted by a knock on the door from the prosecutor.

Some of our gay and lesbian spouses do not acknowledge the label of “gay” or “lesbian”. They may even reject being called bisexual, since this is just about one person. They have affairs with someone of the same sex, but do not believe that makes them “gay”. For the straight spouse, coping with this complex situation can be frustrating, an unending riddle.

When our marriages end because of our husbands and wives have an affair with someone of the same sex, the words “honey I’m gay” can provide a sense of finality, a definite scenario. “Honey I’m bi” doesn’t seem to be said quite so often. Rather, the disclosure to a straight spouse might be “I might be a little gay”, or “I fell in love with just this one person”, or “everyone has these feelings, you’re just repressing yours”. Some men did know their wives had been involved with women – but they had no idea what that would really mean in a marriage. There may be further complications after divorce when the bisexual spouse begins to date other people of the opposite sex. If the couple is still connected through children and step parenting, the dilemma of whether or not to tell the new lover what actually happened and spare them the pain of deception is a painful one. The risk of course, is that no one will believe what they say, and attribute it to maliciousness.

For us, unresolved issues of our spouses sexuality are a part of denial in marriage. We may hear that it isn’t really cheating because they never cheated on us with the opposite sex. We may hear that since they aren’t happy in the marriage they decided to become intimate with someone of the same sex. And of course, we’ll be told in counseling and by well meaning friends and family that the unhappiness in the marriage “takes two”.  We are left to ponder the impossible task of satisfying a spouse who cannot be happy with someone of the opposite sex.

The healthy skepticism that Detective Bernard showed in the Law and Order episode is refreshing to see on television. “Everyone” does not have sex with someone of the same gender, only gay, lesbian, and bisexual people do. A straight person who becomes involved romantically with someone who has had a same sex affair needs to know what it really means – and their friends, family, and counselors should not be afraid to speak openly.

Open that closet door. Put the “down low” on the “up and up”.

Well, it’s infidelity.  Lies, cheating, deception and all that. Just like in REGULAR divorces.  So just because your spouse has left you for someone of their same sex, you shouldn’t think you are any different from anyone else, right?

Wrong.

It is different.  Way different.  For the straight spouse, anyway.

When a man discovers his wife cheating on him with another man, he has a basic primal urge to beat up the intruder.  When the other man is a woman, he has that same urge. But oops!  Can’t hit a girl, you monster you.  Well, just be more understanding and deal with it.  Don’t express any anger, any hostility, any real feeling.  Ah, drinking again I see.  Well, just remember, if you’d been a better provider, lover, friend, housekeeper, father, etc, things would be different.

Now a man whose wife cheats on him with another man might own up to all the negatives in the last statement.  He might own his part in the breakup of the marriage eventually, because as all counselors always tell us (or so it seems) “it takes two, you have to own your own issues”.  But when a man’s wife has an affair with another woman he is left to wonder just what he could have changed about himself that would have mattered – because she’s gay and just not attracted to him really.

For those who think that having your wife involved with another woman is hot, consider this:  How hot is it for most straight men to be nagged in stereo, or whipped by two women – and not be able to strike back or express anger because everything about being a man is viewed in the negative?  How much of a turn on is that?  It may be a staple of the porn world, but in the real world, it is not much of a turn on at all.  How many straight women expect to come home to their husband after breaking up with the other man, and tell him the whole sobbing story about how they were dumped by the other man, or had a fight with him?  Not many, but this experience happens with some frequency to men who are married to emerging lesbians.

Now lets talk about straight women and their gay husbands’ infidelity, or in many cases, infidelities.  Along with straight women whose husbands are also straight, it certainly is possible that infidelity could happen because the guy married them for all the wrong reasons: money, position, appearances,baby making, mommy.  But then there are the problems of the marriage that go with being unloved or unappreciated or devalued.  She “lets herself go” and puts on weight.  He tells her she’s unattractive.  She’s a mess.  She doesn’t do anything right.  She’s depressed.

So they get divorced, they go to counseling for family issues.  Somehow, her issues are the problem.  The fact that he exposes her to AIDS, devalues her womanhood in subtle and not so subtle ways, and is on the “Down Low” or prefers anonymous bathroom nookie with a man he’s never met before to her love is supposed to be the same as if he cheated on her with a woman.  That means she’s not worth so much after all.  If he is cheating on her with a man who is the love of his life, that says to her that not only is her marriage over, but it was a total lie – and she is left to wonder if the problems with depression, unattractiveness, weight, housekeeping, etc are really her issues or if it was just a cover for him getting ready to discard her now that he’s done.

Yet, many gay husbands think that this means they are not cheating – after all, it’s not a relationship, or it’s not sex with a woman.

You never get a chance to work through what you could bring to the marriage to make it different, to possibly change the outcome if you choose to. No matter what you might do, your spouse is gay.  You don’t have the equipment, and they’ve probably found ways to tell you how inadequate you are before they admitted the real problem.

You never get to own your own issues, because in many of these marriages you own nothing but the lie from the start.

Counselors need to recognize in working with mixed orientation couples that talking about the issue of homosexuality in the marriage IS working on the marriage, and that the straight spouse has legitimate reasons for bringing up their feelings in regard to this.  Our need for affirmation at this time is often pretty keen, because so much of our own sexuality and personhood has been disaffirmed during the course of marriage.

By Elyse C.

I am a 51 year old woman about to be divorced. That, in and of itself, could be depressing. I hear a common lament from women in my age range that they feel like their lives are over and I can certainly sympathize, or, rather empathize with those women. Being in my 50’s and single are not my idea of a great time.  Statistically, I probably stand a greater chance of being struck by lightning than of getting remarried. Well, I don’t exactly know if that last statement is true. I don’t have actual numbers to back me up.

But wait a minute! What about me? What about using this divorce as a springboard for self-discovery and personal growth? Yes, the financial reality may be dismal, at least initially. But what an opportunity to start over! To grow, to learn, to change, to simplify, to eliminate the negativity from my life! OK, so maybe there are a few wrinkles, gray hairs, body parts that hurt, body parts that don’t want to work the same as they used to work—-but so what? Life can still be good—-heck, it can be better!

Don’t get me wrong:  I’m as nervous as hell about change in my life. I tend to give homage to the status quo. It is certainly easier not to change. To stay in the old, familiar patterns is comfortable. It’s less dangerous, less risky, etc. Nice and safe, just like I like it.

Well, like it or not, my husband came out of the closet, wants out so that he can start his life over and the sooner it happens for him, the better. I could fight it, dig in with both heels. Stall things or bring them to a screeching halt. Hang out for a few more years if I feel like it. But I don’t want to do that. The trouble is, I never saw myself as a divorced person. After 24+ years of marriage, one would think that things wouldn’t change dramatically. But life goes on, whether I agree with the premise or not.

I used to attend church faithfully every week, even several times a week. Lately, I haven’t been going anywhere to church. I intend to remedy that someday. Right now, I’m working on weekends, so it is next to impossible to get to a service. I have wrestled with faith issues since the gay thing entered my life more than 6 years ago. One thing I remember from my years of growing up in the church is a quote from Hebrews 1:11, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” This applies to my life in the here and now. I have such hope for the future. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know that all of it will be good. I certainly have hope that most of my life will be even better than it has been up until now.

I hope that most of you aren’t groaning and saying to yourselves, “She’s done gone and gotten all religious on us now!” I just have such hope for my future and the futures of all of us here, men and women alike. I can’t help but to focus on women in my age range, since they ARE my own kind. I feel like hope is central to all of our lives. If you are new to this, my message may not be something that you can digest or you may be annoyed with my perspective. That’s OK—we all find our own way, in our time, in the way that is right for us. The important thing is simply to open yourself to change, growth, progress, happiness (and perhaps, sadness), love, all the wonderful things that make us human.  I can hardly wait!

The Straight Spouse Network invites the perspectives of various individuals who wish to share their unique experiences. We thank Elyse C for being our Guest Blogger today and permitting us to print her article about her experience.

We’ve talked about this before on this blog, but we’ll talk about it again. One of the most difficult things for any straight spouse or mixed orientation couple to face is the question of “what do we tell the children”?and teenage children, as they worry about peer pressure, acceptance, and harrassment.

For most families, children of all ages will likely be more immediately concerned with divorce and how it will impact their lives than they will with a parent being gay.  Having a homosexual parent is an issue for middle school

Younger children want to know they are loved, cared for, safe, and provided for. If you explain to them that Daddy is gay, or Mommy is a lesbian, they may not understand what you mean.  After all, young children do not understand what sex is.  Tell them in an age appropriate way having to do with what they personally will experience if you separate or your living arrangements change.

It’s important to remember that when gay people come out after years of being in the closet, they want to move quickly into their new life.  But when you are married and have a family, coming out involves more than yourself. It involves your family.  It can take a while for a straight spouse to recover from discovery or disclosure and a breakup.  Likewise, new relationships for children have to be considered carefully.  Don’t introduce your children to everyone you are involved with – wait until you know that a new partner is going to be a stable person in your life.  Don’t expect that everyone will meet your timeline in accepting the new situation. And please, choose your partner carefully and remember, all stepfamilies have difficulties at times.

Going forward with family, out of the closet, is important.  If a gay spouse is in denial, the straight spouse should not be afraid to make the decision to tell the children if appropriate and necessary.  The important thing for the straight spouse is to refrain from telling the children in anger, or to get revenge on the gay spouse.  Tell them calmly, possibly with a counselor or clergy person present for support.

It may not be necessary to tell young children right away. School age children and teens may already have an idea that a parent is gay, and be reluctant to discuss it.  When a straight spouse keeps the secret, it can appear to teenage children that they are lying as well.

Honesty is painful, but the best way for a family to proceed.  Just be sure that when you tell the children, do so in an age appropriate way.

Many times family and friends don’t know what to say to the straight spouse when the gay husband or wife either discloses their true sexuality or is discovered and denies the obvious.  In the former situation, family and friends of the couple might not want to appear “hateful” toward LGBT people, or they might share profound anger and have no problem expressing it. In the latter situation, they may not want to accept the truth, and aid in the denial.

Very often, people mean to help – but say the wrong thing or are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they back off, leaving the straight spouse feeling further isolated.  So, we’ve compiled this handy dandy list of what to say – and what NOT to say:

Lets start with the negative, because it is the most familiar to many straight spouses.  Here’s what NOT to say:

1.  Oh, we all knew (or suspected).  What, you didn’t know?  How could you miss this? Oh come on.  You had to know.
2.  Are you sure?  How do you know?  When did you find out?
3.  You’ve been married this long – think of the children.  Can’t you just live together like brother and sister?
4.  I know just the (counselor, clergy, doctor, best divorce lawyer in the state) who can fix this. You just leave it to me.
5.  (for straight women mostly) Ya want me to kill him?
6.  (for straight men only) – Hey you’re a lucky guy, that is SO hot.
7.  You’re not SERIOUSLY letting the children stay with him/her, are you?
8.   Just get over it. Stop wallowing.
9.   Well HE says he’s not gay, and he ought to know, so you’re just making this up to get a divorce.
10.  EVERYBODY falls somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale.  Someone who SAYS they are totally straight like you say you are is… well… unusual. (usually accompanied by a wise wink and all knowing nod from a poorly trained counseling professional.)

The above reinforce isolation, fear, guilt, shame, doubt, dependency, co-dependency.

Here is what to say in support of the straight spouse:
1.  I’m sorry.
2.  What can I do to help?
3.  What do you need?
4.  If you haven’t been tested yet, please take care of that for your own peace of mind. (and if they stay in the marriage, encourage them to continue to be tested regularly.)
5.   Do you have a counselor for yourself?
6.  What do YOU want? (many straight spouses can’t answer that one right away)
7.  There’s a support group called The Straight Spouse Network.  You should get in touch with them if you haven’t already.
8.  This is not your fault.
9.  I’m here for you.
10. It’s difficult, but I have faith that you will get through this and be stronger and happier than you are now.  And again, please let me know what I can do to help.

The above reinforce connectedness to the family/friends, freedom from shame, a directedness toward healing and life in the truth, honesty, and positive direction.

It’s important for family, friends, and counseling professionals to know that working through the anger, doubt and consistent negative messages of the marriage takes time for the straight spouse, sometimes years.  This isn’t just a situation where you can make nice once and expect it to be ok.  Straight spouses often need to connect with those who are helpful and supportive on a regular basis.  That is why support from family and friends, and connecting with the confidential peer to peer support of the Straight Spouse Network is so important.

We do heal – it just takes time.  Gay spouses have been wrestling with the questions of their orientation for their entire lives – we deal with it all at once and it can be overwhelming.  Allowing time to heal and continuing to offer support, friendship, and connection is very important for family and friends who want to help.

Caution:  Rough road ahead.

Ted and Gayle Haggard made news again last week- this time they were interviewed on the daytime show “Divorce Court” by Cleveland Heights judge Lynn Toler.  It’s an interview worth watching for any straight spouse, no matter how you feel about the Haggards.  Divorce Court has featured mixed orientation marriages in the past, and will have another one on this week.

Judge Toler does her best to not let Ted Haggard slip around some very tough questions.  She does not let him for one minute minimize the effect of his actions on his wife and family.  And she flat out states that if Haggard were to ever resume ministry, she certainly would not be trusting her children to him.

She’s also not easy on Gayle Haggard, asking how she couldn’t have known something was wrong – and if Gayle had problems with being intimate with Ted after the disclosure.  Gayle’s answer is “I had to process through this and not lose what we have”.  Well, many of us certainly understand that feeling, particularly those straight spouses who are reluctant to divorce.

What’s particularly familiar to many straight spouses is that Ted says he wasn’t “born gay” – he became homosexual as a result of sexual abuse as a teen.  This appears to be important with him.  Many of us find evidence of same sex activity with our spouses, hear the same denials of homosexuality, or the assertion that it’s just about one particular person.

What’s also familiar to straight spouses is Gayle’s discussion of the “process”.  Many of us who have been in long term marriages only to discover similiarly spectacular infidelity look for ways to maintain the relationship while moving forward, healing our own severely damaged sense of trust. Ted was the pastor of the largest Christian congregation in the USA, and had repeated sex with a male prostitute, took methamphetemines, and a church member alleges to have been propositioned by Ted.  She says she needed to understand what was going on with him.  Many of us have also felt the same way.

It’s difficult for the general public to understand the spouses need to understand what the gay spouse is experiencing – but for many of us, that’s part of the process of making sense of the whole experience, unless we immediately decide that our marriages have been based on a lie and distance ourselves from it.  It’s also tempting to want to tell the story of being “forgiven and fixed” – the reason is always “to help others” but for many people the reason is also to affirm what they need to believe right now.

Once the truth comes out, staying married to a prominent closeted homosexual who has so many remaining issues is a long long road full of many choices, turns, and barriers.  There is no quick path to healing and forgiveness – it is something that we work through for years as we develop our healthy selves and make choices about our lives.  Gayle Haggard is really just starting down that path – and she deserves not only the honest questions, but the respect and support that all straight spouses deserve.

It’s a long, hard road – and there is no express lane.

Life events have a funny way of bringing back the initial feelings of disclosure or discovery for the straight spouse.

We think we’ve sorted it all out, and then we are invited to a family baptism, wedding, graduation. Or our children graduate, or get married. Or our children are invited to participate in an extended family gathering – and sometimes we are invited, sometimes not. Special occasions often pose special dilemmas for straight spouses.

Going forward after any separation or divorce can mean stepping through minefields of family disasters just waiting to happen. With us, the questions of the closet often come into play. Who is your gay ex out to, and who doesn’t know, and why? How has the extended family reacted to your divorce? Do they blame you for your ex spouse’s actions or choices? Do they simply not believe that the ex is gay? How has the whole coming out process been handled?

Sometimes there are those occasions where you will be present for the children, along with the gay ex and possibly a new partner. Following the wishes of your children seems to be the best recourse for these, along with keeping a healthy, but polite, distance from your ex. Pose for the pictures, but sit with those companions you feel most comfortable with. If there’s drama, try your best to be a spectator, not a participant. That can be difficult if your ex is abusive, and still manipulates people and situations to cause you public anguish for their own entertainment. But if you are generally cordial, remain so – and remember that a healthy distance protects you from receiving “too much information”, minimizes any conflict, and helps to focus the occasion on your children.

For straight ex-wives of gay men, harsh feelings and bad memories come up at the strangest times.

We lose weight, and buy new clothes. We try a new hair color, get a makeover. Then the memory comes back of the last time we bought something new,attractive, sexy – the memory of a husband not noticing, and then telling us it just didn’t make us look special, sexy, attractive. Or the memory of a husband recoiling and demanding to know why we were spending money and behaving foolishly.

For some of us, the weight came right back on. The sleek new clothes went into the closet, along with our own heterosexual female sexual expression.

After separation or divorce from a gay husband, we start to date again. We THINK the new guy is straight. He’s attractive, attentive, romantic – and the experience is very different from what we had in our marriages. And we wonder: am I missing something here? Is this real? Can I trust him – and my feelings? Sometimes we remember what our courtship with our gay husbands was like – we remember the mixed signals, the lack of response to our own sexy touches, kisses, setting the mood with music and lighting, unbuttoning a few buttons, wearing a short or slit skirt – we remember how we didn’t know what that was about then, but we know now. We remember we thought then that he was just being “uptight”, or “reserved” or “naïve” or even that he was respecting us by being “good”. Or we thought it was us – not being good enough. After all, we were in love, attracted to these men. It was outside our experience to think that anything in their behavior was related to being gay.

The memory comes back – and the anger, pain, self doubt. Even if we’re all past that, even if our new relationships are so different.

We think – “I should have known then”. And we ask ourselves the question “Is there something I don’t know now?” Some of us don’t know just how good we are – or were – or could have been. The older we are, the longer our marriages lasted, the more faithful we were, the more difficult it can be to move forward with dating someone new, starting a new relationship. So much of the ongoing supression of our own heterosexuality in our marriages has had an effect on our health, lifestyle, and appearance.

Part of recovering from marriage to a gay husband and reclaiming our own sexuality is to look in the mirror, accentuate the positive, discard the negative, and affirm for ourselves what we know is healthy, attractive, and gorgeous about us in the present. So go ahead. Lose the weight again. Go back to the gym. Buy the new clothes that are just a bit more daring than before. Try the new hair color. Fix your teeth, see your doctor, and if you’re inclined, see your plastic surgeon. It’s not crazy, selfish, frivolous or a waste of money to be a happy, healthy heterosexual female who enjoys being as attractive as she can be.

The profound anger and sense of loss won’t go away – it is a part of us. We can be healthy by acknowledging it, and balancing our new lives with the people, decisions, and things that fill us with happiness, self love, and satisfaction. When we do those things, our lives become filled with pleasant surprises.

There’s no easy way to tell children about separation, divorce, or any change in the family. And regardless of whether a mixed orientation couple decides to stay married or separate, there’s no easy way to tell a child that a parent is homosexual.

Should children be told this, if there is no separation or divorce involved? It depends on the age of the child, and on the individual family.

Young children live very much in the moment, and are more concerned with immediate needs and questions. If there is no separation, and no intent to introduce them to a significant other, there isn’t a need to discuss sexual orientation that they may not understand anyway. When children are old enough to ask questions, those questions should be honestly answered.

When a separation is planned, or a couple is not sure, older children should be told the reasons, including that one parent is homosexual or bisexual. Children tend to want to control the uncontrollable, and may take on responsibility for dysfunction in a family, or blame a parent for not trying hard enough when the whole thing is just not possible. Older children may also have some concerns about being teased or shunned if their peer group finds out. Open discussion within a family helps to give them honest answers and support for these difficulties.

We invite you to tell us what your experiences are in telling your children.