By Janet Mc

There.  I don’t know how much more plain I can make it.  The Straight Spouse Network needs money, badly.  The Straight Spouse Network cannot exist without money.

Our last appeal so far has netted a grand total of  $3000 .  We have approximately $10467.00, to our name.  Approximately $10,400 of that amount sits in a CD.  If no more donations came in other than the above, SSN has about 4 months of life left.  Think about a day without SSN… no a lifetime with no SSN which is where we could be headed. No website, no phone contact, no F2F groups and much more.

No one makes money off SSN.  The phone company and the web host support the lifeline we provide to people reaching out for support.  Phone companies and web hosts do not give away their services to anyone.  The last we checked, the post office does not give away postage. We mail brochures, respond to correspondence, send Amity Buxton’s articles on request.  Sometimes a donation comes back.  That’s very much appreciated.

Incidental costs for face to face meetings, sending a speaker to address a group, networking with non profit supports – that takes gas.  This year gas is around $2.40 a gallon.  This time last year it was around $4 a gallon.  When someone fills up a tank in order to accomplish something for SSN, the gas station does not say, “OH! there’s a deserving non profit!  Here’s your freebie.”

There are costs involved in BEING a non profit.  Accountants.  Lawyers on occasion.  An annual board meeting.  We minimize these costs as best we can, but there are still costs.  We have staff – all part time, all with specific duties, all very minimal.  This organization could not have done the mammoth outreach we have accomplished in the past two years without the regular availability of staff.  This blog and this website are primary among those results.  Staff are being told to cut their hours by 25%.  Most only work 5 to 10 paid hours a week.

People have written books about being a straight spouse, surviving, coping.  We see none of that money, unless the sale is made through our link on Amazon.com.  We are not paid for our brief appearances on television or other media, yet SSN is the first place that reporters contact when they want the perspective of a straight spouse.

Are there celebrity straight spouses?  Sure.  Are they speaking publicly on our behalf?  When they can, which is not much.  Many cannot afford to be identified continually with this problem, or have reached legal agreements with their ex’s that make it impossible for them to do so.  It is a fashionable thing in Hollywood right now to support gay marriage.  If a celebrity were to make a big announcement about supporting us, there would be quite a few questions asked, including “there’s a support group for that?  Uh, so, did he/she need that help?”

Do we apply for grants? Sure!  We’ve received a few. We can make several thousand dollars spread a long way.  Yup.  Grants of several thousand dollars.  Not tens of thousands of dollars.  Several thousand dollars.  Oh, we apply to foundations, and are always looking for new streams of funding. We are now at a point in our development where we have a track record to interest larger funders.

But we have a unique problem – because we are a unique group.  If we offered general support for divorces or troubled marriages, we’d fall under the human services/family services category.  It was with that idea in mind that I visited the Foundation Center Library two years ago in New York City.  I was a novice at fundraising, so I asked the librarian for tips on searching for what we needed.  I described our group.  When I got the usual confused “There’s a group for that?” stare, I mentioned that we were like Dina McGreevey. The librarian indicated that she knew EXACTLY what I was talking about, and that we had a whole category for groups like us.  “Jackpot”! I thought.

The whole category was LGBTQ.  “But”, I protested, “We’re not gay”.  She assured me that for funding, this was all related and we would fit here.

She was right. We do fit there.  That’s where we’ve had the most success, because we don’t have to battle for recognition of what we do.  But the interests of LGBTQ funders are focused on marriage, gay youth, medical care, retirement options for elderly gay couples who don’t fit the usual nursing home scenario.  In other words, LGBTQ funders focus on the unique needs of gay people!  But in the world of non profits, this is the category where we fit.

We have a few donors who consistently come through.  Some of them are gay.  None are outrageously wealthy.  We will continue to apply for funding from community sources, individual donors, matching funds, private foundations.  But in the meantime, we need help, and we need it from you – our constituents.  We know that many of you are facing dire financial problems.

With me, this is personal.  I am a staff member here at SSN – I perform about 5 hours a week of clerical tasks and I edit this blog.  I was divorced 10 years ago, and my divorce and custody proceedings lasted 4 years.  It ended at the appellate level, where my ex’s continued requests for an iron clad 50/50 custody agreement were denied, and we were free to be a typical divorced family – the kids lived with me, saw their father regularly on Wednesdays and alternate weekends, and could go with him whenever they wanted.  My legal expenses for divorce and defending my custody of our children cost around $75,000 over a four year period.  I am impoverished, living in a new area, working a full time job that does not pay enough. I was unemployed for a while, like many of you.   I have a lot of debt – in fact, I am drowning in debt.  I focused most of my energy and money for the last ten years on my children’s survival, and not on me.  Consequently, I now have health issues.

So, like many of you, I cannot just write a check.  But I support SSN in the following ways:

1.  I donate SOMETHING every year.
2.  Last year when my car died, I turned a lemon into lemonade.  I donated my car. SSN got about $200.  I was surprised they got that much.
3.  I am selling my life on Ebay right now.  SSN gets a portion of the sale through Missionfish.
4.  I am rewriting my will.  I don’t think there will be much, but SSN will get something.  If my children predecease me, SSN will get it all.  Not that there is much.
5. Many of you in my face to face group and online communities know that I recently have taken up running.  I am not very good at it, and all the races I have done so far have been sponsored by specific charities.  This is an expensive thing to do, and SSN cannot afford to sponsor a race.  But, when I am ready for a public race, where I can raise money for my own cause, you will find me putting up a donation site on Firsgtiving where my friends can donate to SSN in support of me.  If you are currently a marathon runner and would like to set up a donation site for SSN, I can assist you. You can make it private, so that only the people you choose will know.

Being gay is not a choice, and being in a mixed orientation marriage is not something that many of us straight spouses would have chosen if we had known before the wedding that our spouse was gay, or what that really meant.  WE DO HAVE CHOICES in how we deal with our current situation.  We can choose to support the only non profit organization that is a direct, free resource for all straight spouses in the world.  Or we can whine about how gay people, government, and social services ought to pay up, how things are not fair, and go down with a high priced pity party.  NO ONE WILL SUPPORT US IF WE DO NOT SUPPORT SSN OURSELVES. If you have received help from SSN, networked with other straight spouses over several months or even years, or gotten over the hump and are getting on with your life now, we need you to remember us with a donation.

So stop whining and put your money where your mouth is.  Put up or we will be shut up.

YOUR CHOICE.

By Kathy Callori
Executive Director, Straight Spouse Network

Please, if you have not given – or pledged.. think about doing so by MIDNIGHT, DECEMBER 31 and let us ring in the New year with a even better match!! I would love to come close to the goal of $50,000 in Donations for this campaign.

Donations can be by Check made out to SSN and mailed to PO Box 507, Mahwah, NJ 07430 (any check dated by Dec 31, 2008 will count).

You can also donate by going on line to www.straightspouse.org and hitting the “DONATE ONLINE” BUTTON on the left of the screen and following directions. Our site is quite secure.

You can also make a pledge by contacting me directly.

Happy New Year to All and Thanks for all you do for SSN

There was a recent discussion on the Str8s confidential email list about actor Brad Pitt making a donation to support gay marriage.  When a high profile person donates to support gay marriage, they are making a statement politically and personally. They are also publicly supporting a social issue which affects their friends, family, and in Hollywood, probably quite a few co workers.
 
The primary function of the Straight Spouse Network is not advocacy, it is support. Advocacy comes with that, but we are not generally a part of the out and proud crowd. SSN’s support is confidential. We do go to gay pride events and take booths to give out information, but we don’t generally march in parades and very few of us feel like dancing and shouting “my husband/wife came out and I am SOOO PROUD!!!” 

When high profile people publicly donate to SSN, the perception could be very different. We do have a few high profile supporters, but they remain anonymous and their support is confidential, just as our support is for straight spouses.  

Much like AA and other support groups, SSN is the type of group that needs to be supported by the people it supports. Other funders look to see that this is happening, sort of like a “pass the hat” approach at AA meetings. Then they feel comfortable donating to meet a specific goal, like maintaining a website, training leaders, etc.
  
Imagine if Brad Pitt or any other well known celebrity publicly supported us. Imagine the reaction. Here’s some of what he might hear:
“Always knew he was gay”
“His poor wife”
“His wife is hot and now we know why”
“They adopted those kids and now this???? ”
“But didn’t his wife just have a baby???? Then how could he be gay?”
“Right. Straight people need money. Gimme some.”
“He gave money to what??? Isn’t that an anti gay group?????”
 
We are not a political cause. (And we are definitely NOT anti gay.) We are a support group for straight spouses, people whose husbands are on the “down low”, people whose wives are “playing for the other team”. In the mainstream public eye, we are not as well defined as groups that advocate for a specific cause.
 
Perhaps someday we will find a celebrity who does for us what Late Late show host Craig Ferguson does for recovering alcoholics. He is a recovering alcoholic, and makes jokes about it, often in passing. He is very funny. Anyone who has any experience with alcoholism knows what he is talking about. Maybe someday there will be a straight spouse on TV who can share the humor we often share among ourselves, not as a focus of our lives, but as an experience that is part of the whole. 

Now imagine if Craig Ferguson announced that he was giving a lot of money to Alcoholics Anonymous. AA is supported largely by private donations, passing the hat, and is well known but confidential. Imagine the possible reaction. “What, he’s drinking again? Well after last night’s show, I am not surprised”. Publicly giving money to AA does not buy you the same credibility as publicly acknowledging that you are a recovering alcoholic, and crediting a twelve step program. Publicly giving money ties you to a group – and the positive and negative perceptions of it. The best public support of AA is among churches and community centers who donate a place for meetings.
 
If Craig or Brad or any other celebrity announced that he was supporting a specific rehab clinic, he’d be lauded and glorified – or criticized if that clinic later were found to be doing the wrong thing for patients. Just look at Oprah’s experience with that. When celebrities donate to a group, and do so publicly, their name is tied to the mission of the group or the effectiveness of the organization.
 
We are a very diverse group of people with no single thing tying us together other than a negative experience in our marriages. So the best strategy is for us to support SSN, and get our friends to. And as Craig says, if you have a problem, find a group of people who have similar experiences and talk to them.  If you are a straight person who discovered that your spouse is gay, lesbian, bi, or transgender, the folks you need to find are at SSN meetings and online support groups.
 
If you are a straight spouse and you work for a corporation that will match your donations of time or treasure for any 501 (c) (3) organization, or buy from a company that will donate to any charity as a thank you for your business, please let SSN know so we can add them to our prospects. Ditto if you have family or friends with a private charitable foundation who would be inclined to show their support for you by making a donation.
 
And if anyone knows Brad Pitt, send his contact info to our Executive Director, Kathy C….