New York National Guardsman Lt Dan Choi in Baghdad

Lt Dan Choi was discharged from the United States Army today for the crime of revealing that he is homosexual.

You may remember Lt. Choi, as we wrote about him earlier in this blog.  Members of our group had the pleasure of meeting him at an event in Rockland County, NY.  Choi is a graduate of West Point, and has been twice deployed to Iraq.  He is an Arabic linguist, with skills that are in high demand.

But he’s gay.  And he’s honest about it.  So he’s gone.  Honorably discharged for a reason that requires him to be dishonorable, and dishonest.

What does this mean for straight spouses and our families?  Plenty.

While Lt. Dan Choi and others who serve honorably are required to be discharged under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell if they disclose that they are homosexual,  there are plenty of straight spouses who are married to gay people who are still active in the military.  They are unable to seek help for themselves because they are afraid of outing their spouse, and losing the benefits active military and their dependents rely on.  They are afraid to get counseling, see a lawyer about divorce, or confide in a friend, for fear that someone will “tell” and their family will be financially ruined.

Some of those wives are in abusive relationships, and know about the homosexual activity their husbands are engaged in, both on base and while deployed.  They suffer in silence, afraid, isolated, cut off from the normal support systems of military families, because they are terrified that someone else will learn the secret.  The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy actually enables spousal abuse.

Gay people who have families with a partner cannot divulge that relationship.  If they are killed in action, it may be days before the partner knows.  The partner is not notified, because after all, there are no gay people allowed to serve in the military. The partner cannot legally marry them, even in states where gay people can be legally married, because that would be telling. The partner does not receive survivor benefits, and they and their children cannot take advantage of support systems for families of deployed soldiers.  After all, people who serve in the military are not gay, remember?

As the government sanctioned oppression of all spouses and partners of active duty soldiers who are gay but not supposed to be continues, we here at the Straight Spouse Network wish nothing but the best for Lt. Choi.  We are confident that he will continue to display the honor, valor, courage, and honesty he has shown in service to his country.  We also have reason to believe he will continue to practice the West Point Honor Code  “A cadet will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do” in all his future endeavors.

At long last, President Obama is taking action on his campaign promise to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  On Tuesday, February 2 he and Joint Chiefs chairman Admiral Mike  Mullen will appear before Congress and reveal the plan they have for fully integrating homosexuals into the armed forces.  The president is expected to issue an executive order halting the dismissal of service members who are gay when they are outed by a third party.

What does this have to do with straight spouses?

It means that those of us who are married to closeted homosexuals serving in the armed forces no longer need to ignore our own needs for counseling, disclosure, or medical testing for fear of the secret being discovered.  For families of closeted service members, disclosure means losing valuable income and benefits.  It means that a straight spouse cannot be blamed for ruining their spouse’s career and the family finances if they get help for themselves.

Oh good.  After tomorrow, we can talk.  About ourselves.  About our families.
Is Congress listening?  Maybe, we’ll see.

The Straight Spouse Network is the pre-eminent support group in the entire world for heterosexual husbands,  wives, and ex spouses of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered people.  Like it or not, we are family.  We are a peer to peer support group that functions in complete confidentiality.  We also are a resource for counselors and therapists who work with families to resolve the issues that are presented when a closeted spouse comes out, or when a straight spouse discovers that their husband or wife has a same sex attraction.

In the days ahead, the straight spouses and families of closeted members of the military will be needing help to make the adjustment to life outside the closet.  The Straight Spouse Network is here to provide that direct assistance to them, and to be resource for those family services professionals who will be working with them.

Kathy Callori, Dan Choi, Carol Silverman

Shortly after the election, we commented on the possible repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. For all the hype and hysteria, no one is talking about military families who remain closeted, or who will be completely shocked and surprised if disclosure becomes an option for gay people in the United States Armed Forces.

Well, since no one is talking about us, we just have to speak up for ourselves. And that is why you will sometimes see representatives of the Straight Spouse Network at Gay Pride events. We reach out and build bridges to advocates in the gay community, making sure that they understand our perspective and our concerns.

At a recent Gay Pride Event in Rockland County, NY, our Executive Director, Kathy Callori and the facilitator of the Westchester County NY group, Carol Silverman, heard Lt. Dan Choi speak about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. You might remember Choi from Rachel Maddow’s interview when he was dismissed from the Army National Guard in May for admitting that he was gay on one of her earlier interviews. Choi is an infantry leader who served honorably in Iraq, and an Arabic linquist. He is also a West Point graduate.

About 12,500 soldiers have been dismissed for being gay as a result of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell since the policy was first in effect during the Clinton Administration. The letter Choi received stated “your actions negatively affected the good order” of the army national guard. The actions referred to are publicly stating that he is gay, not anything related to his service.

Choi contends that as a West Point graduate who fully practices the honor code, he is bound to tell the truth, and not lie.  While it could be argued that Choi didn’t HAVE to tell because his sex life is no one’s business, the fact is that he and other gays in the active military are compelled to lead a life denying their families and partners by omission that heterosexuals are not compelled to do. No one has ever told a heterosexual married officer to not disclose his sex life because his wife joined an officer’s wives club. No one has ever told a heterosexual member of the armed forces that attending events on base with spouse and family is acknowledging their sex life. There are many activities, networks,and benefits for military families that the children and partners of gay people serving in the military are excluded from because that would lead to disclosure and dismissal. Legal same sex spouses and partners of LGBT soldiers are not able to publicly acknowledge their relationship, and must remain invisible. Should a gay soldier be killed while deployed, the partner will not be notified, but must wait for an “official” family member to tell them. Same sex spouses and partners cannot go on base, shop in the commissary, or participate in base life. If they are raising the couple’s children, they cannot participate in family activities.

Gay people in the military have few choices – either disclose their homosexuality and face less than honorable dismissal as Choi has done, or hide their family and partner. Or, they can marry a heterosexual person, and perpetuate the deception on someone else. And that is where the Straight Spouse Network comes in.

What will happen to the heterosexual spouses of closeted LGBT soldiers once Dont Ask Don’t Tell is repealed? Will they be given support, counseling? How will these disclosures affect their lives?

The repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell will force the military to acknowledge that gay service members have families. We straight spouses are part of those families, usually unintentionally. When we discover a spouse’s homosexuality, we need counseling, medical help, support. But straight spouses of LGBT soldiers are also forced to hide, to remain closeted, during a traumatic time when they need to reach out for support and affirmation for their own issues. If they disclose that their spouse is gay, their spouse will be discharged, and their family will not receive benefits.

The Straight Spouse Network is here to support all straight spouses through the traumas of discovery, disclosure, and through the process of moving on in a positive direction. It is our hope that if the Obama administration proceeds with the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, that family counselors and friends of straight spouses will not hesitate to refer the heterosexual husbands and wives of newly outed gay service members to us for support.

With the upcoming inauguration of Barack Obama as President of the United States, there is a lot of recent attention to this video which features incoming press secretary Robert Gibbs answering a question about overturning the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy with a simple answer.

Yes.

Sure sounds like Yes we can. And now it is more likely Yes we will.

Fox News calls this a possible re-igniting of the culture wars.  Gay rights groups justifiably proclaim relief for GLBT members in the service from having to remain closeted in order to honorably serve their country.

Whether we like the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell or not, one thing is certainly clear.  No one is talking about what will happen to the straight husbands and wives of gay military members who out themselves or who are outed by others.  So let’s talk about that here.

If all the media attention is going to be on culture wars – homophobia, military benefits to gay partners, gay rights – then the straight spouses will still be caught in the crossfire of that culture war, and likely no one will want to even notice. All of us know that the healing from discovery or disclosure can take years.

Are family services within all branches of the military currently equipped to deal with the counseling and adjustments that will be necessary for spouses and children?  Are on and off base military communities ready to support and accept the straight spouses and children, keep the children free from harassment, continue social relationships with the straight spouse where appropriate?  Is the expectation that the family crisis will be handled just like any other family crisis of a divorced member of the armed forces?  What about the minority of us who do not divorce, remaining openly married to someone who is openly gay?  It doesn’t happen a lot, but it does happen – and often for some good reasons.

In many respects, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is a huge relief for us and our families.  We don’t have to hide anymore in someone else’s closet.  And if in anger or despair we force our gay spouse out of the closet, we no longer have to worry about losing the generous benefits that a career in the military awards families of those who serve.  It frees us from the fear, and from the lies that we live because of the fear.

The repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell will mean major changes for some military families – changes in their relationships, marriages, lifestyles, networks, and support systems.  And for that reason, the Straight Spouse Network is here to help.  We are the preeminent support group for heterosexual men and women who are the current or former spouses or significant others of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered people.  We have resources available for counselors, and face to face and online support groups internationally.  One of the most important things we do is affirm the experiences of one another – and accept the various solutions, decisions, and approaches each of us makes on the journey toward healing.

We are here to help any straight spouse of a gay member of the military.  We are here to help and advise the counselors on base and off who serve them.  We are here to help clergy in military communities cope with the complicated questions and issues that mixed orientation marriages have.

Some of us are veterans of more than just the culture wars.

We have sometimes been referred to in writings of the gay community as “collateral damage” – meaning that we’re the innocent bystanders who got hurt as a result of the culture wars.  We are so much more than that.  We are family.

We are here to help any straight spouse, any family and any institution that is affected by discoveries or disclosures of previously closeted military members.  We are here to help you cope, go forward, gain strength, and survive this painful journey.  We can do that with you. We can support you through it.

Yes we can.  Yes we will.