On a recent episode of Law and Order, Detectives Lupo and Bernard are protecting a witness who has had what she describes as a “down low” lesbian affair with a murder victim. The program shows them hiding in a hotel, passing the time. The witness decides she likes Lupo, and asks Bernard “Does he have a girlfriend?” Detective Bernard’s response is to look at her wide eyed and say “YOU had a girlfriend”. The witness looks surprised, but they cannot continue the conversation because they are interrupted by a knock on the door from the prosecutor.

Some of our gay and lesbian spouses do not acknowledge the label of “gay” or “lesbian”. They may even reject being called bisexual, since this is just about one person. They have affairs with someone of the same sex, but do not believe that makes them “gay”. For the straight spouse, coping with this complex situation can be frustrating, an unending riddle.

When our marriages end because of our husbands and wives have an affair with someone of the same sex, the words “honey I’m gay” can provide a sense of finality, a definite scenario. “Honey I’m bi” doesn’t seem to be said quite so often. Rather, the disclosure to a straight spouse might be “I might be a little gay”, or “I fell in love with just this one person”, or “everyone has these feelings, you’re just repressing yours”. Some men did know their wives had been involved with women – but they had no idea what that would really mean in a marriage. There may be further complications after divorce when the bisexual spouse begins to date other people of the opposite sex. If the couple is still connected through children and step parenting, the dilemma of whether or not to tell the new lover what actually happened and spare them the pain of deception is a painful one. The risk of course, is that no one will believe what they say, and attribute it to maliciousness.

For us, unresolved issues of our spouses sexuality are a part of denial in marriage. We may hear that it isn’t really cheating because they never cheated on us with the opposite sex. We may hear that since they aren’t happy in the marriage they decided to become intimate with someone of the same sex. And of course, we’ll be told in counseling and by well meaning friends and family that the unhappiness in the marriage “takes two”.  We are left to ponder the impossible task of satisfying a spouse who cannot be happy with someone of the opposite sex.

The healthy skepticism that Detective Bernard showed in the Law and Order episode is refreshing to see on television. “Everyone” does not have sex with someone of the same gender, only gay, lesbian, and bisexual people do. A straight person who becomes involved romantically with someone who has had a same sex affair needs to know what it really means – and their friends, family, and counselors should not be afraid to speak openly.

Open that closet door. Put the “down low” on the “up and up”.

Lately, it seems that you just cannot turn on the TV or go to any sort of public event without encountering previously unheard of rudeness and hostility. First, there were all those angry old folks shouting at Congressional representatives about health care.

And finally, there was the outburst of poor sportsmanship by Serena Williams.

But wait. There’s more.

Several message boards and online commentaries featured the idea that after all this time, we should “just get over” the events of 9/11. Yup. The single worst attack on American soil in history, we’re still at war as a result, but hey, its a new day, just get over it. Can you believe this?

And just last night, Kanye West grabbed the microphone away from a stunned Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards, saying that her competitor Beyonce should have won. Poor 19 year old Taylor stood there, at what should have been a moment of personal and professional joy, looking strangely reminiscent of Sissy Spacek in the movie “Carrie”.

Well, Taylor, Mr. President, members of congress, and Ms. Tennis Judge, welcome to our world.

Often when straight spouses try to tell the truth, we are interrupted, sidelined, silenced or mocked. Having people be intensely and unexpectedly rude to us is nothing new. Having our grief minimized and dismissed is also, sadly, somewhat common.

Sometimes the rudeness is from our gay spouse. Somehow, we’re not supposed to think that cruising gay websites, looking at gay pornography, or having sex with someone else of the same sex means someone is actually gay. No, they’re experimenting. They’re on the Down Low. Somehow, the fact that your wife is having sex with a woman is supposed to be HOT and you are supposed to be PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDING and compassionate when she wants to bring her girlfriend home with her – to your home. Laughing, snorting, sneering, leering – we’ve endured it all. Then there’s the rudeness in therapy and counseling. We hear everything from how we can work harder at the marriage, to enduring knowingly raised eyebrows and a broad hint that NOBODY is COMPLETELY straight. And lets not even get into the family members and former friends who ask “Are you SURE? How can you tell?” or who suggest that if you want him to be more of a man, try being more of a woman. You suddenly find a lot of people who think that after a year or so, you should just GET OVER IT, because after all, hey, yawn, gay happens. Your world stopped, theirs kept on turning, so deal with it.

When you come to a Straight Spouse Network face to face support group meeting, we won’t be rude to you. About the rudest thing that should happen is someone might be even angrier than you are and shout louder about it! We won’t tell you to tone it down, you might offend someone. Some of us might tell you that we remember feeling that way too! We might have to pull you off the ceiling and dust you off a bit, but we won’t tell you to tone it down. This is YOUR story. And we understand and share the pain.

We’ll listen. And we’ll help guide you through it, toward a healing path. Maybe we’ll make some new friends, build some bridges, gain some new perspective, new connections. We’ll help you realize that you are NOT alone. After all, when your husband is not home a lot, you find pics of naked man body parts on the computer, there are unexplained charges on the cell phone bill, and he’s suddenly obsessed with working out and removing body hair, we can fully understand how angry you become when counselors, friends, and family tell you well, gee, that doesn’t make him gay, ya know. When your wife is constantly in the company of another woman, calling her, texting her, not being intimate with you, and spending much of her free time at lesbian clubs because you just have to understand, she loves the poetry, well, yes, we understand how that feels too. We’re certainly not going to tell you that its so so hot. We won’t hurt you that way. We’ll help you grow strong in the face of that hurt.

As survivors of unimaginable rudeness and hostility, we have some suggestions for the people who have recently been sideswiped in public by bizarre displays of self centered rudeness.

Congress, keep it real, and get to the deal. Mr. President, keep it cool. Ms. Tennis Judge, let the Tennis Association deal with it, and perhaps Serena can take some etiquette lessons from John McEnroe. And Taylor, you just keep on singing and filming your videos. Maybe you should keep singing that song “Picture to Burn” that makes some straight spouses laugh, and other straight spouses cringe. You know, the one where you sing

So go and tell your friends
That I’m obsessive and crazy,
That’s fine
I’ll tell mine
You’re gay,
And by the way,
I hate that stupid old pickup truck,
You never let me drive…

Go ahead and keep singing that song. And dedicate it to Kanye. We promise, no one will believe you.

After all, who could imagine Kanye West driving a stupid old pickup truck?

Tracy Lawanda

We’d like to thank Tracy Lawanda for her excellent interview of Amity Buxton on her blog Aword4U. The interview was featured on BlogtalkRadio.  Amity appears approximately 10 minutes into the show. This is a Christian show, and Tracy asked a lot of great questions of Amity. Much of the discussion centers around truth in marriage.

Amity tells the story of her own marriage, and also of the history of the straight spouse network. What is interesting in this interview is that they discuss a variety of situations, such as marriages that stay together, the number of men who seek support after learning their wives are lesbians, and how others can support the straight spouse. Some of the more difficult questions concern straight women who blame themselves for their husband’s homosexuality, and that homosexuals cannot change their orientation. Learning to figure out who you are, and what you value, and finding the support of those who have gone before you in this situation is vital to healing and moving forward. This discussion is very frank, and covers many of the questions that people have about how a straight person can wind up being married to a gay person in the first place.

The Straight Spouse Network is unique in that we support all straight spouses, male, female, young, old, married, divorced. We come from all walks of life, different religions, cultures, beliefs. Yet, we have this common bond of understanding the process, experience, and unique problems of being married to a gay person who is closeted, living on the down low, and the effect on us and our families.

Our thanks to Amity and to Tracy for spreading the word about the help and support we offer to all straight spouses.

The experiences of women married to closeted gay men are finally coming to light more and more.  On television, in books, on the internet, the subject of “how come she didn’t know”, “how can you tell”, and “marriage to a down low man” are no longer taboo.  What never seems to be discussed in the general media is the blame game that wives of closeted gay husbands endure.

Many have been told by their gay husbands that problems in the sex life are because they got fat, had children, have physical problems, aren’t adventurous enough, are boring, are frigid, or just plain uptight.  For many women, recovering from marriage to a closeted homosexual husband means healing their own injured sexuality.

Some recent books offer fresh perspective on these experiences.  The Other Side of the Closet by Amity Buxton is of course, a classic – but since Amity first published this book, others have also come forward to tell their stories.  A few recent ones are listed below:

You’re What?! Survival Strategies for Straight Spouses by Heather Cram

When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual by Carol Grever

On the Up and Up: A Survival Guide for Women Living with Men on the Down Low by Brenda Stone Browder (page 79-80 talks about Brenda being put in positions that made her uncomfortable, and belittling her objections or observations)

During the holiday season, we often have time to read and reflect – or we make time to do this.  Here are a few selections which are of interest to straight spouses and those who wish to offer support to us and our families.  Whether your are looking for information, affirmation,  or coping strategies in your reading material,  you likely will find it among this assortment of books currently sold at Amazon.com

The Other Side of the Closet – by Amity Buxton. This groundbreaking book was published in 1994 and based on over 1000 accounts.   It presents a variety of scenarios for heterosexuals of both genders, and is very much in depth about the ongoing family challenges and reactions.  A must have for anyone going through this experience, or seeking to understand the experience of a loved one in a mixed orientation marriage. 

When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual (Glbt Family Studies) by Carol Grever and Deborah Bowman.  Just published this year, this manual by the author of My Husband is Gay: A Woman’s Survival Guide offers therapeutic self help techniques along with true stories illustrating a variety of situations and responses.  It offers helpful self realization that the damage heterosexual women feel is not permanent, and hope for the continuing future. 

 My Ex is Having Sex With Rex by Jennifer Lee.  An honest and refreshingly candid account of the struggles within a mixed orientation marriage, subsequent divorce, and the author’s experiences with dating and moving forward.  A very easy and enjoyable read.

 On the Up and Up: A Survival Guide for Women Living with Men on the Down Low by Brenda Stone Browder and Karen Hunter Brenda Stone Browder is probably best known as the ex wife of J.L. King, author of On The Down Low:  A Journey into the Lives of Straight Black Men Who Sleep with Men.  This book, published in 2005, tells her story of her marriage, her discovery of her husband’s homosexual behavior, and her journey toward recovery, forgiveness, and healing.  She offers an important perspective for any discussion of issues related to “The Down Low”.  Since completing a tour of speaking engagements with her ex husband entitled “A Conversation of Reconciliation” she has developed a series of seminars for women entitled “You are Not Alone: Women’s Empowerment – Mind, Body, and Spirit”

 A more recent book about the Down Low is Straight Up Truth About the Down Low by Joy Marie.  This is a well written personal account of personal experiences,  written with the intent of making women aware of the sexual practices of men in the down low lifestyle, how to recognize the problem, and how to avoid placing themselves at risk for HIV and other diseases.  The Straight Up Truth website includes some interesting comments by other women who have shared this experience. 

Straight spouses are entitled to know if their husband or wife is being unfaithful to them with a same sex partner.  It also is helpful for them to know if a gay husband or lesbian wife is unsure of their sexuality.  Many straight spouses blame themselves for any sexual dysfunction in a marriage.  It can be a relief to know that no matter how fat, thin, bald, attentive, or attractive they are, no matter what kind of surgery they have had or physical changes, no matter how many babies, no matter how perfect or imperfect – the reason that the the spark isn’t there is because their husband or wife prefers to have sex with someone of their same gender. 

So how do you tell your husband or wife that you are gay, or at least not completely heterosexual?  How do you tell them that you aren’t sure but you think so?

Honestly.  And with kindness, compassion, and all the love you can.

This is not a conversation to have on Valentines Day, your wedding anniversary, someone’s birthday, a major holiday, or any day that gets commemorated annually or is a special celebration.  Choosing to have this conversation on those days, because that is when you have time to be together, will ruin the celebration or commemoration of those days for your spouse for years to come. It will always coincide with the anniversary of when they learned the painful truth.  But there are plenty of other days to have this conversation, and the sooner the better. 

Some GLBT people think it is kinder to disclose their sexual realization in small doses.  It really isn’t.  Your husband or wife deserves to know the real truth about who you really are.  This isn’t the time to list their many faults, or go over what they could have done differently to make the marriage better.  This is about you telling them who you really are.

If you’re not sure, say so.

If you are a man who has had an affair or is seeing someone, or you have had anonymous sex in a park or public restroom, please say so.  Even if you are being so careful so you just know that no one will get HIV from you.  Your wife is entitled to know.  Despite assurances of nothing to worry about because you were careful, a straight wife will likely get tested – for her own health, safety, and satisfaction about her own health and future. And she’ll probably be very angry that she is in a position of needing to be tested, particularly if she has been faithful to you. 

A straight husband or wife is entitled to know that you are GLBT because they are a person in their own right who needs to make decisions about how they will live their lives in the light of the truth about their marriage to you.  Some may tell you what they want to do right away, others may just be stunned and emotional, and totally blown away by the information.  But they need to know.  Honesty is the best, and healthiest, policy for you both.  And kindness, courtesy, sympathy, listening, and understanding go a long way.  Maybe not right away, but they do help to smooth later conflicts.

Coming out in a mixed orientation marriage is a bit different than coming out as an individual.  There is a partnership, a family, and obligations.  These don’t go away just because you realize that you are homosexual.  Your coming out is a family affair when you are married – and your spouse may not be as ready to come out as you are.  Your husband or wife may want to be more open about it, and not remain the keeper of someone else’s secret.  Regardless of the outcome, straight spouses deserve to know.  When you are honest, you can then work out through counseling what the ground rules are for you and the family being out of the closet, or remaining discreet depending on what is best for all of you. 

Remember, even if you are realizing your true sexuality later in life, you have had your whole life to figure this out about yourself.  Your spouse has had maybe only a few minutes, a few months, a few years.  It will take time to sort it all out, process the grief, anger, and for some the shame and self doubt, before they come to an acceptance and are ready to move forward.  For many people, it can take years to work through all of this.  There are no easy answers, no quick fixes. 

When you come out to your husband or wife, please tell them that there is support for them through the Straight Spouse Network.  Tell your therapist about our resources for counselors of mixed orientation couples.  And most important, tell the honest truth about yourself.

The attention that is paid to straight spouses of closeted homosexuals is often scant, or only given in response to other problems surrounding the painful experience of discovering such deception. One of the problems that appears to be getting recognition currently is the prevalence of AIDS among African American women between the ages of 25 and 34.  AIDS is the number one killer of women in this group.  

One problem is that health care providers ask women if they have had sex with a man who has used IV drugs or who has had sex with other men.  Women can only answer this in the affirmative if they actually know what their partner or husband has been doing.  So, if a woman is married to a man who is leading a double life, her health is at risk because she is faithful and trusting.  Being faithful in a monogamous marriage is generally not considered risky behavior.  But if the woman’s husband and his family and friends are lying to her, she is at great risk.  Because women assume that their husband is being faithful, they don’t ask a husband to wear a condom when having marital relations.  Their husband’s deception can kill them. 

This problem has received special attention among African Americans, and has drawn some scrutiny for the lifestyle choice known as “the downlow” or “DL”.  Men on the DL have sex with other men, are married or in relationships with women, but do not consider themselves to be gay.  They usually hide the homosexual relationship from their wife or girlfriend, as do their friends and partners.  When asked if they are “in the closet” they often respond that gay men are closeted, but they’re not gay. 

The effect on wives of men on the downlow was recently discussed by Amity Buxton and the Straight Spouse Network’s Spouses of Color Coordinator, Sharon, in an interview with Dr. Nathaniel Wilson of the Atlanta Center for Family Wellness.   You can listen to this conversation here. 

Whether on the “downlow” or “in the closet”, the experience for heterosexual women is a common one – anger and pain at being deceived and rejected as a woman, and exposure to a deadly disease with little or no regard for their well being.   There’s no simple way to determine if a husband is having sex with men, and the experiences are diverse and complex. 

People who find that their husband or wife is having a same sex relationship often feel that they cannot talk to family, friends, clergy, or counselors about their marriage.  They often encounter judgement, or avoidance.  The Straight Spouse Network is here to help foster these discussions, promote constructive healing, and give support to families in these difficult and increasingly dangerous situations.

The phenomenon known as the “down low” has received some well deserved attention in recent weeks.  Television spots and articles are highlighting the publication of Joy Marie’s book The Straight-Up Truth About the Down-Low: Women Share Their Stories of Betrayal, Pain and Survival. This book is a supportive resource for women whose husbands and partners are having sex on the down low- acting as heterosexuals by day but having sex with men at night.  It is a very personal and thorough discussion of a painful experience that is not spoken of too often.  On her website, readers share their stories.  They are sadly familiar to anyone who has networked with a support group.

 Recently, Joy appeared on Fox’s The Mike and Juliet Morning Show with Lisa Durden – director of the movie “PROJECT WOW: Men On The Down Low“, Dr Monica Sweeney, the assistant commissioner of the  bureau of HIV prevention and control, and Terrance Dean,  author of Hiding in Hip Hop.  A video clip of the program can be seen here in two parts.

 Something that all straight spouses can identify with is the emphasis on deception which Joy brought to the program.  When Terrence Dean was describing his experiences with men as being loving, Joy made sure that the entire truth of what sex on the down low often means.  She said “Stop with the loving, having protected sex – you guys are having sex in restrooms, public rest rooms, in parks, mall rest rooms, and then you come home to your “loving wife”.”  Terrence correctly responded that individuals are responsible for their own behavior – and then he told Joy that women should take responsibility for safe sex as well.   “I should use a condom in my marriage?  No, YOU should not deceive and betray innocent, unsuspecting women”, Joy responded to applause.  The other experts on the program said that a woman should have sex with a condom in marriage – because contrary to the story Terrance was telling, down low men do not use condoms when having sex with other men, so as to not face the reality that they are “gay”. 

 The program concluded with the introduction of LaJoyce Brookshire, bestselling author Soul Food and now her personal story, Faith Under Fire, who told of being married to a man on the downlow who is now dead from AIDS.  She did not know when she married him that his first wife had died of AIDS as well.   She too recounted a description familiar to many straight wives,  of marriage to a homophobic, verbally abusive, deeply disturbed man.  LaJoyce said to always ask questions, which she did not ask her husband, about his previous experience. 

 The conversation about the down low as it pertains to women is mostly about AIDS which is the number 1 killer of African American women between the ages of 25 and 34.  The down low certainly contributes to this statistic.  What is often NOT discussed is the emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, and social toll on the heterosexual woman as well as the risk for AIDS. 

 We give a great big shout out to Joy and LaJoyce for telling their stories and encouraging  others to share theirs.

 The process of learning that our husbands are gay or our wives are lesbian is not an easy one.  Frequently while the gay spouse is coming out of the closet, the straight spouse finds they are pushed deeply into a very tight, cramped and dark little closet of anger, despair, grief, shame, and wildly conflicting emotions.  The process is one of discovery and/or disclosure, and sometimes denial. 

 Sometimes the gay/lesbian spouse “comes out” and discloses that they have a same sex attraction to another person or think they are gay.  Sometimes there is no disclosure, and the straight spouse discovers gay pornography, or activity on the computer leading to dating sites for gay men, or steamy text messages from their wife’s best friend.  When confronted with discovery, the gay spouse may incredibly deny the obvious.  

 Or when a gay/lesbian spouse discloses that they are not heterosexual, the denial may work the other way.  “We can fix it.  We can change you”. 

 Denial of the situation only exacerbates the problem.  Here are some classic examples of denial that straight spouses have heard from their husbands, wives, family members, clergy, and therapists:

 ”I’m not gay.  I just like having sex with men”.

“You don’t know very much about men, do you?  We’re ALL curious”

“I’m not gay/lesbian.  Maybe I’m bisexual.  After all, I’m married”

“I just look at gay porn to see if I’m as big as they are”

“I’m not gay, I just fell in love with the person”

“Don’t label me”

“Your husband is not gay.  He has a same sex attraction.  You will just have to get over your anger and understand the difference”

“I’m not gay, I’m exploring my sexuality”

“He’ll get over this gay thing when he gets treatment.”

“He’s not really gay, he has a sex addiction.  Once he’s cured of that he’ll be ok again”

 Discovery and disclosure are a difficult and confusing time for both partners in a mixed orientation marriage.  Denial only worsens the situation.  The straight spouse can often feel like they have been living someone else’s lie for many years, and may question everything they previously took for granted.  When denial is confirmed by counselors, clergy, and family members, the self esteem of the straight spouse is further eroded, driving them into a secret private world of hidden pain and social isolation. 

 Painful as it is, honesty is the best policy.  The straight spouse has the right to know and make adult decisions about staying in the marriage and going forward with the rest of their own life.

If you are a heterosexual who has discovered that your husband or wife is having an affair with a person of the same sex, or has an interest in same sex pornography or photographs or cross dresses, you are a straight spouse.

. You might hear that your husband or wife is not “gay” – they are just on the down low, or they have a fetish, or a “same sex attraction”. For most heterosexuals, all of these equal the same thing – they have discovered that their husband or wife prefers sexual activity with someone of the same sex. And this is when their world shifts on its axis.

Straight spouses often feel tremendous anger at having been deceived in this most fundamental way. They may find that their trust in others and in their own judgement erodes significantly. The behavior of the gay spouse, whether out of the closet or still secretive affects their family life, their children’s lives, their social life. And in therapy and counseling, focus is often on understanding the gay spouse, rather than giving attention to the process the straight spouse must go through in order to find healing for themselves. Many counselors and clergy get a handle on the initial crisis, but not on the ongoing process of healing and rebuilding a life for the straight spouse, which can take years depending on the relationship. Some couples remain married, some divorce but remain friends, and for others divorce is complicated, lengthy, expensive and involves a restraining order or two.

This blog is written by those who have experienced this painful deception, and who go forward along the various paths of our lives. Many people tell us that they know what they would do in our situation, but they really don’t know unless they have been there.

Comments and suggestions are welcome!