By Cathy Wos

This week I am so sad and so tired.

Tired of being a Dirty Little Secret.

What’s my secret and my crime? Falling in love and marrying a gay man.

I had plans – I had a future. I was supposed to be married, living in my dream home and raising my 2.5 children. But life got in the way of my plans.

And now I belong to the club no one wants to join.

For two years I kept my husband’s secret. I told THREE people he was gay. After we separated I waited six months before I told anyone at work.  I was scared and I was ashamed. I look back and I can’t even remember why. Was I protecting him? Was I afraid of what people thought? Was I shamed by my Church, which told me it was a sin to be divorced and for him to be gay? Probably all of those reasons and many, many more.

But then I found the Straight Spouse Network. And I found people who loved and accepted me for who I was: the quirky, sarcastic girl with the heart that was black on the inside. The girl whose only crime was falling in love with a gay man.

Two things changed a few years ago. I left my job and no longer had to worry that my work with the Straight Spouse Network might be a conflict of interest and I became Communications Director. It was then that I decided that I had to be fully out of the closet. My name was attached to the Straight Spouse Network and there aren’t a whole lot of Cathy Wos’s out there (besides my mother). I had to stop caring what people thought, so that I could be effective.

You know what my Dirty Little Secret is now?

I DO want to belong to this club. I am honored to be a part of this organization. I no longer think that loving a gay man was my sentence or my crime.

And my greatest hope is that with extra money from a big corporation, and all the extra exposure that goes along with it, no straight spouse will have have to feel ashamed or guilty or alone.

Because then this journey will be worth it.

During the month of July please vote for the Straight Spouse Network’s Pepsi Refresh Project:

http://www.refresheverything.com/straightspouse

This week I am so sad and so tired.

Tired of being a Dirty Little Secret.

What's my secret and my crime? Falling in love and marrying a gay man.

I had plans - I had a future. I was supposed to be married, living in my dream
home and raising my 2.5 children. But life got in the way of my plans.

And now I belong to the club no one wants to join.

For two years I kept my husband's secret. I told THREE people he was gay.
After we separated I waited six months before I told anyone at work. I was
scared and I was ashamed. I look back and I can't even remember why. Was I
protecting him? Was I afraid of what people thought? Was I shamed by my
Church, which told me it was a sin to be divorced and for him to be gay?
Probably all of those reasons and many, many more.

But then I found the Straight Spouse Network. And I found people who loved and
accepted me for who I was: the quirky, sarcastic girl with the heart that was
black on the inside. The girl whose only crime was falling in love with a gay man.

Two things changed a few years ago. I left my job and no longer had to worry
that my work with the Straight Spouse Network might be a conflict of interest
and I became Communications Director. It was then that I decided that I had to
be fully out of the closet. My name was attached to the Straight Spouse
Network and there aren't a whole lot of Cathy Wos's out there (besides my
mother). I had to stop caring what people thought, so that I could be effective.

You know what my Dirty Little Secret is now?

I DO want to belong to this club. I am honored to be a part of this
organization. I no longer think that loving a gay man was my sentence or my crime.

And my greatest hope is that with extra money from a big corporation, and all
the extra exposure that goes along with it, no straight spouse will have have
to feel ashamed or guilty or alone.

Because then this journey will be worth it.

During the month of July please vote for the Straight Spouse Network's Pepsi
Refresh Project:

http://www.refresheverything.com/straightspouse

During Pride celebrations last month, many LGBT people saw the presence of some straight spouses at those events. The focus of the Straight Spouse Network is not Pride, nor advocacy for gay rights, although many straight spouses are personally involved with those activities. The purpose of the Straight Spouse Network is support for current and former heterosexual spouses and partners of LGBT people. So that is why you will see us at some Pride events, giving out brochures, letting people know we exist, that there is safe confidential help for the straight partner. We are usually not there as “straight allies” like members of PFLAG and COLAGE, although many of the people we have helped are indeed “straight allies” – people who support the LGBT community.

It takes time, dedication, and outright bravery to do this.  It also takes money.

The Straight Spouse Network in in the running for two huge grants, and we need votes to get them.  We aren’t asking you for money, we are asking you for votes.  Vote for us on Pepsi Refresh, and vote for us on Chase Community Giving.

We are especially asking our “gay allies” – those people and organizations who have supported SSN in the past, with monetary or in kind donations, or volunteer support.  We seriously need the money to continue to support straight spouses, and encourage positive paths for all members of the Rainbow Family.  We straight spouses are an integral part of that family – and this is the one organization that supports us in recognition of that.  We need every friend and family member behind us.  These grants are awarded based on social networking.

Gotta tell ya, there is some stiff competition there.  Yep, those blind cats on Chase Community Giving sure are cute and cuddly.  More people want to help them than want to help us by voting.  More people have at least enough passion to push a few buttons on the behalf of distressed animals than have shown us the same interest – or acknowledgment that there is a need for help for us when we are distressed.

When we have looked into grant applications, we have been told “sorry.  LGBTQ is not our foundation’s focus”.  It doesn’t matter that we ourselves are not LGBTQ – we’re viewed by funders as being part of the LGBTQ family, so that is the reality.  When we apply to LGBTQ funders, we are often told that support is not a focus, since advocacy is the critical need, and meeting the challenges of well funded anti gay groups.  So, we must rely on ourselves, our friends, our families – and our gay allies.  In short, we must rely on all whom we have helped to help us now.

Find out how you can vote for us on Pepsi Refresh here.  Be sure to share with your friends and allies. You can vote once a day for this!

If you are on Facebook, find out how you can vote for us on Chase Community Giving until July 13 here.  You can even keep your vote private on this, and it won’t appear in your news settings.

In times like these, when so many of us cannot afford to give money, it still is important to know who our friends are.  Thank you for being a friend.  Thank you for voting for the Straight Spouse Network.

The Straight Spouse Network is once again on Santa’s nice list.  And for the fourth year in a row, Santa Claus is giving our supporters a chance to give a really nice gift to loved ones – or a great Christmas souvenir for yourself! After all, if you support us – you’re on our good list too!

Santa will personally autograph a picture, and you can have a brief personalized note.  Children love to hear things from Santa like “Thanks for the cookies and milk” or “I hear you’ve been working hard in school” or “Hope you like the bike!”  Best of all, orders received by December 7 will be postmarked “North Pole, Alaska”.  After that, Santa will be asking his helpers to send the pictures from New Jersey.

We’re very grateful to Santa for his ongoing support of the Straight Spouse Network.  The pictures are $10, and additional photos sent to the same address are only $5.  It’s a great fundraiser for us, and a fun way to celebrate Christmas with our loved ones.

By Janet Mc

There.  I don’t know how much more plain I can make it.  The Straight Spouse Network needs money, badly.  The Straight Spouse Network cannot exist without money.

Our last appeal so far has netted a grand total of  $3000 .  We have approximately $10467.00, to our name.  Approximately $10,400 of that amount sits in a CD.  If no more donations came in other than the above, SSN has about 4 months of life left.  Think about a day without SSN… no a lifetime with no SSN which is where we could be headed. No website, no phone contact, no F2F groups and much more.

No one makes money off SSN.  The phone company and the web host support the lifeline we provide to people reaching out for support.  Phone companies and web hosts do not give away their services to anyone.  The last we checked, the post office does not give away postage. We mail brochures, respond to correspondence, send Amity Buxton’s articles on request.  Sometimes a donation comes back.  That’s very much appreciated.

Incidental costs for face to face meetings, sending a speaker to address a group, networking with non profit supports – that takes gas.  This year gas is around $2.40 a gallon.  This time last year it was around $4 a gallon.  When someone fills up a tank in order to accomplish something for SSN, the gas station does not say, “OH! there’s a deserving non profit!  Here’s your freebie.”

There are costs involved in BEING a non profit.  Accountants.  Lawyers on occasion.  An annual board meeting.  We minimize these costs as best we can, but there are still costs.  We have staff – all part time, all with specific duties, all very minimal.  This organization could not have done the mammoth outreach we have accomplished in the past two years without the regular availability of staff.  This blog and this website are primary among those results.  Staff are being told to cut their hours by 25%.  Most only work 5 to 10 paid hours a week.

People have written books about being a straight spouse, surviving, coping.  We see none of that money, unless the sale is made through our link on Amazon.com.  We are not paid for our brief appearances on television or other media, yet SSN is the first place that reporters contact when they want the perspective of a straight spouse.

Are there celebrity straight spouses?  Sure.  Are they speaking publicly on our behalf?  When they can, which is not much.  Many cannot afford to be identified continually with this problem, or have reached legal agreements with their ex’s that make it impossible for them to do so.  It is a fashionable thing in Hollywood right now to support gay marriage.  If a celebrity were to make a big announcement about supporting us, there would be quite a few questions asked, including “there’s a support group for that?  Uh, so, did he/she need that help?”

Do we apply for grants? Sure!  We’ve received a few. We can make several thousand dollars spread a long way.  Yup.  Grants of several thousand dollars.  Not tens of thousands of dollars.  Several thousand dollars.  Oh, we apply to foundations, and are always looking for new streams of funding. We are now at a point in our development where we have a track record to interest larger funders.

But we have a unique problem – because we are a unique group.  If we offered general support for divorces or troubled marriages, we’d fall under the human services/family services category.  It was with that idea in mind that I visited the Foundation Center Library two years ago in New York City.  I was a novice at fundraising, so I asked the librarian for tips on searching for what we needed.  I described our group.  When I got the usual confused “There’s a group for that?” stare, I mentioned that we were like Dina McGreevey. The librarian indicated that she knew EXACTLY what I was talking about, and that we had a whole category for groups like us.  “Jackpot”! I thought.

The whole category was LGBTQ.  “But”, I protested, “We’re not gay”.  She assured me that for funding, this was all related and we would fit here.

She was right. We do fit there.  That’s where we’ve had the most success, because we don’t have to battle for recognition of what we do.  But the interests of LGBTQ funders are focused on marriage, gay youth, medical care, retirement options for elderly gay couples who don’t fit the usual nursing home scenario.  In other words, LGBTQ funders focus on the unique needs of gay people!  But in the world of non profits, this is the category where we fit.

We have a few donors who consistently come through.  Some of them are gay.  None are outrageously wealthy.  We will continue to apply for funding from community sources, individual donors, matching funds, private foundations.  But in the meantime, we need help, and we need it from you – our constituents.  We know that many of you are facing dire financial problems.

With me, this is personal.  I am a staff member here at SSN – I perform about 5 hours a week of clerical tasks and I edit this blog.  I was divorced 10 years ago, and my divorce and custody proceedings lasted 4 years.  It ended at the appellate level, where my ex’s continued requests for an iron clad 50/50 custody agreement were denied, and we were free to be a typical divorced family – the kids lived with me, saw their father regularly on Wednesdays and alternate weekends, and could go with him whenever they wanted.  My legal expenses for divorce and defending my custody of our children cost around $75,000 over a four year period.  I am impoverished, living in a new area, working a full time job that does not pay enough. I was unemployed for a while, like many of you.   I have a lot of debt – in fact, I am drowning in debt.  I focused most of my energy and money for the last ten years on my children’s survival, and not on me.  Consequently, I now have health issues.

So, like many of you, I cannot just write a check.  But I support SSN in the following ways:

1.  I donate SOMETHING every year.
2.  Last year when my car died, I turned a lemon into lemonade.  I donated my car. SSN got about $200.  I was surprised they got that much.
3.  I am selling my life on Ebay right now.  SSN gets a portion of the sale through Missionfish.
4.  I am rewriting my will.  I don’t think there will be much, but SSN will get something.  If my children predecease me, SSN will get it all.  Not that there is much.
5. Many of you in my face to face group and online communities know that I recently have taken up running.  I am not very good at it, and all the races I have done so far have been sponsored by specific charities.  This is an expensive thing to do, and SSN cannot afford to sponsor a race.  But, when I am ready for a public race, where I can raise money for my own cause, you will find me putting up a donation site on Firsgtiving where my friends can donate to SSN in support of me.  If you are currently a marathon runner and would like to set up a donation site for SSN, I can assist you. You can make it private, so that only the people you choose will know.

Being gay is not a choice, and being in a mixed orientation marriage is not something that many of us straight spouses would have chosen if we had known before the wedding that our spouse was gay, or what that really meant.  WE DO HAVE CHOICES in how we deal with our current situation.  We can choose to support the only non profit organization that is a direct, free resource for all straight spouses in the world.  Or we can whine about how gay people, government, and social services ought to pay up, how things are not fair, and go down with a high priced pity party.  NO ONE WILL SUPPORT US IF WE DO NOT SUPPORT SSN OURSELVES. If you have received help from SSN, networked with other straight spouses over several months or even years, or gotten over the hump and are getting on with your life now, we need you to remember us with a donation.

So stop whining and put your money where your mouth is.  Put up or we will be shut up.

YOUR CHOICE.

If you’re an Ebayer, you can help SSN. 

 If you sell your things online, or have an online sales business on Ebay, you can designate a portion of each sale to go to SSN.  How can you do this?  It’s easy. 

 If you would like to donate a portion of each sale you make on Ebay to the Straight Spouse Network, sign up for Ebay Givingworks and follow the instructions.  You will find SSN in the search menu when you elect to give a portion of your sale to charity. 

 If enough Ebayers get together to support SSN, we might be able to launch a Spotlight on a Cause page.  This not only generates support for SSN, but increases our visibility, and lets people know we are out there to support straight spouses.  How would that be – letting people know they are not alone! 

 When you buy stuff on Ebay, look for the icon that shows a non profit listing.  Then look to see if it is the Straight Spouse Network. 

 We’ll be happy to give a boost to those Ebay sellers who designate the Straight Spouse Network as a recipient for their donations.  Let us know by commenting here, and link to your auction.  Please, only list auctions that directly designate the Straight Spouse Network as the recipient of your donation.   

By Kathy Callori
Executive Director, Straight Spouse Network

Please, if you have not given – or pledged.. think about doing so by MIDNIGHT, DECEMBER 31 and let us ring in the New year with a even better match!! I would love to come close to the goal of $50,000 in Donations for this campaign.

Donations can be by Check made out to SSN and mailed to PO Box 507, Mahwah, NJ 07430 (any check dated by Dec 31, 2008 will count).

You can also donate by going on line to www.straightspouse.org and hitting the “DONATE ONLINE” BUTTON on the left of the screen and following directions. Our site is quite secure.

You can also make a pledge by contacting me directly.

Happy New Year to All and Thanks for all you do for SSN

Lets be blunt – in times like these, everyone needs money.  After all, gas costs money. 

 Websites cost money.  Publications cost money.  Training and resources for leaders costs money. 

 The Straight Spouse Network needs money.  Continuing to be the pre-eminent resource of  support of heterosexual spouses of glbt people, building bridges with organizations that support us and our families, and providing ongoing information for professionals who work with us costs money.  Although many of our families enjoy a decent income, in a time of crisis most people are not thinking about where to donate their excess cash.  That goes double when a time of personal crisis coincides with an international financial crisis.

 But we’re creative problem solvers, and we’ve come up with a few solutions for you to support the one organization that saves your sanity when you discover that your husband or wife is gay.  

1.  
   1. We have an angel watching over us, who will match donations received until Thanksgiving.  If you were planning to donate this year, now would be a good time, because your dollars will double.  We believe in angels, and they believe in us!!!
   2. Suntrust Bank has a promotion until October 31, and it is a doozy! Open a checking account with them by October 31, and then make a purchase using that account’s debit card by February 2009, and they will donate $100 to the charity of your choice.  WOW!!!  When you fill out the redemption form, specify Straight Spouse Network.  But hurry!!! The account has to be opened by October 31 or the donation turns into a pumpkin!!!  Suntrust also has an ongoing donation program tied to points for using their check or credit card.
   3. Speaking of banks, do you work for Bank of America?  Because if you do, they have a fabulous matching donation opportunity.  Like many companies, they match employee donations to qualified 501(c)(3) organizations.  They also make donations to non profits where their employees volunteer.  If an employee volunteers 50 hours of charitable time within a calendar year, Bank of America Charitable Foundation will donate $250 to the organization.  Volunteer opportunities within the Straight Spouse Network include helping with mailings, facilitating a face to face group, speaking as part of a panel to represent the straight spouse’s point of view, working a table when we have an exhibit at professional conferences or gay pride, or any specific project of ours that you volunteer your assistance.
   4. Check your employer’s policy on matching gifts.  Many large firms will match donations to specific causes as well as allowing you to donate through United Way.  You don’t HAVE to tell your boss what is going on in your life – just fill out the form for matching donations. 
   5. Now you can list items on Ebay and designate a portion of the sale to benefit the Straight Spouse Network.  Just in time for Christmas shopping/selling!  So if you are clearing out your house, or if you regularly sell merchandise on Ebay, you can designate a portion of your sale to benefit us.  We can also receive donations on Ebay through Paypal, and to sell some of our own in kind donations.  Look to see SSN’s own store on Ebay soon!
   6. Speaking of Christmas, we will again have a Christmas Card sale – complete with our own postage stamp!  You will soon be able to purchase postage stamps with our logo on the web (not at your post office).  You can use these stamps for mailing year round.  It is a great way for family and friends to show their support of you as well. 

 So you see, donating to us is easy, smart, fun, and there’s a thrill when you support us with someone else’s money!!!