Lately, it seems that you just cannot turn on the TV or go to any sort of public event without encountering previously unheard of rudeness and hostility. First, there were all those angry old folks shouting at Congressional representatives about health care.

And finally, there was the outburst of poor sportsmanship by Serena Williams.

But wait. There’s more.

Several message boards and online commentaries featured the idea that after all this time, we should “just get over” the events of 9/11. Yup. The single worst attack on American soil in history, we’re still at war as a result, but hey, its a new day, just get over it. Can you believe this?

And just last night, Kanye West grabbed the microphone away from a stunned Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards, saying that her competitor Beyonce should have won. Poor 19 year old Taylor stood there, at what should have been a moment of personal and professional joy, looking strangely reminiscent of Sissy Spacek in the movie “Carrie”.

Well, Taylor, Mr. President, members of congress, and Ms. Tennis Judge, welcome to our world.

Often when straight spouses try to tell the truth, we are interrupted, sidelined, silenced or mocked. Having people be intensely and unexpectedly rude to us is nothing new. Having our grief minimized and dismissed is also, sadly, somewhat common.

Sometimes the rudeness is from our gay spouse. Somehow, we’re not supposed to think that cruising gay websites, looking at gay pornography, or having sex with someone else of the same sex means someone is actually gay. No, they’re experimenting. They’re on the Down Low. Somehow, the fact that your wife is having sex with a woman is supposed to be HOT and you are supposed to be PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDING and compassionate when she wants to bring her girlfriend home with her – to your home. Laughing, snorting, sneering, leering – we’ve endured it all. Then there’s the rudeness in therapy and counseling. We hear everything from how we can work harder at the marriage, to enduring knowingly raised eyebrows and a broad hint that NOBODY is COMPLETELY straight. And lets not even get into the family members and former friends who ask “Are you SURE? How can you tell?” or who suggest that if you want him to be more of a man, try being more of a woman. You suddenly find a lot of people who think that after a year or so, you should just GET OVER IT, because after all, hey, yawn, gay happens. Your world stopped, theirs kept on turning, so deal with it.

When you come to a Straight Spouse Network face to face support group meeting, we won’t be rude to you. About the rudest thing that should happen is someone might be even angrier than you are and shout louder about it! We won’t tell you to tone it down, you might offend someone. Some of us might tell you that we remember feeling that way too! We might have to pull you off the ceiling and dust you off a bit, but we won’t tell you to tone it down. This is YOUR story. And we understand and share the pain.

We’ll listen. And we’ll help guide you through it, toward a healing path. Maybe we’ll make some new friends, build some bridges, gain some new perspective, new connections. We’ll help you realize that you are NOT alone. After all, when your husband is not home a lot, you find pics of naked man body parts on the computer, there are unexplained charges on the cell phone bill, and he’s suddenly obsessed with working out and removing body hair, we can fully understand how angry you become when counselors, friends, and family tell you well, gee, that doesn’t make him gay, ya know. When your wife is constantly in the company of another woman, calling her, texting her, not being intimate with you, and spending much of her free time at lesbian clubs because you just have to understand, she loves the poetry, well, yes, we understand how that feels too. We’re certainly not going to tell you that its so so hot. We won’t hurt you that way. We’ll help you grow strong in the face of that hurt.

As survivors of unimaginable rudeness and hostility, we have some suggestions for the people who have recently been sideswiped in public by bizarre displays of self centered rudeness.

Congress, keep it real, and get to the deal. Mr. President, keep it cool. Ms. Tennis Judge, let the Tennis Association deal with it, and perhaps Serena can take some etiquette lessons from John McEnroe. And Taylor, you just keep on singing and filming your videos. Maybe you should keep singing that song “Picture to Burn” that makes some straight spouses laugh, and other straight spouses cringe. You know, the one where you sing

So go and tell your friends
That I’m obsessive and crazy,
That’s fine
I’ll tell mine
You’re gay,
And by the way,
I hate that stupid old pickup truck,
You never let me drive…

Go ahead and keep singing that song. And dedicate it to Kanye. We promise, no one will believe you.

After all, who could imagine Kanye West driving a stupid old pickup truck?

It’s not uncommon in the course of a mixed orientation marriage for an individual with a same sex attraction to deny being gay.  Gay means swishy.  Gay means women with butch haircuts and mannish clothing.  Gay means attitude.  Gay means being “in the life”. 

 So honey, I’m only a little bit gay and you should put up with it or make me stop.  Or you should understand and get educated about just what gay means since you obviously don’t know anything.  Or, I wasn’t interested in the same sex until I met this wonderful person who makes me feel wonderful -  something I never got from you!!! And guess what?  Just because I look at erotic pictures of the same gender as me, just because I have sex with men doesn’t mean I am gay.” 

 The fact is that human sexuality is a varied and subtle spectrum.  Some people certainly do not fit the “labels”.  But when it comes to a relationship going forward, all the straight spouse’s understanding of all the dynamics of same sex attraction will not matter one bit unless the straight person’s needs, perceptions, feelings and desires are given equal time and attention.  

 Honey you KNOW I have sex with my lesbian lover.  So why are you so upset to see she  left her stuff here, or you passed her car on the way home?  Why are you so angry when she calls during our dinner, our family time, our vacation time, and whats the problem with me talking to her.  After all, I go into another room, away from you.  It’s not like you don’t know!  At least I’m honest about it! 

 Imagine a heterosexual wife telling her heterosexual husband these things about her need for the other man.  Imagine a heterosexual man telling his heterosexual wife these things about his need for a mistress.  For the straight spouse, the experience is similar – but also very different.  Because the same sex aspect of the extramarital relationship makes others uncomfortable, the straight spouse or partner cannot express their anger, their frustration, their disgust.  If they set limits, they are sometimes accused of being abusive, intolerant, homophobic, crazy.  If their husband or wife is completely denying any homosexual activity to the rest of the world, they must endure well meaning people “explaining” to them what is “really” going on. 

 Despite the daunting challenge, there are couples who remain in mixed orientation marriages.  This requires a great deal of communication and mutual respect.  Most couples separate, many remain on friendly terms, others do not.  How the straight partner is treated, respected, acknowledged within the relationship and within therapy has great impact on the future of any ongoing relationship. 

 The Straight Spouse Network has a small library of articles for therapists, marriage counselors, and individuals seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed orientation marriages.  If you would like to know more about these resources, please contact us.  We are the pre eminent support source for straight spouses in all sorts of relationships.  Perhaps the most valuable thing about what we offer to heterosexual husbands and wives in mixed orientation marriages is affirmation and a safe place to discuss what is happening to them in their life. 

     By Amity Buxton

It’s time to go back to the beginning, I think, to clarify why straight spouses need to be heard in the current conversations about social justice swirling around us. It is not because they are overlooked, which they are. Rather, straight spouses want desperately to share their wide lens on what happens to their families when their husbands or wives come out. Every family member — they, their gay or lesbian partners, and their children — is hurt by antigay sentiments and action, such as constitutional amendments and laws that limit legal marriage to that of a man and women.

Up to two million gay men and lesbians in the United States have followed the traditional idea that marriage is limited to a man and a woman and have entered a presumably heterosexual marriage usually without the straight spouse’s knowledge of their sexual orientation and often without the gay or lesbian spouse’s acknowledgment or realization. They marry because they truly love their fiancés and want to raise a family and also to meet societal expectations. Their faith communities, families, and society in general expect that marriage will occur in almost everyone’s life and that it would, of course, be with someone of the opposite gender. While many gay men and lesbians now do not feel a need to follow the traditional pattern, a number still do. So, don’t stop reading

Once they marry a straight person, most lesbians and gay men struggle to suppress or deny their same-sex attraction and become totally involved in the marriage and parenthood. However neither prayer nor practice changes their sexual orientation. For most, their internal struggle escalates, often reaching severe depression, until something happens to change the pattern. The children finish school and leave home, or they meet someone socially or at work, or the Internet invites them to explore and — poof! — their same-sex attractions are ignited or they unexpectedly fall in love. When they disclose (or are discovered), that they are really gay or lesbian, their straight wives or husbands are devastated, their children confused. Though some couples manage to stay married, because of their long history, love and close friendship, the good of the family, or the difficulty of separating, most divorce – and their children lose a two-parent home.

I lived that experience, watching my gay husband suffer without knowing why until he came out. As I then met and studied straight spouses across the country, I saw that they, like their gay and lesbian mates, were stigmatized, too, and so were their children. I saw, too, that their issues and those of their families were ignored and not understood, as they tried to protect their gay spouses and children from rejection in their churches or synagogues, jobs, schools or communities. That’s why I founded the Straight Spouse Network in 1991 to provide confidential personal support for straight men and women who faced this unforeseen family crisis for which they were not prepared.

Given these scenarios that repeat themselves across the country, the rationale for legalizing one man-one woman marriage as the only marriage form and a way to bring stability to the community is sabotaged by the reality of the family crises experienced by mixed-orientation couples. Neither spouse entering those marriages has high odds of fulfilling his or her hope of creating a lasting relationship and family. No children born to them can be sure their two parents will stay together.

Revealing the devastating impact on families of couples married under the one-man/one-woman societal imperative is the reason why straight spouses want their voices heard by proponents of laws designed to exclude gay and lesbian couples from marrying. Avoiding the perpetuation of this kind of harm to families is reason enough to pass laws that enable gay men and lesbians, no less than other adults, to marry any person to whom they wish to commit their lives and love, regardless of gender. Only then can the hopes of all spouses and families in the United States have the greatest possible chance of being fulfilled.