You can read all about the legal decision in California, upholding gay marriage, and overturning the referendum against it. There are plenty of articles about how gay people are affected, how married people are affected, how churches and clergy are affected, how society is affected, how the institution of marriage is affected.

There’s very little written or spoken about how we straight spouses and straight partners are affected.

It would be naive to argue that all of our marriages would have never occurred if gay marriage were legal. Some might not have occurred. However, for some of us, the prospect and reality of gay marriage engenders a hope that there will be fewer reasons going forward for a gay person to seek intimacy and family connection by marrying a straight person.

These realities haven’t come about in our lives BECAUSE of gay marriage. They’re already there, consequences of our “one man-one woman marriages” which were also “one gay-one straight marriages”.

The most important direct impact gay marriage has on us is in the moving forward phase, after our separations and divorces. Many of us who have children have long had to deal with step parenting issues that arise with our gay former spouse’s new partner. Now, with a legal designation of marriage in some areas, we can move forward with the same set of laws and expectations in place as any other step family. For many of our children, the shock of having a gay parent is really secondary to the shock of divorce, because divorce has more of a direct impact on their lives.

Gay marriage means if our children are dependents of the gay parent, they are legal dependents of the gay step parent as well – which could open up employer sponsored health insurance to them if we ourselves are not able to provide coverage. For some of our families, the alternative for our children’s health insurance has been Medicaid, even though our ex’s long time gay partner has good insurance, but no legal standing as a married person with dependents.

It can also mean that a gay couple will use the legitimacy of marriage to bully the straight parent. This “I have a new husband/wife who will be a better mother/father than the one I’m replacing” school of divorced parenting happens in heterosexual divorces where litigation over children is used as a weapon of control. It can be expected a variation will continue with gay marriage too.

It can mean that claims by straight spouses of infidelity,  fraud or deceit in the marriage may be honored more than they are now, since the legal definition of marriage will include gays. It can mean that there will be fewer restrictions on straight ex spouses speaking about their ex being gay. After all, that is the truth we and our families live, and is not badmouthing when spoken honestly.

Sadly, the inevitable legal appeals will have another consequence for us – yet again, our lives will continue to be dismissed and ignored unless we can be used to further someone else’s agenda. Straight spouses are not a monolithic group. We don’t speak with one voice or with one experience. We do have a common need for support, affirmation, confirmation, and recognition of the process of our healing. Many of us support gay marriage, many of us oppose it. Some of us support it as a civil institution but would be uncomfortable with it in our churches. The fearful spectors of what gay marriage will bring are the realities that we now live with. Some of us have horrible family situations, some of us have made for a peaceable realm within our so called rainbow families, which actually are step families. No matter, we exemplify what there is to be afraid of, and so we are shoved aside, along with any recognition of our ongoing need for counseling, support, friendship, and normalcy.

Ongoing appeals of the California decision on Prop 8 also bear consequences for the Straight Spouse Network. Like it or not, as a non profit we are lumped into the category of LGBTQ charities, even though the people we serve are not LGBTQ. Within that narrow category, foundations that might give us grants to carry on our important and largely unnoticed work will have to choose their priorities. For many foundations who fund LGBTQ charities as a mission, the priority will be funding gay marriage litigation, not funding recovery programs for straight spouses.

Our reality continues, unchanged. For many of our families, the ability of our former husbands and wives to now marry their gay partners is a welcome relief. For others, it’s a nightmare – but a personal one, not a social one.

A while back, the board of the Straight Spouse Network took an official position on gay marraige.  You can read that position here.

The legal struggles over gay marriage continue. Defeated in Maine, New Jersey appears to be the next battleground during the lame duck session.

Isn’t that a nice way to describe what happens to our families, too?  Battleground?

After all, we straight spouses are often referred to as “Collateral Damage”.  The dehumanizing of people with this term often happens in the context of a battle.  Actually, it happens during a war – and in our families, gay marriage is just one battle front, the one that is most often publicly acknowledged.

Proponents and opponents of gay marriage all have their own arguments about what happens to our families, and how gay marriage will affect society.  Those arguments never include us, unless of course, it is necessary to present some “collateral damage” to sustain an argument. Like the rest of America, the heterosexual men and women who are or have been married to gay and lesbian people are not unified on this issue.  It seems to be one of those mine fields that many of us avoid, where we’re told how we OUGHT to think and feel.

Some people honestly feel that gay marriage should be enacted at least on a civil level, and that if it were, perhaps there would be fewer incidents of “collateral damage”.  There might even be fewer incidents of straight people having their lives torn up after many years of living with someone else’s deception.

Others feel as though gay marriage is just another thing that is forced on them.  If they disagree or question anything or have any difficulty adjusting to the family situation, they are accused of “hate”.  Some of us have seen improvements in our overall family situation after divorce and adjustment to a gay or lesbian stepparent. Others have seen the same situation tear children apart, while straight parents weather accusations of “hate”, and bear the blame for “parental alientation” tinged with “homophobia”.

The current initiatives toward repealing existing laws that permit gay marriage do nothing for straight spouses.  Rather, they raise the vitriol that we endure as we seek to heal and move forward.

There is no discernable ministry to straight spouses among the religious groups that fund campaigns on both sides of the gay marriage question.  Some churches allow chapters of the Straight Spouse Network to meet in their buildings.  Beyond that, there is little attention paid to what we need on an ongoing basis from our faith communities and clergy.  Many straight spouses find that they are welcome in the faith communities of their origin only if they share the correct beliefs about gays and gay marriage, whatever those are supposed to be.  They find that clergy and secular counselors are entirely ignorant of what our needs are in counseling.  Instead, straight spouses are directed to resolve our conflicts in light of how counseling professionals and clergy feel about homosexuality. Join the struggle for gay marriage and gay clergy, or pray away the gay. Neither is an answer to our dilemmas and questions of faith.

We strongly suggest that those who are concerned with the state of marriage pay attention to developing resources for straight spouses to move forward with our honest lives.  We also believe that greater support from counseling, teaching, and social service professionals needs to be available for mixed orientation families coping with stepfamily issues. With or without gay marriage, these needs exist NOW.

AP Photo/Eric Jamison

…but the recent flap over Miss California’s response to Perez Hilton’s question about gay marriage at the Miss USA pageant shows something about the contentious dialogue America is having on this question.

Perez Hilton, one of the judges, asked Miss California Carrie Prejean if other states should follow the example of Vermont in recognizing gay marriage. Prejean’s response was confusing, to say the least.

She said that everyone was entitled to choose one or the other, but in her country, in her family, she felt that marriage should be between a man and a woman.

It’s certainly not confusing to say that you believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman. Miss California’s position on that is clear. But since when is California in a different country from Vermont? And if people have a right to choose, what was Prop 8 about?

It’s not a question where an honest answer is going to please everyone.

Perez Hilton then went and posted a video rant on his blog. Rather dramatic, angry, and ugly. He later apologized for calling Prejean a “dumb bitch”. But the damage is done – there is now speculation that Prejean lost the title of Miss USA because her position displeased the judges.

The question now is – did Prejean lose the title because she gave a politically incorrect answer, or because she gave a confusing one? Or were there other factors?

More important for straight spouses and mixed orientation families – will the discussion of gay marriage become so poisonous and polarizing (even more than it already has) that our children will be further marginalized, pressured, and harrassed for having a gay parent?

There’s a storm brewing, and the Stepford folks are bringing us the weather report.

Recently in response to current developments in courts and legislatures across the USA, The National Organization for Marriage posted a video, warning of a scary, dark cloud storm – mainly the gist of it is that if gay marriage becomes law, their lives will be affected. You can see the video here.

According to the New York Times columnist Frank Rich, this “national” organization is only a few wealthy individuals who have the ability – and the choice – to spend a reported 1.5 million dollars on this ridiculous propaganda, even in this economy when so many families are hungry and homeless. The objective of the propaganda appears to be convincing mainstream Americans that gay marriage somehow threatens all marriages. Well, if you want your life disrupted, try being straight and waking up to discover your spouse is gay – leaves you for a same sex relationship – and then your family cannot move forward as other step families do after divorce because in addition to the gay couple not being permitted to marry, you are your children are shunned, bullied and silenced for building a relationship with the gay parent and gay step parent .

There has been a flood of responses, in comments on the video, on blogs, and on comedy shows, such as The Colbert Report. Here’s a straight spouse response to the plaintive whining:

1. “The clouds are dark and the winds are strong, and I am afraid.”

You’re afraid??? What about us??? The clouds of this type of storm usually are dark (brown) and the winds that affect the families of mixed orientation marriages and divorces are tough enough storms to weather without yet another well funded initiative to marginalize and exclude our families.

2. They want to bring the issue into my life. My freedom will be taken away.

When a homosexual marries one of us heterosexuals in the attempt to live a “normal” family life, the issue IS our lives – and often the freedom of straight spouses to seek support for staying married or separating, depending on what is best for them and their family. And since gay people are already a part of many families, it IS already a part of your life, not just a fringe segment of the population you can dismiss and cast aside.

3. I’m a doctor who must choose between my faith and my job.

Hmmm. Does this mean that gay people should not have access to reproductive health services, confidential testing for STDs, and the right to make health care decisions for a partner? Or does it mean that its ok to just keep on pretending that they’re straight, and continue to expose unwitting straight spouses to sexually transmitted diseases because the marriage is not monogamous? What part of the Hippocratic oath do you not understand? Or is that the Hypocritic Oath?

4. The church group “punished by the government” was leasing a public accomodation. This comment on the video insinuates that churches will somehow be forced to perform same sex marriages. This is false.  All it means is that religious organizations that rent halls, social spaces, or property to outside groups will need to be specific in their contracts and speak to their lawyers about not practicing discrimination in public accomodations.

5. I’m a Massachussetts parent, “helplessly watching” as public schools teach my son that gay marriage is ok.

If you are helplessly watching your son get a public education, you are a very weak parent. Real parents get involved in education. Sometimes this means private school or home school. Or are you afraid that gay and lesbian homeschool parents might actually have something to teach you? Oh, that’s right, you’re helpless. What a burden for your children.

The rest of the video proports that advocates for same sex marriage are not content for same sex couples to be “living as they wish”. Well, there’s a reason for that. Same sex couples who wish to marry are NOT living as they wish. They are living as YOU wish. And apparently, if they DO live as they wish, you believe it will change the way straight people live, and normal heterosexuals will have “no choice”.

Did someone say “no choice”? Welcome to our world.

If same sex couples can marry, perhaps some will have less reason  to marry a straight person, and live a lie.  If you think you will have “no choice” if gay people can honestly marry, we’d like to welcome you to the world we inhabit today – where many of us straight spouses find ourselves coping with divorce, or maintaining closeted secrets in a world where it is still not safe for our current or former spouses to be gay, or for our children to have a gay parent.  And we have absolutely no choice in the matter!!!

NOM claims to be a “rainbow” group of people from every creed and color “coming together in love”.   Where is the love, when you exclude the experiences of millions of straight husbands and wives of closeted gay people, and our children?  We invite you to taste the real rainbow, and show our families some love – and tolerance for our honesty.

Other videos from this organization feature “confused children” sorting out stories such as “Anna and Eve”.  Here’s how your children can become unconfused: why don’t you let them play with OUR children of mixed orientation marriages who have adapted to having a gay parent and gay step parent, and a straight parent and straight step parent. Our kids are remarkable at being able to cut through the confusion of many adults, and of most children – except of course when they are being bullied or shunned.  Oh, wait, that’s right, you can’t let your children play with our children. Something about loving the sinner and hating the sin.

The only storm we’re aware of is the smelly one released by NOM, which seems to have fanned back in their general direction. Straight spouses and our families refuse to drown in the foul waters of the storm of misinformation, lies, and intolerance. Perhaps the wealthy individuals who comprise NOM would prefer that we not live among them, working out our family issues, building bridges, and showing love and tolerance for all our family members, gay and straight.

     By Amity Buxton

It’s time to go back to the beginning, I think, to clarify why straight spouses need to be heard in the current conversations about social justice swirling around us. It is not because they are overlooked, which they are. Rather, straight spouses want desperately to share their wide lens on what happens to their families when their husbands or wives come out. Every family member — they, their gay or lesbian partners, and their children — is hurt by antigay sentiments and action, such as constitutional amendments and laws that limit legal marriage to that of a man and women.

Up to two million gay men and lesbians in the United States have followed the traditional idea that marriage is limited to a man and a woman and have entered a presumably heterosexual marriage usually without the straight spouse’s knowledge of their sexual orientation and often without the gay or lesbian spouse’s acknowledgment or realization. They marry because they truly love their fiancés and want to raise a family and also to meet societal expectations. Their faith communities, families, and society in general expect that marriage will occur in almost everyone’s life and that it would, of course, be with someone of the opposite gender. While many gay men and lesbians now do not feel a need to follow the traditional pattern, a number still do. So, don’t stop reading

Once they marry a straight person, most lesbians and gay men struggle to suppress or deny their same-sex attraction and become totally involved in the marriage and parenthood. However neither prayer nor practice changes their sexual orientation. For most, their internal struggle escalates, often reaching severe depression, until something happens to change the pattern. The children finish school and leave home, or they meet someone socially or at work, or the Internet invites them to explore and — poof! — their same-sex attractions are ignited or they unexpectedly fall in love. When they disclose (or are discovered), that they are really gay or lesbian, their straight wives or husbands are devastated, their children confused. Though some couples manage to stay married, because of their long history, love and close friendship, the good of the family, or the difficulty of separating, most divorce – and their children lose a two-parent home.

I lived that experience, watching my gay husband suffer without knowing why until he came out. As I then met and studied straight spouses across the country, I saw that they, like their gay and lesbian mates, were stigmatized, too, and so were their children. I saw, too, that their issues and those of their families were ignored and not understood, as they tried to protect their gay spouses and children from rejection in their churches or synagogues, jobs, schools or communities. That’s why I founded the Straight Spouse Network in 1991 to provide confidential personal support for straight men and women who faced this unforeseen family crisis for which they were not prepared.

Given these scenarios that repeat themselves across the country, the rationale for legalizing one man-one woman marriage as the only marriage form and a way to bring stability to the community is sabotaged by the reality of the family crises experienced by mixed-orientation couples. Neither spouse entering those marriages has high odds of fulfilling his or her hope of creating a lasting relationship and family. No children born to them can be sure their two parents will stay together.

Revealing the devastating impact on families of couples married under the one-man/one-woman societal imperative is the reason why straight spouses want their voices heard by proponents of laws designed to exclude gay and lesbian couples from marrying. Avoiding the perpetuation of this kind of harm to families is reason enough to pass laws that enable gay men and lesbians, no less than other adults, to marry any person to whom they wish to commit their lives and love, regardless of gender. Only then can the hopes of all spouses and families in the United States have the greatest possible chance of being fulfilled.

For straight spouses, nothing has changed.

The fighting, the arguing, the strident self righteous proclamations about the definition of family continue.  The lawsuits, the publicity, the grandstanding continues.  The defense of marriage as a union between men and women only goes on and on – with no acknowledgement of what our marriages are or were, and no interest in finding out.  No interest in acknowledging our families and the dilemmas we face in reconciling the practice of our faith with our knowledge of this unique experience, no interest in affirming the directions in which our families can move forward, healing, building bridges with each other. 

The definition of family is now once again defended.  Apparently those of us who are or were in mixed orientation marriages, those of us who are children of mixed orientation marriages, are not part of “family”.  Those of us who are members of the large religious groups that funded opposition now have to wonder just whose family are we a part of, if not the family of the faiths that sustain us, that we practice sincerely, despite efforts to render us irrelevant and invisible.

Our children will still go to school and listen to the jokes and taunts of their peers about who is queer and who isn’t, and they will be afraid that their friends will find out about mom or dad.  They will be afraid to laugh or not to laugh.  They will keep a low profile, keep their feelings and their conflicts hidden.  Apparently this is not as worthy of defense as restricting marriage is.  We will continue to cope with our own issues of coming out of someone else’s closet – perhaps in silence, perhaps being criticized for “outing” the ex when we are honest, or for not “supporting” our spouse, perhaps in the isolation of self doubt.  Apparently this is not as worthy of outreach as defense of the status quo is. 

A very eloquent commentary was posted by Keith Olbermann of MSNBC’s Countdown program.  It is one of the few editorial pieces that comments on those of us in mixed orientation marriages and asks “How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the “sanctity” of marriage rather than render the term meaningless?”

 Nothing has changed.  Nothing.

As Election Day is upon us in the United States, close attention is being paid to efforts to outlaw gay marriage in three states.  The most contentious and well funded debate is in California, where the matter is to be voted on in Proposition 8.  The other two states, Arizona and Florida, have proposals on their ballots to amend state constitutions, clearly stating that marriage is only legal between men and women. 

Straight spouses come from many different walks of life, political visions, religions, nations and cultures.  As the preeminent source of support for heterosexual men and women who have discovered that their spouse is gay, the Straight Spouse Network opposes attempts to make gay marriage illegal through constitutional amendments.  These efforts require great funding, debate, pressure, and tend to polarize communities.  These efforts do nothing to serve or protect our families.  They do nothing to make our children safe from threats and taunts at school.  They do nothing to dedicate the tremendous resources of faith organizations toward recovery, support, and healing for straight spouses. 

Straight spouses of gay people are family too.  Our children are family too.  So defending families seems to ring hollow when ours are not included in the well funded efforts to strengthen families.  This is true not only of the right wing, but the left wing as well.  Depending on location, straight spouses often perceive themselves as being indirectly excluded from groups that support gay people and their families, largely by being ignored and unacknowledged. 

How is a straight spouse supposed to reconcile lifelong and unshakeable faith in a religious tradition, when the governing body of that religion is spending tons of money to pass or fail Prop 8, but spends no money, time, or attention on the crisis of faith for the straight spouse?  How does a straight spouse move forward within that faith community when no one will acknowledge their perspective, their reality, their solutions to family communications? Telling the straight spouse that gay rights will make the problem go away, or prayer will change their gay spouse, is not truly addressing the straight spouse’s complex and ongoing need for acknowledgement and tolerance of their process.

Not all mixed orientation marriages would be avoided with legalized gay marriage, but if the option of marrying were available to gay couples, it would be much more difficult to justify marrying someone of the opposite sex and carrying on deception.

The recent decisions by the Connecticut Supreme Court and the California Supreme Court to recognize same sex marriage has ignited the social controversy about what a marriage is, and if it can be applied to same sex couples. At first glance it appears that despite popular opinion to the contrary, the courts have held that the criteria for marriage can be met by a same sex couple, and that restricting gay couples to civil unions only is a lack of equality under the law.  But a recent poll conducted by Connecticut’s Hartford Courant shows that 53 percent of respondents agree with the court decision.  This is obviously as contentious an issue in Connecticut as it is in California. 

 Much of the backlash against these decisions, including California’s Proposition 8 and the proposed amendment to the Connecticut constitution, are rooted in the idea that the traditional institution of marriage must be defended. With all of the challenges to the traditional institution of marriage, it is difficult to see how the legal marriage of two men or two women to one other threatens traditional heterosexual marriage.  No church or synagogue is being told that they HAVE to marry gay couples.  They can choose to not perform these weddings, just as they choose to not perform some heterosexual weddings for various reasons.  Some straight ex spouses of gay people often wonder if gay marriage had been permitted at the time of their own weddings, would their own marriage  have ever taken place? 

 The Straight Spouse Network supports gay marriage, and is not shy about saying so. Gay marriage will not prevent all gay, bisexual, lesbian, or down low people from marrying heterosexual people who believe they are entering a traditional heterosexual marriage.  But it will provide an acceptable alternative for those who are ready to honestly marry a person of their own sex, and will make it socially less acceptable for those who wish to hide behind the appearance of a heterosexual marriage. 

 We would much prefer that those who wish to defend marriage would begin to acknowledge the existence of the straight spouses among them, and open their ears, their hearts, and their minds to the various perspectives of all who have experienced the painful deception of struggling to fit the mold of a heterosexual marriage when they are really in a mixed orientation marriage.

There was a recent discussion on the Str8s confidential email list about actor Brad Pitt making a donation to support gay marriage.  When a high profile person donates to support gay marriage, they are making a statement politically and personally. They are also publicly supporting a social issue which affects their friends, family, and in Hollywood, probably quite a few co workers.
 
The primary function of the Straight Spouse Network is not advocacy, it is support. Advocacy comes with that, but we are not generally a part of the out and proud crowd. SSN’s support is confidential. We do go to gay pride events and take booths to give out information, but we don’t generally march in parades and very few of us feel like dancing and shouting “my husband/wife came out and I am SOOO PROUD!!!” 

When high profile people publicly donate to SSN, the perception could be very different. We do have a few high profile supporters, but they remain anonymous and their support is confidential, just as our support is for straight spouses.  

Much like AA and other support groups, SSN is the type of group that needs to be supported by the people it supports. Other funders look to see that this is happening, sort of like a “pass the hat” approach at AA meetings. Then they feel comfortable donating to meet a specific goal, like maintaining a website, training leaders, etc.
  
Imagine if Brad Pitt or any other well known celebrity publicly supported us. Imagine the reaction. Here’s some of what he might hear:
“Always knew he was gay”
“His poor wife”
“His wife is hot and now we know why”
“They adopted those kids and now this???? ”
“But didn’t his wife just have a baby???? Then how could he be gay?”
“Right. Straight people need money. Gimme some.”
“He gave money to what??? Isn’t that an anti gay group?????”
 
We are not a political cause. (And we are definitely NOT anti gay.) We are a support group for straight spouses, people whose husbands are on the “down low”, people whose wives are “playing for the other team”. In the mainstream public eye, we are not as well defined as groups that advocate for a specific cause.
 
Perhaps someday we will find a celebrity who does for us what Late Late show host Craig Ferguson does for recovering alcoholics. He is a recovering alcoholic, and makes jokes about it, often in passing. He is very funny. Anyone who has any experience with alcoholism knows what he is talking about. Maybe someday there will be a straight spouse on TV who can share the humor we often share among ourselves, not as a focus of our lives, but as an experience that is part of the whole. 

Now imagine if Craig Ferguson announced that he was giving a lot of money to Alcoholics Anonymous. AA is supported largely by private donations, passing the hat, and is well known but confidential. Imagine the possible reaction. “What, he’s drinking again? Well after last night’s show, I am not surprised”. Publicly giving money to AA does not buy you the same credibility as publicly acknowledging that you are a recovering alcoholic, and crediting a twelve step program. Publicly giving money ties you to a group – and the positive and negative perceptions of it. The best public support of AA is among churches and community centers who donate a place for meetings.
 
If Craig or Brad or any other celebrity announced that he was supporting a specific rehab clinic, he’d be lauded and glorified – or criticized if that clinic later were found to be doing the wrong thing for patients. Just look at Oprah’s experience with that. When celebrities donate to a group, and do so publicly, their name is tied to the mission of the group or the effectiveness of the organization.
 
We are a very diverse group of people with no single thing tying us together other than a negative experience in our marriages. So the best strategy is for us to support SSN, and get our friends to. And as Craig says, if you have a problem, find a group of people who have similar experiences and talk to them.  If you are a straight person who discovered that your spouse is gay, lesbian, bi, or transgender, the folks you need to find are at SSN meetings and online support groups.
 
If you are a straight spouse and you work for a corporation that will match your donations of time or treasure for any 501 (c) (3) organization, or buy from a company that will donate to any charity as a thank you for your business, please let SSN know so we can add them to our prospects. Ditto if you have family or friends with a private charitable foundation who would be inclined to show their support for you by making a donation.
 
And if anyone knows Brad Pitt, send his contact info to our Executive Director, Kathy C….