We’ve talked about this before on this blog, but we’ll talk about it again. One of the most difficult things for any straight spouse or mixed orientation couple to face is the question of “what do we tell the children”?and teenage children, as they worry about peer pressure, acceptance, and harrassment.

For most families, children of all ages will likely be more immediately concerned with divorce and how it will impact their lives than they will with a parent being gay.  Having a homosexual parent is an issue for middle school

Younger children want to know they are loved, cared for, safe, and provided for. If you explain to them that Daddy is gay, or Mommy is a lesbian, they may not understand what you mean.  After all, young children do not understand what sex is.  Tell them in an age appropriate way having to do with what they personally will experience if you separate or your living arrangements change.

It’s important to remember that when gay people come out after years of being in the closet, they want to move quickly into their new life.  But when you are married and have a family, coming out involves more than yourself. It involves your family.  It can take a while for a straight spouse to recover from discovery or disclosure and a breakup.  Likewise, new relationships for children have to be considered carefully.  Don’t introduce your children to everyone you are involved with – wait until you know that a new partner is going to be a stable person in your life.  Don’t expect that everyone will meet your timeline in accepting the new situation. And please, choose your partner carefully and remember, all stepfamilies have difficulties at times.

Going forward with family, out of the closet, is important.  If a gay spouse is in denial, the straight spouse should not be afraid to make the decision to tell the children if appropriate and necessary.  The important thing for the straight spouse is to refrain from telling the children in anger, or to get revenge on the gay spouse.  Tell them calmly, possibly with a counselor or clergy person present for support.

It may not be necessary to tell young children right away. School age children and teens may already have an idea that a parent is gay, and be reluctant to discuss it.  When a straight spouse keeps the secret, it can appear to teenage children that they are lying as well.

Honesty is painful, but the best way for a family to proceed.  Just be sure that when you tell the children, do so in an age appropriate way.

Clay Aiken’s announcement last week that he is gay certainly came as no surprise to many people.  Clay made the announcement to put rumors to rest after the August 8  birth of his son, Parker Foster Aiken.  Parkers mom is Clay’s best friend, producer Jaymes Foster.  The two met while Clay was on American Idol, and will raise their son together.

 Congratulations to Clay and Jaymes on the birth of their son.  Parker certainly was wanted, planned for, and conceived in friendship.  The two are not lovers, but they are best friends.  They wanted a child, and conceived their son through artificial insemination. 

 This might not be the way some people believe a family should bring a baby into the world, but Clay wanted to be a father, and did so without deceiving a woman about who he is.  The two are committed to being parents for little Parker, and deepening their friendship. 

 While it is not surprising that Clay is gay, he did the right thing to announce it.  Many people assume that if someone is a father then he can’t be gay, or that gay people don’t make good parents.  Clay did himself and his family a favor by coming out, putting rumors to rest.  He gave people something to talk about – by doing the talking himself!!!