Straight spouses are a diverse group.  The one thing we can all count on having in common is that we have been married to a gay person.  Sometimes we have our experiences in common, sometimes not.  This is also true of our paths to recovery and healing.

Some straight spouses experience a desire to avoid all things gay.  We may have not been bothered by this before, but now we change the channel when programs featuring lgbt performers or characters are on television. We wonder if the clerk in the store is gay.  We wonder if our neighbor’s son is closeted, and if they know. We wonder if we’re the only one on board who is annoyed by the flamingly funny flight attendant who has passengers laughing through a flight.  We avoid gay friends – or our relationship changed with them.  Somehow we want all things, and all people, who are lgbt to disappear from our personal lives.

Some straight spouses do exactly the opposite.  We find a path to healing by getting involved in advocacy for gay rights.  We  cultivate friendships with LGBT people. We read books about the lgbt experience, about coming out, about sexuality.  For some of us, understanding who the gay spouse is and why they have behaved as they did is a big part of our own moving forward.

Both approaches are correct.  Some people need the space away from LGBT life and culture to focus on who they are, what they want, and what their new direction is.  Some people need to connect with gay people, if only to assure themselves that they can still relate to them as friends, or to learn more about the experience.  This is a reassurance that we did not cause our husbands or wives to be gay, and that gay people who are completely out of the closet do not behave as our spouses did.

One common frustration of straight spouses is that while we struggle to understand the gay experience or avoid it, few people  within our general society or the LGBT part of it are attempting to understand us with the same zeal.  While the Straight Spouse Network does support LBGT advocacy with two position papers concerning gay marriage and reparative therapies, our prime focus is on support of straight spouses and advocacy for our own needs.  Sadly, we are forgotten by those supporting our former spouses in their new life, and are often ignored or marginalized by those who assist families in crisis.

Our own needs include a greater awareness among counseling and healthcare professionals of our perspectives, experiences, and the sheer number of straight spouses in society.  Our own needs include recognition of our existence by the general public, and awareness of our need for help and ongoing support.  Our own needs include more research on the topics of mixed orientation marriages and the straight spouse experience, across gender, culture, age, and nationality.  Our own needs include defusing the homophobia that is targeted at us and our children through no fault of our own.

Our hope is that someday, the experiences of straight spouses will be just as commonly featured in the mainstream media as the experiences of gays, the debate over gay marriage, or the sensationalism of stories of closeted public figures being “caught”.  In order to achieve the visibility necessary to reach all who desire our help, the Straight Spouse Network will need the financial and personal support of many people.

We’re here to help. Will you return the favor?

Among str8 spouses, getting healthy is a big interest. Mentally healthy, emotionally healthy, physically healthy. It’s part of healing.

Some of us go on diets, some take up exercise. Some of us who have been exercising all along set new goals for ourselves. Choosing a healthy way to release energy, build strength and endurance, release endorphins has a lot of benefit for us. We find we do have control over some part of our lives – an often ignored part of our lives – ourselves.

Healing and moving forward for ourselves and our families is not an easy task. It can take years to accomplish. But we do it.

For some, getting on the path to healing means getting out of the way of abuse first. All the focus on forgiveness, healing, moving forward does no good if you keep getting rewounded. Being safe – emotionally and physically – is very important for building the strength necessary for healing. That means setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, distancing ourselves from our gay spouses, exes, and soon to be exes, and building our own separate life, centered around our needs and those of our families. Co parenting and custody issues concerning children can sometimes make this necessary distancing impossible, especially where abuse is involved. That’s where the support of family and friends is very important, affirming the good and healthy things you do for yourself and family.

Reclaiming old friendships, making new friends, and planning on time to enjoy social events, company, fun, laughter, and new celebrations are all great ways to help us heal and move forward. For some, a renewed emphasis on spirituality, religion, or a new direction in faith leads to a centered wholeness that heals the spirit. For others, it’s a new job, new residence, new city. Renewal is also part of healing.

Amidst the lingering anger we experience, we often mourn the relationship, marriage, and lifestyle we lost. We thought we were going to grow old with our spouses in a stable marriage – and it was not truly stable, and for some of us not truly a marriage. We develop issues with trusting others and ourselves, nottrusting our senses and expections, even though others may just take some things for granted.Working through anger and depression involves acknowledging how we feel, and giving ourselves permission to feel and express it. For some of us, it takes years to learn how to do this, and let it go. For most of us, the hurt and anger comes back in ways that we least expect it. Building a happy, healthy lifestyle with friends, interests, activities that suit us is absolutely vital for keeping us from self destruction.

There was a recent discussion on the Str8s confidential email list about actor Brad Pitt making a donation to support gay marriage.  When a high profile person donates to support gay marriage, they are making a statement politically and personally. They are also publicly supporting a social issue which affects their friends, family, and in Hollywood, probably quite a few co workers.
 
The primary function of the Straight Spouse Network is not advocacy, it is support. Advocacy comes with that, but we are not generally a part of the out and proud crowd. SSN’s support is confidential. We do go to gay pride events and take booths to give out information, but we don’t generally march in parades and very few of us feel like dancing and shouting “my husband/wife came out and I am SOOO PROUD!!!” 

When high profile people publicly donate to SSN, the perception could be very different. We do have a few high profile supporters, but they remain anonymous and their support is confidential, just as our support is for straight spouses.  

Much like AA and other support groups, SSN is the type of group that needs to be supported by the people it supports. Other funders look to see that this is happening, sort of like a “pass the hat” approach at AA meetings. Then they feel comfortable donating to meet a specific goal, like maintaining a website, training leaders, etc.
  
Imagine if Brad Pitt or any other well known celebrity publicly supported us. Imagine the reaction. Here’s some of what he might hear:
“Always knew he was gay”
“His poor wife”
“His wife is hot and now we know why”
“They adopted those kids and now this???? ”
“But didn’t his wife just have a baby???? Then how could he be gay?”
“Right. Straight people need money. Gimme some.”
“He gave money to what??? Isn’t that an anti gay group?????”
 
We are not a political cause. (And we are definitely NOT anti gay.) We are a support group for straight spouses, people whose husbands are on the “down low”, people whose wives are “playing for the other team”. In the mainstream public eye, we are not as well defined as groups that advocate for a specific cause.
 
Perhaps someday we will find a celebrity who does for us what Late Late show host Craig Ferguson does for recovering alcoholics. He is a recovering alcoholic, and makes jokes about it, often in passing. He is very funny. Anyone who has any experience with alcoholism knows what he is talking about. Maybe someday there will be a straight spouse on TV who can share the humor we often share among ourselves, not as a focus of our lives, but as an experience that is part of the whole. 

Now imagine if Craig Ferguson announced that he was giving a lot of money to Alcoholics Anonymous. AA is supported largely by private donations, passing the hat, and is well known but confidential. Imagine the possible reaction. “What, he’s drinking again? Well after last night’s show, I am not surprised”. Publicly giving money to AA does not buy you the same credibility as publicly acknowledging that you are a recovering alcoholic, and crediting a twelve step program. Publicly giving money ties you to a group – and the positive and negative perceptions of it. The best public support of AA is among churches and community centers who donate a place for meetings.
 
If Craig or Brad or any other celebrity announced that he was supporting a specific rehab clinic, he’d be lauded and glorified – or criticized if that clinic later were found to be doing the wrong thing for patients. Just look at Oprah’s experience with that. When celebrities donate to a group, and do so publicly, their name is tied to the mission of the group or the effectiveness of the organization.
 
We are a very diverse group of people with no single thing tying us together other than a negative experience in our marriages. So the best strategy is for us to support SSN, and get our friends to. And as Craig says, if you have a problem, find a group of people who have similar experiences and talk to them.  If you are a straight person who discovered that your spouse is gay, lesbian, bi, or transgender, the folks you need to find are at SSN meetings and online support groups.
 
If you are a straight spouse and you work for a corporation that will match your donations of time or treasure for any 501 (c) (3) organization, or buy from a company that will donate to any charity as a thank you for your business, please let SSN know so we can add them to our prospects. Ditto if you have family or friends with a private charitable foundation who would be inclined to show their support for you by making a donation.
 
And if anyone knows Brad Pitt, send his contact info to our Executive Director, Kathy C….

If you are a heterosexual who has discovered that your husband or wife is having an affair with a person of the same sex, or has an interest in same sex pornography or photographs or cross dresses, you are a straight spouse.

. You might hear that your husband or wife is not “gay” – they are just on the down low, or they have a fetish, or a “same sex attraction”. For most heterosexuals, all of these equal the same thing – they have discovered that their husband or wife prefers sexual activity with someone of the same sex. And this is when their world shifts on its axis.

Straight spouses often feel tremendous anger at having been deceived in this most fundamental way. They may find that their trust in others and in their own judgement erodes significantly. The behavior of the gay spouse, whether out of the closet or still secretive affects their family life, their children’s lives, their social life. And in therapy and counseling, focus is often on understanding the gay spouse, rather than giving attention to the process the straight spouse must go through in order to find healing for themselves. Many counselors and clergy get a handle on the initial crisis, but not on the ongoing process of healing and rebuilding a life for the straight spouse, which can take years depending on the relationship. Some couples remain married, some divorce but remain friends, and for others divorce is complicated, lengthy, expensive and involves a restraining order or two.

This blog is written by those who have experienced this painful deception, and who go forward along the various paths of our lives. Many people tell us that they know what they would do in our situation, but they really don’t know unless they have been there.

Comments and suggestions are welcome!