By Kevin Stevenson

I am a 45 year old straight guy, a very logical man, with a live and let live attitude and I have never been homophobic, having both gay and lesbian friends and relations (respectively).  Being straight and not in the least bit ‘confused’, I am not troubled by repressed feelings and the gay community doesn’t affect my life.

Until recently.

In March I could have killed someone.

Some two actually. I saw (what I took to be) a lesbian couple, hand in hand crossing the road as I approached at speed. I felt a great anger well up within me.  All it would have taken was a flick of the wrist, to mount the pavement, and to destroy three lives. Theirs and my own.

I was very close.

How did this transformation come about?  What had changed an open minded, non-judgemental character, and all round decent chap into a bigot?

Well, simply this.  My wife had come out.

Now, I’m not going to go into the whole phenomenon of women (and men) finding themselves in mid life. It happens. And thanks to the various LGBT support groups, national and local help lines and pride days etc, they are well served.  However, we, and by we I mean the straight spouses, are not.

I personally found it very hard to be angry with my wife, after all I still loved her, I was devastated, yet understood that this was not so much a choice for her, as fate.

But I was angry.  Angry at the loss of my marriage, our home, our plans, our future. In desperation I started looking at LGBT websites, looking for some clue, some hope, looking for the ‘get out of gay free card’.

Naturally I didn’t find it.  Instead I found endless support for her, celebration of her decision, and on one site, a lecture on how heterosexual propaganda had been suppressing her.  This simply fueled my rage.  My wife had been stolen by lesbians! My LIFE had been stolen by homosexuals!  I was under attack and had been all along!  How blind I had been!

I was doubled up in pain and my head spun. They were laughing at me. Worse!  They were disregarding me!  My marriage didn’t matter, my life didn’t matter, all they cared about was that they had added another to their ranks!!

As I grew more and more enraged, I knew that my attitude was wrong.  Illogical.  Stupid.  Hateful.  Spiteful.  Bigoted.  All the things that I am not.  I was becoming a monster.  I was going INSANE.

In desperation I reached out for help, PFLAG were kind, but couldn’t help.   Stonewall said that ‘there were no facilities for people in my position’, but they did suggest Relate.  Well, ultimately useful, but where was my help line?  Where was my support?  I couldn’t find it, and no one in the LGBT community seemed able to help.

What I really needed was someone, anyone, to tell me that I was going to be OK.  That the homophobia that I was feeling was a natural reaction, and more importantly, one that would pass.  I needed to speak to people who had been through this, even lesbians who had come out in mid life, to try to understand why, how.

I needed help.

But there was no one.  Ultimately, I have found support, through SSN. But my point is that when I reached out for help to the logical place, the gay community, it wasn’t there, the knowledge and the experience that I hoped for wasn’t forthcoming.

I was collateral damage.

If I had seen that lesbian couple on my way TO Relate, rather than on the way FROM Relate, they might have been collateral damage too.

Homophobia is wrong.  But this lack of support for us is a cause of homophobia.  The LGBT community needs to take responsibility for its fall out.  By giving support to straight spouses it would be protecting itself.

I don’t want anyone to suffer what I have gone through.  To suddenly become homophobic when previously you had been tolerant and even supportive, is a frightening and literally mind bending experience.

It has got better.  I can walk by the gay pub without wanting to smash its windows. I can talk to my gay friends as individuals.

I was not a bad man.  I was a man in a bad place.  I have not lost myself to this, as I feared that I would.  I’m not ‘right’ yet, but I’m assured that I will be.

But none of that assurance has come from where I looked for it.

Kevin.

Copyright K Stevenson 2009

The Straight Spouse Network invites the perspectives of various individuals who wish to share their unique experiences. We Thank Kevin for being our Guest Blogger today and permitting us to print his article.

There are many different stories of straight spouses, closeted LGBT husbands and wives coming out, and how families cope. Most of the time, we come to some peaceful resolution of conflicts, and re build our family relationships. At our Straight Spouse Network face to face meetings, people often tell their stories.  For all the people who speak of the anger and pain of an LGBT spouse “coming out”, there are those who experience their husbands or wives continuing to deny being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transsexual. Over time, some closeted homosexual spouses come to accept this part of themselves. It’s a very difficult process for gay people and one which takes time for some.

There are some people who just never will utter the words “Honey I’m gay”. Instead, they tell their straight spouses “You’re crazy”, “You’re making this up” “You’re trying to make me look bad in a divorce”, or “You are ruining this family and harming our children”. They may go so far as to accuse the straight spouse who discovers their homosexuality of being evil, or abusive. When discovered they might acknowledge an affair but explain it away. Everyone does it, everyone’s a little gay, what, you didn’t know?  You did not meet their needs. No, they’re not gay. You are crazy,stupid, homophobic, deluded, hateful, jealous. They continue this denial, and discrediting of the straight ex who knows the truth long after the divorce is over, year after year. Sometimes they encourage the children or other family members and friends to participate in the ridicule.

We’re not talking about deliberately outing your spouse maliciously, to “get back” at them or their relatives. We’re talking about the honest acknowledgement of homosexuality in a marriage, in a family, in a confidential setting such as a counselor’s office. Such acknowledgement needs to be made in order for the couple or family to move forward, regardless of deciding to stay married or get divorced.

For the straight spouse, this continued and rock embedded denial just compounds the agony. You cope with the devastating discovery about your marriage, and face ridicule, threats, recrimination if you even mention the truth. If you are getting divorced and have children, you may face a complicated court battle since the illusion that nothing is wrong with the spouse who denies being gay must be maintained at all costs. In abusive relationships, a straight spouse’s discovery of homosexual pornography or activity further fuels the necessity of a deeply closeted person to discredit, isolate, and ultimately silence them in order to preserve the secret. Let’spretend that all is just as it “should” be, because that’s how it is.

When recovering from the power of an abusive individual, many people find it helps to visualize that person as a cartoon character. If visualizing a cartoon character is your coping strategy for dealing with an abusive closeted homosexual husband or wife who insists that YOU will pay for even thinking such a thing, let alone mentioning it, we have a pretty good cartoon character for you.

The effect that long term closeted denial by a homosexual spouse has on the straight husband or wife is sort of like the effect the Evil Monkey has on Chris in the cartoon “Family Guy”. Chris Griffin is a little old to fear make believe monsters in the closet, but whenever he mentions that there’s an evil monkey in his closet, everyone ignores him – except the monkey, who jumps out and points an accusing finger at him. Everyone ignores the monkey too. This menacing pointing is a lot like diverting the focus in couples counseling to faults of the straight spouse, or entire families deciding that the straight spouse is just totally wack for having discovered and disclosed the truth.

The monkey never actually DOES anything. He just points and looks scary, and everyone pretends he isn’t really there and that the terrified Chris never actually said anything. Sound familiar? It isn’t to everyone, but to those straight spouses who cope daily with abusiveness and continued denial, it is very familiar. With this type of continued denial, the secret must be kept from the closeted individual themselves, at all costs. It’s a distraction – if the family is chaotic enough, maybe the unacceptable sexuality won’t be easily noticed, but everyone else’s faults will be scrutinized.

Just as no one should force a homosexual to remain closeted, no one should force straight spouses and children to remain in someone else’s closet, enduring blame, shame, and isolation to preserve a destructive illusion.

We know that those facing continued abuse have much to fear. Even when we have reason to be very fearful, humor does help. If your gay husband or wife is in the minority of those who will never accept the truth about themselves and continues to physically or legally threaten you as you move forward, we hope we’ve given you some support today with an image that might make you chuckle with recognition.

There’s a storm brewing, and the Stepford folks are bringing us the weather report.

Recently in response to current developments in courts and legislatures across the USA, The National Organization for Marriage posted a video, warning of a scary, dark cloud storm – mainly the gist of it is that if gay marriage becomes law, their lives will be affected. You can see the video here.

According to the New York Times columnist Frank Rich, this “national” organization is only a few wealthy individuals who have the ability – and the choice – to spend a reported 1.5 million dollars on this ridiculous propaganda, even in this economy when so many families are hungry and homeless. The objective of the propaganda appears to be convincing mainstream Americans that gay marriage somehow threatens all marriages. Well, if you want your life disrupted, try being straight and waking up to discover your spouse is gay – leaves you for a same sex relationship – and then your family cannot move forward as other step families do after divorce because in addition to the gay couple not being permitted to marry, you are your children are shunned, bullied and silenced for building a relationship with the gay parent and gay step parent .

There has been a flood of responses, in comments on the video, on blogs, and on comedy shows, such as The Colbert Report. Here’s a straight spouse response to the plaintive whining:

1. “The clouds are dark and the winds are strong, and I am afraid.”

You’re afraid??? What about us??? The clouds of this type of storm usually are dark (brown) and the winds that affect the families of mixed orientation marriages and divorces are tough enough storms to weather without yet another well funded initiative to marginalize and exclude our families.

2. They want to bring the issue into my life. My freedom will be taken away.

When a homosexual marries one of us heterosexuals in the attempt to live a “normal” family life, the issue IS our lives – and often the freedom of straight spouses to seek support for staying married or separating, depending on what is best for them and their family. And since gay people are already a part of many families, it IS already a part of your life, not just a fringe segment of the population you can dismiss and cast aside.

3. I’m a doctor who must choose between my faith and my job.

Hmmm. Does this mean that gay people should not have access to reproductive health services, confidential testing for STDs, and the right to make health care decisions for a partner? Or does it mean that its ok to just keep on pretending that they’re straight, and continue to expose unwitting straight spouses to sexually transmitted diseases because the marriage is not monogamous? What part of the Hippocratic oath do you not understand? Or is that the Hypocritic Oath?

4. The church group “punished by the government” was leasing a public accomodation. This comment on the video insinuates that churches will somehow be forced to perform same sex marriages. This is false.  All it means is that religious organizations that rent halls, social spaces, or property to outside groups will need to be specific in their contracts and speak to their lawyers about not practicing discrimination in public accomodations.

5. I’m a Massachussetts parent, “helplessly watching” as public schools teach my son that gay marriage is ok.

If you are helplessly watching your son get a public education, you are a very weak parent. Real parents get involved in education. Sometimes this means private school or home school. Or are you afraid that gay and lesbian homeschool parents might actually have something to teach you? Oh, that’s right, you’re helpless. What a burden for your children.

The rest of the video proports that advocates for same sex marriage are not content for same sex couples to be “living as they wish”. Well, there’s a reason for that. Same sex couples who wish to marry are NOT living as they wish. They are living as YOU wish. And apparently, if they DO live as they wish, you believe it will change the way straight people live, and normal heterosexuals will have “no choice”.

Did someone say “no choice”? Welcome to our world.

If same sex couples can marry, perhaps some will have less reason  to marry a straight person, and live a lie.  If you think you will have “no choice” if gay people can honestly marry, we’d like to welcome you to the world we inhabit today – where many of us straight spouses find ourselves coping with divorce, or maintaining closeted secrets in a world where it is still not safe for our current or former spouses to be gay, or for our children to have a gay parent.  And we have absolutely no choice in the matter!!!

NOM claims to be a “rainbow” group of people from every creed and color “coming together in love”.   Where is the love, when you exclude the experiences of millions of straight husbands and wives of closeted gay people, and our children?  We invite you to taste the real rainbow, and show our families some love – and tolerance for our honesty.

Other videos from this organization feature “confused children” sorting out stories such as “Anna and Eve”.  Here’s how your children can become unconfused: why don’t you let them play with OUR children of mixed orientation marriages who have adapted to having a gay parent and gay step parent, and a straight parent and straight step parent. Our kids are remarkable at being able to cut through the confusion of many adults, and of most children – except of course when they are being bullied or shunned.  Oh, wait, that’s right, you can’t let your children play with our children. Something about loving the sinner and hating the sin.

The only storm we’re aware of is the smelly one released by NOM, which seems to have fanned back in their general direction. Straight spouses and our families refuse to drown in the foul waters of the storm of misinformation, lies, and intolerance. Perhaps the wealthy individuals who comprise NOM would prefer that we not live among them, working out our family issues, building bridges, and showing love and tolerance for all our family members, gay and straight.