By Kevin Stevenson

“How would you feel..” she said, with a smile, “If I had an affair with a woman?”

And so my marriage ended.

Actually it ended with the next sentence, when she told me we would just be married friends, and she would be exclusive to her new lover.

It is hard to describe how a man feels when this happens. In my case there was very little deceit. Her new relationship didn’t begin until after this moment. It’s Adultery, pure and simple. On paper, she’s in love with, having sex with, and living with, another person. But it doesn’t feel like adultery. My instinct as a man, is to protect my mate from other men. Another woman doesn’t register on the radar. It doesn’t ‘fit’ in the mind. Perhaps this is why some family men find themselves looking after two lesbians instead of one wife.

I should have been angry, but instead I was confused. I was hurt, the pain was physical, but above all was this haze of disbelief. She did not ‘own’ gay at first, so I thought, maybe I can win her back. But I researched, and what I found made me despair.

Being gay is not a choice. Therefore I was not rejected for who I was, rather for what I was. There being no choice, there was no blame. Yet my relationship, my marriage, my family and my home was gone…but there was NO blame??? How?

I loved her and had spent years trying to make her happy, finally she was. I was jealous, and angry. Homosexuality had stolen my wife, and my life. But with no one to blame (and I still loved her) I became homophobic instead.

This is what I describe as core damage. This episode has changed the way I react mentally. Where before I was open minded and tolerant by nature, now it requires effort. Where before lesbian sex featured as part of my fantasy life, now I dare not even think about it, and whilst that may seem a small thing, it is not. It is a loss of mental innocence. I hate the fact that there are places in my own mind where I cannot go, places that I used to enjoy.

This was quickly followed by illogic. If I were a woman, I would be a lesbian. Belittled as a man I failed to see anything attractive in men. Therefore all women should be lesbians. I was asked if I felt that I wasn’t man enough for her. This was ridiculous! The fact is I wasn’t woman enough! I didn’t feel devalued as an individual, instead I felt devalued as a sex.

I felt sick. I felt despair.

And still, STILL, there was the Love. Because this didn’t FEEL like adultery, because she was radiating confusion which evoked concern from me, because I was trying to understand, because I could not focus my anger, I could not separate. I swung back and forth between needing to talk to her and needing to distance myself from her, and worse, she seemed to do the same.

The love lingers, and eats the soul. This is the worst truth of all.

Copyright K Stevenson 2009

The Straight Spouse Network invites the perspectives of various individuals who wish to share their unique experiences. We Thank Kevin for being our Guest Blogger today and permitting us to print his article.

There are many different stories of straight spouses, closeted LGBT husbands and wives coming out, and how families cope. Most of the time, we come to some peaceful resolution of conflicts, and re build our family relationships. At our Straight Spouse Network face to face meetings, people often tell their stories.  For all the people who speak of the anger and pain of an LGBT spouse “coming out”, there are those who experience their husbands or wives continuing to deny being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transsexual. Over time, some closeted homosexual spouses come to accept this part of themselves. It’s a very difficult process for gay people and one which takes time for some.

There are some people who just never will utter the words “Honey I’m gay”. Instead, they tell their straight spouses “You’re crazy”, “You’re making this up” “You’re trying to make me look bad in a divorce”, or “You are ruining this family and harming our children”. They may go so far as to accuse the straight spouse who discovers their homosexuality of being evil, or abusive. When discovered they might acknowledge an affair but explain it away. Everyone does it, everyone’s a little gay, what, you didn’t know?  You did not meet their needs. No, they’re not gay. You are crazy,stupid, homophobic, deluded, hateful, jealous. They continue this denial, and discrediting of the straight ex who knows the truth long after the divorce is over, year after year. Sometimes they encourage the children or other family members and friends to participate in the ridicule.

We’re not talking about deliberately outing your spouse maliciously, to “get back” at them or their relatives. We’re talking about the honest acknowledgement of homosexuality in a marriage, in a family, in a confidential setting such as a counselor’s office. Such acknowledgement needs to be made in order for the couple or family to move forward, regardless of deciding to stay married or get divorced.

For the straight spouse, this continued and rock embedded denial just compounds the agony. You cope with the devastating discovery about your marriage, and face ridicule, threats, recrimination if you even mention the truth. If you are getting divorced and have children, you may face a complicated court battle since the illusion that nothing is wrong with the spouse who denies being gay must be maintained at all costs. In abusive relationships, a straight spouse’s discovery of homosexual pornography or activity further fuels the necessity of a deeply closeted person to discredit, isolate, and ultimately silence them in order to preserve the secret. Let’spretend that all is just as it “should” be, because that’s how it is.

When recovering from the power of an abusive individual, many people find it helps to visualize that person as a cartoon character. If visualizing a cartoon character is your coping strategy for dealing with an abusive closeted homosexual husband or wife who insists that YOU will pay for even thinking such a thing, let alone mentioning it, we have a pretty good cartoon character for you.

The effect that long term closeted denial by a homosexual spouse has on the straight husband or wife is sort of like the effect the Evil Monkey has on Chris in the cartoon “Family Guy”. Chris Griffin is a little old to fear make believe monsters in the closet, but whenever he mentions that there’s an evil monkey in his closet, everyone ignores him – except the monkey, who jumps out and points an accusing finger at him. Everyone ignores the monkey too. This menacing pointing is a lot like diverting the focus in couples counseling to faults of the straight spouse, or entire families deciding that the straight spouse is just totally wack for having discovered and disclosed the truth.

The monkey never actually DOES anything. He just points and looks scary, and everyone pretends he isn’t really there and that the terrified Chris never actually said anything. Sound familiar? It isn’t to everyone, but to those straight spouses who cope daily with abusiveness and continued denial, it is very familiar. With this type of continued denial, the secret must be kept from the closeted individual themselves, at all costs. It’s a distraction – if the family is chaotic enough, maybe the unacceptable sexuality won’t be easily noticed, but everyone else’s faults will be scrutinized.

Just as no one should force a homosexual to remain closeted, no one should force straight spouses and children to remain in someone else’s closet, enduring blame, shame, and isolation to preserve a destructive illusion.

We know that those facing continued abuse have much to fear. Even when we have reason to be very fearful, humor does help. If your gay husband or wife is in the minority of those who will never accept the truth about themselves and continues to physically or legally threaten you as you move forward, we hope we’ve given you some support today with an image that might make you chuckle with recognition.

Straight spouses are entitled to know if their husband or wife is being unfaithful to them with a same sex partner.  It also is helpful for them to know if a gay husband or lesbian wife is unsure of their sexuality.  Many straight spouses blame themselves for any sexual dysfunction in a marriage.  It can be a relief to know that no matter how fat, thin, bald, attentive, or attractive they are, no matter what kind of surgery they have had or physical changes, no matter how many babies, no matter how perfect or imperfect – the reason that the the spark isn’t there is because their husband or wife prefers to have sex with someone of their same gender. 

So how do you tell your husband or wife that you are gay, or at least not completely heterosexual?  How do you tell them that you aren’t sure but you think so?

Honestly.  And with kindness, compassion, and all the love you can.

This is not a conversation to have on Valentines Day, your wedding anniversary, someone’s birthday, a major holiday, or any day that gets commemorated annually or is a special celebration.  Choosing to have this conversation on those days, because that is when you have time to be together, will ruin the celebration or commemoration of those days for your spouse for years to come. It will always coincide with the anniversary of when they learned the painful truth.  But there are plenty of other days to have this conversation, and the sooner the better. 

Some GLBT people think it is kinder to disclose their sexual realization in small doses.  It really isn’t.  Your husband or wife deserves to know the real truth about who you really are.  This isn’t the time to list their many faults, or go over what they could have done differently to make the marriage better.  This is about you telling them who you really are.

If you’re not sure, say so.

If you are a man who has had an affair or is seeing someone, or you have had anonymous sex in a park or public restroom, please say so.  Even if you are being so careful so you just know that no one will get HIV from you.  Your wife is entitled to know.  Despite assurances of nothing to worry about because you were careful, a straight wife will likely get tested – for her own health, safety, and satisfaction about her own health and future. And she’ll probably be very angry that she is in a position of needing to be tested, particularly if she has been faithful to you. 

A straight husband or wife is entitled to know that you are GLBT because they are a person in their own right who needs to make decisions about how they will live their lives in the light of the truth about their marriage to you.  Some may tell you what they want to do right away, others may just be stunned and emotional, and totally blown away by the information.  But they need to know.  Honesty is the best, and healthiest, policy for you both.  And kindness, courtesy, sympathy, listening, and understanding go a long way.  Maybe not right away, but they do help to smooth later conflicts.

Coming out in a mixed orientation marriage is a bit different than coming out as an individual.  There is a partnership, a family, and obligations.  These don’t go away just because you realize that you are homosexual.  Your coming out is a family affair when you are married – and your spouse may not be as ready to come out as you are.  Your husband or wife may want to be more open about it, and not remain the keeper of someone else’s secret.  Regardless of the outcome, straight spouses deserve to know.  When you are honest, you can then work out through counseling what the ground rules are for you and the family being out of the closet, or remaining discreet depending on what is best for all of you. 

Remember, even if you are realizing your true sexuality later in life, you have had your whole life to figure this out about yourself.  Your spouse has had maybe only a few minutes, a few months, a few years.  It will take time to sort it all out, process the grief, anger, and for some the shame and self doubt, before they come to an acceptance and are ready to move forward.  For many people, it can take years to work through all of this.  There are no easy answers, no quick fixes. 

When you come out to your husband or wife, please tell them that there is support for them through the Straight Spouse Network.  Tell your therapist about our resources for counselors of mixed orientation couples.  And most important, tell the honest truth about yourself.