Well, it’s infidelity.  Lies, cheating, deception and all that. Just like in REGULAR divorces.  So just because your spouse has left you for someone of their same sex, you shouldn’t think you are any different from anyone else, right?

Wrong.

It is different.  Way different.  For the straight spouse, anyway.

When a man discovers his wife cheating on him with another man, he has a basic primal urge to beat up the intruder.  When the other man is a woman, he has that same urge. But oops!  Can’t hit a girl, you monster you.  Well, just be more understanding and deal with it.  Don’t express any anger, any hostility, any real feeling.  Ah, drinking again I see.  Well, just remember, if you’d been a better provider, lover, friend, housekeeper, father, etc, things would be different.

Now a man whose wife cheats on him with another man might own up to all the negatives in the last statement.  He might own his part in the breakup of the marriage eventually, because as all counselors always tell us (or so it seems) “it takes two, you have to own your own issues”.  But when a man’s wife has an affair with another woman he is left to wonder just what he could have changed about himself that would have mattered – because she’s gay and just not attracted to him really.

For those who think that having your wife involved with another woman is hot, consider this:  How hot is it for most straight men to be nagged in stereo, or whipped by two women – and not be able to strike back or express anger because everything about being a man is viewed in the negative?  How much of a turn on is that?  It may be a staple of the porn world, but in the real world, it is not much of a turn on at all.  How many straight women expect to come home to their husband after breaking up with the other man, and tell him the whole sobbing story about how they were dumped by the other man, or had a fight with him?  Not many, but this experience happens with some frequency to men who are married to emerging lesbians.

Now lets talk about straight women and their gay husbands’ infidelity, or in many cases, infidelities.  Along with straight women whose husbands are also straight, it certainly is possible that infidelity could happen because the guy married them for all the wrong reasons: money, position, appearances,baby making, mommy.  But then there are the problems of the marriage that go with being unloved or unappreciated or devalued.  She “lets herself go” and puts on weight.  He tells her she’s unattractive.  She’s a mess.  She doesn’t do anything right.  She’s depressed.

So they get divorced, they go to counseling for family issues.  Somehow, her issues are the problem.  The fact that he exposes her to AIDS, devalues her womanhood in subtle and not so subtle ways, and is on the “Down Low” or prefers anonymous bathroom nookie with a man he’s never met before to her love is supposed to be the same as if he cheated on her with a woman.  That means she’s not worth so much after all.  If he is cheating on her with a man who is the love of his life, that says to her that not only is her marriage over, but it was a total lie – and she is left to wonder if the problems with depression, unattractiveness, weight, housekeeping, etc are really her issues or if it was just a cover for him getting ready to discard her now that he’s done.

Yet, many gay husbands think that this means they are not cheating – after all, it’s not a relationship, or it’s not sex with a woman.

You never get a chance to work through what you could bring to the marriage to make it different, to possibly change the outcome if you choose to. No matter what you might do, your spouse is gay.  You don’t have the equipment, and they’ve probably found ways to tell you how inadequate you are before they admitted the real problem.

You never get to own your own issues, because in many of these marriages you own nothing but the lie from the start.

Counselors need to recognize in working with mixed orientation couples that talking about the issue of homosexuality in the marriage IS working on the marriage, and that the straight spouse has legitimate reasons for bringing up their feelings in regard to this.  Our need for affirmation at this time is often pretty keen, because so much of our own sexuality and personhood has been disaffirmed during the course of marriage.

By Kevin Stevenson

“How would you feel..” she said, with a smile, “If I had an affair with a woman?”

And so my marriage ended.

Actually it ended with the next sentence, when she told me we would just be married friends, and she would be exclusive to her new lover.

It is hard to describe how a man feels when this happens. In my case there was very little deceit. Her new relationship didn’t begin until after this moment. It’s Adultery, pure and simple. On paper, she’s in love with, having sex with, and living with, another person. But it doesn’t feel like adultery. My instinct as a man, is to protect my mate from other men. Another woman doesn’t register on the radar. It doesn’t ‘fit’ in the mind. Perhaps this is why some family men find themselves looking after two lesbians instead of one wife.

I should have been angry, but instead I was confused. I was hurt, the pain was physical, but above all was this haze of disbelief. She did not ‘own’ gay at first, so I thought, maybe I can win her back. But I researched, and what I found made me despair.

Being gay is not a choice. Therefore I was not rejected for who I was, rather for what I was. There being no choice, there was no blame. Yet my relationship, my marriage, my family and my home was gone…but there was NO blame??? How?

I loved her and had spent years trying to make her happy, finally she was. I was jealous, and angry. Homosexuality had stolen my wife, and my life. But with no one to blame (and I still loved her) I became homophobic instead.

This is what I describe as core damage. This episode has changed the way I react mentally. Where before I was open minded and tolerant by nature, now it requires effort. Where before lesbian sex featured as part of my fantasy life, now I dare not even think about it, and whilst that may seem a small thing, it is not. It is a loss of mental innocence. I hate the fact that there are places in my own mind where I cannot go, places that I used to enjoy.

This was quickly followed by illogic. If I were a woman, I would be a lesbian. Belittled as a man I failed to see anything attractive in men. Therefore all women should be lesbians. I was asked if I felt that I wasn’t man enough for her. This was ridiculous! The fact is I wasn’t woman enough! I didn’t feel devalued as an individual, instead I felt devalued as a sex.

I felt sick. I felt despair.

And still, STILL, there was the Love. Because this didn’t FEEL like adultery, because she was radiating confusion which evoked concern from me, because I was trying to understand, because I could not focus my anger, I could not separate. I swung back and forth between needing to talk to her and needing to distance myself from her, and worse, she seemed to do the same.

The love lingers, and eats the soul. This is the worst truth of all.

Copyright K Stevenson 2009

The Straight Spouse Network invites the perspectives of various individuals who wish to share their unique experiences. We Thank Kevin for being our Guest Blogger today and permitting us to print his article.

Many straight spouses find shortly after discovery or disclosure that the resources for help and healing are few and far between.  Therapists often do not know how to recognize our issues, or affirm our self esteem or respect.  Many times, therapists, clergy, and counselors are fixed on the end result, and the homosexuality of our spouses.

For the minority among us who remain in love with our spouses and choose to stay married to them, this can prove to be difficult.  Support in marriage counseling tends often to reflect a bias – a focus on a desired end result of staying married or separating – or of the gay spouse “coming out” and being fully authentic.  But what happens when the love of the husband and wife for one another is also authentic?  And what happens to the need of the straight spouse to explore and respond to a zillion conflicting emotions?

This is where the peer support of the Straight Spouse Network is truly invaluable.  We are able to support one another in the diverse paths we take in our relationships, and give one another the benefit of our experience.

One of the gentlemen who has been active in our online and face to face support groups passes on this wisdom for those who wish to remain married:

“As a result of the totally unacceptable words and actions of their lesbian/bi-sexual/gay spouses after they came out, many str8 spouses have, or are in the process of, separating and/or divorcing. There are a minority of us who, as a result of having lesbian/bi-sexual/gay spouses who exhibited much better talk and behavior, are maintaining a mixed orientation marriage relationship.  There are more of us on the ssml and other mailing list support groups where both spouses can be members and post.

I also recommend that you read the book “The Other Side of The Closet” by Amity Pierce Buxton.  It can provide you with some insight as to feelings both you and your spouse are going through, and will go through. Each spouse  who comes to Straight Spouse Network should do what they feel is right for them without comparing what they are doing to what anyone else is doing. There is NO ONE RIGHT WAY applicable to all of us. Communicating with other str8 spouses is VERY beneficial.  Depending upon where you live there may be other str8s who meet periodically for face to face discussions or who live close enough to meet you.”

Now this is true expert advice – from someone who has been there, done that, and celebrated a lot of wedding anniversaries!

Caution:  Rough road ahead.

Ted and Gayle Haggard made news again last week- this time they were interviewed on the daytime show “Divorce Court” by Cleveland Heights judge Lynn Toler.  It’s an interview worth watching for any straight spouse, no matter how you feel about the Haggards.  Divorce Court has featured mixed orientation marriages in the past, and will have another one on this week.

Judge Toler does her best to not let Ted Haggard slip around some very tough questions.  She does not let him for one minute minimize the effect of his actions on his wife and family.  And she flat out states that if Haggard were to ever resume ministry, she certainly would not be trusting her children to him.

She’s also not easy on Gayle Haggard, asking how she couldn’t have known something was wrong – and if Gayle had problems with being intimate with Ted after the disclosure.  Gayle’s answer is “I had to process through this and not lose what we have”.  Well, many of us certainly understand that feeling, particularly those straight spouses who are reluctant to divorce.

What’s particularly familiar to many straight spouses is that Ted says he wasn’t “born gay” – he became homosexual as a result of sexual abuse as a teen.  This appears to be important with him.  Many of us find evidence of same sex activity with our spouses, hear the same denials of homosexuality, or the assertion that it’s just about one particular person.

What’s also familiar to straight spouses is Gayle’s discussion of the “process”.  Many of us who have been in long term marriages only to discover similiarly spectacular infidelity look for ways to maintain the relationship while moving forward, healing our own severely damaged sense of trust. Ted was the pastor of the largest Christian congregation in the USA, and had repeated sex with a male prostitute, took methamphetemines, and a church member alleges to have been propositioned by Ted.  She says she needed to understand what was going on with him.  Many of us have also felt the same way.

It’s difficult for the general public to understand the spouses need to understand what the gay spouse is experiencing – but for many of us, that’s part of the process of making sense of the whole experience, unless we immediately decide that our marriages have been based on a lie and distance ourselves from it.  It’s also tempting to want to tell the story of being “forgiven and fixed” – the reason is always “to help others” but for many people the reason is also to affirm what they need to believe right now.

Once the truth comes out, staying married to a prominent closeted homosexual who has so many remaining issues is a long long road full of many choices, turns, and barriers.  There is no quick path to healing and forgiveness – it is something that we work through for years as we develop our healthy selves and make choices about our lives.  Gayle Haggard is really just starting down that path – and she deserves not only the honest questions, but the respect and support that all straight spouses deserve.

It’s a long, hard road – and there is no express lane.

For straight spouses, nothing has changed.

The fighting, the arguing, the strident self righteous proclamations about the definition of family continue.  The lawsuits, the publicity, the grandstanding continues.  The defense of marriage as a union between men and women only goes on and on – with no acknowledgement of what our marriages are or were, and no interest in finding out.  No interest in acknowledging our families and the dilemmas we face in reconciling the practice of our faith with our knowledge of this unique experience, no interest in affirming the directions in which our families can move forward, healing, building bridges with each other. 

The definition of family is now once again defended.  Apparently those of us who are or were in mixed orientation marriages, those of us who are children of mixed orientation marriages, are not part of “family”.  Those of us who are members of the large religious groups that funded opposition now have to wonder just whose family are we a part of, if not the family of the faiths that sustain us, that we practice sincerely, despite efforts to render us irrelevant and invisible.

Our children will still go to school and listen to the jokes and taunts of their peers about who is queer and who isn’t, and they will be afraid that their friends will find out about mom or dad.  They will be afraid to laugh or not to laugh.  They will keep a low profile, keep their feelings and their conflicts hidden.  Apparently this is not as worthy of defense as restricting marriage is.  We will continue to cope with our own issues of coming out of someone else’s closet – perhaps in silence, perhaps being criticized for “outing” the ex when we are honest, or for not “supporting” our spouse, perhaps in the isolation of self doubt.  Apparently this is not as worthy of outreach as defense of the status quo is. 

A very eloquent commentary was posted by Keith Olbermann of MSNBC’s Countdown program.  It is one of the few editorial pieces that comments on those of us in mixed orientation marriages and asks “How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the “sanctity” of marriage rather than render the term meaningless?”

 Nothing has changed.  Nothing.

   By Amity Buxton

When a husband or wife in a heterosexual marriage comes out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, the coming out is not an individual event.  It is a family matter that impacts everyone in the household: straight spouse and children (and there are usually children involved).

  Coming out in a family occurs in waves. The first wave is the struggle of the lgbt spouse over months sometimes years until daring to disclose or becoming active enough in extramarital sex activities to be “found out.” The revelation begins the next wave, as the straight spouse has to work though the unexpected information and what it means for him or her, the marriage, and the family – and also lasting months and often years.  Finally, once the couple tell their children or the children find out, their dealing with the revelation becomes the third wave of coming out, as they try to come to terms with their parent’s new identity, effects on their parents’ relationship, and its implications for them. 

 These three overlapping waves, one after the other, stir up the lives of them all, each at a different stage of coping and all aware of the tidal force sweeping them toward an unknown future.

If you are a heterosexual who has discovered that your husband or wife is having an affair with a person of the same sex, or has an interest in same sex pornography or photographs or cross dresses, you are a straight spouse.

. You might hear that your husband or wife is not “gay” – they are just on the down low, or they have a fetish, or a “same sex attraction”. For most heterosexuals, all of these equal the same thing – they have discovered that their husband or wife prefers sexual activity with someone of the same sex. And this is when their world shifts on its axis.

Straight spouses often feel tremendous anger at having been deceived in this most fundamental way. They may find that their trust in others and in their own judgement erodes significantly. The behavior of the gay spouse, whether out of the closet or still secretive affects their family life, their children’s lives, their social life. And in therapy and counseling, focus is often on understanding the gay spouse, rather than giving attention to the process the straight spouse must go through in order to find healing for themselves. Many counselors and clergy get a handle on the initial crisis, but not on the ongoing process of healing and rebuilding a life for the straight spouse, which can take years depending on the relationship. Some couples remain married, some divorce but remain friends, and for others divorce is complicated, lengthy, expensive and involves a restraining order or two.

This blog is written by those who have experienced this painful deception, and who go forward along the various paths of our lives. Many people tell us that they know what they would do in our situation, but they really don’t know unless they have been there.

Comments and suggestions are welcome!