The Haggards are back, and Oprah’s got ‘em!

Gayle Haggard is on a publicity tour for her new book “Why I Stayed“.   It’s an interesting perspective on remaining married after same sex infidelity and betrayal.  It is very clear that a major factor in this decision is that Gayle genuinely loves her husband, Ted Haggard – and he loves her right back!  That alone is a story that many straight spouses never get to live.  Those who remain in mixed orientation monogamous marriages know that love, trust, and communication are paramount in importance – and have to be mutual.

Gayle made an appearance on Oprah, with Ted, and carried herself very well with Oprah’s proclaimed “non judgemental”  interview.  Oprah appeared incredulous that Gayle still loves her husband!  This is not so incredible to those who remain in long term mixed orientation marriages.  Oprahs questions were probing, insightful, and brought out a lot of good points about the entire experience. It was a great interview.

However, Oprah lost us on one train of thought:

“Would this have been the same were the infidelities with women?  I wonder if yeah, I just wonder, if and I’ve interviewed other women who found out their husbands were in relationships with men, who found out their husbands were gay, for some women it’s easier if the other man is gay. ….if its another man, there’s nothing you can do about that…for some women it makes it easier because you think well no matter what I would have done, well, you know, I’m not gonna be a guy!”

In our experience, it’s unusual for a straight woman to find infidelity with a gay husband to be preferable to infidelity with another woman, or even “the same”.  The realization that “it’s not me” does not come quickly for everyone, especially when you may not be able to disclose the reason for divorce, or confide in friends and family members.  As Gayle says, “It’s different”. Women who have attended our face to face meetings across the world and right there in Oprah’s home town, Chicago, say the same thing.  In a private, confidential, peer to peer setting, they share the stories of deception, betrayal, and the unique shredding of their own sexual identity that often comes with marriage to a closeted gay husband. For many women, the rejection of their female body and passive aggressive denigration of everything about them by their closeted gay husband comes before any actual infidelity. After discovery or disclosure, there can be a sense of relief that “it’s not me”, but they are left to rebuild who “me” is after so much tearing apart.

Gayle is telling her story, and emphasizes that it is hers and no one elses.  We applaud her for that, as we all have different experiences with our spouses and families. Her story will share some common threads with many.

If Oprah were to interview other straight spouses, she would gain  an understanding for herself and to her audience of the many different experiences and perspective concerning the experience of straight spouses, from “honey I’m gay” to “no, I’m not gay, you are crazy” to “well, you just have to let me be me and tolerate my same sex relationships” to “Im not gay, I just like having sexual encounters with men”.

The Straight Spouse Network is the pre eminent peer to peer support group for the heterosexual husbands and wives of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered people.  There is an active face to face support group right there in Oprah’s back yard.  We encourage her to keep on interviewing women whose husbands are in relationships with men, and men whose wives are in relationships with women.

And Oprah, the next time you interview one of us, a straight spouse like Gayle or Dina, we’d appreciate it if you would let your large audience know that yes, there’s a support group for that – a big one, which spans the globe!

The legal struggles over gay marriage continue. Defeated in Maine, New Jersey appears to be the next battleground during the lame duck session.

Isn’t that a nice way to describe what happens to our families, too?  Battleground?

After all, we straight spouses are often referred to as “Collateral Damage”.  The dehumanizing of people with this term often happens in the context of a battle.  Actually, it happens during a war – and in our families, gay marriage is just one battle front, the one that is most often publicly acknowledged.

Proponents and opponents of gay marriage all have their own arguments about what happens to our families, and how gay marriage will affect society.  Those arguments never include us, unless of course, it is necessary to present some “collateral damage” to sustain an argument. Like the rest of America, the heterosexual men and women who are or have been married to gay and lesbian people are not unified on this issue.  It seems to be one of those mine fields that many of us avoid, where we’re told how we OUGHT to think and feel.

Some people honestly feel that gay marriage should be enacted at least on a civil level, and that if it were, perhaps there would be fewer incidents of “collateral damage”.  There might even be fewer incidents of straight people having their lives torn up after many years of living with someone else’s deception.

Others feel as though gay marriage is just another thing that is forced on them.  If they disagree or question anything or have any difficulty adjusting to the family situation, they are accused of “hate”.  Some of us have seen improvements in our overall family situation after divorce and adjustment to a gay or lesbian stepparent. Others have seen the same situation tear children apart, while straight parents weather accusations of “hate”, and bear the blame for “parental alientation” tinged with “homophobia”.

The current initiatives toward repealing existing laws that permit gay marriage do nothing for straight spouses.  Rather, they raise the vitriol that we endure as we seek to heal and move forward.

There is no discernable ministry to straight spouses among the religious groups that fund campaigns on both sides of the gay marriage question.  Some churches allow chapters of the Straight Spouse Network to meet in their buildings.  Beyond that, there is little attention paid to what we need on an ongoing basis from our faith communities and clergy.  Many straight spouses find that they are welcome in the faith communities of their origin only if they share the correct beliefs about gays and gay marriage, whatever those are supposed to be.  They find that clergy and secular counselors are entirely ignorant of what our needs are in counseling.  Instead, straight spouses are directed to resolve our conflicts in light of how counseling professionals and clergy feel about homosexuality. Join the struggle for gay marriage and gay clergy, or pray away the gay. Neither is an answer to our dilemmas and questions of faith.

We strongly suggest that those who are concerned with the state of marriage pay attention to developing resources for straight spouses to move forward with our honest lives.  We also believe that greater support from counseling, teaching, and social service professionals needs to be available for mixed orientation families coping with stepfamily issues. With or without gay marriage, these needs exist NOW.

Many straight spouses find shortly after discovery or disclosure that the resources for help and healing are few and far between.  Therapists often do not know how to recognize our issues, or affirm our self esteem or respect.  Many times, therapists, clergy, and counselors are fixed on the end result, and the homosexuality of our spouses.

For the minority among us who remain in love with our spouses and choose to stay married to them, this can prove to be difficult.  Support in marriage counseling tends often to reflect a bias – a focus on a desired end result of staying married or separating – or of the gay spouse “coming out” and being fully authentic.  But what happens when the love of the husband and wife for one another is also authentic?  And what happens to the need of the straight spouse to explore and respond to a zillion conflicting emotions?

This is where the peer support of the Straight Spouse Network is truly invaluable.  We are able to support one another in the diverse paths we take in our relationships, and give one another the benefit of our experience.

One of the gentlemen who has been active in our online and face to face support groups passes on this wisdom for those who wish to remain married:

“As a result of the totally unacceptable words and actions of their lesbian/bi-sexual/gay spouses after they came out, many str8 spouses have, or are in the process of, separating and/or divorcing. There are a minority of us who, as a result of having lesbian/bi-sexual/gay spouses who exhibited much better talk and behavior, are maintaining a mixed orientation marriage relationship.  There are more of us on the ssml and other mailing list support groups where both spouses can be members and post.

I also recommend that you read the book “The Other Side of The Closet” by Amity Pierce Buxton.  It can provide you with some insight as to feelings both you and your spouse are going through, and will go through. Each spouse  who comes to Straight Spouse Network should do what they feel is right for them without comparing what they are doing to what anyone else is doing. There is NO ONE RIGHT WAY applicable to all of us. Communicating with other str8 spouses is VERY beneficial.  Depending upon where you live there may be other str8s who meet periodically for face to face discussions or who live close enough to meet you.”

Now this is true expert advice – from someone who has been there, done that, and celebrated a lot of wedding anniversaries!

The Straight Spouse Network was recently spotlighted on the Logo channel, and now appears on 365 Gay Video. This specific piece, narrated by Chagmion Antoine concerns mixed orientation couples, and the Straight Spouse Network’s Executive Director, Kathy Callori, was featured.

The piece highlighted a mixed orientation couple who have continued their marriage over a period of many years, and also mentioned that the Straight Spouse Network provides support for many straight spouses, including the former wife of NJ governor James McGreevey.  Obviously, the McGreeveys are no longer married.

This brings up a good opportunity to show that we are there to support all straight spouses, no matter what their reaction, or situation.  Most mixed orientation marriages end in divorce, but some continue with deep and abiding mutual love.  While they are the exception, they do happen, and straight spouses need support.

Mixed orientation marriages that end in divorce are not all acrimonius.  Some couples manage to remain good friends, and part of one another’s families.  But there are also those marriages that do not have the “love in the best way they can” aspect that long term mixed orientation marriages do, and cannot be expected to continue just because it is possible for some couples, or because divorce is taboo.

When the promotions for Oprah this week showed that she was interviewing a lesbian, many straight spouses probably said “what again”?  Programs about sexuality are nothing new for Oprah.  Her program this week “Living without Labels” featured a woman who had been married, had daughters, and had a late in life realization that she is gay.  In fact, her daughters told her she was a lesbian, noting how she looked at women. Several other women and a sex therapist were interviewed. The article in O, The Oprah Magazine “She’s So Fine” was a point of reference for the discussion.

What was unusual about this program was that the daughters gave an extended interview about what the effect was on them and the family.  Now grown women, they appear to still be very emotional when talking about it.  They spoke of their anger when their mom finally came out, and of their anguish over the divorce.  They spoke of the pain in the entire family.  But they came to see that their mom was happier.

It was a good, informative program.  Many of the women featured on the show said things that are all too familiar to straight husbands who come to the Straight Spouse Network for support.  “I’m not a lesbian, I fell in love with the person”.  The only husband of a lesbian featured on Oprah within recent memory has himself been gay.  The absence of the straight husband’s perspective on any of the programs about fluid sexuality and married people is quite noticeable, as is the lack of mentioning the Straight Spouse Network as a resource of support for families, including straight husbands.

Oprah appeared surprised that not everyone who has a sexual attraction to the same sex “always knew they were gay”.  Perhaps if she spoke to the men and women who are part of the Straight Spouse Network, she would be surprised to learn that few of us are surprised by anything that was on the program.

For some men, it may come as a surprise that it still hurts to hear the same things that were said over and over in their marriages now touted as a celebrated aspect of female sexuality.

Ever have the feeling that your therapist just doesn’t get it?  For many straight spouses, that’s a common issue. In both private and couples therapy, straight spouses often feel like their stages of grief and resolution are denied or misunderstood – and being in a position of doubting their own perceptions, they need the affirmation from a good therapist that their feelings and observations are valid.

Therapy for mixed orientation couples and for straight spouses is an emerging specialty.  It’s important when looking for a therapist to find one who is tuned into your issues, not a preconceived idea of whether or not your marriage should continue or end.

If you think your therapist is not a good fit,  ask them if they have read The Other Side of the Closet by Amity Buxton, or if they are familiar with the emotional stages she has described of anger, grief, and recovery.  A good therapist for a straight spouse understands the need for confirmation, affirmation, and reality checking – and is skilled at dealing with the profound grief and anger we experience as we move forward on this journey.

Thursday evening at 8:00 pm EST, HBO will premiere The Trials of Ted Haggard. This documentary by Alexandra Pelosi traces the two year trail of the Haggard family since Ted Haggard, formerly the pastor of one of the fastest growing evangelical congregations in the USA, president of the National Association of Evangelicals,  and outspoken opponent of gay rights, was very publicly outed by a gay male prostitute for having gay sex and using methamphetimines.  At present, Haggard is defrocked, does not have a pulpit, and sells life insurance in partnership with his wife Gayle.

The Haggards are also making the rounds of promotional appearances.  They have been written up in People Magazine, and are scheduled to appear on Oprah. Haggard’s former congregation, the New Life Church,  has released more details on the sex scandal that previously were kept private.

Yes, this is painful for us str8s to watch.  But for those of us who are far enough along in our own healing, it is worthwhile for us to tune in, and consider what will be shown of Gayle Haggard’s experience and perspective.

Like a minority of straight spouses, Gayle has chosen to remain married. Many of us know what a difficult choice this is, and how support for the straight spouse often is lacking for those who stay married.  It will be interesting to see how this is handled in the documentary – our hope is that this will not be another portrayal of a straight spouse who is stupid, dependent, or deluded, but an honest examination into the purpose, motivation, and experience behind Gayle’s own responses.

Ted Haggard has gone through some secular counseling, and we expect that there will be much focus on that.  It is important to understand the phenomenon of a man who can compartmentalize himself to lead such a completely double life as this one did – and what the aftermath is for him and his family.

Shortly after the scandal broke, Ted went through some reparative therapy and declared himself “cured” a bit too quickly to be believable by most people.   Many straight spouses have experienced further shattering of their lives through therapies designed to change a homosexual, repair homosexuality, etc.  In face to face support groups around the world, straight spouses often tell the tale of a homosexual spouse who developed aversion to contact, became seriously depressed, or developed a life that totally revolved around the “ex gay” ministry – to the exclusion of spouse and family, who were expected to partner in prayer.  With the total emphasis being on changing the orientation and not redirecting behavior toward choices that benefit the entire family, lives are often shattered further by these misguided attempts to change orientation.  For this reason the straight spouse network has taken a position opposing reparative therapies and ex gay ministries.

A major emphasis of the HBO film is on forgiveness and judgement – not only by family and church, but by the liberal individuals such as the film maker who pride themselves on tolerance.  Pelosi notes that the family has been subject to hostility from all sides, including secular organizations that normally are responsive toward gay people and their families.

As a support network for straight spouses, we offer support, listening, peer to peer interaction for straight husbands and wives in all sorts of marriages, from all sorts of backgrounds, who make all sorts of choices.  We are here for straight spouses in complete confidentiality wherever you are in your life, in your marriage, divorce, or what stage of grief, reconciliation, forgiveness, or just coping.  Our support comes in face to face groups, private one to one telephone conversations, or online resources.

Many of us won’t be able to watch this program – it is just too painful.  Clearly, many people will watch for the sensationalism and freak show trash TV content.  The straight spouses who can watch this program will be looking on support of one of the millions of others just like us, who have endured the incredible deception in marriage of a homosexual spouse leading a double life.

It’s not uncommon in the course of a mixed orientation marriage for an individual with a same sex attraction to deny being gay.  Gay means swishy.  Gay means women with butch haircuts and mannish clothing.  Gay means attitude.  Gay means being “in the life”. 

 So honey, I’m only a little bit gay and you should put up with it or make me stop.  Or you should understand and get educated about just what gay means since you obviously don’t know anything.  Or, I wasn’t interested in the same sex until I met this wonderful person who makes me feel wonderful -  something I never got from you!!! And guess what?  Just because I look at erotic pictures of the same gender as me, just because I have sex with men doesn’t mean I am gay.” 

 The fact is that human sexuality is a varied and subtle spectrum.  Some people certainly do not fit the “labels”.  But when it comes to a relationship going forward, all the straight spouse’s understanding of all the dynamics of same sex attraction will not matter one bit unless the straight person’s needs, perceptions, feelings and desires are given equal time and attention.  

 Honey you KNOW I have sex with my lesbian lover.  So why are you so upset to see she  left her stuff here, or you passed her car on the way home?  Why are you so angry when she calls during our dinner, our family time, our vacation time, and whats the problem with me talking to her.  After all, I go into another room, away from you.  It’s not like you don’t know!  At least I’m honest about it! 

 Imagine a heterosexual wife telling her heterosexual husband these things about her need for the other man.  Imagine a heterosexual man telling his heterosexual wife these things about his need for a mistress.  For the straight spouse, the experience is similar – but also very different.  Because the same sex aspect of the extramarital relationship makes others uncomfortable, the straight spouse or partner cannot express their anger, their frustration, their disgust.  If they set limits, they are sometimes accused of being abusive, intolerant, homophobic, crazy.  If their husband or wife is completely denying any homosexual activity to the rest of the world, they must endure well meaning people “explaining” to them what is “really” going on. 

 Despite the daunting challenge, there are couples who remain in mixed orientation marriages.  This requires a great deal of communication and mutual respect.  Most couples separate, many remain on friendly terms, others do not.  How the straight partner is treated, respected, acknowledged within the relationship and within therapy has great impact on the future of any ongoing relationship. 

 The Straight Spouse Network has a small library of articles for therapists, marriage counselors, and individuals seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed orientation marriages.  If you would like to know more about these resources, please contact us.  We are the pre eminent support source for straight spouses in all sorts of relationships.  Perhaps the most valuable thing about what we offer to heterosexual husbands and wives in mixed orientation marriages is affirmation and a safe place to discuss what is happening to them in their life. 

     By Amity Buxton

It’s time to go back to the beginning, I think, to clarify why straight spouses need to be heard in the current conversations about social justice swirling around us. It is not because they are overlooked, which they are. Rather, straight spouses want desperately to share their wide lens on what happens to their families when their husbands or wives come out. Every family member — they, their gay or lesbian partners, and their children — is hurt by antigay sentiments and action, such as constitutional amendments and laws that limit legal marriage to that of a man and women.

Up to two million gay men and lesbians in the United States have followed the traditional idea that marriage is limited to a man and a woman and have entered a presumably heterosexual marriage usually without the straight spouse’s knowledge of their sexual orientation and often without the gay or lesbian spouse’s acknowledgment or realization. They marry because they truly love their fiancés and want to raise a family and also to meet societal expectations. Their faith communities, families, and society in general expect that marriage will occur in almost everyone’s life and that it would, of course, be with someone of the opposite gender. While many gay men and lesbians now do not feel a need to follow the traditional pattern, a number still do. So, don’t stop reading

Once they marry a straight person, most lesbians and gay men struggle to suppress or deny their same-sex attraction and become totally involved in the marriage and parenthood. However neither prayer nor practice changes their sexual orientation. For most, their internal struggle escalates, often reaching severe depression, until something happens to change the pattern. The children finish school and leave home, or they meet someone socially or at work, or the Internet invites them to explore and — poof! — their same-sex attractions are ignited or they unexpectedly fall in love. When they disclose (or are discovered), that they are really gay or lesbian, their straight wives or husbands are devastated, their children confused. Though some couples manage to stay married, because of their long history, love and close friendship, the good of the family, or the difficulty of separating, most divorce – and their children lose a two-parent home.

I lived that experience, watching my gay husband suffer without knowing why until he came out. As I then met and studied straight spouses across the country, I saw that they, like their gay and lesbian mates, were stigmatized, too, and so were their children. I saw, too, that their issues and those of their families were ignored and not understood, as they tried to protect their gay spouses and children from rejection in their churches or synagogues, jobs, schools or communities. That’s why I founded the Straight Spouse Network in 1991 to provide confidential personal support for straight men and women who faced this unforeseen family crisis for which they were not prepared.

Given these scenarios that repeat themselves across the country, the rationale for legalizing one man-one woman marriage as the only marriage form and a way to bring stability to the community is sabotaged by the reality of the family crises experienced by mixed-orientation couples. Neither spouse entering those marriages has high odds of fulfilling his or her hope of creating a lasting relationship and family. No children born to them can be sure their two parents will stay together.

Revealing the devastating impact on families of couples married under the one-man/one-woman societal imperative is the reason why straight spouses want their voices heard by proponents of laws designed to exclude gay and lesbian couples from marrying. Avoiding the perpetuation of this kind of harm to families is reason enough to pass laws that enable gay men and lesbians, no less than other adults, to marry any person to whom they wish to commit their lives and love, regardless of gender. Only then can the hopes of all spouses and families in the United States have the greatest possible chance of being fulfilled.

Straight spouses are entitled to know if their husband or wife is being unfaithful to them with a same sex partner.  It also is helpful for them to know if a gay husband or lesbian wife is unsure of their sexuality.  Many straight spouses blame themselves for any sexual dysfunction in a marriage.  It can be a relief to know that no matter how fat, thin, bald, attentive, or attractive they are, no matter what kind of surgery they have had or physical changes, no matter how many babies, no matter how perfect or imperfect – the reason that the the spark isn’t there is because their husband or wife prefers to have sex with someone of their same gender. 

So how do you tell your husband or wife that you are gay, or at least not completely heterosexual?  How do you tell them that you aren’t sure but you think so?

Honestly.  And with kindness, compassion, and all the love you can.

This is not a conversation to have on Valentines Day, your wedding anniversary, someone’s birthday, a major holiday, or any day that gets commemorated annually or is a special celebration.  Choosing to have this conversation on those days, because that is when you have time to be together, will ruin the celebration or commemoration of those days for your spouse for years to come. It will always coincide with the anniversary of when they learned the painful truth.  But there are plenty of other days to have this conversation, and the sooner the better. 

Some GLBT people think it is kinder to disclose their sexual realization in small doses.  It really isn’t.  Your husband or wife deserves to know the real truth about who you really are.  This isn’t the time to list their many faults, or go over what they could have done differently to make the marriage better.  This is about you telling them who you really are.

If you’re not sure, say so.

If you are a man who has had an affair or is seeing someone, or you have had anonymous sex in a park or public restroom, please say so.  Even if you are being so careful so you just know that no one will get HIV from you.  Your wife is entitled to know.  Despite assurances of nothing to worry about because you were careful, a straight wife will likely get tested – for her own health, safety, and satisfaction about her own health and future. And she’ll probably be very angry that she is in a position of needing to be tested, particularly if she has been faithful to you. 

A straight husband or wife is entitled to know that you are GLBT because they are a person in their own right who needs to make decisions about how they will live their lives in the light of the truth about their marriage to you.  Some may tell you what they want to do right away, others may just be stunned and emotional, and totally blown away by the information.  But they need to know.  Honesty is the best, and healthiest, policy for you both.  And kindness, courtesy, sympathy, listening, and understanding go a long way.  Maybe not right away, but they do help to smooth later conflicts.

Coming out in a mixed orientation marriage is a bit different than coming out as an individual.  There is a partnership, a family, and obligations.  These don’t go away just because you realize that you are homosexual.  Your coming out is a family affair when you are married – and your spouse may not be as ready to come out as you are.  Your husband or wife may want to be more open about it, and not remain the keeper of someone else’s secret.  Regardless of the outcome, straight spouses deserve to know.  When you are honest, you can then work out through counseling what the ground rules are for you and the family being out of the closet, or remaining discreet depending on what is best for all of you. 

Remember, even if you are realizing your true sexuality later in life, you have had your whole life to figure this out about yourself.  Your spouse has had maybe only a few minutes, a few months, a few years.  It will take time to sort it all out, process the grief, anger, and for some the shame and self doubt, before they come to an acceptance and are ready to move forward.  For many people, it can take years to work through all of this.  There are no easy answers, no quick fixes. 

When you come out to your husband or wife, please tell them that there is support for them through the Straight Spouse Network.  Tell your therapist about our resources for counselors of mixed orientation couples.  And most important, tell the honest truth about yourself.