At our Straight Spouse Network face to face meetings, on confidential telephone conversations, or in our private online chats, straight spouses come together to give one another support, and learn from each other’s experiences.  We “network” – and that is why we are called “The Straight Spouse Network”.

We are a very diverse group – male and female, young and old, married and divorced, from all different cultures and races around the world.  The beauty of our network is that within a few days, someone new to the experience of discovering that their husband or wife has a same sex attraction can connect with someone else who knows just what you are talking about.

What you WON’T hear at a Straight Spouse Network meeting is “How could you not have known?” or “Are you sure”? or “well OF COURSE you will divorce – or hang in there and stay married – or tell your children – or NOT tell your children….”  We won’t tell you how to fix your spouse or your marriage.  We WILL ask you “What do YOU want?  What do YOU need?”

We don’t tell you what to do.  We listen.  We share our experiences.  And we learn from each other how to resolve our family issues, heal, and move forward.  There is no one answer, and there is no easy solution.  But we are here to help one another.

Real support.  Not just lip service.  Real support.  At an unreal time in our lives – like no other.

In some areas, the Straight Spouse Network has face to face (F2F) meetings set up on a regular basis. These can be just two individuals meeting for coffee, or an entire group meeting in a private home or public meeting area (such as a church or community center). What happens at our face to face meetings?

First of all, our meeting are private and confidential. Facilitators explain at the beginning that what is said in the room, stays in the room.

Next, people share their diverse experiences of being a straight spouse. Some have just found out, some are still angry after all these years, some are still married. Some have questions about children, coming out, moving on, starting over. We share – and we listen. Most important – WE GET IT.

In areas where face to face meetings are not set up, it is still possible to speak or email someone directly. Some people prefer to speak one on one with a peer who has a similiar experience. Contact the Straight Spouse Networkfor more information on how you can receive direct and personal peer support that is helpful for you.

We recently conducted a survey of those who are connected to the Straight Spouse Network for support of all types.  The results are interesting; they tell who the straight spouses are, and where they are found. 

 Approximately 2 out of every 3 people who contact us for support is female.  That means 1/3 are male; straight men who are married to lesbians or bisexual women.  You hear very little in the mainstream media about the experiences of men, yet their numbers among straight spouses are significant. 

 More than half of us have had the experience of our spouses coming out to us.  At least 30% have discovered a spouse’s homosexual activity prior to or in place of coming out.  Others have been outed by another person, or had varying experiences of finding out. 84% of the respondents to the survey have children. 

 The average length of marriage among survey respondents is well over 20 years!   Some secrets last a long time. Our ages at discovery/disclosure range from 25 to 79.  Our respondents are throughout the entire United States and five other countries.  Participants in our online support groups anecdotally report an even wider geographic base. 

 Approximately 68% of us have a Bachelors Degree or above.  Nearly 8% have a doctorate.  20% have an Associates Degree or Technical School Diploma. Clearly we are not stupid people. 

 In response to a question about remaining married, 55% of the respondents have already divorced or separated, and another 13% plan to divorce or separate.  8% don’t know what they will do.  The remainder plan to stay in the marriage. 

 For any academic who desires to research mixed orientation couples, the demographics and preliminary statistics are quite compelling.

  By Amity Buxton

After gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender partners come out in a heterosexual relationship, they find many sources of support outside the relationship to help them stabilize and steer their lives through the confusion.  Support groups for them abound.  Meanwhile, however, their partners find little understanding either from the straight community who minimize their issues or the lgbt communities who more often celebrate the partner who came out.   For straight or non-trans partners, few outsiders — friends, families, associates in the workplace, neighborhood, or faith community, even professionals and clergy –  “get” their unique issues and the devastating effects the disclosure has had on their own identity, integrity, and belief system. 

 To fill this gap, the Straight Spouse Network was founded to provide the support and information needed to help them navigate the post-disclosure turbulent waters to a port that they determine will be best for them and the family.  Support comes from peers – those who alone understand the depth and nature of their devastation; information about their issues, constructive coping strategies, and stages toward positive resolution come from experience, observation, and research studies.