You can read all about the legal decision in California, upholding gay marriage, and overturning the referendum against it. There are plenty of articles about how gay people are affected, how married people are affected, how churches and clergy are affected, how society is affected, how the institution of marriage is affected.

There’s very little written or spoken about how we straight spouses and straight partners are affected.

It would be naive to argue that all of our marriages would have never occurred if gay marriage were legal. Some might not have occurred. However, for some of us, the prospect and reality of gay marriage engenders a hope that there will be fewer reasons going forward for a gay person to seek intimacy and family connection by marrying a straight person.

These realities haven’t come about in our lives BECAUSE of gay marriage. They’re already there, consequences of our “one man-one woman marriages” which were also “one gay-one straight marriages”.

The most important direct impact gay marriage has on us is in the moving forward phase, after our separations and divorces. Many of us who have children have long had to deal with step parenting issues that arise with our gay former spouse’s new partner. Now, with a legal designation of marriage in some areas, we can move forward with the same set of laws and expectations in place as any other step family. For many of our children, the shock of having a gay parent is really secondary to the shock of divorce, because divorce has more of a direct impact on their lives.

Gay marriage means if our children are dependents of the gay parent, they are legal dependents of the gay step parent as well – which could open up employer sponsored health insurance to them if we ourselves are not able to provide coverage. For some of our families, the alternative for our children’s health insurance has been Medicaid, even though our ex’s long time gay partner has good insurance, but no legal standing as a married person with dependents.

It can also mean that a gay couple will use the legitimacy of marriage to bully the straight parent. This “I have a new husband/wife who will be a better mother/father than the one I’m replacing” school of divorced parenting happens in heterosexual divorces where litigation over children is used as a weapon of control. It can be expected a variation will continue with gay marriage too.

It can mean that claims by straight spouses of infidelity,  fraud or deceit in the marriage may be honored more than they are now, since the legal definition of marriage will include gays. It can mean that there will be fewer restrictions on straight ex spouses speaking about their ex being gay. After all, that is the truth we and our families live, and is not badmouthing when spoken honestly.

Sadly, the inevitable legal appeals will have another consequence for us – yet again, our lives will continue to be dismissed and ignored unless we can be used to further someone else’s agenda. Straight spouses are not a monolithic group. We don’t speak with one voice or with one experience. We do have a common need for support, affirmation, confirmation, and recognition of the process of our healing. Many of us support gay marriage, many of us oppose it. Some of us support it as a civil institution but would be uncomfortable with it in our churches. The fearful spectors of what gay marriage will bring are the realities that we now live with. Some of us have horrible family situations, some of us have made for a peaceable realm within our so called rainbow families, which actually are step families. No matter, we exemplify what there is to be afraid of, and so we are shoved aside, along with any recognition of our ongoing need for counseling, support, friendship, and normalcy.

Ongoing appeals of the California decision on Prop 8 also bear consequences for the Straight Spouse Network. Like it or not, as a non profit we are lumped into the category of LGBTQ charities, even though the people we serve are not LGBTQ. Within that narrow category, foundations that might give us grants to carry on our important and largely unnoticed work will have to choose their priorities. For many foundations who fund LGBTQ charities as a mission, the priority will be funding gay marriage litigation, not funding recovery programs for straight spouses.

Our reality continues, unchanged. For many of our families, the ability of our former husbands and wives to now marry their gay partners is a welcome relief. For others, it’s a nightmare – but a personal one, not a social one.

A while back, the board of the Straight Spouse Network took an official position on gay marraige.  You can read that position here.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

That may be a very difficult thing to hear for many straight spouses, some of whom are just learning that their husband or wife is gay.  For many, the feeling of loss is compounded by the romantic reminders all around them.  It confirms that you’re nobody’s valentine because the person you married would rather have sex with someone of the same sex, and not with you or anyone who is built like you. Valentines day can be a very painful and depressing day for anyone experiencing a breakup.  It seems to throw insult on top of injury for many straight spouses, who at one point in their lives may have believed in romance.

So the question is, how does a straight spouse survive Valentine’s day?  The answer: do something for yourself.

That sounds simple enough, but it really isn’t.  Many straight spouses have become so enmeshed in the drama, that they have neglected to nurture themselves, and enjoy the things they like.  So Valentine’s day is a day to do what is good for you – and figure that out.

It may be tempting to just enjoy chocolate, alcohol, or sweets in excess, but that isn’t really treating yourself well.  Instead, meet with friends and have dinner together.  Go to a movie that you like that your spouse would never have seen with you.  Do something that you enjoy that you stopped doing because your spouse objected or was just so sour on it that it wasn’t fun anymore.  That might include phoning a friend or family, renting a video, or attending a concert.

Think baths with your favorite bath oil.  Maybe shopping for new clothing, or something that your spouse never liked that you do like.  Go shopping at your favorite store for yourself.  Go fishing.  Go running. Watch a marathon of a show that you like and your spouse never did.

Love yourself.

You will have a new appreciation of the love of others, and a new self respect.

One thing you can do for yourself if you have not done so already is to contact the Straight Spouse Network to be connected to other people who truly understand this experience, and reach out to help each other heal.

This isn’t another post about how the Straight Spouse Network needs money.  Well, we do need money.  But there is one thing we need even more: people who are willing to help other people.

If you’ve learned a few things on your journey about coping, communicating, facing reality, and moving forward after disclosure or discovering a spouse is gay, we invite you to help others who are just beginning to deal with this.  If the Straight Spouse Network has helped you, we need to to help others who now are facing the same dilemma of a husband or wife who is gay.

We need you to help no matter what your experience is: divorce, staying married, male, female, old, young.  We are directly contacted by between 35-40 (5 – 7 per day) people every week from around the world who need our help.  They contact us by filling out a web form or calling us directly.  Each one has a different story.  We have people in place who help them to find someone local to them, a face to face group, or a person who they can talk to in detail.  And that is where you come in.  We’re asking you to be the next voice they hear that says “I understand.  You are not alone” and really knows what they are saying. If you have gained some wisdom, self awareness, and strength through SSN, we are asking you to volunteer.

We aren’t asking you to start a face to face support group, although if you want to that would be great!  There are many areas where these just aren’t available.  Frequently, people connect in other ways – over the phone, email, or in one of our affiliated online support groups – and make plans then to actually meet if possible.  We’re asking you to . to possibly be a contact for those looking for support especially when we have no F2F groups in the area.  To do this go to our website at www.straightspouse.org.  Click to the “How You Can Help” button and scroll to be a contact/facilitator.  Fill in the application form and you will hear from us.    The organization is always here to help you to do this with training and support.

If you don’t think you can do this, we have other jobs for you.  We need help in our local groups with organizing events.  Here are some of the other skills or services we need:

Writing skills
Media skills
Professional printing for publications.
Legal experience
Public relations
Fundraising
Development skills

The Straight Spouse Network is only as effective as the people who are an active part of it.  We’re the peer to peer support group for people who didn’t know they had peers, and thought they were alone.  Share your strength, experience, and perspective.  To volunteer, go to our website, look for that How You Can Help button at the top right of the home page,  and follow the above instructions.

One of the great things about being part of an international organization that supports straight spouses is that we get to keep up with the television and movies that aren’t available in all areas.  Straight spouses in the UK started 2010 watching an elaborate wedding staged between a closeted gay man and a clueless woman on EastEnders , one of the most watched soap operas in the entire world.  Oh, the drama.

It seems there’s been this torrid homosexual affair going on between Syed, the modern, westernized, highly educated son of a Moslem family in the catering business, and Christian, a partner in the business.  Fans of EastEnders have been treated to passionate, secretive, wall slamming kiss scenes between the two men.  And guess what?  Syed loves Amira, and wants to marry her.  Amira has a father in prison for shady financial dealings, and she appears to be the only person in the entire cast who does not know or suspect something is up.  We’re sure that will change.

On New Year’s Day, the traditional Muslim Pakistani wedding of Syed and Amira was telecast, in all its elaborate and eye popping splendor.  Amid the glamour, Christian kept popping up and glaring at Syed, who was clearly rattled.  Oh, and Christian also outed Syed to Zainab, Syed’s pregnant mom. Zainab told Christian he was a pervert and he had lost because now Syed was going to do things the right way by marrying Amira.  Zainab had pushed for the wedding to take place, not wanting the disgrace between families of the wedding being called off because of “perversion”.  Syed has admitted to his mom that he’s gay, but agreed to go ahead with the wedding.

Hmm.  Straight spouses all across the globe, doesn’t some of this sound familiar?  A bit over the top maybe, but familiar, yes?

We’re depending on the UK straights to keep us updated on these developments.  EastEnders is seen all over the world, but current episodes outside the UK are only seen on Pay Per View. (This of course costs much more than the average subscription to the BBC).  In the United States, prior seasons of EastEnders can be seen on select public television stations.

Poor Amira.  Here she is, a smart girl with what appears to be a fabulous future, the handsomest husband in London, a mother in law from hell, and she’s the last one to know he’s gay.  We’re sure she’ll find out soon, and it won’t be kind.  Perhaps Christian will confront her in a jealous rage.  Perhaps like many of her real counterparts, she won’t believe him.  Perhaps she’ll find Syed and Christian in the act.  When she does, the story can take several realistic turns.

She might become angry,and keep the secret to herself, resulting in depression and suicidal behavior.  Her mother in law might cover up her own knowledge of the affair by telling Amira that she just isn’t a good enough wife to turn this around.  Somehow, Amira will wind up taking blame for being stupid, for knowing anyway and pretending to be all innocent, or for not being a good enough wife.  Maybe Amira’s dad will order a hit on Syed from prison to spare her the disgrace of a divorce from a homosexual.  Under Islamic law, Amira is entitled to a divorce if Syed is unfaithful, whether this is with a man or woman. Many western courts have not caught up with this idea, and consider infidelity to only involve another person of the opposite sex.  Sadly, this is true in England, and most parts of the USA.

Or maybe, just MAYBE, Amira will find the support of other straight spouses in the UK.  Maybe she’ll visit the UK’s only face-to-face support service at www.straightpartnersanonymous.co.uk.  She’ll learn that she is not alone.  She’ll begin the intense journey toward healing herself and recovering from the devastation that such a deep deception inflicts on her.  We might see something like the Straight Partners group turn up in the East End.  Wow!  Then other East Enders and Londoners might start actually looking for the support they didn’t know existed!

Holidays are wonderful times for families to get together and renew relationships, celebrate traditions, and share the latest news.  For straight spouses undergoing the stresses of divorce, or the recent discovery that a spouse is gay, those same holidays can be awkward and painful.  It can hurt to see traditions discarded, or to be excluded from family gatherings, or be told that the spouse has to be excluded or included.

Some new dilemmas for straight spouses include basic things, like “whose house are we going to for dinner and who will be there” to “telling the kids mom is gay” before or after the holiday, to a lack of money to keep up all the traditions.  They can be as complicated as “will Daddy bring the boyfriend to Grandma’s this year” or taking the kids shopping to buy a present for Mom’s girlfriend.  A straight spouse might feel a rush of anger at seeing an expensive present that was lavished on a boyfriend or girlfriend, that was never considered for them, or seeing the gay couple take the trip of a lifetime that the spouse had thought would be a special second honeymoon.

Then there are always the friends and relatives who have their own opinions about things – and express them loudly.  That could mean saying negative things about the gay spouse in front of the children, or a tentative hint around the kitchen table that “you can still be married, just live together like brother and sister”.  It can be the brother in law who keeps asking “ya want me to fix his car?” or the cousin who just CANNOT believe that this is true, and YOU must be mistaken.  Add to this family stew a gay spouse who is worried that nothing will be the same “because I’m gay and nobody accepts that”,  and your happy holidays turn into an occasion of dread.

How about those friends who are determined to be fair and friendly and invite you both to a party?  You venture out, and find your spouse there with a date – and the group of friends is affirming “coming out” but ignoring how devastating this is to you.  Isn’t it funny how the rules for divorcing heterosexual couples don’t apply to us?

The best advice we have for the holidays is to view them as an opportunity for new traditions affirming you and your values. Accept that things will be different.  The first year it is a discovery process, finding what works and what doesn’t.  After that, it does get easier.

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries with friends and relatives, and establish what is appropriate and what is not.  Tell the brother in law to fix YOUR car since you need help.  Tell the cousin that believe it or not, it’s true and you’re not discussing it right now. Tell the person who wants you to stay married that you can’t.  It really is not possible to ignore a gay spouse’s sexual activity, no matter how discreet.  It is different.  And if you are staying together, you are making your own rules.  Just don’t totally alienate people who truly love you.  Remember, they are struggling to understand what has happened, and want to know how to help you.

Holidays can be a bridge that we cross from an old life to a new one.  Sometimes it is a painful bridge, but we do get there!  The important thing is to keep going.

On a recent episode of Law and Order, Detectives Lupo and Bernard are protecting a witness who has had what she describes as a “down low” lesbian affair with a murder victim. The program shows them hiding in a hotel, passing the time. The witness decides she likes Lupo, and asks Bernard “Does he have a girlfriend?” Detective Bernard’s response is to look at her wide eyed and say “YOU had a girlfriend”. The witness looks surprised, but they cannot continue the conversation because they are interrupted by a knock on the door from the prosecutor.

Some of our gay and lesbian spouses do not acknowledge the label of “gay” or “lesbian”. They may even reject being called bisexual, since this is just about one person. They have affairs with someone of the same sex, but do not believe that makes them “gay”. For the straight spouse, coping with this complex situation can be frustrating, an unending riddle.

When our marriages end because of our husbands and wives have an affair with someone of the same sex, the words “honey I’m gay” can provide a sense of finality, a definite scenario. “Honey I’m bi” doesn’t seem to be said quite so often. Rather, the disclosure to a straight spouse might be “I might be a little gay”, or “I fell in love with just this one person”, or “everyone has these feelings, you’re just repressing yours”. Some men did know their wives had been involved with women – but they had no idea what that would really mean in a marriage. There may be further complications after divorce when the bisexual spouse begins to date other people of the opposite sex. If the couple is still connected through children and step parenting, the dilemma of whether or not to tell the new lover what actually happened and spare them the pain of deception is a painful one. The risk of course, is that no one will believe what they say, and attribute it to maliciousness.

For us, unresolved issues of our spouses sexuality are a part of denial in marriage. We may hear that it isn’t really cheating because they never cheated on us with the opposite sex. We may hear that since they aren’t happy in the marriage they decided to become intimate with someone of the same sex. And of course, we’ll be told in counseling and by well meaning friends and family that the unhappiness in the marriage “takes two”.  We are left to ponder the impossible task of satisfying a spouse who cannot be happy with someone of the opposite sex.

The healthy skepticism that Detective Bernard showed in the Law and Order episode is refreshing to see on television. “Everyone” does not have sex with someone of the same gender, only gay, lesbian, and bisexual people do. A straight person who becomes involved romantically with someone who has had a same sex affair needs to know what it really means – and their friends, family, and counselors should not be afraid to speak openly.

Open that closet door. Put the “down low” on the “up and up”.

The legal struggles over gay marriage continue. Defeated in Maine, New Jersey appears to be the next battleground during the lame duck session.

Isn’t that a nice way to describe what happens to our families, too?  Battleground?

After all, we straight spouses are often referred to as “Collateral Damage”.  The dehumanizing of people with this term often happens in the context of a battle.  Actually, it happens during a war – and in our families, gay marriage is just one battle front, the one that is most often publicly acknowledged.

Proponents and opponents of gay marriage all have their own arguments about what happens to our families, and how gay marriage will affect society.  Those arguments never include us, unless of course, it is necessary to present some “collateral damage” to sustain an argument. Like the rest of America, the heterosexual men and women who are or have been married to gay and lesbian people are not unified on this issue.  It seems to be one of those mine fields that many of us avoid, where we’re told how we OUGHT to think and feel.

Some people honestly feel that gay marriage should be enacted at least on a civil level, and that if it were, perhaps there would be fewer incidents of “collateral damage”.  There might even be fewer incidents of straight people having their lives torn up after many years of living with someone else’s deception.

Others feel as though gay marriage is just another thing that is forced on them.  If they disagree or question anything or have any difficulty adjusting to the family situation, they are accused of “hate”.  Some of us have seen improvements in our overall family situation after divorce and adjustment to a gay or lesbian stepparent. Others have seen the same situation tear children apart, while straight parents weather accusations of “hate”, and bear the blame for “parental alientation” tinged with “homophobia”.

The current initiatives toward repealing existing laws that permit gay marriage do nothing for straight spouses.  Rather, they raise the vitriol that we endure as we seek to heal and move forward.

There is no discernable ministry to straight spouses among the religious groups that fund campaigns on both sides of the gay marriage question.  Some churches allow chapters of the Straight Spouse Network to meet in their buildings.  Beyond that, there is little attention paid to what we need on an ongoing basis from our faith communities and clergy.  Many straight spouses find that they are welcome in the faith communities of their origin only if they share the correct beliefs about gays and gay marriage, whatever those are supposed to be.  They find that clergy and secular counselors are entirely ignorant of what our needs are in counseling.  Instead, straight spouses are directed to resolve our conflicts in light of how counseling professionals and clergy feel about homosexuality. Join the struggle for gay marriage and gay clergy, or pray away the gay. Neither is an answer to our dilemmas and questions of faith.

We strongly suggest that those who are concerned with the state of marriage pay attention to developing resources for straight spouses to move forward with our honest lives.  We also believe that greater support from counseling, teaching, and social service professionals needs to be available for mixed orientation families coping with stepfamily issues. With or without gay marriage, these needs exist NOW.

Well, it’s infidelity.  Lies, cheating, deception and all that. Just like in REGULAR divorces.  So just because your spouse has left you for someone of their same sex, you shouldn’t think you are any different from anyone else, right?

Wrong.

It is different.  Way different.  For the straight spouse, anyway.

When a man discovers his wife cheating on him with another man, he has a basic primal urge to beat up the intruder.  When the other man is a woman, he has that same urge. But oops!  Can’t hit a girl, you monster you.  Well, just be more understanding and deal with it.  Don’t express any anger, any hostility, any real feeling.  Ah, drinking again I see.  Well, just remember, if you’d been a better provider, lover, friend, housekeeper, father, etc, things would be different.

Now a man whose wife cheats on him with another man might own up to all the negatives in the last statement.  He might own his part in the breakup of the marriage eventually, because as all counselors always tell us (or so it seems) “it takes two, you have to own your own issues”.  But when a man’s wife has an affair with another woman he is left to wonder just what he could have changed about himself that would have mattered – because she’s gay and just not attracted to him really.

For those who think that having your wife involved with another woman is hot, consider this:  How hot is it for most straight men to be nagged in stereo, or whipped by two women – and not be able to strike back or express anger because everything about being a man is viewed in the negative?  How much of a turn on is that?  It may be a staple of the porn world, but in the real world, it is not much of a turn on at all.  How many straight women expect to come home to their husband after breaking up with the other man, and tell him the whole sobbing story about how they were dumped by the other man, or had a fight with him?  Not many, but this experience happens with some frequency to men who are married to emerging lesbians.

Now lets talk about straight women and their gay husbands’ infidelity, or in many cases, infidelities.  Along with straight women whose husbands are also straight, it certainly is possible that infidelity could happen because the guy married them for all the wrong reasons: money, position, appearances,baby making, mommy.  But then there are the problems of the marriage that go with being unloved or unappreciated or devalued.  She “lets herself go” and puts on weight.  He tells her she’s unattractive.  She’s a mess.  She doesn’t do anything right.  She’s depressed.

So they get divorced, they go to counseling for family issues.  Somehow, her issues are the problem.  The fact that he exposes her to AIDS, devalues her womanhood in subtle and not so subtle ways, and is on the “Down Low” or prefers anonymous bathroom nookie with a man he’s never met before to her love is supposed to be the same as if he cheated on her with a woman.  That means she’s not worth so much after all.  If he is cheating on her with a man who is the love of his life, that says to her that not only is her marriage over, but it was a total lie – and she is left to wonder if the problems with depression, unattractiveness, weight, housekeeping, etc are really her issues or if it was just a cover for him getting ready to discard her now that he’s done.

Yet, many gay husbands think that this means they are not cheating – after all, it’s not a relationship, or it’s not sex with a woman.

You never get a chance to work through what you could bring to the marriage to make it different, to possibly change the outcome if you choose to. No matter what you might do, your spouse is gay.  You don’t have the equipment, and they’ve probably found ways to tell you how inadequate you are before they admitted the real problem.

You never get to own your own issues, because in many of these marriages you own nothing but the lie from the start.

Counselors need to recognize in working with mixed orientation couples that talking about the issue of homosexuality in the marriage IS working on the marriage, and that the straight spouse has legitimate reasons for bringing up their feelings in regard to this.  Our need for affirmation at this time is often pretty keen, because so much of our own sexuality and personhood has been disaffirmed during the course of marriage.

By Elyse C.

I am a 51 year old woman about to be divorced. That, in and of itself, could be depressing. I hear a common lament from women in my age range that they feel like their lives are over and I can certainly sympathize, or, rather empathize with those women. Being in my 50’s and single are not my idea of a great time.  Statistically, I probably stand a greater chance of being struck by lightning than of getting remarried. Well, I don’t exactly know if that last statement is true. I don’t have actual numbers to back me up.

But wait a minute! What about me? What about using this divorce as a springboard for self-discovery and personal growth? Yes, the financial reality may be dismal, at least initially. But what an opportunity to start over! To grow, to learn, to change, to simplify, to eliminate the negativity from my life! OK, so maybe there are a few wrinkles, gray hairs, body parts that hurt, body parts that don’t want to work the same as they used to work—-but so what? Life can still be good—-heck, it can be better!

Don’t get me wrong:  I’m as nervous as hell about change in my life. I tend to give homage to the status quo. It is certainly easier not to change. To stay in the old, familiar patterns is comfortable. It’s less dangerous, less risky, etc. Nice and safe, just like I like it.

Well, like it or not, my husband came out of the closet, wants out so that he can start his life over and the sooner it happens for him, the better. I could fight it, dig in with both heels. Stall things or bring them to a screeching halt. Hang out for a few more years if I feel like it. But I don’t want to do that. The trouble is, I never saw myself as a divorced person. After 24+ years of marriage, one would think that things wouldn’t change dramatically. But life goes on, whether I agree with the premise or not.

I used to attend church faithfully every week, even several times a week. Lately, I haven’t been going anywhere to church. I intend to remedy that someday. Right now, I’m working on weekends, so it is next to impossible to get to a service. I have wrestled with faith issues since the gay thing entered my life more than 6 years ago. One thing I remember from my years of growing up in the church is a quote from Hebrews 1:11, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” This applies to my life in the here and now. I have such hope for the future. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know that all of it will be good. I certainly have hope that most of my life will be even better than it has been up until now.

I hope that most of you aren’t groaning and saying to yourselves, “She’s done gone and gotten all religious on us now!” I just have such hope for my future and the futures of all of us here, men and women alike. I can’t help but to focus on women in my age range, since they ARE my own kind. I feel like hope is central to all of our lives. If you are new to this, my message may not be something that you can digest or you may be annoyed with my perspective. That’s OK—we all find our own way, in our time, in the way that is right for us. The important thing is simply to open yourself to change, growth, progress, happiness (and perhaps, sadness), love, all the wonderful things that make us human.  I can hardly wait!

The Straight Spouse Network invites the perspectives of various individuals who wish to share their unique experiences. We thank Elyse C for being our Guest Blogger today and permitting us to print her article about her experience.

Today is National Coming Out Day.  For the straight spouses of closeted gay people, this has special meaning.

Closets stifle us and our families.  When we have to keep the secret of a gay spouse, and pretend to the world that all is well, that things are really just as they appear, it stifles us.  Some of us keep those secrets for personal reasons, others for professional reasons.  The secret has a cost to everyone who keeps it.

For the straight spouse whose husband or wife denies being gay while showing a sexual attraction to the same sex, the closet is particularly stifling – and dangerous.  Many straight spouses of such people have found that once we know the secret, either through discovery or disclosure, great efforts are directed at keeping us silent – or should we choose to emerge from the marital closet, making sure that what we say is unbelievable.

Outrage is being shown on HBO this month.  It’s an opportunity to catch a controversial film about closeted homosexual politicians who consistently vote or advocate laws and policies that are not in the best interests of homosexuals.  Such powerful policy makers not only slam the closet door on themselves and their families, they manage to crush others caught in the emergence from that same closet.

Outrage features a few minutes with Dina McGreevey, as well as her ex husband, Jim McGreevey, the former governor of New Jersey.  Their story of emerging publicly from the closet in 2004 is well documented, as is the tragedy of the public spectacle of their divorce.  For many of us, that divorce and the publicity surrounding it was a lesson in what happens to straight spouses when we depart from the script of the gay partner, and speak with our own voice. It has been reported in several blogs that McGreevey was unhappy with the inclusion of his ex wife’s perspective in the film. We hope that is untrue speculation.  For straight spouses, her testimony to her personal experience in this film confirms what many of us have also experienced.

Jim McGreevey is now out of office.  Can you imagine the agony of a straight spouse whose husband or wife is still holding public office, or an important leadership position in business, clergy, or social policy making – and the silence they must keep or else risk humiliation, denial, and devastation?  How many of those are there?  We suspect that for every Dina McGreevey who is recognized and speaks out, there are several others who are unknown and suffer anonymously and in silence.

Today, we encourage all gay people to come out to their families.  If you are married to a straight person, come out, honestly, compassionately. If you are a young person who is not out to your parents or siblings, share your secret if you feel it is safe to do so – you may find that although they grieve the loss of their expectations, they will still love you.  Remember, as you come out, there are support groups for you and for your family.  Tell your straight spouse about us.  Tell your parents about PFLAG.

Today, if you are a straight spouse married to someone who is deeply closeted, come out of isolation by contacting the Straight Spouse Network. Our services are free, and completely confidential.  Come out of that closet enough to know that you are not alone.