By Carolyn

The never-ending question straight spouses get is “how could you not know?” That question seems obvious to straight people married/partnered with other straight people. And – from my perspective – it’s even more obvious the younger you are.

For my generation, especially those of us who were at the very cusp of the sexual revolution, it wasn’t clear. For me, it wasn’t clear for decades. A gay male friend of mine (whom of course I dated in high school) said his now-ex wife asked the same question in joint counseling. Their counselor replied simply: “Because X didn’t want you to know.”

If you were very naïve sexually, and very young, you didn’t know what to expect. You didn’t know what was “normal” and what wasn’t. And – if you were insecure about your very physical being – it was very easy to think it was YOU that was the “problem.” YOU weren’t sexy enough, skilled enough, didn’t turn him/her on enough.

Hindsight is so clear. What I’ve come to call “retroactive humiliation” still haunts me.

The fact that he used to sign his notes to me in college with a fish symbol (as in cold fish)

The fact that he never ever liked deep kissing

The fact that he ran to my parent’s guest bathroom and vomited right after he asked me to marry him.

The fact that he demurred about touching my breasts the first time we made love (of course, not until after we were engaged, six months before we married)

The fact that he got roaring drunk on our wedding night.

The fact that I cried myself to sleep for the first year after we were married thinking “is that all there is?” It wasn’t like what I had read about in books and magazines, what I’d seen in the movies.

The fact that he rushed to wash himself immediately after intimacy.

The fact that we never cuddled on the couch; almost never spooned.

I could list one hundred examples. It doesn’t make a difference. If you don’t know, you simply don’t know.

For me, the opposite facts were that we were intellectually compatible, liked the same restaurants, and movies, and travel, got along really well for years. But but but…. yes, hindsight is so clear. Going to an elegant resort for our 30th anniversary and he didn’t touch me? It was because he had high blood pressure, was on medication, I was too fat, etc.

Some people think there’s an ironclad list you can check off – if ten out of twenty things are present then he/she is LGBT. I don’t believe that. I believe that – while there are great similarities – each person’s story is unique.

I also believe one has to trust one’s gut.  One’s gut tells the truth. I didn’t, for far far too long.

But when the facts were irrefutable, I found the Straight Spouse Network (www.straightspouse.org). And it saved my sanity. I wasn’t alone! This had happened to thousands and thousands of other people, and there were peers out there who had my back, who made me KNOW it wasn’t ME.

Yes, hindsight is so clear. And help is right there.

Independence Day in the United States is a family and community celebration of the nation’s freedom and independence.  It is also an occasion for many people to take stock of their personal freedom, their own independence, and measure how far they have come, and what they must do to continue on their own personal freedom trail.

For the straight spouse, that can mean a lot of things.  It can mean remembering the day of discovery or disclosure, and marking all the milestones that have happened in between the darkness of deception and the sometimes blinding light of truth.

We honor the day that we took the steps of freeing ourselves, whether we stay married or divorce.  We honor the day that open communication involved us too, asserting our own needs and perceptions.  We honor the day that we stopped keeping someone else’s secret, or the day we came to a workable agreement how that secret should be shared.  We honor the day we ceased to be disgraced by someone else’s behavior.  We honor the day we became more savvy about money, and started asking the right questions.

We honor our strength, our forbearance, our graces.  We honor those who helped us, listened to us, stayed up nights talking to us so we knew we were not alone.

The Straight Spouse Network has a type of independence day planned all month long.  We are in the running for two grants from large corporations, which will help us get the word out.  They’ll help us continue.

All we need from every single person we have ever helped, including gay spouses and family, is a vote.  Vote for us to win a Pepsi Refresh Grant of $25,000.  You can vote every day of the month of July for this.

Also, up until July 13, if you are on Facebook, you can vote for us to be among the top 200 charities for Chase Giving.  We’ll get a pile of money for that too.  That will free us from having to decide which of our many outreaches to scrap, free us to help more people.  The instructions for voting on Chase are here. You can keep your vote private on both sites if you and your family are not completely out of the closet yet.

We need the help of each and every one of you reading this.  Together we are strong.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

That may be a very difficult thing to hear for many straight spouses, some of whom are just learning that their husband or wife is gay.  For many, the feeling of loss is compounded by the romantic reminders all around them.  It confirms that you’re nobody’s valentine because the person you married would rather have sex with someone of the same sex, and not with you or anyone who is built like you. Valentines day can be a very painful and depressing day for anyone experiencing a breakup.  It seems to throw insult on top of injury for many straight spouses, who at one point in their lives may have believed in romance.

So the question is, how does a straight spouse survive Valentine’s day?  The answer: do something for yourself.

That sounds simple enough, but it really isn’t.  Many straight spouses have become so enmeshed in the drama, that they have neglected to nurture themselves, and enjoy the things they like.  So Valentine’s day is a day to do what is good for you – and figure that out.

It may be tempting to just enjoy chocolate, alcohol, or sweets in excess, but that isn’t really treating yourself well.  Instead, meet with friends and have dinner together.  Go to a movie that you like that your spouse would never have seen with you.  Do something that you enjoy that you stopped doing because your spouse objected or was just so sour on it that it wasn’t fun anymore.  That might include phoning a friend or family, renting a video, or attending a concert.

Think baths with your favorite bath oil.  Maybe shopping for new clothing, or something that your spouse never liked that you do like.  Go shopping at your favorite store for yourself.  Go fishing.  Go running. Watch a marathon of a show that you like and your spouse never did.

Love yourself.

You will have a new appreciation of the love of others, and a new self respect.

One thing you can do for yourself if you have not done so already is to contact the Straight Spouse Network to be connected to other people who truly understand this experience, and reach out to help each other heal.

Thanks to all who volunteered after seeing our last blog entry. The Straight Spouse Network is nothing without the volunteer services of those who are ready to make a difference in the lives of other straight spouses.  We are one non profit that does not want to grow, but unfortunately we do, every single day.  Approximately 5 people A DAY contact us, and are responded to within 24 hours one on one, by someone who has a similar history and is available to listen in confidence, (by email or phone) and possibly meet with the person who is asking for help or direct them to additional resources for support.

So besides support, what does the Straight Spouse Network do?  We advocate for straight spouses by educating the public, professionals, and the gay community about our experiences and perspectives.  To do this, we build bridges constantly, even though we may be at odds with the other side of the bridge!  Our founder, Amity Buxton, and some of our members are active in the professional associations of psychologists and counselors, advocating for appropriate practices when it comes to therapy for us.  Some of our members speak to gay groups to educate them about what the straight spouse is experiencing, and why it doesn’t always turn out the way the gay spouse expects.

We have members who are available for media interviews.  Often these are not really about us, but are a sideline to issues such as gay marriage.  Also, because of confidentiality, sometimes we have to be cautious with media contacts.  Our aim is not to be the stars of daytime television, but to be the resource that is mentioned after the drama is resolved.  Sadly, some of our members have had the experience of being contacted by representatives of the media, and then being discarded because their responses do not fit the story that has already been designed.  Each of us is different, and has a different perspective to share.  We welcome media contact, but they will have to respect the need of some spouses for confidentiality.

We are the pre-eminent support group for straight spouses worldwide.  We are probably the most diverse group of people in the world, some of us having little in common with each other besides the common experience of having a gay spouse or significant other.  The ways in which we help one another, and help ourselves, are powerful, strong, and very necessary.

Thanks to all who help this small but mighty group make a difference in the lives of millions of people.

This isn’t another post about how the Straight Spouse Network needs money.  Well, we do need money.  But there is one thing we need even more: people who are willing to help other people.

If you’ve learned a few things on your journey about coping, communicating, facing reality, and moving forward after disclosure or discovering a spouse is gay, we invite you to help others who are just beginning to deal with this.  If the Straight Spouse Network has helped you, we need to to help others who now are facing the same dilemma of a husband or wife who is gay.

We need you to help no matter what your experience is: divorce, staying married, male, female, old, young.  We are directly contacted by between 35-40 (5 – 7 per day) people every week from around the world who need our help.  They contact us by filling out a web form or calling us directly.  Each one has a different story.  We have people in place who help them to find someone local to them, a face to face group, or a person who they can talk to in detail.  And that is where you come in.  We’re asking you to be the next voice they hear that says “I understand.  You are not alone” and really knows what they are saying. If you have gained some wisdom, self awareness, and strength through SSN, we are asking you to volunteer.

We aren’t asking you to start a face to face support group, although if you want to that would be great!  There are many areas where these just aren’t available.  Frequently, people connect in other ways – over the phone, email, or in one of our affiliated online support groups – and make plans then to actually meet if possible.  We’re asking you to . to possibly be a contact for those looking for support especially when we have no F2F groups in the area.  To do this go to our website at www.straightspouse.org.  Click to the “How You Can Help” button and scroll to be a contact/facilitator.  Fill in the application form and you will hear from us.    The organization is always here to help you to do this with training and support.

If you don’t think you can do this, we have other jobs for you.  We need help in our local groups with organizing events.  Here are some of the other skills or services we need:

Writing skills
Media skills
Professional printing for publications.
Legal experience
Public relations
Fundraising
Development skills

The Straight Spouse Network is only as effective as the people who are an active part of it.  We’re the peer to peer support group for people who didn’t know they had peers, and thought they were alone.  Share your strength, experience, and perspective.  To volunteer, go to our website, look for that How You Can Help button at the top right of the home page,  and follow the above instructions.

The Straight Spouse Network is once again on Santa’s nice list.  And for the fourth year in a row, Santa Claus is giving our supporters a chance to give a really nice gift to loved ones – or a great Christmas souvenir for yourself! After all, if you support us – you’re on our good list too!

Santa will personally autograph a picture, and you can have a brief personalized note.  Children love to hear things from Santa like “Thanks for the cookies and milk” or “I hear you’ve been working hard in school” or “Hope you like the bike!”  Best of all, orders received by December 7 will be postmarked “North Pole, Alaska”.  After that, Santa will be asking his helpers to send the pictures from New Jersey.

We’re very grateful to Santa for his ongoing support of the Straight Spouse Network.  The pictures are $10, and additional photos sent to the same address are only $5.  It’s a great fundraiser for us, and a fun way to celebrate Christmas with our loved ones.

Today is National Coming Out Day.  For the straight spouses of closeted gay people, this has special meaning.

Closets stifle us and our families.  When we have to keep the secret of a gay spouse, and pretend to the world that all is well, that things are really just as they appear, it stifles us.  Some of us keep those secrets for personal reasons, others for professional reasons.  The secret has a cost to everyone who keeps it.

For the straight spouse whose husband or wife denies being gay while showing a sexual attraction to the same sex, the closet is particularly stifling – and dangerous.  Many straight spouses of such people have found that once we know the secret, either through discovery or disclosure, great efforts are directed at keeping us silent – or should we choose to emerge from the marital closet, making sure that what we say is unbelievable.

Outrage is being shown on HBO this month.  It’s an opportunity to catch a controversial film about closeted homosexual politicians who consistently vote or advocate laws and policies that are not in the best interests of homosexuals.  Such powerful policy makers not only slam the closet door on themselves and their families, they manage to crush others caught in the emergence from that same closet.

Outrage features a few minutes with Dina McGreevey, as well as her ex husband, Jim McGreevey, the former governor of New Jersey.  Their story of emerging publicly from the closet in 2004 is well documented, as is the tragedy of the public spectacle of their divorce.  For many of us, that divorce and the publicity surrounding it was a lesson in what happens to straight spouses when we depart from the script of the gay partner, and speak with our own voice. It has been reported in several blogs that McGreevey was unhappy with the inclusion of his ex wife’s perspective in the film. We hope that is untrue speculation.  For straight spouses, her testimony to her personal experience in this film confirms what many of us have also experienced.

Jim McGreevey is now out of office.  Can you imagine the agony of a straight spouse whose husband or wife is still holding public office, or an important leadership position in business, clergy, or social policy making – and the silence they must keep or else risk humiliation, denial, and devastation?  How many of those are there?  We suspect that for every Dina McGreevey who is recognized and speaks out, there are several others who are unknown and suffer anonymously and in silence.

Today, we encourage all gay people to come out to their families.  If you are married to a straight person, come out, honestly, compassionately. If you are a young person who is not out to your parents or siblings, share your secret if you feel it is safe to do so – you may find that although they grieve the loss of their expectations, they will still love you.  Remember, as you come out, there are support groups for you and for your family.  Tell your straight spouse about us.  Tell your parents about PFLAG.

Today, if you are a straight spouse married to someone who is deeply closeted, come out of isolation by contacting the Straight Spouse Network. Our services are free, and completely confidential.  Come out of that closet enough to know that you are not alone.

By Janet Mc

There.  I don’t know how much more plain I can make it.  The Straight Spouse Network needs money, badly.  The Straight Spouse Network cannot exist without money.

Our last appeal so far has netted a grand total of  $3000 .  We have approximately $10467.00, to our name.  Approximately $10,400 of that amount sits in a CD.  If no more donations came in other than the above, SSN has about 4 months of life left.  Think about a day without SSN… no a lifetime with no SSN which is where we could be headed. No website, no phone contact, no F2F groups and much more.

No one makes money off SSN.  The phone company and the web host support the lifeline we provide to people reaching out for support.  Phone companies and web hosts do not give away their services to anyone.  The last we checked, the post office does not give away postage. We mail brochures, respond to correspondence, send Amity Buxton’s articles on request.  Sometimes a donation comes back.  That’s very much appreciated.

Incidental costs for face to face meetings, sending a speaker to address a group, networking with non profit supports – that takes gas.  This year gas is around $2.40 a gallon.  This time last year it was around $4 a gallon.  When someone fills up a tank in order to accomplish something for SSN, the gas station does not say, “OH! there’s a deserving non profit!  Here’s your freebie.”

There are costs involved in BEING a non profit.  Accountants.  Lawyers on occasion.  An annual board meeting.  We minimize these costs as best we can, but there are still costs.  We have staff – all part time, all with specific duties, all very minimal.  This organization could not have done the mammoth outreach we have accomplished in the past two years without the regular availability of staff.  This blog and this website are primary among those results.  Staff are being told to cut their hours by 25%.  Most only work 5 to 10 paid hours a week.

People have written books about being a straight spouse, surviving, coping.  We see none of that money, unless the sale is made through our link on Amazon.com.  We are not paid for our brief appearances on television or other media, yet SSN is the first place that reporters contact when they want the perspective of a straight spouse.

Are there celebrity straight spouses?  Sure.  Are they speaking publicly on our behalf?  When they can, which is not much.  Many cannot afford to be identified continually with this problem, or have reached legal agreements with their ex’s that make it impossible for them to do so.  It is a fashionable thing in Hollywood right now to support gay marriage.  If a celebrity were to make a big announcement about supporting us, there would be quite a few questions asked, including “there’s a support group for that?  Uh, so, did he/she need that help?”

Do we apply for grants? Sure!  We’ve received a few. We can make several thousand dollars spread a long way.  Yup.  Grants of several thousand dollars.  Not tens of thousands of dollars.  Several thousand dollars.  Oh, we apply to foundations, and are always looking for new streams of funding. We are now at a point in our development where we have a track record to interest larger funders.

But we have a unique problem – because we are a unique group.  If we offered general support for divorces or troubled marriages, we’d fall under the human services/family services category.  It was with that idea in mind that I visited the Foundation Center Library two years ago in New York City.  I was a novice at fundraising, so I asked the librarian for tips on searching for what we needed.  I described our group.  When I got the usual confused “There’s a group for that?” stare, I mentioned that we were like Dina McGreevey. The librarian indicated that she knew EXACTLY what I was talking about, and that we had a whole category for groups like us.  “Jackpot”! I thought.

The whole category was LGBTQ.  “But”, I protested, “We’re not gay”.  She assured me that for funding, this was all related and we would fit here.

She was right. We do fit there.  That’s where we’ve had the most success, because we don’t have to battle for recognition of what we do.  But the interests of LGBTQ funders are focused on marriage, gay youth, medical care, retirement options for elderly gay couples who don’t fit the usual nursing home scenario.  In other words, LGBTQ funders focus on the unique needs of gay people!  But in the world of non profits, this is the category where we fit.

We have a few donors who consistently come through.  Some of them are gay.  None are outrageously wealthy.  We will continue to apply for funding from community sources, individual donors, matching funds, private foundations.  But in the meantime, we need help, and we need it from you – our constituents.  We know that many of you are facing dire financial problems.

With me, this is personal.  I am a staff member here at SSN – I perform about 5 hours a week of clerical tasks and I edit this blog.  I was divorced 10 years ago, and my divorce and custody proceedings lasted 4 years.  It ended at the appellate level, where my ex’s continued requests for an iron clad 50/50 custody agreement were denied, and we were free to be a typical divorced family – the kids lived with me, saw their father regularly on Wednesdays and alternate weekends, and could go with him whenever they wanted.  My legal expenses for divorce and defending my custody of our children cost around $75,000 over a four year period.  I am impoverished, living in a new area, working a full time job that does not pay enough. I was unemployed for a while, like many of you.   I have a lot of debt – in fact, I am drowning in debt.  I focused most of my energy and money for the last ten years on my children’s survival, and not on me.  Consequently, I now have health issues.

So, like many of you, I cannot just write a check.  But I support SSN in the following ways:

1.  I donate SOMETHING every year.
2.  Last year when my car died, I turned a lemon into lemonade.  I donated my car. SSN got about $200.  I was surprised they got that much.
3.  I am selling my life on Ebay right now.  SSN gets a portion of the sale through Missionfish.
4.  I am rewriting my will.  I don’t think there will be much, but SSN will get something.  If my children predecease me, SSN will get it all.  Not that there is much.
5. Many of you in my face to face group and online communities know that I recently have taken up running.  I am not very good at it, and all the races I have done so far have been sponsored by specific charities.  This is an expensive thing to do, and SSN cannot afford to sponsor a race.  But, when I am ready for a public race, where I can raise money for my own cause, you will find me putting up a donation site on Firsgtiving where my friends can donate to SSN in support of me.  If you are currently a marathon runner and would like to set up a donation site for SSN, I can assist you. You can make it private, so that only the people you choose will know.

Being gay is not a choice, and being in a mixed orientation marriage is not something that many of us straight spouses would have chosen if we had known before the wedding that our spouse was gay, or what that really meant.  WE DO HAVE CHOICES in how we deal with our current situation.  We can choose to support the only non profit organization that is a direct, free resource for all straight spouses in the world.  Or we can whine about how gay people, government, and social services ought to pay up, how things are not fair, and go down with a high priced pity party.  NO ONE WILL SUPPORT US IF WE DO NOT SUPPORT SSN OURSELVES. If you have received help from SSN, networked with other straight spouses over several months or even years, or gotten over the hump and are getting on with your life now, we need you to remember us with a donation.

So stop whining and put your money where your mouth is.  Put up or we will be shut up.

YOUR CHOICE.

Lately, it seems that you just cannot turn on the TV or go to any sort of public event without encountering previously unheard of rudeness and hostility. First, there were all those angry old folks shouting at Congressional representatives about health care.

And finally, there was the outburst of poor sportsmanship by Serena Williams.

But wait. There’s more.

Several message boards and online commentaries featured the idea that after all this time, we should “just get over” the events of 9/11. Yup. The single worst attack on American soil in history, we’re still at war as a result, but hey, its a new day, just get over it. Can you believe this?

And just last night, Kanye West grabbed the microphone away from a stunned Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards, saying that her competitor Beyonce should have won. Poor 19 year old Taylor stood there, at what should have been a moment of personal and professional joy, looking strangely reminiscent of Sissy Spacek in the movie “Carrie”.

Well, Taylor, Mr. President, members of congress, and Ms. Tennis Judge, welcome to our world.

Often when straight spouses try to tell the truth, we are interrupted, sidelined, silenced or mocked. Having people be intensely and unexpectedly rude to us is nothing new. Having our grief minimized and dismissed is also, sadly, somewhat common.

Sometimes the rudeness is from our gay spouse. Somehow, we’re not supposed to think that cruising gay websites, looking at gay pornography, or having sex with someone else of the same sex means someone is actually gay. No, they’re experimenting. They’re on the Down Low. Somehow, the fact that your wife is having sex with a woman is supposed to be HOT and you are supposed to be PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDING and compassionate when she wants to bring her girlfriend home with her – to your home. Laughing, snorting, sneering, leering – we’ve endured it all. Then there’s the rudeness in therapy and counseling. We hear everything from how we can work harder at the marriage, to enduring knowingly raised eyebrows and a broad hint that NOBODY is COMPLETELY straight. And lets not even get into the family members and former friends who ask “Are you SURE? How can you tell?” or who suggest that if you want him to be more of a man, try being more of a woman. You suddenly find a lot of people who think that after a year or so, you should just GET OVER IT, because after all, hey, yawn, gay happens. Your world stopped, theirs kept on turning, so deal with it.

When you come to a Straight Spouse Network face to face support group meeting, we won’t be rude to you. About the rudest thing that should happen is someone might be even angrier than you are and shout louder about it! We won’t tell you to tone it down, you might offend someone. Some of us might tell you that we remember feeling that way too! We might have to pull you off the ceiling and dust you off a bit, but we won’t tell you to tone it down. This is YOUR story. And we understand and share the pain.

We’ll listen. And we’ll help guide you through it, toward a healing path. Maybe we’ll make some new friends, build some bridges, gain some new perspective, new connections. We’ll help you realize that you are NOT alone. After all, when your husband is not home a lot, you find pics of naked man body parts on the computer, there are unexplained charges on the cell phone bill, and he’s suddenly obsessed with working out and removing body hair, we can fully understand how angry you become when counselors, friends, and family tell you well, gee, that doesn’t make him gay, ya know. When your wife is constantly in the company of another woman, calling her, texting her, not being intimate with you, and spending much of her free time at lesbian clubs because you just have to understand, she loves the poetry, well, yes, we understand how that feels too. We’re certainly not going to tell you that its so so hot. We won’t hurt you that way. We’ll help you grow strong in the face of that hurt.

As survivors of unimaginable rudeness and hostility, we have some suggestions for the people who have recently been sideswiped in public by bizarre displays of self centered rudeness.

Congress, keep it real, and get to the deal. Mr. President, keep it cool. Ms. Tennis Judge, let the Tennis Association deal with it, and perhaps Serena can take some etiquette lessons from John McEnroe. And Taylor, you just keep on singing and filming your videos. Maybe you should keep singing that song “Picture to Burn” that makes some straight spouses laugh, and other straight spouses cringe. You know, the one where you sing

So go and tell your friends
That I’m obsessive and crazy,
That’s fine
I’ll tell mine
You’re gay,
And by the way,
I hate that stupid old pickup truck,
You never let me drive…

Go ahead and keep singing that song. And dedicate it to Kanye. We promise, no one will believe you.

After all, who could imagine Kanye West driving a stupid old pickup truck?

Now we’re proud!  The Straight Spouse Network  (SSN) has been named the Best of Northeast in the 2009 Pride Choice Awards, sponsored by Great Nonprofits, Guidestar, and Queerty (www.greatnonprofits.org/pride). The contest asked people to submit reviews about nonprofits serving the LGBT community.  The network received 65 five-star reviews.

The Straight Spouse Network  (www.straightspouse.org) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual spouses/partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples for constructively resolving coming-out problems. The network also offers research-based information about spouse, couple, and family issues and resources to other family members, professionals, community organizations, and the public. The organization is the only support network of its kind in the world.

“It was through the Straight Spouse Network,” wrote one reviewer, “that I learned how to live again, how to face reality in the eye and stand tall. I was no longer alone. The men and women of the Straight Spouse Network understood the issues I was experiencing and with out being judgmental stood beside me and was my guide. They led by example and did not dwell on the negative. They didn’t take sides but instead helped me clarify the issues and understand that the sexuality of my wife was nothing I had any influence over. Over the years I have many times I have stood side by side with members of the GLBT community and marched and spoke for equality. Reaching Out – Healing – Building Bridges are not just words spoke by the Straight Spouse Network. They talk the talk and they walk the walk. The Straight Spouse Network is not just the Other Side of the Closet; they kick the door open, expose reality, and offer a helping hand so everyone can heal from this significant emotional event,”

Kathy Callori, Executive Director of the Straight Spouse Network, was thrilled by the announcement. “With the help of our many volunteers and part time paid staff, the Straight Spouse Network will continue to be there to help all those who reach out for support in their time of crisis.”