The Haggards are back, and Oprah’s got ‘em!

Gayle Haggard is on a publicity tour for her new book “Why I Stayed“.   It’s an interesting perspective on remaining married after same sex infidelity and betrayal.  It is very clear that a major factor in this decision is that Gayle genuinely loves her husband, Ted Haggard – and he loves her right back!  That alone is a story that many straight spouses never get to live.  Those who remain in mixed orientation monogamous marriages know that love, trust, and communication are paramount in importance – and have to be mutual.

Gayle made an appearance on Oprah, with Ted, and carried herself very well with Oprah’s proclaimed “non judgemental”  interview.  Oprah appeared incredulous that Gayle still loves her husband!  This is not so incredible to those who remain in long term mixed orientation marriages.  Oprahs questions were probing, insightful, and brought out a lot of good points about the entire experience. It was a great interview.

However, Oprah lost us on one train of thought:

“Would this have been the same were the infidelities with women?  I wonder if yeah, I just wonder, if and I’ve interviewed other women who found out their husbands were in relationships with men, who found out their husbands were gay, for some women it’s easier if the other man is gay. ….if its another man, there’s nothing you can do about that…for some women it makes it easier because you think well no matter what I would have done, well, you know, I’m not gonna be a guy!”

In our experience, it’s unusual for a straight woman to find infidelity with a gay husband to be preferable to infidelity with another woman, or even “the same”.  The realization that “it’s not me” does not come quickly for everyone, especially when you may not be able to disclose the reason for divorce, or confide in friends and family members.  As Gayle says, “It’s different”. Women who have attended our face to face meetings across the world and right there in Oprah’s home town, Chicago, say the same thing.  In a private, confidential, peer to peer setting, they share the stories of deception, betrayal, and the unique shredding of their own sexual identity that often comes with marriage to a closeted gay husband. For many women, the rejection of their female body and passive aggressive denigration of everything about them by their closeted gay husband comes before any actual infidelity. After discovery or disclosure, there can be a sense of relief that “it’s not me”, but they are left to rebuild who “me” is after so much tearing apart.

Gayle is telling her story, and emphasizes that it is hers and no one elses.  We applaud her for that, as we all have different experiences with our spouses and families. Her story will share some common threads with many.

If Oprah were to interview other straight spouses, she would gain  an understanding for herself and to her audience of the many different experiences and perspective concerning the experience of straight spouses, from “honey I’m gay” to “no, I’m not gay, you are crazy” to “well, you just have to let me be me and tolerate my same sex relationships” to “Im not gay, I just like having sexual encounters with men”.

The Straight Spouse Network is the pre eminent peer to peer support group for the heterosexual husbands and wives of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered people.  There is an active face to face support group right there in Oprah’s back yard.  We encourage her to keep on interviewing women whose husbands are in relationships with men, and men whose wives are in relationships with women.

And Oprah, the next time you interview one of us, a straight spouse like Gayle or Dina, we’d appreciate it if you would let your large audience know that yes, there’s a support group for that – a big one, which spans the globe!

Caution:  Rough road ahead.

Ted and Gayle Haggard made news again last week- this time they were interviewed on the daytime show “Divorce Court” by Cleveland Heights judge Lynn Toler.  It’s an interview worth watching for any straight spouse, no matter how you feel about the Haggards.  Divorce Court has featured mixed orientation marriages in the past, and will have another one on this week.

Judge Toler does her best to not let Ted Haggard slip around some very tough questions.  She does not let him for one minute minimize the effect of his actions on his wife and family.  And she flat out states that if Haggard were to ever resume ministry, she certainly would not be trusting her children to him.

She’s also not easy on Gayle Haggard, asking how she couldn’t have known something was wrong – and if Gayle had problems with being intimate with Ted after the disclosure.  Gayle’s answer is “I had to process through this and not lose what we have”.  Well, many of us certainly understand that feeling, particularly those straight spouses who are reluctant to divorce.

What’s particularly familiar to many straight spouses is that Ted says he wasn’t “born gay” – he became homosexual as a result of sexual abuse as a teen.  This appears to be important with him.  Many of us find evidence of same sex activity with our spouses, hear the same denials of homosexuality, or the assertion that it’s just about one particular person.

What’s also familiar to straight spouses is Gayle’s discussion of the “process”.  Many of us who have been in long term marriages only to discover similiarly spectacular infidelity look for ways to maintain the relationship while moving forward, healing our own severely damaged sense of trust. Ted was the pastor of the largest Christian congregation in the USA, and had repeated sex with a male prostitute, took methamphetemines, and a church member alleges to have been propositioned by Ted.  She says she needed to understand what was going on with him.  Many of us have also felt the same way.

It’s difficult for the general public to understand the spouses need to understand what the gay spouse is experiencing – but for many of us, that’s part of the process of making sense of the whole experience, unless we immediately decide that our marriages have been based on a lie and distance ourselves from it.  It’s also tempting to want to tell the story of being “forgiven and fixed” – the reason is always “to help others” but for many people the reason is also to affirm what they need to believe right now.

Once the truth comes out, staying married to a prominent closeted homosexual who has so many remaining issues is a long long road full of many choices, turns, and barriers.  There is no quick path to healing and forgiveness – it is something that we work through for years as we develop our healthy selves and make choices about our lives.  Gayle Haggard is really just starting down that path – and she deserves not only the honest questions, but the respect and support that all straight spouses deserve.

It’s a long, hard road – and there is no express lane.

We’re famous! At least in Washington DC!

Many thanks to Carolyn Sega Lowengart for all her efforts on behalf of straight spouses, and for her appearance on the local ABC affiliate. Carolyn was interviewed for a followup to the local airing of Ted Haggard on Oprah.

You can see her appearance here.

Whenever the issue of having a gay spouse hits the news with a high profile scandal, Straight Spouse Network gets inquiries – on the website, on the phone. It’s so important that Straight Spouses know that they are not alone, and do not have to go through this experience alone.

Many thanks to Carolyn for the countless volunteer hours she puts in to help us get the word out, and the support she gives to others. Most importantly, many thanks to her for telling others to “trust your gut” and not be afraid to ask questions until you learn the total truth.

There are people in this organization who have literally saved lives – and she is one of them.

Thursday evening at 8:00 pm EST, HBO will premiere The Trials of Ted Haggard. This documentary by Alexandra Pelosi traces the two year trail of the Haggard family since Ted Haggard, formerly the pastor of one of the fastest growing evangelical congregations in the USA, president of the National Association of Evangelicals,  and outspoken opponent of gay rights, was very publicly outed by a gay male prostitute for having gay sex and using methamphetimines.  At present, Haggard is defrocked, does not have a pulpit, and sells life insurance in partnership with his wife Gayle.

The Haggards are also making the rounds of promotional appearances.  They have been written up in People Magazine, and are scheduled to appear on Oprah. Haggard’s former congregation, the New Life Church,  has released more details on the sex scandal that previously were kept private.

Yes, this is painful for us str8s to watch.  But for those of us who are far enough along in our own healing, it is worthwhile for us to tune in, and consider what will be shown of Gayle Haggard’s experience and perspective.

Like a minority of straight spouses, Gayle has chosen to remain married. Many of us know what a difficult choice this is, and how support for the straight spouse often is lacking for those who stay married.  It will be interesting to see how this is handled in the documentary – our hope is that this will not be another portrayal of a straight spouse who is stupid, dependent, or deluded, but an honest examination into the purpose, motivation, and experience behind Gayle’s own responses.

Ted Haggard has gone through some secular counseling, and we expect that there will be much focus on that.  It is important to understand the phenomenon of a man who can compartmentalize himself to lead such a completely double life as this one did – and what the aftermath is for him and his family.

Shortly after the scandal broke, Ted went through some reparative therapy and declared himself “cured” a bit too quickly to be believable by most people.   Many straight spouses have experienced further shattering of their lives through therapies designed to change a homosexual, repair homosexuality, etc.  In face to face support groups around the world, straight spouses often tell the tale of a homosexual spouse who developed aversion to contact, became seriously depressed, or developed a life that totally revolved around the “ex gay” ministry – to the exclusion of spouse and family, who were expected to partner in prayer.  With the total emphasis being on changing the orientation and not redirecting behavior toward choices that benefit the entire family, lives are often shattered further by these misguided attempts to change orientation.  For this reason the straight spouse network has taken a position opposing reparative therapies and ex gay ministries.

A major emphasis of the HBO film is on forgiveness and judgement – not only by family and church, but by the liberal individuals such as the film maker who pride themselves on tolerance.  Pelosi notes that the family has been subject to hostility from all sides, including secular organizations that normally are responsive toward gay people and their families.

As a support network for straight spouses, we offer support, listening, peer to peer interaction for straight husbands and wives in all sorts of marriages, from all sorts of backgrounds, who make all sorts of choices.  We are here for straight spouses in complete confidentiality wherever you are in your life, in your marriage, divorce, or what stage of grief, reconciliation, forgiveness, or just coping.  Our support comes in face to face groups, private one to one telephone conversations, or online resources.

Many of us won’t be able to watch this program – it is just too painful.  Clearly, many people will watch for the sensationalism and freak show trash TV content.  The straight spouses who can watch this program will be looking on support of one of the millions of others just like us, who have endured the incredible deception in marriage of a homosexual spouse leading a double life.