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The following are some of the most common questions asked as people come to us for support.
Please note that we do not claim that these are the best answers for your particular situation. Each straight spouse must decide for themselves what works for them and their situation.
If you have suggestions for other questions that we should add to this page, or alternative answers for any of the questions below, please let us know using our Comments form.
You've taken the first step by finding us. Now it's a matter of taking time to decide what is right for you as you move forward in your life. The Straight Spouse Network supports whatever path a straight spouse takes as long as it is not harmful to themselves or to others.
Finding a face to face support group, joining an email support list, or just talking with another person who has been in this situation can help immensely. You can find face to face groups, email lists and personal contacts by clicking on "Find Support" above.
Taking care of yourself should be a priority at this point in your journey. It can be very easy to allow yourself to be caught up in taking care of your spouse/partner or your children rather than taking care of yourself.
There is no one clear path for all people who discover that they are a straight spouse. Each person needs to decide for themselves what is most important to them and make their decisions based upon that, we are here to help you with information and support in this process.
Having suspicions and having true disclosure are two completely different things. This can cause a great deal of distress to some straight spouses who never actually hear the words "I'm lesbian", "I'm gay", "I'm bisexual", or "I'm transgendered" from their spouse.
There are websites that give checklists of how to tell your spouse is gay, how to tell if he or she is cheating, etc, however, they can be of limited value because at best they can only lead you to ask the right questions, they cannot, in and of themselves, tell you that you spouse definitively is or is not LGBT.
Some websites will recommend "spy software" to track your spouse' internet activity and learn the "truth" that way. We don't agree with this approach as a healthy way to find out the truth. For most straight spouses, the fact that we were deceived is one of our biggest issues, to then become a spy to find out the "truth" can harm us emotionally. (If you do decide to use some sort of "spy software" be sure to check your local laws regarding the use of such products.)
We instead recommend asking the question, as many times and different ways as you need to, to discover the truth. If your spouse/partner is open to counseling this can be a good venue to approach the conversation.
With that said, we need to emphasize again that you may never get "confirmation" that your spouse is LGBT and may need to make decisions about your life without having this confirmation.
The American Psychological Association describes Sexual orientation as follows: "Sexual orientation refers to an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions to men, women, or both sexes." Using this description people who have an enduring pattern of attraction to people of the opposite gender are referred to as heterosexual, those who have an enduring pattern of attraction to those of the same gender are referred to as homosexual (gay or lesbian) and those that have an enduring pattern of attraction to both genders are referred to as bisexual.
The APA further states "Sexual orientation is distinct from other components of sex and gender, including biological sex (the anatomical, physiological, and genetic characteristics associated with being male or female), gender identity (the psychological sense of being male or female), and social gender role (the cultural norms that define feminine and masculine behavior)."
As you see this can be a confusing subject. At its' simplest terms we at the Straight Spouse Network find it most helpful not to worry about what an individual "labels" themselves, it is more helpful to focus on behavior and healing.
Frequently at our support group meetings, participants relate that their mates came out to them originally as bisexual, but later then changed that description to gay or lesbian. This change causes many straight spouses to feel that "bi" is merely a stepping stone to gay. In reality, gay spouses who do this are usually trying to "soften" the blow to their straight spouses/partners not knowing that it adds to the confusion and feelings of betrayal.
With honesty and compassion. Generally speaking you have been dealing with the fact that you are LGBT for much longer than your spouse has. You've had time to come to grips with how it affects you emotionally, and generally have had time to consider how it will affect the family.
We have a more detailed entry on our blog with tips on how to come out to your spouse. View Blog Entry
Yes, even if your spouse/mate has been fully faithful, this will allow you to move forward with whatever decisions you decide to make without the concern of possible disease being an unknown.
The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention maintains a website which will allow you to find a testing site in your area (if you live in the United States) at www.hivtest.org. This website also has a good frequently asked questions section.
Yes, be sure to ask when contacting any agency if this is a concern for you.
Many couples after disclosure go through a "honeymoon" period where the relief of the gay or bi spouse coming out and being honest with themselves leads to a renewed sexual life between the couple. If this is the case with you, you must be certain that you are taking appropriate steps to ensure your continued health and well being. This should include using latex condoms, and other safer sex practices. Be sure to educate yourself on what your risks are, and take appropriate steps.
Frequently new straight spouses suffer from a variety of medical ailments, including depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, and a general worsening of any conditions they may already have had. This is primarily a result of the added stress that the disclosure adds to your life.
An honest and open discussion of all of these issues with your primary care physician will allow him/her to suggest remedies that are most appropriate to your situation. Your MD or Psychiatrist can prescribe medically appropriate treatment to assist you through this trying time, if needed.
As an organization, we cannot suggest or endorse any particular doctor or therapist. If you are in an area where we have a face to face support group, you can ask other members what their personal experiences have been, and they can make recommendations based upon their own experience.
If you live in the United States the American Medical Association maintains a website that will allow you to search for a physician at the following link AMA Doctor Finder. You can also seek physicians and therapists through your health insurance plan or employee assistance program if you are enrolled in one.
Understand that it is ok to feel whatever you are feeling at the moment. It may not be pleasant but these feelings are real and others have experienced them. It also may be quite fluid. What you feel about the situation may change from moment to moment.
At our support group meetings you will frequently hear people suggesting "baby steps"… in other words, make one small decision at a time and let that settle in, before making further decisions. This allows you time to process your emotions.
The process straight spouses go through is often described as being similar to the grieving process at the loss of a spouse. Many of the steps you might go through are similar, however, in the case of a straight spouse, frequently the LGBT spouse is still around and involved in your life (in whatever fashion) and thus there is no clear point at which grieving ends.
Focus on your daily needs, don't allow yourself to neglect those things that bring you joy and health in your life, and allow yourself the time to make good decisions that are in your best interest.
Yes, in many different ways. You will frequently hear that there is no one right way for a straight spouse to handle their situation. Likewise, there are many different outcomes of "surviving" the experience.
Some straight spouses, for a wide variety of reasons, maintain their relationship with their LGBT spouse. Others separate and divorce rapidly. Still others attempt to remain together and after a period of time discover that this is not the right path for them. Whatever path is chosen we are here to support the straight spouse as you make decisions that are right for you, and go through this process.
At times the straight spouses may feel that it is hopeless, and that they won't survive this process, we are here to tell you that you can, and will. Reach out to other straight spouses if you feel this way, you will find that you are not alone, and you will survive.
For those spouses who married without knowing about their LGBT partners same sex attractions, there is frequently a loss of trust in our own judgment.
This comes as a result of asking ourselves "How could I not have known", or worse having others ask us the same question.
A key thing to be aware of is that we can only know as much of what another person truly thinks/feels as they are willing to share with us. For a closeted gay spouse to go for years appearing to the world to be straight is not at all unusual.
Most often in these circumstances, we lose trust in our own judgment. It takes time to learn that we made our decisions based upon what was ultimately faulty information. Our decisions and feelings were made based on the best information that we had at the time.
It takes time to learn to trust our own judgment again; frequently we become oversensitive to all things gay for a period of time, seeing all things through the filter of our experience. With time, this gradually fades, and we learn to trust ourselves again, which is the first step in being able to trust others again.
The following 10 steps towards finding emotional distance have been used on one of our email support lists for years. They provide some simple steps to help you find some emotional distance so that you can make better choices and take care of yourself.
10 Steps Toward Distancing
Distancing is especially important in an emotional relationship gone wrong.
(Original Author Unknown)
Frequently we will hear the behavior of a recently "outed" LGBT spouse described as "childish" or more appropriately "adolescent". This can be incredibly painful to the straight spouse who is left behind.
All we can do is attempt to explain some of why this occurs, while it will not necessarily lessen the hurt that we as straight spouses feel, it can help us to understand that this behavior is not about us, and, generally is not intended to hurt us.
A large number of the LGBT spouses who come out later in life have been processing their feelings for a very long time. They generally have been repressing their feelings for a very long time as well. When they do eventually "come out", they feel a huge sense of relief, and very much a period of time similar to being a "kid in a candy store" occurs for many of them. They are rejoicing in their new found sense of self and freedom, while those of us who are new to the circumstances are feeling shock, and just beginning to deal with our feelings.
Their behavior can seem intended to be hurtful to us, however, generally it has far less to do with us, and far more to do with their newfound sense of self.
As an organization, we cannot suggest or endorse any particular Attorney. If you are in an area where we have a face to face support group, you can ask other members what their personal experiences have been, and they can make recommendations based upon their own experience.
If you live in the United States the American Bar Association maintains a website that will allow you to search for an Attorney at the following link ABA Lawyer Locator.
First and foremost educate yourself on the divorce laws of your area. Divorce laws differ widely and you must educate yourself. Many attorneys will provide a no-charge initial evaluation session.
While this is an incredibly emotional time and subject try to maintain your calm and composure at all times. While some locales still allow for "at fault" divorces for adultery, cruelty etc. in most locales a "no-fault" divorce is the norm. In the case of a "no-fault" divorce the judge (and/or jury) will not care about who is at fault. They will simply look at the marriage as a business that is being dissolved.
If you haven't been involved with family finances, be sure to educate yourself on the status of your financial situation, and begin to make plans to separate them.
Generally speaking, Yes. The how, why and when are the difficult decisions to make.
If the straight spouse and the LGBT spouse are able to do so amicably, we think that this disclosure is best coming from both parents at the same time. The focus should always be on the children's needs and on how it affects them.
The amount of information to be shared with the children also should be tailored to their age, and their need to know. Many spouses report that their best results have come from starting very simply, and then allowing the children to ask questions for clarification as needed.
A key piece is that both the straight and LGBT parent need to reinforce to the children is that no matter what effect the LGBT parent's orientation has on the marriage, is that they still have two parents who love and care for them.
Visiting a therapist and discussing the disclosure in advance can help prepare you for possible questions the children might ask, and could allow you to practice the discussion to make it more comfortable.
Most children are more concerned with what the disclosure means to them, rather than the fact that Daddy is gay or Mommy is lesbian. Be prepared to discuss their concerns.
Barring other outside issues, yes. Simply being LGBT, does not in and of itself create an unsafe situation for your children.
With that said, many straight spouses have reported behavior in the LGBT spouse (after disclosure) that caused them concern for their children's safety. Some examples would include; excessive drinking, drug use, the generally adolescent behavior mentioned earlier.
If that is the case and you have concerns for the safety of your children, you must honestly express those concerns to the LGBT spouse and attempt to try to protect your children. This is not a time for hysterics; it is a time for honest open discussion of risks and responsibilities.
Listen to your children, to see what their comfort level is. If they are uncomfortable with something that is occurring it is something you will need to attempt to deal with.
A special note about Pedophiles, there is absolutely no good valid research that indicates that LGBT individuals are more likely than straight individuals to be pedophiles, or that they are more likely to abuse children.
The largest support group available for the children of LGBT persons is COLAGE. They have a variety of online support groups as well as local chapters and pen pals. They do have a strong pride overtone which can be difficult for some straight spouses.
We have a recommended reading list for children, which provides info to help children with their understanding. We are also trying to find new ways to reach out to our children to provide them with further support.
If you are in a location where a face to face support group meets, other straight spouses with children can be a great resource for your children.
While one parent is never responsible for the relationship of the children with the other parent, we think it is important that the straight spouse encourage a continued good relationship with the LGBT parent. This is especially true in divorce cases.
This can be very difficult to do, when you are hurting, and grieving the loss of your marriage, but we feel that in the long run, your children will thank you for it. Trying to set aside your own feelings and listen to the feelings of your children can be difficult, but as a parent it is the right thing to do.
Resist the urge to use the children as 'go-betweens' between yourself and your LGBT spouse/ex-spouse. Allow them to have their relationship with their other parent at the level they are comfortable.
An unfortunate reality is that children are regularly teased about anything that is different about them, or about their situation.
As each child is different, some of our children are very open about their LGBT parent's orientation, and some won't discuss it at all.
What has helped many of our children is an honest discussion with the child about what to do if they are being teased; a quiet talk with the school guidance counselors; and being willing to step in if teasing is occurring.
They may, or may not. This is not something that we (or anyone else) can predict with any level of certainty.
While it is not a question we can give a solid answer to, we do suggest asking yourself some questions. Would it lessen your love for the child if he/she does determine that they are gay? What do you want for them in the future? How can you best help them achieve that?
Many of our children do question their sexuality after disclosure of a parent, especially adolescent boys with a gay father. Similar to the "how could I not have known" question that plagues straight spouses, the "am I like him?" question can plague our children.
We think that the best thing we can do as parents is to be supportive of our children no matter what their orientation turns out to be. For a child who is truly concerned, therapy may be a good option to help them explore their own feelings.
We also feel that teaching our children to be true to who they are, is one of the most important gifts that we can give them. If they do turn out to be LGBT, wouldn't you rather see them as being true to themselves and others around them, than living in a closet of fear and denial?
Many straight spouses feel pushed into the closet by their LGBT spouse's disclosure. You are the only person who can determine if, or how long, you are willing to remain in their closet.
Frequently straight spouses stay in the closet for a number of years for a variety of reasons; concern over finances, impact on employment if the LGBT spouse is 'outed', impact on children (particularly in conservative, religious areas), and many other reasons.
If you choose to stay in the closet (for any reason), we feel it is important that you at least have a few people that you can reach out to that understand. Please consider joining one of the email support lists (you can do so with a pseudonym if you feel the need), or finding a therapist to talk with (they are bound by confidentiality laws).
At the same time, do not feel like you must keep your LGBT spouses secret, their orientation does affect your life, and as it affects your life you have the right to reach out to any person or resource that you will find helpful.
This is an unfortunate reality that we straight spouses have to deal with everyday. There has been just enough mainstream media coverage of gays marrying straights that most of the population see it simply as a "he or she cheated - divorce them and move on" type of situation.
The reality is that we as straight spouses have an extra level of issues that we need to deal with. We frequently have to rebuild our trust in ourselves and others, reassert our own sexual self worth (in the face a feeling that somehow we might have been responsible), and if there are children we need to determine how best to integrate co-parenting into the mix.
For those that stay together there are also the issues or how the redefined relationship plays out in public. If in an open marriage there is frequently little tolerance from the "mainstream" community.
Often our friends and family (not having experienced our situation) simply don't have the words to express their feelings or to show their support. Many frequently express support for the LGBT spouse being true to themselves, but either do not understand the impact on the straight spouse, or are not able to express their support of the straight spouse in a way that is meaningful to us.
This is where face to face groups, email support lists and one on one contacts within the Straight Spouse Network can help the most, as we've all been there, we get it, and can be supportive at the time when you need it the most.
This is a difficult struggle for many new straight spouses. More and more churches and temples are now "open and affirming" to people who have same sex attractions. However a large number still teach that homosexuality is wrong.
If you have grown up in a faith that teaches this it can be hard to reconcile that you are (or were) in love with a person who is homosexual. We see a large number of spouses struggle with this issue every day. For most it becomes a crisis of faith. Each person deals with this crisis in their own manner, some change churches or synagogues to find a place of worship that is more welcoming, some attempt to change their house of worship from within. Still others elect to follow the teachings of their house of worship and become even more distant from their LGBT spouse/ex-spouse.
No one here at the Straight Spouse Network will tell you what to believe, it is a highly personal decision. What we will do is try to offer you support as you decide what is right for you.
Even if you participate in a faith community that does not teach that homosexuality is wrong, you may find less support than you had hoped for in your house of worship.
This is similar to the situation where you find that your friends and family aren't as supportive as you think they might (or should) be. Frequently this is a case of people just not knowing how to be supportive. They may wish to be supportive, and know how to be supportive of a newly "out" LGBT person, but don't know how to be supportive of those of us who are affected by the disclosure.
This can again lead to a crisis of faith, which each spouse will need to navigate for themselves. Be sure that we will be there to be supportive of you.
In the most basic terms, no. While some people would propose that orientation is a fluid thing, i.e … "fluid sexuality" and bisexuality is a reality, most of the time once our spouses have come out of the closet, they are not likely to "change their mind" about their sexuality.
We think that the most important thing for the straight spouse to be concerned with is what is best for the straight spouse and any children. This may mean divorce; it may mean staying together under some new or modified relationship.
Trying to change another person is rarely successful and is usually unhealthy for all parties involved.
While we recognize that a number of the spouses who come to us for help come from faith communities that endorse some form of reparative therapy or "ex-gay" therapy to "cure" their LGBT spouse, we as an organization do not recognize reparative therapy as being useful, and in fact believe that in some cases it can be detrimental to the mental health of the LBGT spouse, the straight spouse, and their children.
You can read the Straight Spouse Network position paper
Does that mean that if you believe that reparative therapy works that you cannot join our support groups, or get support from us? Of course not, we are here to support straight spouses no matter what choices they make.
Yes, in a wide variety of arrangements and for a wide variety of reasons.
Each couple will have to work out the terms of their relationship for themselves. This can be a difficult task and what form you relationship will take will depend largely on your reasons for remaining in a mixed orientation relationship.
An essential key to remaining together is commitment of both parties to have honest communications with each other, and to be willing to recognize that each has needs that must be met.
We strongly suggest that spouses wishing to stay together both become involved in one of the support groups that allow both parties to be members. SSML-MOR (Spouse Support Mailing List for Mixed Orientation Relationships) is a Straight Spouse Network affiliated list where either or both partners can participate. As well we suggest that each partner participate in support groups that exclude the other party, so that they can ask questions that they might not feel comfortable asking in a mixed support group.
Also, professional therapy can be helpful in learning to communicate openly and honestly with each other.
This will depend on the individuals involved and what they perceive as being most important to them.
Many straight spouses find it helpful to make a list of "non-negotiables" that help them in their conversations with their LGBT spouse. This would be a list of the things that would be a "deal-breaker" for the relationship.
Having this information in hand allows you to focus on what is most important to you at the moment, and allows you to come together for form a relationship that may work for both of you.
It's important to recognize that those things that are most important to you may change with time. Something that you never thought was acceptable in the past may become acceptable to you with time. Likewise, you may have thought that allowing extramarital contact would work for you, only to discover, after a period of time, that it doesn't.
Don't be afraid to voice these concerns and re-negotiate as necessary.
Yes, there really are bisexual men and women. Bisexuality means being sexually and emotionally attracted to both sexes. Rarely is the attraction 50:50. It's usually weighted more toward one or the other sex. In addition, the pull toward one or the other sex can vary over time.
Bisexuality is a difficult concept to grasp. It goes against our way of looking at things as either/or. A good way to get a handle on it is to look at Fritz Klein's Sexual Orientation Grid. Here,Klein breaks sexual orientation down into seven dimensions and has people look at the dimensions from three perspectives: past, present, and "ideal" (in the person's mind).
The seven dimensions include sexual attraction, sexual behavior, sexual fantasies, emotional preference, social preference, life style (do you live as a gay, lesbian, bi, or straight), and self identity (sexual and political). One's answers to the first five are in terms of which sex(es). The answers to the last two are in terms of how one lives and how one sees oneself as a sexual being and someone who wants to make a statement "politically." The best way to understand it more fully is to fill out the grid for oneself.
So, someone's saying he or she is bisexual is only a part of the picture. What an individual does sexually and emotionally and how he or she sees himself or herself -- not to mention the emotional, sexual, and social factors -- all play important roles.
For more information, google "Fritz Klein Sexual Orientation Grid" His book, The Bisexual Option, is helpful reading. Even though the title is misleading. Bisexuality, like heterosexuality and being gay, isn't an option. Only the way a person chooses to live is optional.
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