The topics of the books on our recommended reading list were chosen to give a broad range of perspectives on the core situation in which each straight spouse or partner finds herself or himself. Books about our partners experience help us understand the other side of the equation thereby addressing the Straight Spouse Network's mission of building bridges.
Books from the Straight Spouse's Perspective:
Buxton, Amity Pierce.
The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-out Crisis for Straight Spouses and
Families, revised and expanded. Wiley, 1994.
Candid, compassionate, authoritative--a rich source of insights, information, and practical guidance. "The first major work on the topic." --Gay Community News "A much needed comprehensive study of what happens to husbands, wives, and children during the coming-out crisis. --The Reverend Jane E. Vennard, founder Task Force for Spouses of Gays and Lesbians "The new enlarged edition adds important factors, especially children's reactions to a parent's coming out. Well-researched and insightful." --Fritz Klein, M.D., author of The Bisexual Option "Anybody practicing in this area would be well advised to read this book." --Professor Arthur S. Leonard, New York Law School In two million marriages, one spouse is gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Having a spouse or parent disclose his or her same-sex attraction is a shattering experience fraught with pain, confusion, anger, and a profound loss of self-esteem. Amity Pierce Buxton spotlights this exploding phenomenon and reports constructive coping strategies that spouses and children have used to resolve problems of sexual damage, family breakdown, deception, and homophobia. Illustrated throughout by riveting personal narratives, this expanded edition of The Other Side of the Closet traces the family's journey from initial trauma to eventual transformation. This invaluable source of information for spouses, families, and professionals is based on Dr. Buxton's eight years of research, including interviews with 1,000 straight spouses and children, her own personal experience, and her counseling work with spouses of gay, lesbian, and bisexual partners.
Grever, Carol
When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate's Recovery Manual -- Hawarth Press, 2008.
One of the most traumatic events that can happen in a marriage is discovering your mate is gay. When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate's Recovery Manual is a comprehensive exploration of the trauma that provides practical steps that successful individuals have taken to keep this event from ruining their future. This guide offers solid therapeutic techniques for self-help and presents poignant true stories that illustrate that the damage is not irreparable. The book examines the various reactions to the coming-out event, the personal challenges and obstacles often experienced, and shares lessons learned and some of the secrets of transformation.
Grever, Carol
MY HUSBAND IS GAY: A Woman's Guide to Surviving the Crisis -- Crossing Press, 2001.
After 30 mostly happy years of marriage, Carol Grever's husband told her that he is gay. As she discovered, the phenomenon is relatively common, because many gay men believe they are at economic or social risk if they don't marry. In My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Survival Guide, Grever shares her story and those of 25 other women of varying ages and backgrounds. Although most of their marriages ended in divorce, some of those who divorced were successful in preserving a healthy friendship with their husbands. Grever provides practical guidance (including professional resources and advice on telling the children) and positive support for women who suddenly find themselves in a marriage that is not what they thought.
Whitehead, Sally Lowe. (1997)
The Truth Shall Set You Free: A Memoir -- Harper San Francisco 1997.
Whitehead, who is Episcopal, fell in love with her high school sweetheart, Michael, who is Catholic, and they made the fatal make-out mistake, which forced them into marriage. After 21 years together, Whitehead confronted her husband, asking if he is having an affair?with another man. In this literary memoir, written with the encouragement of her family, friends, ex-husband Michael, and his partner, Craig, Whitehead, a newspaper columnist living in Cumming, Georgia, chronicles her vision of faith and the joy and pain of raising a family. Sally and Michael shared a roving quest after God, which led them through fundamentalism and created false guilt about their parenting of six sons and one daughter. After sharing what was deep within their hearts, they were able to break free from spiritual and personal repression and discover a path to acceptance, forgiveness, and love.
Matos McGreevey, Dina. (1997)
Silent Partner: A Memoir of My Marriage -- Hyperion 2007.
The truth behind the lies.
It was an unforgettable scene. Dina Matos McGreevey, an attractive woman in her mid-thirties, wife, mother, and First Lady of the state of New Jersey, watched silently as her husband, then New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, resigned his office with the revelation that he was a "gay American." The picture of grace and loyalty, perfectly composed in her pale blue suit, Dina Matos McGreevey gave no sign of the tangled mixture of fear, sorrow, and anger she felt that day, no hint of the devastation that was to come. Since then she has been asked repeatedly about the nature of her marriage, about what she knew and when she knew it. Since then, she has remained silent. Until now.
Speaking up at last, Dina Matos McGreevey here recounts the details of her marriage to Jim McGreevey. What emerges is a tale of love and betrayal, of heartbreak and scandal . . . and ultimately, hope.
It all began with so much promise. Dina Matos was a responsible and civic-minded young woman who fell in love with the passion of political action. When Jim McGreevey walked into her life, he appeared to be a kind and loving man, someone with whom she could build a life based on shared ideals, a strong spiritual commitment, and a desire to make a difference in the world. Beyond their initial chemistry, Dina Matos was attracted by Jim McGreevey’s principles and his unwavering devotion to his work. She didn’t know that his life, and thus their marriage, were built on a foundation of lies; that his past was littered with casual sexual encounters in seedy bookstores and public parks; or that, by his own admission, he began an adulterous affair with another man while she was in the hospital awaiting the birth of their child. "Could I have known," she asks? "How could I have known?"
With scalding honesty, she tells of her life with the former governor, of the politics and public service that brought them together, and the lies that tore them apart.
Here is a story of a marriage that was anything but happily-ever-after, told by a strong and resilient woman who can, and finally will, speak for herself.
Barbetta, Dr. Francine,
A Pebble in His Shoe: The Diary of a Straight Spouse -- Xlibris Corporation, 2008.
Francine met Frank during the summer vacation after high school. Soon, they began dating and were in love all throughout their college years. An engagement by the Hudson River and a fairytale wedding followed, as both started on their respective careers. After a new home, two beautiful daughters and a thriving business, the couple appeared to have it all. Francine was very proud of her dedicated husband, who was also a good father and brilliant business entrepreneur. Their business grew, and so did the family’s assets.
Unfortunately, the change in lifestyle marked the end of a loving and peaceful relationship. Frank started to change—he became materialistic and impulsive, sometimes abusive. Francine knew there was something wrong but she never realized that their family was headed for a long and painful journey… Not until, she found out what her husband had been keeping from her, what had been driving him crazy—Frank had thoughts of other men.
Find out how a straight spouse deals with an affair of a different kind… Witness a wife struggle to keep her husband and a mother comfort her children from a pain she could not protect them from…
What more can a marriage ask of a couple, aside from ‘for better or for worse?
Gochros, Jean Scharr.
When Husbands Come out of the Closet. -- Harrington, 1989.
Based on the results of a landmark study and years of clinical experience, this book is a poignant and compassionate look at the conflicting emotions experienced by women who learn of their husbands' homosexuality. Focusing on the wives' perspectives, author Jean Schaar Gochros offers support, encouragement, and practical advice for coping with the stigma, fear, and stress experienced by women trying to cope with their husbands' homosexuality. She combines comprehensive research and personal case histories to develop crucial guidelines for helping professionals who counsel such couples.
Komuves, Louella Christy.
Silent Sagas: Unsung Sorrows - Heterosexual Wife, Homosexual Husband iUniverse, Inc. 2006.
Louella Christy Komuves, the author of Silent Sagas: Unsung Sorrows – Heterosexual Wife, Homosexual Husband has crafted an in-depth spiritual guideline for anyone experiencing a similar situation in his/her marriage. The author has exposed her heart and soul with a genuine courage rarely seen in an autobiography.
- No longer will straight spouses need to be silent about the agony and pain they feel while living with a gay man or lesbian woman.
- The feelings of loneliness and devastation can lead a person to wonder if it will ever be possible to once again trust a loved one.
- Silent Sagas: Unsung Sorrows is packed with inspiration and hope to assist you in your own journey toward wholeness and a lifelong sense of well-being.
- Credible resources that will help empower recovering straight spouses have been identified and are included by the author.
Pearson, Carol Lynn.
Good Bye, I Love You. -- Jove, 1989.
The true story of a wife, her homosexual husband, and a love that transcended tragedy. Gerald Pearson had been honest with Carol Lynn about his homosexual past, but both of them had faith that marriage and devotion to their religion would change his orientation. Love would conquer all. Then, after eight years of apparent happiness and the birth of four children, Gerald was no longer able to deny what he considered to be his essential self. Carol Lynn was shattered, her self-esteem all but destroyed. Their divorce, however, could not erase a lifetime of love and mutual support. Carol Lynn courageously stood by her former husband's side. Even when he contracted AIDS - and came home to die.
Rogak, Lisa
Pretzel Logic: A Novel. -- Williams Hill Publishing, 1999.
What would you do if your spouse woke up one day and told you he was gay?
Emily Spencer lived in Coventry, New Hampshire, with her husband Michael, where they published a weekly newspaper and were, by all accounts, happy.
However, after a few years, Michael began to change; he grew quieter and more sullen. The more Emily pressed for an answer, the more he resisted. Finally, one day, she learned her husband's secret: Michael was gay.
What follows in Pretzel Logic is at turns bittersweet and hysterically funny as Emily and Michael learn to deal with their own truths. Recent movies like "In and Out" and "The Object of my Affection" have only skimmed the surface. Pretzel Logic, written by a woman who's been there, is the first story to tell it like it is.
Books from the LBGT Perspective:
Abbott, Deborah & Ellen Farmer.
From Wedded Wife to Lesbian Life: Stories of Transformation -- Crossing Press 1995.
Drawing from a broad range of cultures and classes, this collection of first-person essays, interviews and poems offers a glimpse into the lives of women who got married and then came out as lesbians. It tells the stories of women who have had to overcome ostracism and homophobia. It deals on a personal level with most of the problems facing married lesbians: family conflicts, custody battles, financial strains, struggles to achieve independence and finding a sense of wholeness.
Dean, Patricia Forni,
Homosexuality and the Family. -- Routledge, 1989.
Disproving the notion that homosexuals are antifamily, this enlightening book details the variety of family forms in which gays and lesbians live and explores the effects of homosexuality on individuals in families and on the family as a whole. Little in the professional literature addresses the combined topics of homosexuality and the family, so practitioners, academicians, researchers, and students in various disciplines--counseling, gay studies, sociology, human sexuality, psychology, social work, law, and medicine--will discover a wealth of unique and useful material here. Arranged in a life history sequence that moves from adolescence to adulthood, this informative volume documents the responses of parents of gay children, wives of gay men, children of lesbian mothers, and gay fathers about their family lives.
Cassingham, Barbe and O'Niel Sally.
And Then I Met This Woman, Previously Married Women's Journeys into
Lesbian Relationships. -- Soaring Eagle Publishing Expanded Edition 2008.
These stories are about the transforming commitment made by these women to own the authenticity of their feelings for another woman in order to be congruent in all areas of their lives. Their lives included the realities common to all women that are inherent in loving their children, husbands, parents and friends, as well as struggles with unfulfilling marriages, addictions, and seeking meaningful work. And, for the women in this book, their lives were further complicated by their love for a woman and the issues that are intrinsic to the coming out process.
Mattson, Martha
Amazons the Forgotten Tribe Amazon Press (1998)
This book is a "heterosexual's journey into understanding" sexual orientation.
The honest insights into sexuality make informative and fascinating reading for both
straight and gay people. Great for straight spouses who've just discovered what they'd been denying, "my spouse is gay." And for gay people just acknowledging they can't stay in a straight marriage.
Strock, Carren.
Married Women Who Love Women -- Doubleday 1998.
Married lesbians--a largely hidden population whose number is difficult to estimate--at last have a book about and for them. Strock has interviewed more than 100 women of diverse backgrounds and ranging in age from 21 to 70; 59 percent reported having no idea of their same-sex orientation before they were married. Initially undertaken as a way of dealing with her own life, which irrevocably changed when, after 27 happily married years, she fell in love with her best woman friend, her research grew to encompass husbands and children of the prime interviewees. She divides her report into three sections--" The Discovery," "A New Life," and "Selfhood" --tracking the stages of development of same-sex orientation from first awareness to learning the pros and cons of coming out to dealing with new levels of sexual intimacy.
White, Mel.
Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian in America -- Simon-Shuster 1994.
Until Christmas Eve 1991, Mel White was regarded by the leaders of the religious right as one of their most talented and productive supporters. He penned speeches for Ollie North, was a ghostwriter for Jerry Falwell, worked with Jim Bakker. What they didn't know is that Mel White--evangelical minister, committed Christian, family man--is gay. In this book, White details his twenty-five years of being counseled, exorcised, electric-shocked, prayed for, and nearly driven to suicide because his church said homosexuality was wrong. His salvation--to be openly gay and Christian--is much more than a unique coming-out story.
Whitney, Catherine.
Uncommon Lives: Gay Men and Straight Women. -- New American. 1990.
"Dedicated to men and women who wrestle with tradition, invent new options, take risks and live creatively," Whitney's book will be of aid and interest to those men and women who defy the strictures of approved societal relationships. Whitney explores a number of unique, loving relationships, which may include children--not an option for gay men at one time. That is now changing, and Whitney looks at how the disclosure of homosexuality affects relationships between gay dads and kids. Further, as she points out, some gay men realize that though they are more sexually attracted to men, their primary emotional relationships are with women--a stance once thought of as exploitation or a comfortable front. It is this struggle between the physical and emotional that Whitney emphasizes. Surveying more than 1000 people, she comes to no grand conclusions yet finds that there are many who must create new ways to live and love.
Hutchins, Loraine and Lani Kaahumanu, eds.
Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out. -- Alyson Press, 1991.
Klein, Fritz.
The Bisexual Option second edition Harrington, 1993.
The Bisexual Option explores bisexuality, explains the bisexual, and explodes myths surrounding this large “unseen” segment of the population. Now in its second edition, this intriguing book gives an overview of bisexuality. As there is still no book that covers the subject like this one, it is must reading for establishing a contemporary view of bisexuality and those committed to a bisexual lifestyle. Fritz Klein, an experienced psychiatrist and expert in bisexuality and sexual orientation, explains the concept and the variables of sexual orientation and where bisexuality fits.
Family and Children Issues from the Straight Spouse Perspective:
Buxton, Amity Pierce.
"From Hostile to Helpful," in Home Fronts, edit . by Jess Wells, Alyson Press 2000.
This chapter discusses ways to develop positive co-parenting by straight-gay/lesbian/bisexual couples who divorce.
Jess Wells has invited a host of alternative family advocates to go beyond the rosy picture of perfect health and happy families and explore the truths about gay and lesbian parenting that are not easy to face. Suzie Bright discusses the navete that lesbians have brought to their parenting; James Johnstone recounts the trials and tribulations of being a donor dad, and Rachel Pepper charges lesbians with villainizing the biological mother in custody cases; The result is a hard-hitting, controversial critique of the state of gay and lesbian parenting.
Glick, Daniel
Monkey Dancing: A Father, Two Kids, and a Journey to the Ends of the Earth -- Public Affairs 2003.
A suddenly single father--and nationally known environmental reporter--takes his children on a world tour of some of the world's rare and endangered life forms while reckoning with loss, change, and the challenges of parenting in this frank, funny, moving memoir. . After the death of his brother and the sudden end of his marriage, and after his ex-wife moved to another state leaving him alone with their two young children, Dan Glick embarked on single fatherhood in an unusual way: he took his kids on a journey around the world. The idea was to go see some of the world's rare life forms before they disappeared from the planet, and to do it before the kids themselves would grow up and chart their own paths. In the summer of 2001 Dan, Zoe, and Kolya took off from Colorado for a six-month journey on which they would see the Great Barrier Reef in Australia, the orangutans of Borneo, Javan Rhinos in Vietnam, the tigers of Nepal, and more. Meeting countless challenges--emotional, logistical and physical--the threesome shared experiences they could not have imagined and would not soon forget. Glick weaves accounts of their encounters with the natural world--and each other--with intimate reflections on his own reckoning with loss, change, and fatherhood, illuminating the commonalities between our relationships with each other, and our relationship with the earth we inhabit. For anyone who dreams of travelling to the world's most exotic places, for anyone already navigating that wild journey called parenting, Monkey Dancing is by turns fascinating, funny, and wise.
Family and Children Issues from the LGBT Perspective:
Corley, Rip.
The Final Closet: The Gay Parent's Guide for Coming-Out to Their Children. -- Editech Press 1990.
A gay parents for coming out to their children, of all ages.
Garner, Abigail
Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is -- Harper Collins 2004.
What is it really like to grow up with gay parents?
Abigail Garner was five years old when her mother and father divorced and her dad came out as gay.
Growing up immersed in gay culture, she now calls herself a "culturally queer" heterosexual woman. As a child, she often found herself in the middle of the political and moral debates surrounding lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) parenting. At the age of twenty-two, she began to speak publicly about her family and has since become a nationally recognized advocate for the estimated 10 million children growing up with LGBT parents. The creator of FamiliesLikeMine.com, Garner has written a deeply personal and much-needed book about gay parenting, from the seldom-heard perspective of grown children raised in these families.
Based on eight years of activism, combined with interviews with more than fifty sons and daughters, Families Like Mine debunks the anti-gay myth that these children grow up damaged and confused. At the same time, Garner's book refutes the popular pro-gay sentiment that these children turn out "just like everyone else." In addition to the typical stresses of growing up, the unique pressures these children face are not due to their parents' sexuality, but rather to homophobia and prejudice. Using a rich blend of journalism and memoir, Garner offers empathetic yet unapologetic opinions about the gifts and challenges of being raised in families that are often labeled "controversial."
As more LGBT people are pursuing parenthood and as the visibility of gay parenting is rapidly increasing, many of the questions about these families focus on the "best interests" of their children. Eloquent and sophisticated, Families Like Mine addresses these questions, providing an invaluable insider's perspective for LGBT parents, their families, and their allies.
MacPike, Laralee, ed.
There's Something I've Been Meaning to Tell You. -- Naiad, 1989.
How do people come out of the closet to their families and their own children? These true stories of lesbian and gay parents opening up with their children are both heartbreaking and heartwarming, but above all, they are honest. The stories explore such questions as How does one begin? Why do some children react well while others never accept the truth? Why do these parents feel they must risk changing their child's world by telling them? For anyone sensitive to the dilemma of explaining a socially difficult subject to a child, this is an excellent book.
Books and Articles on Related Issues
Buxton, Amity Pierce
"Works in Progress: How Mixed-Orientation Couples Maintain their Marriages after the Wives Come Out," In Journal of Bisexuality Vol. 4, No. 1/2 also in Current Research on Bisexuality (pp. 57-82)
Ed. R. C. Fox (2004) Harrington Park Press.
Buxton, Amity Pierce
"Paths and Pitfals: How Heterosexual Spouses Cope When Their Husbands or Wives Come Out.," In Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, Vol. 3, No. 2/3 also in Relationship Therapy with Same-Sex Couples (pp. 95-109)
Eds. J. L. Bigner and J. L. Wetchler (2004) Haworth Press.
Buxton, Amity Pierce
"
Thoughts on a Father's Coming Out to His Children" GAMMA Newsletter, July/ August, 1998. (Available through
Straight Spouse Network Include your US mail address when ordering) Suggestions for ways for gay fathers to make disclosure to children safe and comfortable for both parents and children.
Buxton, Amity Pierce
"The Best Interest of Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents," In The Scientific Basis of Child Custody Decisions Robert Galatzer-Levy and Louis Kraus, editors (1999) John Wiley & Sons.
A review of research, quantitative and qualitative, on gay and lesbian parents who were formerly married to heterosexual spouses and on children of divorced parents, one of whom is gay or lesbian. Topics include the fitness of gay and lesbian parents, the quality of home settings they provide for children (including new partners), and the impact of having a parent who comes out and living with or visiting the gay or lesbian parent.
Note: We welcome readers to recommend other pertinent books or
articles. Please include one-two sentence annotation about content. Please send your suggestions to the Webmaster
